A Perfect Cotton Candy Angel Like This Could Never Commit An Illegal Act

Jan Crouch is the First Lady of the Trinity Broadcasting Network, a Dlisted icon and the only Princess Lolly-haired, tarantula-eyed angel I pray to whenever I need reassurance that there’s no power like the power of Christian glamour. A stunning strawberry queef mess like Jan could never steal food out of a child’s hand (yes, she could and has) let alone take millions of dollars out of her Christian network to pay for her lavish lifestyle. But that’s exactly what Jan’s granddaughter is accusing her and her husband Paul Crouch of doing. I know, can you believe it? A Christian televangelist accused of using donations from their followers to buy wigs made of crushed pink diamond dust and lashes made from rare spider pubes. This NEVER happens!

The Telegraph reports that Jan’s 26-year-old granddaughter Brittany Koper is suing Trinity Broadcasting Network claiming that they wrongfully fired her as CFO after she discovered that her grandparents took out a “sham loan” to buy a $50 million jet, another $8 million jet for Jan’s personal use, 13 homes across the US and a $100,000 RV for Jan’s dogs. When Brittany told TBN that she knew about their financial schemes, they made her give an act of Christian contrition by turning over her house, life insurance policy and car to them. Brittany still went to the board with the shit she found out and a quick second after she did that, she was fired. Brittany claims that TBN also tried to take her husband down by accusing him of embezzling almost $1 million from the network. That accusation went nowhere.

A lawyer from TBN issued a statement saying that Brittany and her husband are causing a scandalous diversion to take away from the fact that they stole millions of dollars from the network:

“They’re attempting to create a diversion and to create as much public spectacle as they can in the vain hope that this will all get resolved, and that’s simply not going to happen.”

He said the Crouches travel by private jet because they have received “scores of death threats, more than the president of the United States.”

Their ministry keeps large amounts of cash in reserve because incurring debt goes against the Biblical instruction to “owe no man any thing,” he said.

He added: “The answer is, there is no fire there. They pay as they go and, every now and then, one of the things that they pay as they go on is the acquisition of a broadcast facility, and that’s a multi-million dollar transaction.”

TBN made over $92 million in donations alone in 2010.

Brittany Koper is not a CRIS-CHEN-UUUUUH!!!!! How dare that dark-sided, gargoyle heathen bitch accuse this pink tornado of spiritual exquisiteness of fraud! Yes, Jan Crouch swindled her followers out of their hard-earned cash by telling them she would use their money to feed the starving children of the world and instead used it to buy an $8 million private jet, but I’m sure they forgive her. They don’t expect a bubble gum flower like her to fly commercial! God doesn’t fly commercial, so neither should Jan Crouch!

Yes, most Christians believe that lying is a sin, but lying is not a sin when you’re doing so in order to buy a cotton candy machine to whip yourself up a gorgeous head of hair every morning. It says so in the Bible:

“You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor unless you’re Jan Crouch and need to maintain your glamour.” Exodus 20:16

Rest In Peace, Zelda Kaplan

This picture of 95-year-old legendary clubkid Zelda Kaplan was taken yesterday at the Joanna Mastroianni fashion show just minutes before she died as the second model took the runway. As Riley K (no relation), who sent this to me, said: Now THAT, ladies & gents, is how you make an EXIT!

Ruth Finley was sitting next to Zelda at the show and told The Washington Post that she suddenly slumped over. Ruth thought that Zelda fainted and didn’t know at the time that her spirit was floating on to the great big front row in the sky. After Zelda slumped over, two men carried her away and she was pronounced dead at the hospital. The show still went on and those who knew Zelda say that’s what she would’ve wanted, because she lived and died for fashion.

Zelda grew up in New Jersey and was a housewife from the 50s to the 60s. When Zelda moved to NYC in the 60s, she went from housewife to party girl. Zelda went out almost every night to all sorts of events, only drank champagne and didn’t get up before 2pm. When Zelda wasn’t doing humanitarian work in Africa, she was poppin’ her pussy on the dance floor next to Amanda Lepore and other clubkids.

Some people say that they want to die in a bed of white cotton sheets while surrounded by their weeping family and friends, but fuck that. Zelda showed us how it’s really done by dying while doing what she loved. That’s why I want to die with a Zinger (or a peen, I’m not too picky) in my mouth while writing the words “this stupid bitch” in a blog post about a stupid bitch.

