Today is the Fourth of July. And while this year’s party might feel like a trip to the dentist instead of a day at Chuck E. Cheese’s (I mean, literally insert any news item from the past six months and tell me there’s still anything to celebrate), there are still some ways that you can whoop it up responsibly. No, I’m not talking about mixing up some virgin margaritas (I just assume that everybody is and has been drunk at 9 am everyday since March) before passing out in your backyard kiddie pool. No, if you can somehow manage to get your hands on some colorful explosives, you can treat this year like every other Fourth of July. Just don’t let any sparks land on your face masks.
What is the point of even being an American if you can’t blow shit up on a Saturday afternoon––hot dog in one hand, Marlboro Red in the other? Despite the incomprehensible appeal of fireworks on anyone over the age of 12, this weekend’s soundtrack (like every night for the past few weeks) is pretty much going to be a constant orchestra of nerve-shattering, pants-shitting, jump-out-of-your-skin tiny eruptions of glittery explosions. And, just like any other year, you and your terrified dogs are just going to have to learn to live with it, so, if you can’t beat ’em, you might as well join ’em….SAFELY.
In this new video put out by the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission, you can now discover how to properly and proudly shoot of those M80s and bottle rockets. Coincidentally, the video, which features a bunch of dummies getting blown to smithereens, is a perfect metaphor for how many of us have felt over the past 4 months. So some people may find it to be more than just insightful.
Don’t feel like watching some exploding mannequins? Here are some of the main tips:
– Keep a bucket of water or a garden hose handy, in case of fire or other mishap.
– Light fireworks one at a time, then move away quickly.
– Never try to relight or handle malfunctioning fireworks. Soak them with water and throw them away.
– Never place any part of your body directly over a fireworks device when lighting the fuse. Move to a safe distance immediately after lighting fireworks.
– Never point or throw fireworks (including sparklers) at anyone.
The fact that that last point even needed to be mentioned in a safety video says it all.