A devoted mother got her souffle top decorated with the tattooed portrait of a Miami DJ in order to win passes for her equally dumb daughter (who is way too old for this shit) to meet the wailing lesbian fetus known as Justin Bieber. Insert Fark’s “Florida” tag here.

If I ever asked my mother to get a tattoo of Rick Dees’ face above her ass so that I could meet my tween icon Martika, she probably would’ve dropped me off on the steps of a Catholic church and left me there.

On a positive note, it will only take a few strokes of red to turn that mom’s tattoo into the Heat Miser.

Source: Y100 via ONTD

Sophie Monk, an Australian singer/actress/model-type, says that her hongray vagina has a higher Google ranking than she does. Sounds about right.

According to Showbiz Spy, Sophie queefed:

“I can’t believe it. Another camel-toe! Everyone is going to think I have ginormous ***** because who gets more than one photo of camel-toe? I’ve got a small *****. I’m here trying so hard to work and all I get recognized for is my camel-toe. It’s more famous than me!”

This bitch’s camel toe needs to drink a giant trough of STFU! Her camel toe ain’t shit! In a camel toe derby, Sophie’s camel toe wouldn’t even make it out the damn gate! CoCo’s camel toe would stomp all over Sophie’s camel toe. In fact, CoCo’s camel toe eats Sophie’s camel toe for breakfast.

And for those of you who need to clean yourself up in the bathroom after reading the last sentence, order Sophie Monk a Cuchini before you do that. Bitch’s camel toe needs to bow out of this battle. CoCo’s got this.

PAGING DR. DREW! Jeff Conaway, Kenickie from Grease and most recently one of the patients on Celebrity Rehab, is in the hospital after he tumbled down the stairs at his home yesterday morning. And it sounds like this was a major fall, because Jeff is in a bad way. TMZ reports that Jeff suffered a broken hip, a broken arm, a fractured neck and a brain hemorrhage.

Jeff’s enabler of a girlfriend Vicki Lizzi, who would spit in a puppy’s eye if it looked at her the wrong way, told TMZ that his broken hip will be operated on shortly. But Vicki doesn’t know how Jeff fell (she pushed him). Vicki really has no idea how Jeff ended up at the bottom of the stairs (she pushed him). Vicki was in the other room when she heard him fall (she pushed him). Vicki thinks Talking Tina might have something to do with this (she pushed him).

This female former A list singer who will permanently be a B because of her name came home the other day to find her celebrity boyfriend in bed (technically on a sofa, but what they were doing is usually found in the bedroom) with another guy. She didn’t care though because our singer had a girl for herself who she had brought home. (CDAN)

Pleasepleaseplease let this be LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian. And pleasepleaseplease let the piece he making out with be LeAnn’s gayfaced ex-husband.

This cute actress has been marketed as the next big thing, thanks to her role on a somewhat popular series, but she’ll have a hard time living up to the hype. What will do her in is not her acting – it’s her secret drug problem. She’s addicted to cocaine (it keeps her thin) and it’s ruining her reputation – she’s late for appointments, moody on the set, and looks worn out. Ironically, she’s often been compared looks-wise to a slightly older beautiful actress with the same problem. (Janet Charlton via Blind Gossip)

Any of those fetuses on Gossip Girl.

Which underage Hollywood actress’s perfect image is all show? She got so smashed at a recent L.A. party that she had to be carried out — after making out with a random guy and puking? (Star Magazine via Blind Gossip)

Demi Lovato? But it wasn’t a random guy she was making out with. It was her ex-boyfriend Trace Cyrus, which would explain why she barfed afterwards

At the Kustendorf Film Festival in Belgrade, Serbia last night, director Emir Kusturica revealed a statue of Johnny Depp keeping it sexy while leaning against a telephone pole. Yes, that is supposed to be a statue of Johnny Depp. It looks more like a parched Katherine Moennig dressed as a young Skeet Ulrich at a Scream costume party. Johnny might agree. But since Johnny’s a polite gentlemen, he made sure to swallow the vomit of laughs that tried to pour out of his mouth.

I’m still going to raise my mug of coffee to Serbia this morning, because think of all the drunk tourists and locals this statue is going to attract. Someone needs to create a Tumblr page devoted to showcasing all the pictures of boozed up skanks licking on this statue. Belgrade never has to worry about hiring someone to clean up the pigeon shit. That statue is going to get more tongue than Tommy Girl’s ass lips at a Scientology pot luck.

Any inanimate object that attracts such acts of sluttery always gets my seal of approval.

Pimp pepaw master Morgan Freeman tried to murder the rumors that he’s Woody Allen-ing his 27-year-old step-granddaughter by showing up to last night’s National Board of Review Awards with a special ladyfriend on his arm.

Morgan’s date, who is giving me Cynthia McFadden LITE vibes, does have an “I Hope This Bitch’s Check Doesn’t Bounce” look on her face, but apparently Morgan didn’t snatch her up from the escort agency’s vintage collection. Morgan’s spokesbitch said that Morgan’s piece is his manager slash companion.

COMPANION! I love that. I used to think that the term “companion” was only reserved for oldies like Morgan and Austrian dignitaries from the 19 century, but it’s a new year. From now on, I’m going to introduce all of my fuck friends as my “companion.” It makes me look like such a refined fucking lady.