Open Post: Hosted By A Poor Puppy Trying To Catch Fake Fish
Yesterday’s Open Post host was a mastermind dog who is a genius tater tat hoarder. Well, today’s Open Post host is Brady, an adorable Golden Retriever puppy who could use some of Tater Tot Dog’s brains. It’s a good thing Brady has looks, because he is a mess.
Brady’s human says that he loves cooling off in the kiddie pool and while hanging out in the water one day, he tried to catch some painted fish on the bottom of the pool. The problem with painted fish is that they aren’t real and you can’t catch them. Brady still hasn’t figured that out. Insert your “typical blonde” jokes here.
I shouldn’t even laugh at Brady, because if my drunk ass was lounging in a pool that had Double Doubles and peens painted on the bottom of it, you better believe I’d almost drown while trying to catch one with my mouth. Okay, I’d do that even if I was sober.
Josh Duggar Admits That He’s A Hypocrite And Was “Unfaithful” To His Wife (UPDATE)
I was fully ready for Josh Duggar to explain his two paid Ashley Madison accounts by saying that the evil demon gays must’ve put a black magic voodoo spell on him which possessed him to sign up for that devil site. But Josh Duggar has shocked us all by calling himself a hypocrite, because while he was spewing sanctimonious shit about traditional family values, he was also looking for side ass. That rumbling coming from the clouds above is God falling out of their chair, because even they can’t believe that Josh came clean so fast.
Kristen Stewart Was Her Usual Gracious And Welcoming Self At The ‘American Ultra’ Premiere
Tami Taylor’s like I’m just going to keep smiling and being beautiful and get away from her sullen ass as quickly as possible. That headline is a fallacy. Kristen Stewart actually SMILES in some of these pics. I think dating a woman (GOOGLE IT) has brought something out in her. Vagina is uplifting, soothing, and centering. Or so I’ve heard.
Here’s a mass of pics from the American Ultra premiere last night at the Ace Theater in LA. Jesse Eisenberg plays a government killing machine who’s been brainwashed to believe he’s a stoner convenience store clerk. The Funyons fly when he snaps out of it. KStew plays his girl. That must have been a fun set for co-star Connie Britton. Neither of those leads seem like the kind of people with whom you can joke around. Eisenberg seems like he’d be constantly concerned about his wig placement and always on the phone with his therapist.
You’ll also note that Stewart’s OTHER dude from Twilight, Taylor Lautner, was there. The male TayTay is looking slightly less pristine than usual. It’s possible he’s experiencing career misery. His next role is in Adam Sandler’s next pile of shit. That’s the movie that’s still in the production stages and has already offended Native Americans and Rose McGowan. That sort of gig probably sucks the Sean Cody right out of a guy’s look.
Check out the gallery below for more pics of Kristen and Connie Britton, as well as pics of Eisenberg, Lautner, Ashley Hinshaw, Topher Grace, someone named Johnny Deluca who I only included because he’s kind of cute and I’m shallow, Jason Ritter, John Leguizamo (and his kids), Rachel Roy, Tony Hale, Max Landis (who is obviously feeling ignored because he’s the screenwriter), and Into The Woods actor Billy Magnussen who is normally smokin’ hot but here looks like he’s done too much nitrous.
Pics: FayesVision/WENN.com
Hot Slut Of The Day!
The Grumpy Puppy!
The dog world must be sick and tired of all of the shine and millions of dollars Grumpy Cat has gotten over the years, so they have thrown their own contender into the ring. Earl is a half beagle, half pug (a puggle) whose human says that he was born looking like he was just forced to watch an Adam Sandler movie marathon while lying in a CROC bed. That dog’s looking at me like I just said that I love the Kardashians and meant it. That’s dog’s looking at me like I just farted and blamed it on him. That dog’s looking at me like I just told him those two “jokes.”
Yahoo! UK says that Earl’s climb to Internet fame started a few days ago when his human Derek Bloomfield of Iowa posted his picture on Reddit. A grumpy ass Internet star was born. Earl now has a Facebook and an Instagram page and he’s well on his way to starring in a Lifetime Christmas special and getting extra grumpy as he’s forced to pose with celebs from B to Zzz. Derek says that even though Earl looks like Joe Jackson when his favorite switch goes missing, he is happy on the inside.
“He has had the grumpy expression from day one. The vet said he’s as healthy as any other puppy. He just looks grumpy because of his underbite, wrinkles, and dark complexion. He is the most relaxed, content puppy either one of us has ever seen.”
The definition of grumpy is: “surly or ill-tempered; discontentedly or sullenly irritable; grouchy.” Honestly, Earl looks like he’s way past grumpy. He looks like he’s raging on the inside. That’s a “hide the knives, don’t go to sleep, keep the lights on, pre-dial 911 on your phone” kind of mad. But I guess “Going To Kill You Puppy” just doesn’t have the same ring to it as “Grumpy Puppy” does.
I welcome our new grumpy Internet star! Here’s hoping that Grumpy Puppy and Grumpy Cat join forces one day in a reboot of Grumpy Old Men. Earl is obviously the Walter Matthau.
Open Post: Hosted By Mickey Rourke’s Stunningly Gorgeous Hairstyle
When I first saw these pictures in thumbnail size on the photo agency’s website, I thought it was Chaz Dean, the hairstyling adonis from Flipping Out on Bravo. That is the ultimate compliment. Mistaking someone for Chaz Dean is like mistaking someone’s artwork for a Thomas Kinkade painting or mistaking someone’s song for a Stacey Q song or mistaking someone’s outfit as a vintage outfit from Contempo Casuals. There is no higher compliment.
Mickey Rourke left lunch in L.A. the other day and he looked like the Mona Lisa of the Excuse My Beauty Museum. Mickey looked like a beach hobo who majorly lost a fight against a bottle of Sun-In and a Flowbee, and that really IS the look. Mickey is seriously setting trends and I have a feeling that soon everybody will be wearing a pair of old lady sunglasses from Loehmann’s over electrocuted Fashionista Ken doll hair.
Snoop Dogg Got Arrested In Sweden
Based on my truly rudimentary knowledge of Sweden, it is my understanding that Sweden is a magical land of easy-to-assemble furniture, wacky eye-less puppet chefs, and rivers filled with delicious red candy fishes. And today I learned it’s also the sort of place where Snoop Dogg can get arrested.
TMZ says that Snoop Dogg found himself on the receiving end of a pair of whatever the Swedish word for hand cuffs is (Google translate tells me it’s “handbojor“, which is all kinds of terrific) on Saturday after police suspected him of driving under the influence of narcotics. Snoop had just come from a show in Uppsala, Sweden, and was showing signs of being a mess on the road, so police pulled him over and took him to the police station for a drug test. He’s currently sitting in Swedish jail. However, Snoop Dogg has called bullshit on the DUI and thinks he was pulled over by the police because he’s black. Snoop documented his arrest in a series of Instagram videos, and he says in one of them that the arrest was nothing but an act of racial profiling.
He also claims that they “didn’t find shit” during his urine test. A spokesman for the Swedish police threw a side-eye at Snoop’s claim of racial profiling and told TMZ “We don’t work like that in Sweden.”
The police tell TMZ that it will take two weeks to get Snoop’s drug test back. I don’t know how Swedish law works, but does that mean Snoop will be in Swedish jail for the next two weeks? I can’t even imagine what Swedish jail would be like. I bet they punish prisoners by forcing them to build an IKEA media center without the instructions while listening to “Waterloo” on repeat.
Pic: Instagram