CBS Has Mercifully Pulled The Plug On “Two And A Half Men”

Somewhere in a filthy, meth-scented mansion in Beverly Hills, Charlie Sheen is cackling at the top of his lungs while doing celebratory lines of Comet off a hooker’s tits with one hand and composing an incoherent Twitter poem for Ashton Kutcher with the other, because CBS announced today that after 12 seasons of watching Jon Cryer slowly die inside until he became an empty shell of a man, they would be ending Two and a Half Men.

Network president Nina Tassler, who sounds like a Swedish burlesque performer, said the final season of TV’s longest-running comedy (there’s your depressing thought of the day) would be a surprise-filled season-long finale event, and hinted that one of the shocking surprises might be Charlie Sheen. Having Charlie Sheen come back for an episode would be a surprise, but the greatest, most shocking surprise of all would be if they wrote an episode that was actually funny. But since that won’t happen, I’ll happily take an episode where Chuck Lorre brings back the half-man, Angus T. Jones, and lets him free associate his insane thoughts on religion for 22 minutes.

On the upside, the cancellation of Two and a Half Men means that Ashton Kutcher will be free to pursue what should be his true passion and life priority: writing and directing a sequel to Dude, Where’s My Car?

Being Knocked Up With A Douche’s Baby Is Making Mila Kunis Crave Vinegary Foods

At this point in the game it’s pretty clear to anyone with a rudimentary understanding of the human body and/or two working eyes that Mila Kunis is more than just bloated from Lakers nachos, so she finally admitted to Ellen DeGeneres on Friday that she’s knocked up with Ashton Kutcher’s douche-pup. She wouldn’t say when she’s due (“RUDE! I have flights to book!” – Demi Moore) and she wouldn’t say whether she’s having a Jackie or a Kelso, but she did say she’s got some seriously stereotypical pregnancy cravings, like sauerkraut and pickles.

Now, I’m about as much a doctor is Kim Kardashian is a mother, but what Mila is describing doesn’t sound like a craving per-se, but more like a message sent by Ashton’s unborn douche-pup to the brain that it needs a surplus of fermented acids to meet the demand of a growing vinegar-based life form (“Can you also send down some fetus-sized trucker hats? Thanks brah.”). And if that’s not it, then I give up, because I crave pickles all the time and the only thing living in my womb is a pair of strawberry Pop-Tarts that got lost on the way to my stomach. Oh no, maybe I’m knocked up with a douche-pup? That’s odd, I don’t remember sleeping with any of the servers at Pink Taco.

But I am glad Mila proudly lacks shit-giving and is eating whatever she wants. If there’s ever a time people are willing to cut you some slack for eating endless jars of sauerkraut or Dorito-dusted corn dogs or buttered Pop-Tarts, it’s when you have a fetus growing inside of you. Pregnant chicks everywhere: hold your head high, melt yourself some peanut butter, and drink to your success.

Ashton Kutcher In “City Slickers 3: The Legend Of Douchebag Mountain”

“Legend has it that up on Douchebag Mountain, there lives a 10-foot tall human bottle of Summer’s Eve who sleeps on a pile of trucker hats and white v-neck t-shirts, and feasts on the phone numbers of cocktail waitresses and part-time models. Could be real. Could just be douchebag folklore, like a Squintsquatch or The Abominable Snowslut. We might never know.”

The reason why Ashton Kutcher is dressed up like Jessie the Cowgirl’s loser ex-boyfriend who sells his Grandma’s pills on Craigslist for a living is because he’s at the Stagecoach Music Festival is happening this weekend in Indio, CA. Stagecoach is kind of like Coachella’s chicken-friend cousin; just swap out the feathered headdresses for cowboy hats and cowboy boots (basically, take Vanessa Hudgens and put her in Tami Taylor drag). But Ashton Kutcher didn’t stop at cowboy hat and cowboy boots. He went full rodeo clown (you never go full rodeo clown) with some Simple Jack coveralls and a neckerchief. All that’s missing is a cap gun and a plastic Sherrif badge, and he’d look like he should be begging his mom for a horsie ride at the grocery store.

Here’s more of Hopalong Kutcher at Stagecoach, along with Mila Kunis, who deserves a 10-minute standing ovation for agreeing to been seen in public with Ashton dressed the way he is. Not to mention the fact that he probably started dropping the Gs from the ends of words and kept referring to Mila as ‘mighty purdy-lookin‘.

Pics: Wenn, Splash

Demi Moore Will Avoid Ashton Kutcher’s Wedding By Running Away To India

Even though the doves from their Kabbalah wedding ceremony are long dead and the ink on their divorce papers has since dried up, turned into an ink ghost, and flown up to ghost heaven to be with those dead doves, not to mention the fact that her ex has very clearly moved on, Demi Moore still gets a sick feeling in her cougar pooch whenever someone mentions the name “Ashton Kutcher” (I too get the same feeling, but it’s because I’m douchebag intolerant).

But instead of chugging a bottle of Pepto like the rest of us to fight that gross feeling you get when someone mentions your ex, Radar says that Demi is choosing to run away to a yogic spiritual centre in India with her fingers in her ears going “La-la-la If I can’t hear it, it’s not happening!” so that she can avoid hearing about the whole thing.