Rest in peace, Zelda. You’re now in up heaven, out-partying the angels.

This Is The Look: Rose Byrne At The SAG Awards

Rose Byrne will probably find herself leaning against the number one on everybody’s Worst Dressed of the SAG Awards list, but that’s only because some people just don’t understand the power of an Ann Jillian bob paired with a disco onesie covered with clear aquarium rocks. Almost every woman at the SAGs last night looked like she fished her gown out of the same pile the desperate hos on The Bachelor get their dresses. Boring after boring after boring, but then Rose Byrne took me higher and made my nostrils twitch when she came out looking like Elvira Hancock from Scarface after getting twisted up in a roll of bubble wrap. I only wish that Rose would’ve turned up her “brown haired Elvira Hancock” look all the way by only agreeing to pose for pictures in a glass elevator. Seriously, nothing is better than watching Michelle Pfeiffer gracefully ride a glass elevator down ONE flight. Cokehead laziness never looked so glamorous.

Here’s more of Rose as well as some of her Bridesmaids co-stars including Melissa McCarthy, Maya Rudolph and Kristen Wiig. “It needs a velvet choker” is a line I overused in the 90s when my friends would ask me how their outfit looked, but that ugly ass choker on Kristen looks like a leather daddy’s version of a neckbrace.

Just Another Florida Christmas Pastime

During this holiday season, two things have happened in Florida so far:

1) The top story on the local news was about two glamorous burglars stealing $500 worth of lawn ornaments. Also, it’s pretty much impossible to point out the differences between the local news in Florida and Inside Edition.

2) The glamorous burglars in question stole the Christmas decorations (including a Mickey Mouse riding a horse, I repeat, a Micky Mouse riding a horse) from their neighbor’s yard and then put that shit on their own front yard just a block away. Those dumb bitches should be thankful that what they lack in simple common sense, they make up for in GLAMOUR!

The moral of the story is, you really can’t trust a ho who keeps a stolen shopping cart in her yard.

via Buzzfeed

Rhinestones Are A Glööckler’s Best Friend

You can tell your prostate to stop poppin’. I can hear it from here. It can calm itself, because there’s enough of Harald Glööckler (known in heaven as THE MOST BEAUTIFUL CREATURE ON PLANET EARTH) to go around forever. No, Harald is really going to last forever, because I read in some scientific journal that he was born when scientists unfroze a cryogenically frozen Liberace using Adam Lambert’s naturally sweetened ass syrup and the clarified blood of Nosferatu.

Harald launched his newest musical masterpiece “Pompoeoes” (that’s German for “Poochie Queefs”) in Berlin on Thursday and I don’t know what his nightingale yodeling sounds like, but just thinking about it gives me the sensation of twin peen-shaped clouds spooning my eardrums.

To celebrate one of the most important events in music history, Harald slipped on his finest coat made from a rare creature called polyester, put on every single piece of jewelry from Ring Pops’ exclusive black label collection and asked four toddlers to doodle on his face with glitter pens until he looked like he was on the RIGHT end of a Care Bear bukkake. The result is the look I was going for when I played with my mom’s makeup shoebox as a child. Harald should really teach a class on how to play dress up with your mom’s shit the right way.

Glamour seriously took a holiday on Harald’s face.

JLo, Kindly Take Five Steps To Your Left

The noun “glamour” and the name “JLo” go together like Skeletor and solid foods, but Glamour Magazine still defied logic by naming her as one of their Women of the Year in some ceremony at Carnegie Hall in NYC last night. They gave her an ugly trophy that looks like a Target logo orgy and asked her to pose with the Claymation goddess who designed the dress she wore last night. WRONG MOVE.

On her own, JLo mugs the camera like the lens is an extra hung Q-tip and she’s a Botoxed Siamese cat in heat. But when you put JLo next to the exquisitely crafted Donatella Versace, her face falls into a state of natural demureness. Bitch looks so “made from the earth” next to Donatella. And we all know that natural is out for 2011! So JLo needs to follow the exit signs and let the glorious Candy Kong Muppet take in all the camera clicks.

JLo also needs to hand Donatella that trophy, because glamour IS a woman who is put together with Silly Putty and whose jowls tells us that she mines for diamonds with her mouth on the weekends. Fall back, JLo! Actually, JLo probably did fall back when she let go of Donatella and down came that bobble head toward her.