Mila Kunis Must Be Heavily Dickmatized Because She’s Agreed To Appear On Two And A Half Men

It looks like Mila Kunis is thinking: “Did he just say I agreed to a guest spot on Two and a Half Men?!? Oh fuck. I was more dick-drunk than I thought last night. I need to get to a Dickaholics Anonymous meeting asap because I’m making mistaaaakes.”

Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis have only been engaged for a week and already they’re polishing up the ol’ self destruct button. Jesus, let her try on her first bedazzled Bride tracksuit before you go jinxing the shit out of this marriage, you two. According to CBS, Mila has chosen to give her relationship a slow-burning kiss of death, just like Denise Richards before her, by appearing opposite her fiancé on an upcoming episode of Two and a Half Men. In it, she’ll play “Vivian”, a free-spirited world traveler who shows up at Ashton Kutcher’s character’s house because who cares, it doesn’t matter (it’s Two and a Half Men, not Homeland). In a completely original Shyamalan-ian twist you never saw coming, Ashton falls in love with Vivian, but – RUH ROH – he was planning to propose to somebody else!

Ashton has recently said that he’s no longer that dude who pumps ’em and dumps ’em (ho please) so pretending to fall in love with a hot rando will show some serious range on his part (throw me a rope and help me out of this sarcasm chasm). And Mila can show what a truly great actress she is by acting like she isn’t completely embarrassed to be doing a single-episode guest-spot on a piece of trash like Two and a Half Men. Meanwhile, Jon Cryer will be in his dressing room cursing the production assistants for removing anything that could be used to help him kill himself and end the waking nightmare that is acting opposite Kelso from That 70s Show.

Here’s more of Kelso and Jackie at the Lakers game on Tuesday night, showing off THAT FINGER and eating out of brown paper rowboats. I don’t even know what they’re eating, but I’m sure it’s delicious because anything that comes from 8 years of stadium fry oil is always delicious.

(Pics: Splash)

Great News For Divorce Lawyers: Jackie And Kelso Are Getting Married!

If you’re a high-powered divorce lawyer in the L.A. area, go ahead and call up your architect and let them know to draw up the plans for your 4th vacation house in Hawaii, because a pile of money is going to fall on your desk in about 2 years. 3 years tops!

E! News has a picture of Mila Kunis wearing a diamond ring, so either she’s engaged or she was role playing as a married woman during kinky sex games with Ashton Kutcher and forgot to take off that prop ring. It’s probably the first one, because a source also says that they are engaged.  Mila and Ashton started doing each other in real life in April 2012 and his divorce to Demi Moore became official official last year.

My bitter headline and first few sentences aside, I really didn’t think they’d last this long. When I first read that Ashton and Mila were boning full-time, I figured that they’d stop boning two days later when Mila started getting treatment for the brain damage she was suffering from. But they proved my ass wrong! I’m sure they’ll get married, have tons of kids and stay together forever. Or they’ll stay together until Mila walks in on Ashton drowning in a pool of sorority girl poon. Whichever comes first.

Meanwhile, Demi Moore just wiped her sad tears on the hard dick of her 13th boy toy of the year.

Dear Charlie Sheen: Ashton Kutcher Would Like You To STFU Now

And I would like both of them to shut up, but the universe hates me and never grants any of my wishes (yet still, I sit every night on my windowsill and sing Somewhere Out There after hitting send on my emails to Pizza Hut begging them for Doritos-crust pizza). Luckily, I don’t have to deal with Charlie Sheen tweeting me insults, so…life’s little mercies, I suppose. Unfortunately, Ashton Kutcher isn’t as lucky. During an interview with Jimmy Kimmel on Wednesday night, Ashton was asked about Two and a Half Men and if he still felt like the new guy on set. But since there’s an unwritten rule that you can’t talk about Two and a Half Men without mentioning the cirrhosis-bloated ghost of Ricky Vaughn, Jimmy then asks if Ashton goes into work every day and they thank him for not being Charlie Sheen. He started to make a sort-of joke, but then decided to look directly at the camera and address Sheen personally:

“I’m going to publicly plea right now with Charlie. Dude, shut the fuck up! Like, seriously! Enough already! It’s like 3 years later and you’re still blowing me up on Twitter? Come on dude, really?”

Literally the only thing I took from that plea is that he said the word ‘dude’ twice and NOT ONCE followed it up with “…where’s my car?” Afterwards, reliable ol’ Charlie got around to addressing Ashton’s request on Twitter, and true to recent form, he responded through some kind of first-year college free-verse poem:

Ashton message received. so sorry u sounded like me! well done! my bad I was pissed at other crap & took it out on you. hope u r good xox c

— Charlie Sheen (@charliesheen) February 6, 2014

Aww, that’s nice; it takes a real man to step up and admit he was wrong. Good for you Charlie! It’s not every day you manage to come off sounding like a reasonable, level-headed – oh wait, there’s more? Okay, I’m sure it’s just as thoughtful:

but news flash Dood, you ever tell me to shut the F*** up, EVER again, and I'll put you on a hospital food diet for a year. c #YaFeelMe Jr?

