David Silver is all grown up and topless in Desperate Housewives! And I’m guessing he makes that same face every time Megan Fox opens her mouth. – Towleroad

Miles from The Golden Girls has passed away – Associated Press

Whatever happened to the days of passing your boyfriend a barfy love note during homeroom? – Lainey Gossip

Because Mel Gibson and Montana Fishburne are not available, Lindsay Lohan is in talks to do SNL – The Superficial

You know Janet from Three’s Company fapped to this (site NSFW) – Drunken Stepfather

Teri Snatcher in a wet suit – The Berry

Cover your innocent eyes Chuy, because here’s Chelsea Handler’s tits – Egotastic!

Two famous people are not selling EXCLUSIVE pictures of their new baby to People magazine for six figures. What’s going on in this world?!!! – Celebitchy

Miley Cyrus and her on-again toy sucking face…. And all I hear is the sound of teefs clittity clacking – Just Jared

Tommy Girl adjusting his cock ring – Popsugar

Montana Fishburne 5150ed herself – I’m Not Obsessed

Taylor Swift at the Easy A premiere – Popoholic

The Kardashians must be stopped – ICYDK

Judge Judy gets stoned – Cityrag

Taylor Momsen really needs a new dress girdle thing – Hollywood Rag

Nicole Kidman’s face is still…um…yeah – Holy Moly!

If you Google Image the name “Kim Kardashian,” you will get hit with dozens upon dozens of pictures of Kim showing off her titty sacks and ass crack from every angle. Yet Kim is suddenly throwing on a nun’s habit and crossing her legs over the release of 19 outtakes from her 2007 Playboy photo shoot.

Apparently, Kim regrets posing for Playboy and really wishes Ray J’s piss would just wash away all the pictures and memories from that shoot. A source tells Radar, “Kim was really upset that the new photos were released. She freaked out that they were out there, she didn’t think that they were going to be seen again. She is trying to put that behind her (Ed note: No, I don’t think she was pointing to an NFL huddle when she said this) and gets embarrassed about the photos.”

As Joel McHale says almost every week on The Soup, Kim is only famous for “having a big ass and a sex tape.” This trick is really trying to sit there and act like most of us haven’t seen Ray J’s boomerang dick go into her mouth. When 4 out of 5 straight dudes can accurately sketch your labia from memory, the last thing you should feel uncomfortable about is some stupid pictures of your titties on some stupid website. My guess is that Kim is really upset, because as soon as she saw the outtakes online she ran to her mailbox hoping to find a check from Playboy. She didn’t, obviously. Now that is a real reason to freak out.

Kanye West woke up this morning on his solid gold throne feeling like he just wanted to dip himself into a cyber vat of holy water and wash off a few layers of his ego by apologizing to Taylor Swift for imma-ing her at the VMAs last year…among other things.

Kanye slid into the confessional booth opposite Father Twitter Bird and confessed that he wrote a special song for Taylor and that the media has wrongfully portrayed him as an angry white girl hater who represents the word ASSHOLE on Google Images. Note: George Bush, St. Angie Jolie and Gene Simmons are all on the first two pages when you Google “asshole,” but Kanye is not. But does he show up on the second page when you Google “egomaniac.” FYI.

Kanye’s entire new life manifesto is after the jump. It’s a holiday weekend so Kanye’s CAPS LOCK KEY has the day off. Kanye had to SHIFT this bitch.

If you think this is going to make your eyes invent a new kind of roll, let me just tell you that one of his Tweets starts with “Remember in Anchor Man when Ron Burgandy…” You can’t fully throw hate on Kanye’s Bible of Self-Revelations when he brings Anchor Man (and WICKED) into it. Warning: It’s longer than you can ever EVER imagine.

Slide into the booth with Kanye and JUMP!

“Man I love Twitter… I’ve always been at the mercy of the press but no more… The media tried to demonize me. They wanted yall to believe I was a monster in real life so you guys wouldn’t listen or buy my music anymore. I feel like they were waiting for the opportunity to go in all the way on me and when it came they beat me to a pulp.

Even now a lot of articles start there first 2 paragraphs about how much of an asshole I am. I accept the idea (ideal) that perception is reality. When I say perception is reality I mean whatever you think is the truth… is your truth. Some people’s truth is Kanye is racist… It’s not my truth but I do believe it’s my Karma…. walk with me…

Even though the NBC telethon was widely praised yall didn’t think they was just gone let me get away with that did yall???!!! With the help of strong will, a lack of impathy, a lil alcohol and extremely distasteful & bad timing … I became George Bush over night.

How deep is the scar… I bled hard.. cancelled tour with the number one pop star in the world … closed the doors of my clothing office. Had to let employees go… for the first time I felt the impact of my brash actions … I felt the recession from an ownership side.

People booed when I would go to concerts and the performer mentioned my name. Remember in Anchor Man when Ron Burgandy cursed on air and the entire city turned on him? But this wasn’t a joke. This was & is my real life. There are people who don’t dislike me… they absolutely hate me!

I was chilling with this white girl having a conversation and she cut me off and said… Hold up… I thought you didn’t like us?! That’s when you realize perception is reality. I’ve been straying from this subject on twitter but I have to give it to you guys raw now.

