Kiara Lee!

Kiara Lee calls herself the South Korean Kim Kardashian, but that is a lie. Because unlike that compost pile trollop Kim, Kiara has charisma, grace, elegance, talent and she’s as delicate as a tiny dew drop resting on the eyelids of a ladybug sitting on a cherry blossom.

Kiara Lee is a DJ, serious business woman and future Empress of EDM who just put out her soon-to-be #1 smash hit (on Billboard, okay on YouTube, okay on Kiara Lee’s iTunes playlist) “Who Said Asians Don’t Have Ass?” Listening to the song, which asks the question of our time, will make you feel like Sir Mix-A-Lot is farting in one ear while somebody punches the other one repeatedly. And the video is a technological wonder. I didn’t know that Industrial Light & Magic worked on music videos until I watched this musical and visual masterpiece. It may seem like the speaking parts of the song aren’t synched up with the video, but that’s not true. Your mind is just so boggled by the visual effects and artistry of it all that you’re having a hard time keeping up. If you shoved the essence of Sir Mix-A-Lot, a community college film department remake of The Cars’ video for “You Might Think,” an expired butt implant and a million dollars into a blender and pressed the pulse button, this is the brilliance you’d get:

If you’re in or around Kalabasas, you better put on a gas mask, because the air will be filled with burnt Botox and silicone fumes since I’m sure Kim Kartrashian is fuming with jealousy over Kiara Lee’s beauty and talent!

(For Ellie)

Krysten Ritter (34)
Jyoti Amge (22)
Anna Popplewell (27)
Michael Lohan Jr. (28)
Candice Crawford (29)
Amanda Setton (30)
Theo James (31)
Danielle Lloyd (32)
Sarah Kozer of Joe Millionaire (42)
Scott Storch (42)
Paul Van Dyk (44)
Miranda Otto (48)
J.B. Smoove (50)
Benjamin Bratt (52)
LaChanze (54)
Jon Tenney (54)
Xander Berkeley (60)
Billy Gibbons (66)
Benny Andersson (69)
Steven Bochco (72)
Lesley Stahl (74)
Liv Ullmann (77)

Pic: Instagram

Melanie Griffith posted an unfiltered picture on Instagram and told hos to say mean shit to her. I don’t want to say mean things to her, but I do want to feed her pieces of bread by a tranquil pond since she is giving me duckface for days – Celebitchy

The trailer for High Rise starring Tom Hiddleston came out and nearly every apartment in that shit looks like it was designed by Kanye West – Lainey Gossip

Michelle Dockery’s fiancee John Dineen died from cancer at the really, really young age of 34 – Starcasm

Backdoor Farrah allegedly told a Teen Mom producer that she doesn’t need to do that trashy show because she makes millions doing other shit. I think she meant that pretty literally, because I’m sure she makes a lot of money from doing underground scat porn – The Superficial 

HGTV gave David Bromstad a new show. Meanwhile, I’m here wondering where the hell Debbie Travis is! – Reality Tea 

RiRi’s new album is nowhere to be seen, but here’s her hard nips leaving a restaurant last night – The Nip Slip 

Jennifer Lawrence is on the cover of a magazine looking like her eyebrow situation needs to be re-synched – Drunken Stepfather 

Chaz Dean, QVC’s gorgeous Fabio of hair, is being sued by a bunch of people who claim that his stuff is scalping them – Jezebel

Jennifer Lawrence and Amy Schumer aren’t going to wear the same dress to the Golden Globes – Just Jared

Brad Pitt took his transition lenses to Cambodia – Popsugar

This weird Carly Fiorina dog video is so weird and hilarious that I expected to see “Directed By John Waters” at the end of it – Towleroad

Bella Hadid was obviously born to act! – Hollywood Tuna 

Taylor Swift please move to your right so I can get a better look at that hot bearded piece – Popoholic

Poke at me when Jimmy Kimmel gives us an infomercial for the peen blanket – SOW

20 semi-trucks full of cash just pulled up in front of Howard Stern’s house, which must mean he signed on for 5 more years with Sirius – HuffPo

Those Golden Retrievers aren’t happy because it’s Christmastimes, they’re happy because they have something new to piss all over. It’s Pissmastimes! – The Berry 

Ruby Rose is back on the market – IDLYITW

Pic: Instagram

Goldie Hawn, Diane Keaton and Bette Midler said hell no to a sequel to the highly quotable classic The First Wives Club, because even though it made millions upon million of dollars and was a success, the studio’s offer was trash. They were offered the same deal they got for the first movie. So a First Wives Club sequel never happened (but you know those evil demons of Hollywood are planning to do a reboot starring Jennifer Lawrence, Emma Stone and Amy Schumer). But Deadline says that the three are reuniting for a Netflix movie. Since Netflix is in the reuniting mood, can they please reunite the cast of 9 to 5 by putting Dolly Parton on Grace & Frankie?!

Deadline says that Goldie, Diane and Bette will star in a movie called Divanation, which is also the name of Mariah Carey’s city on Sim City Build-It. The three of them will play the member of a once-popular girl group who had a messy split and are forced to reunite after 30 years of not seeing each other’s faces. Producers are currently looking for a director and the second draft is being written right now.

I know the plot doesn’t really fit and they’re too old, but I still hope that Divanation is a Wilson Phillips biopic starring Goldie as Chynna Phillips, Diane Keaton as Wendy Wilson and Bette Midler as Carnie Wilson.

And the only way Divanation could get any better is if the producers get Elizabeth Berkley to recreate the Oscar-worthy performance she gave as Victor Garber’s underage trophy piece (yeah, she played 16, it’s make believe) in First Wives Club.

Pic: Getty

So you’re at Seth MacFarlane’s extra fancy Christmas party in Beverly Hills and to the right of you is Bill Maher and on stage is Meghan Trainor singing. How do you handle all that insufferableness? Well, any reasonable person would dunk their head in the spiked punch bowl and guzzle until it’s empty and you’re seven kinds of wasted. That’s what Page Six says that Xtina did. Although, Xtina probably does that every night of the week.

Xtina recently yodeled out a duet with Seth McFarlane at a Frank Sinatra tribute in NYC so he invited her to his annual Christmas party at his house. When you invite Drunktina to one of your parties, you should know that there’s a really good chance she’s going to pass out on your bed (see: Jeremy Renner’s party), display “questionable” behavior (see: Mimi’s party) and/or leave permanent red lip paint stains on your walls when her drunk ass bumps into them.

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Here’s Beyonce leaving a holiday party for her company Parkwood Entertainment in NYC last night and I had to blink a few times before I figured out that this isn’t RiRi in one of her everyday outfits. This is just adding more fuckery fuel to the rumors that Jay-Z humped on RiRi. I mean, Jay-Z is making Beyonce dress like RiRi now!

I know that this look is supposed to be all quirky and spontaneous and like something she threw on while getting wasted at her office holiday party, but I bet it took 4 stylists, an approval from Anna Wintour and 8 designers to put it together. It almost didn’t come together, because FedEx was late in delivering the custom-made Hermes rabbit fur and red-dyed mohair Santa hat from France. They almost had to go with the mink and sable Santa hat from Prada and that would’ve ruined everything!

Pics: Splash