Broadway critics did not have high hopes for Julie Taymor’s version of The Passion of the Christ. – Echo27

Runners-up:

Ashton Kutcher on the set of “Two and a Half Mennnonites.” – citizenstrange

Interpretive body paint dance aside, even Jesus rolled his eyes when he heard the Anthony verdict today. – Ang

Ryan Seacrest announces a new realty show: Keeping up with the Blasphemians. – justabitch

via Canoe (Thanks, Grandma Wrinkles)

This B- list movie actor who is not a bad looking guy at all continued his streak recently. Interesting streak. When he goes to a premiere for a new movie he is in, he always gets orally serviced. I need to clarify that he does not do it at every premiere city, but at one of the premieres he will get it done. He says it guarantees box office success. So far that is kind of hit and miss, but he got it taken care of this last week. (CDAN)

Larry Crowne, The Conspirator and Transformers 3 all had some kind of premiere last week. This shit isn’t Tom Hanks since he’s strictly A-list and seems like the type who giggles during beejes, which would piss everybody in the theater off. Josh Duhamel is sitting on a solid C, so it isn’t him. James McAvoy? No. So that leaves Shia LaDouche! It fits perfectly and this is some crazy OCD (stands for obsessive compulsive doucheorder) thing only he’d come up with.

And don’t feel bad for the poor soul who has to bruise her torso on a movie seat armrest while trying to fight the voms from sucking on Shia’s cheese doodle dick. At least she doesn’t have to watch Transformers.

This actress had one of the longest careers ever. She starred in what is considered by some to be the best movie ever made. She was also an Academy Award winner/nominee. The thing about our actress is she never got married. She also never really had that many relationships. Maybe one or two that might have happened when the whispers got louder. Oh yes there were whispers about something. Why would I write about something if there were no whispers. It seems that our actress did have a lover. A lifetime lover actually. Not so strange or whisper inducing right? Well, it is if your lover is also your sister. (CDAN)

Old Hollywood did scandal so much better than the new hos. Nowadays, a celebrity would never softly sing “incest is beeeest” into her sister’s cooch. Anyway, I’ve heard this one before. Lillian and Dorothy Gish. Exhibit: A.

Do you live in Westchester County? Have you ever fantasized about having an affair with a Major League Baseball player while his wife waits in another room? Now all of your dreams can come true! Simply respond to this Craigslist ad. Hurry, Ladies!:

pro ball player in town real post

So have a hot fantasy, I’m staying in westchester tonight with wife. Looking for a wild hot woman to meet at my hotel in a different room and ill sneak out. If we click looking for an on going thing. I’m white tall fit blue eyes. Send a pic and this is a real post. I play mlb but please don’t ask what team need discretion , I will tell you once I trust you..

Hurry ladies (Blind Gossip

When I Googled “famous white baseball player,” I got Sammy Sosa. White skin… blue eyes… Seems like a fit to me!

P.S. – CDAN gave the answers to a ton of blind items yesterday. Surprisingly, every single answer is not John Travolta, ALL OF THEM or Blake Lively.

Lower your wrinkled ass trench coat at half-mast today, because Peter Falk is now in heaven, tucking the angels into bed with the story of The Princess Bride. The Associated Press reports that Columbo peacefully died then woke back up and said “Just one more thing...” before dying again at his home in Beverly Hills, CA last night. Peter was 83 years old.

Peter had been suffering from Alzheimer’s for a few years. Peter’s rep said that he’s survived by his wife of 38 years and two daughters from a previous marriage.

Rest in peace, Peter. Thank you for Columbo, The Princess Bride, Pocketful of Miracles, The Great Race, Wings of Desire, Tune in Tomorrow and more importantly VIBES!!!! We will pour out some cigar ash in your honor today.

If you ignore the heinous rubber foot mitts made from the crusty dildos of Lucifer’s sex slaves in the darkest dungeon in Hell on Sacha Baron Cohen’s hooves, then you can appreciate the entire look he’s working for his new movie The Dictator. Sacha shot scenes for that shit on the UES in NYC yesterday afternoon and judging by these pictures, I’m guessing his character was given the wrong instructions for how to master the art of dining and ditching. Or maybe he’s on that new Jillian Michaels diet where you can eat whatever you want as long as you do it while jogging. Something ZANY, obviously. I don’t know. But one thing I do know that Sacha made the right choice by styling his character after the accident baby of It’s Pat and Dawn Wiener Dog.

If you’re a child of the 80s, like me, then your mom most likely looked just like this at one time or another. But instead of CROCS, she wore baby pink Kaepas (with two pink triangles, thankyouverymuch) and DAMN she loved it. This takes me back. I can practically see my mom wading waist-deep in the pool with a protective cone around her neck after getting a perm the day before. Nothing makes me miss the 80s more than thinking about my mom screaming, “DON’T SPLASH, YOU BRAT! I JUST GOT A PERM!”

Which aging royal was recently totally transfixed by Jennifer Aniston’s cleavage as she dined with Justin Theroux at the Sunset Tower Hotel’s Tower Bar? He was sitting with a group at a nearby table and so obviously staring at Aniston’s breasts that other diners worried he would spill his soup. Aniston, meanwhile, stayed totally focused on her date. (Page Six)

Yes, it’s true he was staring at Jennifer Aniston’s chichis but it wasn’t what you think! Jennifer’s Nana the Monkey Beanie Baby gets lonely at home without her, so she stuffs it in cleavage and brings it with her to dates. Dude is obviously an avid BB collector and wanted to get on that.

My first guess was Zsa Zsa’s husband Prince Von A-hole, but he’s about as royal my asshole. According to a Google search, the only royal that visited California recently was Prince Henrik of Denmark so I’ll go with him.

Which hot young actor has a collection of naked photos in his iPhone that he accepts from adoring fans? What the ladies don’t know is that he sends a roster of the hottest shots to all of his pals every week. (Page Six)

I’d say Kellan Lutz but I have a feeling that the only naked pictures he has on his iPhone are of Kellan Lutz.

This B list television actress trying to break into film can’t pay her bills or her mortgage and has been sleeping with ‘fans’ for money. She can never get ahead of her bills, but perhaps her drug habit has something to do with it. Sad. (BuzzFoto)

I have no idea, but I’ve been taught that when your brain goes black while thinking of the answer to a blind item, guess Katherine Heigl or John Travolta and you can’t go wrong.

Which pop star whose shtick is acting skanky really is? (In fact, sources swear she smells like a kettle of rotten fish.) (La Daily Musto)

Well, Ke$ha looks like she smells like a dirty tampon wrapped in an old diaper baking under the August sun on an outdoor subway platform, so she actually smells better than I thought.

On the left is the Crystal Enchantress of the Ice Johnny Weir signing copies of his memoirs at Macy’s in Philadelphia the other day. On the right is the forever reigning pretty pretty prince of the Internet Peter Pan Dude.

Both are what a fluffy white chicken would look like if it tried to escape the farm by disguising itself as Dorothy Hamill. Both could actually convince a room of strangers that Stuart from MADtv was based on them. Both could bedazzle a sheet of toilet paper by wiping their derrieres on it. Both piss hummingbird juice and huckleberry nectar. Both could give a sparkler show just by burping. And both have a nickname for their peen that could double as the name of a Popple.

Johnny is not one to Xerox copy a ho’s entire look, so I will assume he’s paying homage to the one and only Peter Pan Dude. I mean, who doesn’t open their closet in the morning and tell themselves that they want to look like Moe Howard meets Peter Pan Dude meets a Palm Springs divorcee?