If you google Asshole my face may very well pop up 2 pages into the search. Some people say… Why worry about “the haters?” This is bigger that just the concept of haters. I have a mission in life to bring truth and beauty through my music and the visuals that anchor around it. The media has successfully diminished the “receptive” audience of (3rd person)… KANYE WEST…taking a 15 second blip the mdeia have successfully painted the image of the “ANGRY BLACK MAN’ The King Kong theory.

I’m the guy who at one point could perform the Justin Timberlake on stage and everyone would be sooo happy that I was there.

People tweeted that they wish I was dead… No listen. They wanted me to die people. I carry that. I smile and take pictures through that. I wear my scars… It’s almost like I have to where a suit to juxtapose my image and I won’t lie… IT WORKS!

I wrote a song for Taylor Swift that’s so beautiful and I want her to have it. If she won’t take it then I’ll perform it for her. She had nothing to do with my issues with award shows. She had no idea what hit her. She’s justa lil girl with dreams like the rest of us. She deserves the apology more than anyone. Thank you Biz Stone and Evan Williams for creating a platform where we can communicate directly.

We’re both artist and the media and managers are trying to get between us. Everyone wants to capitalize off this is some way. I’m ready to get out of my own way. The ego is overdone… it’s like hoodies.

I know there are family members friends and fans that have literally fought for me. There are people who have named there kids after me… can you imagine that next day in school. Even though I don’t have kids…

I am responsible for those who love and represent me and what they have to deal with on a day to day defending “The American Psycho”. I watched Justin Timberlake at the Grammies loose every televised award including album of the year which the Dixie Chicks won. I would have ran on stage for Justin that night because Sexy Back (in my mind) was that important… that impactful to our culture. It’s not about race America. No one in our position ever stands up and says anything anymore. I have given my awards to other groups multiple times on national TV… They never showed that this past year during the massacre of Kanye.

Who’s seen the play Wicked? I’ve seen it 4 times! Other than loving the music acting and costumes… it’s my story!!! The Wicked witch of the west basically is so convicted to tell her’ truth when she does it she is outcasted by society and turned WICKED.

With new found humility … who am I to run on stage? I would never ever again in a million years do that. Sorry to let you down. It is distasteful to cut people off as a general rule. What’s the point of dressing tastefully if I’m going to act the complete opposite? Yes I was that guy. A 32 year old child.

When I woke up from the crazy nightmare I looked in the mirror and said GROW UP KANYE … I take the responsibility for my actions. I am not a bad person. Even in that moment I was only trying to do good but people don’t always need my help. Beyonce didn’t need that. MTV didn’t need that and Taylor and her family friends and fans definitely didn’t want or need that.

These aren’t regular tweets… this is stream of consciousness … I want you guys to know and feel where my head is at… It feels like the movie Heat when you wanted Deniro to make it… You want the bad guy to make it. These tweets have no manager, no publicist , no grammar checking… this is raw.

Humanity and Empathy are 2 of the 4 principles at facebook. Those were the 2 principles I was missing on that evening. Why are there so many tweets? Well this isn’t a simple subject. There are layers to this beyond me running on stage. You’ve got the top layer… Kanye’s rude!

If I speak in 3rd person it’s because I’m quoting people sometimes I forget to put the quotations you know my grammar.. #ITSAPROCESS

You’ve got a layer of order… this is how things are spose to go this is how it’s always been etc. You’ve got a layer of… What is reality? You really want this guy to die over an award show???!! wooooooow ….. You’ve got the Media play… Who benefitted off of the moment? MTV? JAY LENO? BEYONCE? ALL FORMS OF MEDIA? TAYLOR? KANYE WEST? Who gained? Who lost?

Walk with me people… let’s break this down for real now. I might get in trouble again lol? WHO BENEFITED FOR REAL PEOPLE???!!!!!!!! A year later where do we stand? There’s a layer of… hey Kanye said what I was thinking. There’s a layer of… Entertainment… we are entertainers and this is only TV… not the War. Why was it made into such a race issue. Taylor loves rap music… I love country music.

I’ve hurt, I’ve bled, I’ve learned. I only want to do good. I am passionate I am human I am real. I wish I could meet every hater. I wish I could talk to every hater face to face and change there a opinion of me one conversation at a time. I wish they all knew how much I really cared about music and pop culture and art and peoples feelings.

I wish they could accept that I’ve grown and only want to do good for the world. I want to help as many people as I can. I want to help starting with the music and ending with the smile. I want to win there hearts back so I can continue to bring my take on culture to the masses with a clean opinion.

It starts with this…

I’m sorry Taylor.”

And then Kanye folded his speech, got off the podium and walked down the aisle towards his desk as I’m sitting there with my head cocked back, my mouth wide open and my eyes counting the holes in the perforated ceiling above. What did I just witness?!

Tiffany Derry from Top Chef D.C.

