England’s Finest Rose Got Married!

A real British royal wedding happened yesterday, and unlike those attention whores Duchess Kate and Prince William, it wasn’t televised for the public, because the bride is a demure and private flower.

Jodie Marsh, the goddess Duchess Kate aspires to be, made the cherubs barf up a stream of hearts and rainbows when she made some dude named James Placido the luckiest mere mortal on the planet by marrying him. James is technically Jodie’s first husband. In 2007, Jodie fake married her rival Katie Price’s ex Matt Peacock. Matt was a contestant on her reality show, Totally Jodie Marsh: Who’ll Take Her Up The Ass Aisle? The producers eventually found out that Matt and Jodie were dating before shooting started and she made him audition for the show. They split up after 3 months of fake wedded bliss and Jodie admitted the marriage was for TV and never real. So basically, Kim Kardashian is a Sam’s Choice version of Jodie Marsh.

Jodie made the announcement about her first genuine marriage (I think) on Twitter today and you’d think that the British government would immediately declare it a national holiday. But that didn’t happen since THE QUEEN and Duchess Kate are jealous of Jodie’s regal beauty.

Every major fashion magazine in the world is probably wondering what Jodie wore. Did she wear heart-shaped Valentino nipple pasties with a matching clit sock or did she go ultra modest by wearing Armani nipple veils with a light-up white thong? Jodie is keeping it a secret for now. Jodie let her loyal subjects know that they’ll have to calm themselves and wait to see her bridal look of elegance, because she’s too busy tweeting…and spending time with her new husband.

I am officially now Mrs Jodie Placido. James, you complete me. I love you more than anything. We do have so many pics from yesterday and we had two different outfits each (for those asking haha) but you’ll have to wait as for now. We are just enjoying our first day as husband and wife & it’s not a priority to be putting out pics haha. Hope that’s ok with you all. We didn’t tell anyone as we wanted a very private, romantic and beautiful wedding. It was all of the above.

Jodie declared four years ago that her hymen had magically grown back, because she hadn’t let anyone run up into her pristine sugar walls for a while. Jodie claims she’s been celibate ever since. But as soon as her new husband proposed to her, she opened up her sacred coochie gates of heaven to him.

And just a little FYI – I did actually remain celibate until he put a ring on my finger. Girls, the right one really WILL wait for you

A beauty, a saint AND an inspiration. James Placido’s peen should really be declared a historical monument.

After saying that she wasn’t going to post any pictures from her wedding just yet, Jodie went over to Instagram and teased her bridal look. I really need to train my dog to fetch me a paper bag, because I nearly hyperventilated after seeing this picture:

Exquisite Lucite heels for an exquisite bride. Those aren’t rhinestones either. Those are the tears of the angels who wept over Jodie’s beauty.

Pics: Instagram