Color me fucking shocked, because Tila Tequila jumped the womb by announcing on her Twatter that she’s knocked up. The other day, Tila caused a bunch of hos to Google “Can ladyboy leprechauns get pregnant?” when she said that she is acting as a surrogate for her brother and his wife. Thankfully, there’s a glimmer of hope for humanity because she is not currently carrying a fetus in her Easy Bake Oven. BITCH BOGUS!

Tila told Life & Style, “I’m about to be. When I tweeted that, I figured there’s not enough space in the 140 characters. [I meant] I’m going to give him a Christmas present that’s going to change his life. I don’t have time to take care of a real baby of my own — not yet however — I feel I am very ready to experience the whole pregnancy process but without having to actually have the baby as mine, my own to take care of.”

And there you go, this has been another chapter in The Ladyboy Who Cried Wolf.

LeAnn Rimes wanted to quickly wash her hands of Dean Rainbow Sherbert, so that they would be completely free to grope on Eddie Cibrian’s dirty genitals. People reports that on the same day Dean filed for divorce from LeAnn, they agreed on a divorce settlement. The details of the settlement will not be released due to something I’ve never ever heard of called “privacy.” I’ll Google that later. Here’s what the settlement document says:

“The [settlement] shall not be filed in this proceeding due to the parties mutual desire to maintain their respective rights to privacy.”

Hopefully, LeAnn slipped enough cash in Dean’s Lisa Frank wallet to buy him the best dick money can buy! Dean has earned it.

LeAnn and Dean’s marriage will officially be dead and buried on June 19, 2010. June 19th is not only the day Dean gets to frolic freely through fields of peen, but it’s also my birthday.

In other news, June 19th was just declared the gayest day of the year.

Beatrice Okulova – If Dixie Carter and a magical unicorn made beautiful love in a pool of fermented potatoes during a Sharpie storm, their love child would look and sing just like Beatrice Okulova! Beatrice is a Russian opera lip-syncher and a professor of music in Moscow.

Watch Beatrice’s artistry at work below! Watch as she slowly massages the music with her soul and allows the notes to dance off her opulent eyebrows before diving into our hearts.

For Cleo

Spray your genitals down with Andre and slap a ho with a steak, because a judge has ordered that Jon Grosslin can’t even cut the ribbon at the grand re-opening of a strip club turned barbecue joint without getting a signed permission slip from TLC.

Today in Maryland, a judge sided with TLC in their breach of contract case against Jon. The judge issued a temporary injunction which forces Jon to get on all fours and suck on TLC’s ass lips if he wants to partake in interviews, public appearances or TV shows.

This was an easy decision to make since Jon didn’t show up to court and his lawyers failed to present any evidence. One of the head hos at TLC testified that Jon’s appearance at a Las Vegas pool party in August brought shame upon the network. You know, because TLC’s reputation is as immaculate as a porcelain dildo.

Right after the court’s ruling, TLC issued this statement: “The Court has validated our view that Mr. Gosselin has a valid, binding contract and that he has breached it repeatedly. Step one – getting the court to order Mr. Gosselin to comply with his contractual obligations – has been accomplished. Any further breaches going forward will be violations of a court order. We look forward to the next phase of the litigation, which is to pursue our claim for damages resulting from Mr. Gosselin’s numerous breaches.”

The trial is set to begin April 19th.

So this means that Jon is going to have to find a way to keep his mouth stuffed with cigarettes, his belly filled with Jaegar Bombs and his hos bejeweled in the finest pieces Chinatown’s street vendors have to offer.

Maybe Christian Audigier can hire Jon to polish his nutsack or pluck his taint hair with his teeth (Christian is fragile like that). And if that’s not possible, then Jon can always take my idea and stand on the street corner with a sign that reads: “Punch-A-Douche $1″. The line forms to the left. And, Kate, put your wad of $100 bills away. Only one punch per person.

Just moments after the Lollipop Guild’s go-to-lapdancer Tila Tequila and baby lube heiress Casey Johnson announced their engagement, Nay Nay “Google Me Bitch” Semel fired a ping pong ball filled with hate at the happy couple. Now that the L-Word is off the air we’re just going to have to take what we can get when it comes to lesbian theatrics.

Nay Nay, who used to clit dance with Casey and Tila, tells E! Online that she believes that their engagement might as well have been orchestrated by Richard Heene, because it’s a stunt. This is what Nay Nay had to say, “They don’t even speak. Casey can’t stand Tila. They’ve only spoken once, and they’re doing this as a publicity stunt to get back at me.”

As for Tila’s claims that Casey decorated her toddler finger with an authentic 17-carat diamond engagement ring, Nay Nay thinks that the ring must be a Laila Rowe original because the heiress is as broke as Sheree. Nay Nay explained, “Casey can’t even fill up her gas tank. She doesn’t have a penny to her name. Her parents have cut her off completely. I have texts from her saying she’s broke and can’t even afford to meet me for dinner.”

Nay Nay also made sure she covered all of the media bases by also talking to Radar. Nay Nay said that Casey doesn’t even have custody of her adopted daughter anymore, and should be working to get her back. Survey says? NO, SHE SHOULDN’T! Even if the poor child is being raised by a bunch of empty beer cans, she’s still in better hands (or pull tabs).

And what does Tila Tequila think about Nay Nay’s accusations? “Casey and I are very happily engaged and excited to plan our wedding in Massachusetts, where we can be legally married. And as for Courtenay, we hope that she minds her own business and stays classy,” said the refined pearl who gave the world a taste (NSFL) of her tampon string.

This pretty much confirms that Jennifer Aniston’s agent is actually Maddox in disguise, because she is in talks to star in yet another romantic comedy that makes it so much easier for all of us to joke about her lonely miserable spinster ways. And what’s even worse is that she’s done this all before.

The Hollywood Reporter says that Jennifer Aniston and Adam Sandler are circling around a project called The Pretend Wife. They are hoping to release this wreck on February 11, 2011. The script “is currently under wraps,” but after a 2-second Google search I think I may have found the plot. This is the synopsis from a novel with the same name which was released this past June:

For Gwen Merchant, love has always been doled out in little packets—from her father, a marine biologist who buried himself in work after her mother’s death; and from her husband, Peter, who’s always been respectable and safe. But when an old college boyfriend, the irrepressible Elliot Hull, invites himself back into Gwen’s life, she starts to remember a time when love was an ocean.

What does Elliot want? In fact, he has a rather surprising proposition: he wants Gwen to become his wife. His pretend wife. Just for a few days. To accompany him to his family’s lake house for the weekend so that he can fulfill his dying mother’s last wish. Reluctantly Gwen agrees to play along—with her husband Peter’s full support. It’s just one weekend—what harm could come of it?

But as Gwen is drawn into Elliot’s quirky, wonderful family—his astonishingly wise and open mother, his warm and welcoming sister, and his adorable, precocious niece—she starts questioning everything she’s ever expected from love. And as she begins to uncover a few secrets about her own family, it suddenly looks like a pretend relationship just might turn out to be the most real thing she’s ever known.

A barf covered Valentine candy heart. Someone needs to tap Jennifer’s culo with the poster from PICTURE PERFECT! The Pretend Wife is Picture Perfect’s long-lost conjoined twin. And this is almost like Adam Sandler’s I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry but with an extra vagina.

And Jennifer’s Brad Pitt real groom doll is probably thinking to itself, “Now this bitch will know how I feel.”