KIMMY GIBBLER and those other two were on Ellen today to introduce the first full trailer for Fuller House and well, it looks awful and is filled with so much cheese you won’t be able to shit for days after seeing it. In other words, it looks just like the original and I’m sure I’ll love every second of it as long as I watch it with my best friend (a fully stocked bong).
The bad news is that the trailer has way too much DJ Tanner in it and we hear Carly Rae Jepsen’s version of the theme song. Getting Carly Rae Jepsen to re-do the theme song tells me that the producers don’t know their own characters at all. I mean, Kimmy and DJ’s favorite artist of all-time Stacey Q should’ve done the theme song. How rude! Actually, that’s beyond rude. It’s straight-up disrespectful!
The good news is that the trailer has plenty of Kimmy Gibbler in it. She saves everything. The producers messed up on the theme song, but they did realize that the best way to save a show is to throw in Kimmy Gibbler in a scrunchie. If the Coen Brothers put Kimmy Gibbler in a scrunchie in Hail, Caesar!, it would’ve been the biggest box office hit of the year instead of flopping.
Since it’s Christmas week, I thought that finding crap to post would be like trying to find a coherent thought in a Kanye West rant. In other words, impossible. But I was proven wrong when this extremely important and highly relevant Fuller House promo landed in my inbox!
The Fuller House teaser trailer was forty five layers of cheese and this promo has managed to outdo it. In it, national treasure Kimmy Gibbler and those other two try to conquer the Whip/Nae Nae and it’s as cringe-inducing as it sounds. It’s WhitePeopleDancing.GIF on all the roids. Kimmy Gibbler doesn’t need to work this hard for those Netflix streams. She’s Kimmy Gibbler! She just needs to be and the millions of streams will come to her. But with that being said, I’m sure the creators of the Whip and the Nae Nae have never been more proud in their lives, because it doesn’t get any bigger than Kimmy Gibbler trying to do your moves and looking like a buzzed mom on a cruise while doing so.
CAUTION: A whole lot of suburban mom dancing ahead.
And I shouldn’t say that they all suffer from something called NoRhythym-itis. Stephanie Tanner gives it good and she’s definitely done that before… on top of a bar…. at 1am… for free drinks.
There’s no way Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen are going to lower themselves by play acting with mere mortals in the Full House reboot Fuller House, because they’re way too rich and they’re way too busy designing $16,000 endangered rhino caftans for their fashion label. But I still hoped it would happen, because I really feel like I need to see one or two of those bridge trolls of darkness fight the urge to shrivel up and slither out the exit door while acting in the cheesiest and most wholesome sitcom ever. When the reboot was announced, the Olsens said that they were thinking about doing an episode, but it was later announced that they want no part of it. And that was that until this morning…
Variety says that at the Television Critics Association press tour in Beverly Hills, CA today, the head ho of Netflix said that there’s a chance Michelle Tanner may make an appearance in Fuller House.
“The Olsen twins are teetering whether or not they’ll be around,” Netflix boss Ted Sarandos said Tuesday morning at the Television Critics Association press tour in Beverly Hills, Calif.
Tuesday morning, Sarandos also told the room of reporters that the first episode of the “Full House” sequel shot last week. He explained that the streaming service was hot on reviving the series, as the show “never really went away” and is a cross-generational property that has performed well in syndication over the years.
Teetering.. I know what they’re doing. Those tricky little tricksters are screwing with Neflix’s emotions, because they can. They probably call up Netflix and say that they’ll do a few episodes of Fuller House and are sending over the contract. When their carrier black crow drops the contract off at Netflix’s offices, Ted Sarandos unrolls it and sees the word “SIKE” written in blood on it. (Fun fact: “Sike” is 90s for “psych.”) Then the Olsens “bleehehehe” into the cold night air, because fucking with people brings them joy. They do that a couple of times a week.
But in WAY more important Fuller House news, Kimmy Gibbler posted this picture on Instagram last week:
I wish I could un-drink all 10 million cups of coffee I’ve guzzled down over the years (I’m low-balling with that number). Because I haven’t truly drank a cup of coffee until I’ve drank it out of a Gibbler’s Coffee cup.
When the Internet said that Netflix was making plans to bring back the 90s ALL THE WAY by ordering a spin-off of Full House called Fuller House, everyone (read: me and only me, as usual) celebrated this news of the century by pulling out the vintage bottle of Orbitz they’ve been saving and toasted to the triumphant return of fashion and comedy icon Kimmy Gibbler. Netflix made it official yesterday. They announced that in 2016, they will push out 13 episodes of Fuller House starring KIMMY GIBBLER!!!!!!! and other people none of us care about. But well, I’m not pulling out my vintage bottle of Zima just yet (Real talk note: I wish I had a kitchen cabinet full of fine vintage beverages from the 90s.), because Netflix dry farted up the summary of Fuller House and this shit will suck the scrunch out of your scrunchie.
Dave Coulier married photographer Melissa Bring in Paradise Valley, Montana yesterday and thanks to Bob Saget, Candace Cameron Bure, KIMMY GIBBLER and John Stamos showing up, it turned into a mini Full House reunion. Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen didn’t go, because everyone knows that the Montana black bear is the sworn enemy of Enchanted Forest bridge trolls and they didn’t want to cause a scene. Besides, the caterers couldn’t fulfill the Trollsens’ dietary requirements of children’s hair, the first breath of a newborn and rabbit veins.
UsWeekly says that 51-year-old Dave Coulier married his 31-year-old girlfriend Melissa in front of the mountains in Montana and his Full House castmates and other guests watched her promise to him that she will love him, cherish him, speak eloquently, would have his baby, be an excellent mother and go down on him in a theater. Dave and Melissa have known each other for 9 years and they got engaged last month and blah blah blah blah blah. Who cares about all of that? The only thing that really matters is that KIMMY GIBBLER was there!
You can’t tell by this picture, but DJ and Uncle Jesse have two bags of cotton balls shoved up their nostrils, because Kimmy Gibbler’s wearing hot party sandals and everyone knows that Kimmy Gibbler’s foot stank could kill several elephants. Even Quentin Tarantino wouldn’t get on those hooves. Actually, yes he would, because you know he really loves it when he can taste the dirty foot smell. Anyway, I don’t even know why my headline is “Joey Gladstone Got Married” when my headline should be “KIMMY GIBBLER WENT TO A WEDDING THE DAY BEFORE HER BIRTHDAY.“ That’s the only reason why Dave Coulier’s wedding got any press. I bet that when the ushers asked guests if they were there for the bride or groom, every single one of them said, “Who? I’m just here for Kimmy Gibbler!”