Xtina’s Drunk Ass Knows Where To Pass Out

If you’re going to fall into a sweet nectar-induced coma on somebody’s bed, it might as well be Jeremy Renner’s. Xtina has obviously been reading up on the drunk ho’s list of pre-approved beds to pass out on, because she allegedly got close to Jeremy Renner’s duvet cover at his 40th birthday party on January 8th. That’s what a source tells UsWeekly anyway.

Apparently, Xtina stumbled into Jeremy’s house with her psychical state set to “broke off & dozed off” and continued to get Snooki drunk. A source claims that she was acting the fool and her bought bitch Matthew Rutler kept trying to keep her quiet. Err. One of the first rules of dealing with a drunk bitch is: never ever tell them to keep it quiet. They will turn up the slurr and all you’ll hear is “Whadya meeeeen beee quiet! Dis is my whithper librury voy-es..” over and over again. Just prop them over a plastic trash can and stick a cheeseburger in their booze hole.

Eventually, she found her way into Jeremy’s bedroom and became one with his sheets. Jeremy was overheard telling people at a Golden Globes after-party: “Someone comes and tells me she’s in my room. I run up and open the door and I’m like, ‘Um, hi. What are you doing?’ She just starts slurring. Her boyfriend was rubbing her back. Who comes to someone’s birthday party that they don’t know and gets in their bed?! My parents were there!”

Jeremy’s rep said that Xtina had a good time, but didn’t get into Jeremy’s bed.

Oh, please. Jeremy is acting like he doesn’t come home to find a random drunk ho in his bed almost every single day. Jeremy, we already know that your maid turns down the drunk whores every night before bedtime. We know this. Jeremy really got upset, because he knew he had to throw out the sheets he bought with his “Mission Impossible” money thanks to the lipstick slobber stains Xtina left for him. Note to Jeremy: When you see Xtina stumbling up to your driveway, Saran Wrap your carpets and put a furniture condom on everything. Oil-based face paint from Benjamin Moore does not scrub out!

And I’m fucking loving the new Xtina. Yelling at wet noodle hos and passing out on Jeremy Renner’s bed? For the first time in my life I can say with confidence that I’m an Xtinahead. Keep fucking that chicken, Xtina!