And Here’s 4 Minutes Of The Butterly Unicorn One Dragging Nick Cannon

April 27, 2015 / Posted by:

It truly isn’t a picture of Mariah Carey unless you’re asking yourself, “Is that a picture of Mimi or a highly over-Photoshopped flyer for the Cowardly Lion’s drag debut as a JLo impersonator?”

The ear walls of the lambs are covered in candy-coated glitter today, because their yodeling god released the only new song on her compilation album #1 To Infinity, which has all 18 number of her number 1 hits on it. When you listen to Mimi’s new song “Infinity,” you’ll suddenly get a craving for an Ecto Cooler and Lay’s WOW Chips, because it’ll take you back to the 90s. “Infinity” sounds like a mash-up of every single Mimi song from the 90s. It also sounds like Mimi dropping a messy, sloppy, wet Hello Kitty shit all over Nick Cannon. I’m sure Mimi will try to say that this song has absolutely nothing to do with Nick Cannon, but if you play it backwards you’ll hear the sound of her saying, “Nick Cannon ain’t shit,” over and over again. Here’s just a few of the song’s lyrics. This shit reads like something you scribbled on your Pee Chee folder with a licorice-scented Mr. Sketch marker in homeroom after your boyfriend dumped you for that slut skank tramp hussy whore Leticia. In other words, I love these lyrics!

Name hold weight like kilos/ Boy, you actin’ so corny like Fritos/ Wouldn’t have none of that without me though

If life was a game you’re a free throw/ It’s nothing that you don’t already know

Is it lack of ice got you so cold?/ Have you ever felt this on your own?

Why you tryin’ to play like you’re so grown?/ Everything you own, boy, you still owe

Truthfully I’m through with this/ Why are we still doing this?/ Answer the phone like, “Who is this?”

Mimi’s name deserves to be on the list of history’s greatest poets next to William Blake and John Keats, because it takes a certified literary genius and true poetic mind to rhyme “kilos” with “Fritos.”

Here’s the song and lyric video, which looks like the aftermath of a truck full of MS Paint Desktop Icons crashing into a Lisa Frank folder:

That last note… It sounds like Ross Mathews on a roller coaster. I’m sure the fire department will knock on my door, because I’m sure my neighbor heard that screeching and thought it was my smoke detector going off. Thanks, Mimi.

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