Bret Michaels Was Hospitalized During A Tour Stop In Nashville

It may be time to pack away your cans of Aqua Net, leather titty holsters, fingerless gloves, and extra pair of pocket panties to toss on stage for Bret Michaels to sop up his sweat with; because on Poison’s most recent tour stop the band had to break it to a horde of horny ladies of the 90s and 80s that Bret had to be taken to the hospital.

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A Medical Emergency Forced Bret Michaels Off The Stage At A Concert Last Night

Last night, as God was taking Lassie and the dog from Frasier for a walk, he looked around at the basic bitches in Heaven and sighed “What this place needs is a beautiful blond bandana angel”, and decided to call Bret Michaels home. E! says that Bret Michaels was performing a concert in Manchester, NH with his band on Thursday night when three songs into his set, he abruptly rushed off stage. Bret, who has suffered from type 1 diabetes since childhood, eventually returned, but only to inform everyone he wasn’t able to continue and that they should come collect their panties from the stage and go home.

Bret’s guitarist Pete Evick explained to fans on Bret’s Facebook page that a crew member had informed him that Bret’s blood sugar was super low and was taken to the tour bus to be evaluated by paramedics. No word on how Bret is doing today, but a Facebook message was posted late last night that said:

Sending a huge shout out to all the paramedics both on and off duty who have assisted Bret tonight. No words can thank you enough for your help – Team Bret

This isn’t the first time God has selfishly tried to snatch Bret Michaels and his golden polyester tracks away from us down here on Earth. Back in 2009, a piece of the set at the Tony Awards fell on his face. Then in 2010, he suffered a brain hemorrhage that laid him up in the hospital for a couple of weeks. Not too long after that he suffered a tiny stroke. And now God is fucking with his diabeetus? Leave Bret alone! If you want a sun-kissed hair metal herpes angel so badly, go see what the blond dude from Cinderella is up to. Bret still has a lot of living to do; we only got three seasons of Rock of Love!

Pic: Splash

Does This Mean We Can Finally Get A New Season Of Rock Of Love Bus?

Bret Michaels has announced to Gossip Cop today that after almost 16 years (on and off), the mother of his two kids, Kristi Gibson, is no longer running her fingers through his luscious European weave tracks as he motoboats her extra large Tupperware titty domes. They have ceased humping. Here’s the statement Bret’s spokesbitch released and I am one hundred percent disappointed that he didn’t start this shit with “every rose has its thorn….“

“Bret Michaels and longtime girlfriend Kristi Gibson have called off their engagement at this time. Although the couple have separated, they remain great friends and are committed to jointly raising their two daughters, Raine and Jorja.”

Now Bret can fill the cracks in his broken heart with whiskey-infused drool and genital wart pus from a new harem of graceful skanks on a new season of Rock of Love Bus. Or Bret can just stop fighting destiny and finally realize that he truly belongs with my favorite demure flower: DJ LADY TRIBE!

If you got an eh-legal drug for every time I used the phrase “eh-legal drugs” in casual conversation, you’d have enough eh-legal drugs to be the Lohan family’s personal eh-legal drug dealer.

Bitch Got Fired: The Bear Grylls Edition

In a pub somewhere in Central London, Bear Grylls has his face underneath a urinal drain in the men’s bathroom and is drowning his sorrows in gallons of piss. Discovery Channel announced today that they are cutting all ties with Kim Kardashian’s golden shower idol, because he has skipped out on two projects he was supposed to do with them. The last episode of Man vs. Wild will air in November. Discovery pissed out this statement to The Hollywood Reporter:

“Due to a continuing contractual dispute with Bear Grylls, Discovery has terminated all current productions with him.”

I hardly watched that mess, but it’s still a sad day in television history. We were so close to getting an episode of Bear finding ways to survive on his own pre-cum for days on end. Now if I want to see a crazy moron lick piss and eat out a soulless, fury beast, I’ll have to start watching Jersey Shore again. No. No. No.

Bitch Got Sued: Bret Michaels Wants The Tonys To Pay

Bret Michaels’ European imported weave was nearly scalped from his head two years ago when a set backdrop welcomed him to Broadway by smashing down on top of him during a Tony Awards performance. After all the groupie genital warts he’s nibbled on, all the booze he’s inhaled and all the pressure he’s put on his skull from suffocating it with a bandanna, a set piece at the damn Tony Awards is what took him out! It was the HAHAHAHAHA heard around the country until we learned that it left him with a broken nose and cut lip. Although, some of you evil cunts kept HAHAHAHAing after that (I’m looking at you, Ina Garten!).

Six months after his ego and wounds healed, Bret suffered a major brain hemorrhage that almost put him in a Rock of Death Coffin. Now Bret is blaming the Tony Awards for this and is suing the sequins off of them! When Bret is done with them, the Tony Awards will be so broke that they’ll have to hold next year’s ceremony in the middle of a shuttered Off-Track Betting on Broadway and 43rd (that sounds kind of hot, actually). TMZ has the details:

In his suit, Michaels claims, “One of the most common causes of this type of hemorrhage is head trauma — exactly like the one Michaels suffered at the hands of the Tony Awards.”

“Through his sheer will to live, to see his children grow up, [he] was able to survive this trauma.”

Bret says producers have “failed and refused” to remedy the situation … and even blamed him for the mishap at the Tony Awards, claiming he “missed his mark.”

Michaels is suing for unspecified damages. A rep for the Tonys had no comment.

“Suffered at the hands of the Tony Awards” sounds like the gayest snuff film ever and I love that it came from Bret. The suit goes on to allege that the producers failed to show Bret how to exit the stage correctly. Lord. This melodramatic workers comp mess needs to be turned into a Broadway musical. While I understand that Bret went through some serious shit, blaming the Tonys is ridiculous. Think of all the injuries the Rock of Love hos suffered when they opened their eyes too fast while kissing Bret. Do you see them suing?! They should, actually.

Did Tish Drive Bret’s Rock Of Love Bus Straight Into Billy Ray’s Heart?

I should’ve seen this coming a mile away like a bad anal breakout. When Miley Cyrus covered Every Rose Has Its Thorn, I figured she would be the one trying to grind on Bret Michaels in the studio, but it was TISH CYRUS instead! Tish was the one who rolled up her Skynyrd t-shirt, swayed her hips and then batted her gigantic anime horse eyes at Bret. And according to UsWeekly and Star Magazine, Bret was all about it, because he grabbed his saddle and said YEE-FUCKING-HAW!

A source tells UsWeekly that Tish’s down low fuck times with Bret is what really singed the tips of Billy Ray’s mullet. When Billy Ray found out that Tish was eating from a feeding bag tied to Bret’s crotch, he immediately filed for divorce. Apparently, Billy Ray also found out that Tish was doing another dude too.

Both Bret and Tish deny that anything went down.

This is some ridiculous shit that the nosy old memaw at the Piggly Wiggly whispers into your ear about the tramp of the trailer park and the mechanic who got caught fucking a Datsun’s gas tank. I love it. But really, this does make sense. Tish is a forever groupie slut whose one goal is to get more old rock star dick than a urinal in the men’s room of a Vh1 casting office. Tish is living out her dreams! And IN THIS ECONOMY, Bret realized that hooking up with Tish isn’t such a bad thing. They can share European weaves and N.Y.C. eyeliner.