Barbara Bach – actress, model and wife of Ringo Starr

Last night I was watching the “gliding down a staircase” extravaganza that is the Barbara Walters Oscar Special (R.I.P.) and they were showing clips from the past including an interview with Ringo Starr and his wife Barbara Bach. I had completely forgotten about the beauty of Barbara Bach, so it was nice to be reminded.

Barbara has done a few movies, but she’s best known for playing Bond girl Anya Amasova in The Spy Who Loved Me. Barbara has pretty much retired from acting and modeling. Nowadays she spends her time wearing 3D glasses in dark theaters with her husband. Like this:

Also, Barbara Bach is one “r” away from being candy and that’s a very special thing.

Lil’ Wayne was finally sentenced to a year at Rikers Island in New York today for getting caught with a loaded gun on his tour bus a couple of years ago. Lil Wayne pleaded guilty to the charge back in October, but his sentencing kept getting pushed back due to his nasty teeth situation. Wayne could be set free in 8 months if he plays nice and doesn’t get into any trouble.

When Wayne arrived to the court house this afternoon, he was greeted by a bunch of fans including this beautiful tattooed wonder who showed off a Lil’ Wayne tribute she got on her torso. It’s kind of fitting that her Lil’ Wayne tattoo is chilling out right next to her colony of stretch marks, seeing as though his bionic sperm is to blame for millions of bellies stretching out.

Since this trick has a pair of opulent hot pink Sharpie brows, I won’t throw her anymore shade. Although, I will say that the sight of that tattoo is giving me Gingivitis in the eyes.

And don’t be surprised if an inmate at Rikers named Bubba gives birth to a baby in 9-months. Don’t drop the soap near Lil’ Wayne or you may end up pregnant.

The Dancing with the Stars cast was announced tonight and for the first time in forever I know who every single bitch is and I didn’t have to Google to get a clue. Is that a good thing, or does that just mean that I have too much internet and TV in my life? It’s the latter, but there’s no cure for my problem.

As expected, Kate Gosselin will dress her possum up in rhinestones and shake that shit for the Dollar Tree trophy. I hope Kate doesn’t thrust her bits too hard, because a toddler they forgot to deliver might pop out. That would be awkward.

One of my childhood icons Brenda Walsh (government name: Shannen Maria Doherty) is also in that shit, and you better believe she’s going to play dirty. My guess is that she’ll be kicked off for slapping a trick or pushing a ho down the stairs. You can pretty much assume it’s going to be Kate since there can only be one cuntress and it’s always Brenda Walsh!

Anyway, here’s the full cast. Dancing with the Has-Beens premieres March 22nd.

Kate Gosselin – Mistress of the Possums
Pamela Anderson – The oldest working whore in America
Nicole Scherzingerorhwatever – Pussycat Doll and Apollonia wannabe
Ochocinco – Wide receiver for the Cincinnati Bengals
Jake Pavelka – A soggy piece of asparagus who happens to be The Bachelor
Brenda Walsh – A bitch you don’t fuck with
Aiden Turner – Aiden on All My Children
Neicy Nash – Deputy Williams on Reno 911 and host of Clean House
Erin Andrews – ESPN sportscaster and that chick who got peeped on
Evan Licecheck – Olympic gold medalist and Johnny Weir’s arch rival

Finally, 80-year-old astronaut Buzz Aldrin will compete on a Hoveround. No, but he should.

You know, even though I love the pepaws, the wrong Aldrin was cast. Obviously, Buzz’s gorgeous wife Lois was born to waltz, sashay and spin:

Although, it probably wouldn’t be fair to the other contestants since Lois can hypnotize America into voting for her just by batting her eyelashes.

And when I look into Lois’ crystal ball forehead, I can see that Buzz will win this hands down (no, he won’t).

Zhora, the alcoholic Russian chimp who has been forced into rehab by his people.

Unfortunately for us, Zhora is one of those shy drunks, so there’s no pictures of him in action. Instead I had to use this picture of some chimp sucking on a water bottle in Shanghai. Just pretend that this Chinese chimp is Russian, and that the bottle of water is vodka. If that doesn’t work for you, just go to Google Images and type in “Mel Gibson.” That will give you hundreds of pictures of a drunk chimp.

Reuters reports that Zhora originally worked as a circus performer, but was sent to live in a zoo in Rostov after he got a little too aggressive. While at the zoo, Zhora discovered life’s four greatest pleasures: Sharpies, fucking, boozing and smoking! Yes, Zhora is totally your chimp.

When Zhora wasn’t drawing pictures with a Sharpie (aka sniffing that shit behind the cave) or wet humping on lady chimps, he was begging tourists for booze and cigarettes. Since you can’t deny a drunk chimp (ask Denise Richards), the tourists regularly gave Zhora what he wanted.

After Zhora got his 6th DUI, was caught with a dead hooker in his trunk and developed a major addiction to smoking banana skins, his handlers sent him off to rehab.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to buy a chimp suit and a ticket to Russia. I mean, a never-ending supply of Sharpies, free booze and cigarettes? We’re all in the wrong business.

(Thanks to all who sent this in)

CVS’ Super Saver Lillian – Super Saver Lillian is a memaw who almost pulls off mustard, is a professional when it comes to using a pointer, loves her double bucks, knows that two is better than one (that little minx!) and kind of looks like if Arthur the Aardvark pulled a Tyler Perry and started doing grandma drag in movies. What’s not to love?

(For Brian)

Lady CaCa and Beyonce’s video for Telephone isn’t out yet, but they are slowly releasing stills to keep the Glittery Gays of YouTube moaning for more. A while ago, one of my friends (some friend) told me that CaCa was going to go into full cholita mode for the video. This news caused me to slather my face with Vaseline and heat up a bunch of razors on the stove top in preparation for a massacuh!

But these new stills are a little comforting, because she looks less like Sad Girl and more like something Kat Von D birthed out of her butt during a Nascar party. Developing (not really)……