“Demi knows she’ll have to endure hearing about the affair — which Ashton is telling mutual friends will be huge and full of A-list Hollywood and tech friends — and seeing pictures. But the wound is still fresh from their divorce and Demi doesn’t want anything to trigger a relapse.”

Demi is also planning on doing the same thing in October when Mila Kunis gives birth. Dear yogic centre: you better stock up on Kleenex, ice cream, and 21-year-old boys now while you still have time.

I know it’s been said a million times before, but Demi needs to learn that Ashton Kutcher is no one to be devastated over. I could understand cranking the Eric Carmen if your heart was broken by a true earth angel, like Ryan Gosling or Bruce Jenner or Jon Hamm’s penis, but Ashton Kutcher? You’re still heartbroken over “Kelso” from That 70s Show? Red Forman, maybe, but not Kelso. Buck up Demi, there’s plenty more barely legal fish in the sea.

And quick, someone shield Demi’s eyes, because here’s Kelso and Jackie leaving LAX on Saturday. God damn, how is he able to always look douchey? And my say something nice is that Mila is doing a great job of trying not to be seen with him.

Pics: Wenn, Splash

Yes, We’re Living In A World Where Jackie And Kelso Are Having A Baby

You’re probably not even reading this, because as soon as this picture came up, you dimmed the lights, put on some Sade, lubed up your eyeballs and laid them on that ass. I’m not talking about the ass in the cap either….

So, Mila Kunis did what every high school teacher tells their students not to do during the STD section of the sex ed talk: don’t ever let Ashton Kutcher bust raw nuts up in you. E! News says that growing inside of Mila Kunis’ womb is the spawn of Ashton Kutcher who will most likely inherit the dysfunctional gene that causes one to want to wear trucker caps. Expect the second coming of Von Dutch when Ashton’s spawn turns 15. There’s been rumors that Mila has two fetuses growing in her, but E! says that there’s only one Little Kelso in there.

Kunis is pregnant with the couple’s first child, a source confirms exclusively to E! News just weeks after being first to report that the former That ’70s Show co-stars were planning to tie the knot.

The Ted star was even recently spotted attending a prenatal yoga class in Hollywood.

It feels like every damn trick in Hollywood just got a fetus in her womb and a ring on her finger. Everyone’s got a damn CASE OF THE BABIES!!!

I know that lately Mila Kunis has been looking like she’s got the pregnant swoles, but I really thought she would realize that tying herself to a living, breathing Summer’s Eve bottle for the rest of her life probably isn’t the best idea. But she did it. I know everyone’s saying that Demi Moore is going to throw herself into oncoming traffic once she finds out Mila’s knocked up, but I think she’s going to shrug, pop another molly and then throw her naked cougar body on a pile of barely legal boy toys.

Here’s Mila and Asshole Kutcher kissing on that gross ass kiss cam at the Pistons-Clippers game last night.

Mila is probably wondering what that weird rumbling in her stomach area is. Oh, it’s just her fetus dry heaving over Jackie kissing Kelso on the kiss cam at a basketball game. You and me both, fetus. You and me both.

Orlando Bloom And Ashton Kutcher Make An Appearance On Lindsay Lohan’s List Of Famous Slam Pieces

Lindsay Lohan is a coke-infused snot bubble of insufferableness and delusion, and she’s about as tolerable and pleasant as a spiked dildo, but last week I stood up and clapped for her slut game when InTouch Weekly published a list of some of the famous dicks she’s supposedly taken a ride on. What’s the point of being famous if you’re not going to fuck a bunch of hot famous people? If you’re famous and don’t say, “Yeah, I’ve sucked that dick,” about every other presenter while watching the Golden Globes, you’re doing “being famous” wrong. The celebrity guest list for LiLo’s freckled cooch included hot pieces like Zac Efron (HA!), Justin Timberlake and Jamie Dornan. All three of those dudes have since overdosed with shame, said goodbye to public life and are now living in a monastery. They’ll never be heard from again. Well, they might get some company at the monastery, because in this week’s InTouch Weekly they squirted out even more names from the fuck list that LiLo supposedly made while boozing with friends in the bar at The Beverly Hills Hotel last January.

The second round of “Whose peen has paid a visit to Lindsay Lohan’s crackie cooch?” includes Ashton Kutcher, Ryan Phillippe, Starving Nachos (Wonky McValtrex’s ex), Danny Cipriani (English rugby player and Kelly Brook’s ex), Maggio Cipriani (heir to the Cipriani restaurant empire), Benicio Del Toro, Aaron Voros (hockey player who used to play for the New York Rangers), Orlando “Orli” Bloom, Brian@GPH (whatever that means), Josh Mond (movie producer), Riley S (whoever that is) and Petey Wright (model). Wilmer Valderrama AND Ashton Kutcher? If Topher Grace and Danny Masterson’s names aren’t under those blurred bars, they’re going to feel so left out, or relieved that they aren’t on the CDC’s “Sluts To Watch” list.

InTouch plans to release more names next week, but let’s all guess! I’m going to guess the rest of names are: SamRo, Charlie Sheen, Gerard Butler, Larry King, Richard Burton’s corpse (it was for research!), the tit-chewing dog from Mean Girls and Herbie the Love Bug.