Bret Michaels has announced to Gossip Cop today that after almost 16 years (on and off), the mother of his two kids, Kristi Gibson, is no longer running her fingers through his luscious European weave tracks as he motoboats her extra large Tupperware titty domes. They have ceased humping. Here’s the statement Bret’s spokesbitch released and I am one hundred percent disappointed that he didn’t start this shit with “every rose has its thorn….“

“Bret Michaels and longtime girlfriend Kristi Gibson have called off their engagement at this time. Although the couple have separated, they remain great friends and are committed to jointly raising their two daughters, Raine and Jorja.”

Now Bret can fill the cracks in his broken heart with whiskey-infused drool and genital wart pus from a new harem of graceful skanks on a new season of Rock of Love Bus. Or Bret can just stop fighting destiny and finally realize that he truly belongs with my favorite demure flower: DJ LADY TRIBE!

If you got an eh-legal drug for every time I used the phrase “eh-legal drugs” in casual conversation, you’d have enough eh-legal drugs to be the Lohan family’s personal eh-legal drug dealer.

If you only focused on the lyrics “tar pit trap,” “meat-eating orchids,” and “umbilical noose” in Nirvana’s Heart-Shaped Box, you’d totally know that Kurt Cobain wrote that song about Courtney Love’s pussy. Well, just in case Lana Del Rey doesn’t know that Courtney’s punane was the inspiration for “Heart-Shaped Box,” Courtney let her know over and over and over and over again on Twitter. Llama Del Taco yawned out HSB during a show in Sydney and the cover somehow made its way into Courtney’s ears. Courtney immediately poked at Lana on Twitter (via ONTD) and kept going on about how her dumpster-shaped death hole is a muse. Every time Courtney openly talks about her vagina, a peen gets cancer, turns black and falls off before it can be eaten.

While performing that song, Lana sounds like she’s dying a slow, painful death, so she was definitely thinking of Courtney Love’s vagina while singing it.

But really, while singing HSB, Lana sounds like a dozen tortured souls screaming for mercy from a bottomless pit in the afterworld and that’s exactly the same sound that comes out of Courtney’s cooch when she queefs. So Lana’s cover was a beautiful and fitting tribute to Courtney’s tar pit trap pussy.

Here’s Kat Dennings at the Television Critics Association in Beverly Hills, showing Christina Hendricks that she isn’t the only one who can hike up chichis until they’re practically dry humping her collarbones. It is definitely a good look when your titty balls look like two baby beluga whales head butting each other. If you Photoshopped an exquisitely crafted sausage leg to the side of each one of Kat’s chichis, this picture would look exactly like CoCo flexing her international treasure ass on Thong Thursday. When you push your titties up so much that they look like CoCo’s ass, you know you’re doing EVERYTHING right.

Because I love a good dope controversy, I’m temporarily interrupting my highly important coverage of OctoMom’s financial situation to bring you this story you’ve probably already heard about since every Olympic-loving ho is talking about it. Monocles up, because there’s possible shadiness ahead.

16-year-old Ye Shiwen of China had gossiping whores whispering over the weekend after she not only won the gold in the 400-meter individual medley and beat the world record with a time of 4:28:43, but also out-swam Ryan Lochte in the final 50-meters. Ryan won the gold in that same event and did the final 50 meters in 29.10 seconds while Ye Shiwen did it in 28.93 seconds. Because of this and because Ye Shiwen came out of nowhere to beat the U.S. 400-meter champion Elizabeth Beisel, some are screaming: SOMETHING IN THE CHLORINE WATER IS DOOOOOOOOPED!

John Leonard, the executive director of the World Swimming Coaches Association, tells The Guardian that at the World Championship last year, Ye Shiwen swam the 400m 7 seconds slower than she did at the Olympics. John Leonard said with a whole of training, this is possible, but Ye Shiwen speed swimming in the last 100 meters like one of Lil’ Wayne jizz fishes on meth IS completely impossible.

“We want to be very careful about calling it doping. The one thing I will say is that history in our sport will tell you that every time we see something, and I will put quotation marks around this, ‘unbelievable’, history shows us that it turns out later on there was doping involved. That last 100m was reminiscent of some old East German swimmers, for people who have been around a while. It was reminiscent of 400m individual medley by a young Irish woman in Atlanta.