— Charlie Sheen (@charliesheen) February 6, 2014

Never mind, I take it back; something tells me Ashton’s request was taken about as seriously as when your dentist asks you to start flossing (“Oh yeah, sure. Every night, I promise” – said no one).

Kelso And Jackie Got On The Kiss Cam Last Night

The kiss cam is so weird, right? People are being forced to engage in intimacy for your pleasure, like you’re some kind of G-rated Caligula. Everyone is happily eating their $18 nachos and watching someone you think is Dwayne Wade (it’s always Dwayne Wade to me, even in baseball and hockey) run down the court, and then they throw up the kiss cam and something in your brain gets obsessed and goes: “WE MUST OFFER A SACRIFICE TO DARK LORD KISS CAM. TWO PEOPLE MUST TOUCH LIPS TO CHER’S COVER OF THE SHOOP SHOOP SONG.”

Last night, the kiss cam claimed another set of victims when it set it’s pervy sights on Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis, who were sitting court side at the Staples Center for the Lakers vs. Utah Jazz game (Laker won. Sorry Mormons). And they actually kissed! The only thing worse than non-consensual kiss cam participation is not actually kissing, because those boooos last all game. One time I was at a Dodgers game and this couple got on the kiss cam and didn’t kiss. Everyone booed their party-pooper asses until the camera switched to an elderly couple (who gave us some raunchy tongue) but the damage was done; nobody fucks with the kiss cam! Ashton’s PR guy must have prepped him for this ahead of time: “You really butchered the shit out of JOBS and people think you’re kind of an asshole, so if they show you and Mila on the kiss cam, for chrissakes, kiss the hell out of her. You need this”.

Also at the game was Kaley Glencoco and her future ex-husband Ryan Sweeting who, despite a really tight LOOK AT ME game, didn’t get on the kiss cam. A for effort Kaley, but you sort of cashed in all you attention-chips with that wedding dress.

(Pics via Splash)

Demi Moore Sold Her Engagement Ring To Get Over Ashton Kutcher

It looks like Demi Moore’s plan to pass her pussay to anything that moved to get back at Ashton Kutcher for sticking his dinky into other people while they were married has backfired. You know what’s sad? Knowing we live in a world where revenge fucking no longer does that thing it do. What are brokenhearted sluts supposed to dry their tears on if not strange sacks and cracks? I’m not pointing fingers or anything, but this abject fuckery can probably be blamed on someone who’s name rhymes with “go llama“.

Radar says Demi took the 5-carat engagement ring Ashton gave her and sold it through a high end consignment jeweler for $250,000.

“Ashton broke her heart,” a friend of the actress told the magazine.

“Anything that reminds her of him makes her sad, and she wants to be happy.”

Potato Head, Tallulah and that other one who’s name I always forget- come get your mama and throw her ass in some remedial “how to get over a boy” classes. Put Allure’s “All Cried Out” on repeat, convince her to give up her raw food diet long enough to stuff a quart of Ben & Jerry’s Cherry Garcia down her gullet and sit her ass in front of one of those relatable girl quote Tumblr pages until she sees enough life-affirming messages about not needing anybody but yourself until she starts loving herself again.

When she stops crying and starts getting pissed off, switch to Kelly Clarkson’s “Stronger”, burn everything related to Ashton that isn’t a piece of gaudy jewelry in the trash can and then TIE HER ASS DOWN. It’s only going to be a matter of time before Demi excuses herself to go the bathroom, throws off her bathrobe to reveal her go-to hoochie dress and climbs out the window and heads to a club where she’ll try to use her supersexy chicken ass dance moves to rope herself some new dick.

Ashton Kutcher Wants To Pump Mila Kunis Full Of His Liquid Love To Make A Baby

After finding out Demi Moore’s bid to GET MONEY BITCH by asking for spousal support from Ashton Kutcher was denied and their divorce will be finalized, Radar says that Ashton and Mila Kunis are ready to get down to fuckin’ and multiplyin’.

“Ashton has made no secret of the fact that he wants to have a baby and he’s told his family that they’re not taking any ‘precautions’ against having a baby. In other words, he and Mila are ready to be parents.

“They don’t really care if marriage comes before baby, in fact, they don’t think they have to be married to have a child.”

Regardless of the moral argument over babies before marriage, the real sin potentially being committed here is two people will be procreating who should never combine whatever is in their gene pools that gave them those speaking voices. The fear of being in a closed room with Ashton and Mila when they both have megaphones is a real fear and it’s only a matter of time before the American Psychiatric Association recognizes it as a disorder that could be called “loudassedgratingvoicedmotherfuckersphobia”. They’re still kicking names around.

Babies are already loud and even the sweetest ones can be annoying as fuck sometimes. I can’t even imagine the ear-splitting screeches that would come out of Ashton and Mila’s child. You’d think their voices alone would be enough birth control without him wrapping his tallywhacker, but maybe they get their freak on by miming or some shit. She does the dick-poking-the-cheek gag and he points to his junk and humps the air. All I know is that he’d better yell, “YOU’VE been PUNK’D” when he cums.

(Photo via Wenn)