Tiffany color coordinates her hat with her earrings with her dress and this is always the key to an impeccable fashion sense. Point one. Tiffany also started her gourmet culinary career at the age of 15 at the Michelin-starred IHOP. Point two. Tiffany was the Norma Rae of her IHOP because she successfully battled management’s “No women in the kitchen” policy and became the first lady cook there. Point three. Tiffany also shattered more records at her local IHOP when she was promoted to management at the age of 17, making her the youngest manager in history. Point four. Tiffany is one of the only Top Chef contestants that doesn’t force me to run to Google (to look up “concasse” and fancy shit like that) when she explains her dish. Point five. Basically, what I’m trying to say is that Tiffany is the Velveeta foam on top of my seared Hot Pocket.

John Mayer’s David Duke dick has been quiet for a while, but now it has risen from the ashes left by Sexual Napalm and is shaking its rage at the Huffington Post for posting some shit about its reunion with Jennifer Aniston’s vagina instead of important news!

It all started when HuffPo ran some story earlier today about how John and Jen might be back together, because of some crap he said at one of his shows. Anytime anybody writes anything about John Mayer on the internet a special vibration goes off on his cock ring letting him know to check his Google Alerts immediately. After John read HuffPo’s piece, he queefed out a response on his Tumblr that is filled with his usual brand of hilarious doucheatry and a few phrases that pay:

Ahh, Huffington Post, the internet Death Star. The world’s first spectator banking website. Come watch a site’s intelligence move in and out like bellows of accordion depending on whether or not there’s ad dollars to be sucked out of any willing orifice.

From their front page item “BACK TOGETHER?”:

Are John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston back on? Mayer seemed to indicate they might be when he spoke in front of a crowd of 18,000 at his concert on Sunday at the Hollywood Bowl in LA.

“I believe in second chances!” he said. “You might have been a pain in the ass the last time around, but you can still start over again from home base. Next time you get a text from the one you love just text back ‘come over’ – no matter what happened in the past. If you really love someone, just tell them and be with them.”

Huffington Post, this is reporting? How do you pay your writers now, in Silly Bandz? Do you meet your sources in a malt shoppe? This is equal parts fabricated, cobbled together and misleading. Let’s break it down: I don’t think I ever said “I believe in second chances!” but I can’t be 100 percent sure, as it’s possible I could have accidentally said something succinctly and to the point. The next sentence is from the song “Half of My Heart,” in reference to the idea that meeting new people allows for hiding old mistakes. (Well, for most people at least.) The sentence about texting comes from the show’s encore, “Edge of Desire,” in a moment of giving people permission not to beat themselves down for still wanting someone. Two sentences about different things at different points in a concert.

The reason I’m calling you out instead of all the other magazines that make stories up out of thin air is that In Touch and Star Magazine aren’t concurrently writing pieces about Pat Tillman or WikiLeaks. Those other rags know who they are, and even if they’re obnoxious, I’d rather have to live with them because they (and the rest of the world) know where they stand, which doesn’t make them one tenth as dangerous as you are. You’re a stripper wearing reading glasses. Or maybe you’re an insolvent law student willing to dance for a few extra dollars. Either way, it’s uncomfortable to watch you try to wrap yourself around a pole when you have that C-Span scar.

I’m not a politician. I have no celebrity endorsements. So it is with a clear conscience that I’m able to title your piece on this post, should you decide to try make a few more bucks for whatever body wash or slasher flick you’re hocking today.

JOHN MAYER SLAMS HUFFPO: ” GO F**K YOURSELF!”

Damn. John Mayer is going raw (smells like open sores and melting Summer’s Eve bottles). I have a feeling that there’s something else behind this, because dude is taking shit way too seriously. Maybe a farsighted stripper with a scar in the shape of the C-Span logo once refused to give John a hand job in a club and he’s never gotten over it? So he’s throwing up his hurt all over HuffPo. Yeah, that must be it.

P.S. – Bitch said SILLY BANDZ!

With a hair yarmulke on top of his head and touches of silver hanging onto his beard, George Michael strolled into the Highbury Corner Magistrates Court in London this morning to plead “Yup, I Fucked Up” to the charges that he drove while under the influence of weed. George was busted last month after his Range Rover violently assaulted a Snappy Snaps photo shop by busting into that bitch. The cops found George stoned as all fuck.

AP reports that George admitted to the judge that he had the good shit waltzing through his system at the time of the crash and he accepted all responsibility for his actions. The judge took George’s tiny hand in his and then slapped it before suspending his drivers license for six months. The judge warned George that he could face time in the chokey if he’s arrested again, “It is a serious matter. Your driving was extremely poor and there was an accident.”

George barely got his drivers license back last year. It was snatched away from him in 2007 after he was found BROKE OFF, DOZED OFF behind the wheel of his car.

George and every single judge in the UK just need to come to the blatant realization that BITCH CAN’T DRIVE. Does George need Tai from Clueless to rise from the dead and tell him this to his face so he finally gets it? My sister, who once hit a parked car and made a left turn over a center divider, is a better driver than George and that’s saying everything. George was meant to be a professional passenger, that’s all. Run (don’t drive) and tell that!

But George’s day wasn’t totally filled with misery and hand slaps. I mean, look at him mentally masturbating while surrounded by a trio of hot cops!