I have been around swimming for four-and-a-half decades now. If you have been around swimming you know when something has been done that just isn’t right. I have heard commentators saying ‘well she is 16, and at that age amazing things happen’. Well yes, but not that amazing. I am sorry.”

Ye Shiwen has never won a medal in the 400m in a major international competition before and many say she was the last swimmer they were expecting to win the gold in London.

Many athletes have been pre-tested before the games, but some hos think that maybe China came up with a new performance-enhancing drug that goes undetected during testing. Okay, if China did brew up that drug, can they please give that drug to Lindsay Lohan? Because all the drugs she takes turn her into a loser and it’d be nice for her to win at something for a change. Damn.

Maybe Ye Shiwen did dope her way to that win or maybe she just has it like that naturally. Nobody knows yet, but what we do know is that Ye Shiwen beating Ryan Lochte in the final 50 meters temporarily dimmed the douche sparkle on his ugly ass rhinestone American flag grill. That’s the only thing that matters right now.

Some whores (aka me) say that Shannen Doherty has already won the lottery a million times over by getting cast in Heathers, getting cast in Girls Just Wanna Have Fun, getting cast in Charmed, getting cast in Little House on the Prairie and getting paid to spit her signature Brenda Walsh bitchiness at that bland tramp harlot whore Kelly Taylor (short version: Shannen Doherty won the lottery by being born as Shannen Doherty), but Shannen Doherty doesn’t think this.

On Friday’s The Talk (via Contact Music), Shannen said that during her Charmed days the crew and her would buy a bunch of lottery tickets together every time the jackpot reached a fever pitch. This one time, the jackpot was at around $50 million and the crew fucked with her emotions by giving her a fake newspaper with the fake lottery numbers on ’em. I’ll Shannen tell you the rest, and warning, reading the following paragraph of words might make you want to start a GoFundMe page to benefit Brenda Walsh’s broke ass:

“I jump up – I’m screaming hysterically – I run out of the make-up trailer, I run to my trailer, I gather up all my stuff, I run to my car, jump in, put it in drive, and start peeling out of the lot. (The cast and crew) come running after my car screaming, I stop really quick, and I’m like, ‘What?’ And they’re like, ‘Where are you going?’ and I’m like, ‘I won the lottery, I quit!’ They had to tell me that I did not win the lottery and I was still broke and I still had to work. I actually cried hysterically, I had tears pouring down my face.”

BROKE?! What about that Brenda Walsh money? Or that Jenny Wilder money? Or the full Cabbage Patch bank I sent her as a kid to thank her for making my life complete by being Brenda Walsh (I didn’t do that, but I should’ve)? I mean, BROKE? Did the producers of Charmed make her put a dollar in the slap jar every time she put five fingers on Alyssa Milano’s face, because that’s the only reason I could come up with for why Shannen Doherty would ever be BROKE.

But whatever, you know that saying? When one door closes repeatedly on a crew member’s head for pranking the wrong bitch, another door opens in an Education Connection online classroom.

OctoMom got off welfare the old-fashioned way (aka shriveling retinas by sucking off a huge baby bottle during her strip show debut) and now she’s trying to get money the other old-fashioned way: by begging for it.

TMZ says that Octo will be kicked out of her house of baby screeches and overstuffed Pampers any day now and she needs money for a down payment on another house to raise her child army in. So Octo’s holding up her empty change cup by posting a donation page on GoFundMe.com (more like GoBlowMe.com) and asking her “fans” for $150,000.

As of this morning, Octo is so close to meeting her goal and by that I mean she’s 1% there after two days! I know, don’t everybody throw your dollars at Octo’s donation page at the same time or the Internet might break from the sheer weight of money in her PayPal account. Karen the Bus Monitor, who? In all seriousness, why aren’t whores dumping all of their lube fund money into Octo’s online begging purse for making Tumblr a sexier place thanks to GIF after GIF of her twisting her eyes while twisting her octoclit. (Warning: Do not search for those GIFs unless you want to make your keyboard a barfier place).

TMZ also says that Octo is still going to do her side jobs in case she doesn’t get that $150k for free and that brings up another question. Octo has at least 150 kids and each one of those 150 kids probably has good credit and their own social security number, so why hasn’t she taken a loan in all of their names?

What is the point of having ten million children if you don’t commit identity theft against them by taking  out loans in their names?!