Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino forgot rule #1 of any money situation, which is that if you find yourself making more of it, you need to remember to pay Uncle Sam. Otherwise, you might find yourself in a locked-up situation. Which is where The Situation is today.
I know shit about fighting, save for what I remember from the 20 minutes of Double Dragon I played on Nintendo before I got bored and threw on Barbie’s Glamorous Quest. So I had to do a bit of research on Ronda Rousey. From what the internet tells me, Ronda Rousey is a really good MMA fighter. She’s so good, she went home with two ESPYs last night, including Best Female Athlete and Best Fighter. I also learned that Ronda can take a bitch down with her expert-level reading skills.
Ronda was presented with the award for Best Fighter on the red carpet last night, and the first thing she did after accepting it was to verbally slap the shit out of fellow Best Fighter nominee and baby mama beater Floyd Mayweather by saying:
“I can’t help but say that I wonder how Floyd feels being beat by a woman for once. I’d like to see you pretend to not know who I am now.”
I don’t know if you can get concussions from words, but Floyd Mayweather Jr. might want to swing by the hospital, just in case. The moment Ronda replaced 50 Cent at the top of Floyd Mayweather shit list happens around the 2:00 mark.
Normally this would be where I’d say “You in danger, girl” to Ronda Rousey, but we don’t even know if Floyd Mayweather even saw the ESPYs. If last night was his night to watch Justin Bieber, then the only channel they were watching was Nick Jr.
Here’s more of Ronda Rousey from last night, as well as Russell Wilson and the woman he’s not fucking, Lindsey Vonn, Halle Berry, A-Rod, and lovable party boy doofus Gronk (who was probably itching to get out of that suit and into a pair of shorts).
Rapper, former Flipmode Squad member, and Rasheeda from Carmen: A Hop Hopera (really the only credit that matters) Rah Digga recently spit some truth so hot about Australian rapper Iggy Azalea, you could deep-fry an Outback Bloomin’ Onion in it. During an interview with Gossip Viv from This is 50 Radio (via E!), Rah let it be known that she thinks the answer to Iggy’s question of “Who dat? Who dat?” is ‘A White Chicks-looking kangaroo-riding pantyhose-wrapped bundle of LIES‘:
“Iggy Azalea, I can’t really get into her. Because it’s just not real to me. There is a white girl from Australia that spits in an Australian accent, and her name is Chelsea Jane. That I can get into. Teach me Australian Hip-Hop culture. Don’t come to America and try to convince me that you’re Gangsta Boo. We’re not going to believe you if you’re trying to convince us that you’re out here trap shooting.”
“That’s the problem. They’re too many passes being given. When did it become wrong to call out people that don’t write their own rhymes? When did that become a crime in hip-hop?”
Naturally, Iggy decided to respond to Rah’s accusations that she’s doing a spot-on impression of J-Roc from Trailer Park Boys by throwing some subtle shade on Twitter:
I’m sure you’re like “Punk’d? How current. What’s next, a BREAKING story from the set of Pimp My Ride?“, but honestly, this story is worth traveling back in time to 2003. Dust off your Von Dutch trucker hat and grab a Pepsi Twist (remember that shit? It was like drinking cola-flavored Pledge), it’s time to talk about that time Justin Timberlake threatened to fight Dax Shepard during the filming of Punk’d!
During an interview with WTF with Marc Maron (via Uproxx), Kristen Bell’s husband admitted that he used to be a bit of a rage case and get into fights a lot. Ashton Kutcher knew this when he hired him for MTV’s Punk’d, and he warned him that no matter how messy shit might get with a celebrity during a prank (like if the person being pranked can’t take a joke and turns Punk’d into Punch’d), he wasn’t allowed to fight back. Ashton doesn’t have that kind of insurance, brah! Dax says it was never really a problem, since most people laughed it off when they found out it was all a joke. Except for one very butthurt boybander named Justin Timberlake, who wanted to whoop a trick, NSYNC-style.
War Machine, the roided-up human garbage person and MMA fighter who attempted to rape/succeeded in beating the shit out of his ex-girlfriend, porn star Christy Mack, has finally been apprehended after spending a week running from the Las Vegas police like a Monster-fueled fugitive coward. And remember how Dog the Bounty Hunter said he was going to be the one to do it? Yeah, never happened. TMZ says that War Machine was captured yesterday almost 300 miles away at a hotel in Simi Valley, California by U.S. Marshals (hands up if you also imagined he was pursued by Tommy Lee Jones), who found him sitting alone on a hotel bed with a pizza and a small amount of cash. Pizza and cash? He definitely seems more like a bag of Jack Links and a prepaid VISA card kind of dude to me. Continue reading
While some of us were lighting sparklers from our b-holes to celebrate The Silver Fox casually giving up his spot in the glass closet, that Aqualish-looking ass bitch Star Jones said on Today that she thinks he completely choreographed his coming out for maximum attention and to pull up the ratings of his talk show. On today’s episode of Anderson, the Rhoda to Anderson’s Mary, Andy Cohen, brought up his coming out, and the Silver Fox said that the only thing that tore a strip of silver leaf off of his fox hole was what Star said. Anderson stuffed some dried bitchiness into a tea bag, dropped that tea bag in a mug full of lukewarm tap water and then served it to Star Jones:
“I will say and I actually haven’t mentioned this, the only thing that did kind of annoy me and actually it annoyed my mom who brought it up to me, Star Jones of all people, I know you mentioned it on your show. Star Jones of all people, I haven’t thought about Star Jones in I don’t know how long. I was unaware she was even on TV still but she apparently shows up on a morning show on Today or Good Morning America, The Today Show. Anyway, out of the blue Star Jones said after I sent this email Star Jones said this was a ratings ploy by me to boost ratings.”
As Dirt Star Jones ran that burn under cold water, Anderson said that she’s obviously letting her ass lips do the talking, because what she said was a pile of dingles and didn’t even make sense.
“That’s why it so annoyed me because of all the ways to boost ratings, like if I was wanting to boost ratings I would have waited to announce it on a very special episode, that would have been promo’d for weeks and weeks and there would have been commercials, ‘Anderson’s huge announcement,’ and you would have a cut away of the audience but instead I was in Africa on assignment for 60 Minutes, I sent an email to a friend of mine who put it on a website. I gave no interviews about it, I never talked about it. I wasn’t even on the air for days afterward and so suddenly Star Jones, who as memory serves, in terms of boosting ratings, I seem to recall her hocking her wedding every single day to get free products when she was on The View and I seem to recall her lying about her gastric bypass surgery and making everybody else lie about it as well. So for her to suddenly emerge out of the shadows and suddenly attack me for this, I couldn’t believe it.
And my mom was like, ‘Who is Star Jones?’ Anyway, so I can’t even believe I am bringing this up because I don’t even want to give Star Jones the attention. I never planned on talking about this but we invited Star Jones to come on this show and she turned us down.”
Star Jones is a scared bitch and that’s why she can’t face the Silver Fox. But you know, it sounds like Anderson still has some shit to say to her, so I’ll be happy to slip on an E.T. costume, throw a black wig on my head and let him slap me, whip me and shade me like I’m Star Jones.
Star’s dumb ass is probably already getting punished for this anyway. I can only imagine the cuntified text messages that Gay Al Reynolds is sending her. Now that Star has pissed off the Silver Fox off, there’s no way Gay Al will ever get an invitation to Anderson’s Sunday afternoon tea party. Gay Al’s gay social life is OVAH!