Category: Stripper Woes

Jon Gosselin’s Stripper Phase Is Over

April 2, 2017 / Posted by:

Jon and Kate Gosselin are like the roaches you see scattering around the kitchen that come out to taunt you with their existence every now and again. These mu’fuckas just refuse to call the time of death on their “celebrity,” because Kate is still pimping the kids out on TLC and Jon is now a stripper.

Yes, I know, you need a moment to go grab the lotion of your choice because the mental image of his pasty, busted biscuit can shaped body gyrating for the masses is setting your loins to BROIL. Well, unfortunately for all of us, Jon is more of a cock tease than the girl in high school who only gives out hand jobs.

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A Houston Stripper Says Wheelchair Jimmy Won’t Stop Harassing Her After They Had Sex

October 7, 2014 / Posted by:

TMZ says that a Houston-area stripper named Jhonni Blaze (who may or may not be Ghost Rider’s long-lost stripper sister) is claiming that Wheelchair Jimmy’s people have been harassing and threatening her ever since she decided to grind up on his emergency brake one night. Jhonni says that after she had sex with Drake, he was afraid she was going to talk about it (“it” probably being the butt sandwich he made for her), so he started “angrily” texting her. Eventually it got worse than receiving Emoji-filled messsages asking her to STFU; Jhonni claims he also sent his muscle to her house in an attempt to coerce her into keeping her stripper mouth shut, and threatened her life.

That’s when Jhonni went to the police. TMZ says the Houston PD has confirmed they opened an investigation, but that they can only reveal it involves a “possible celebrity”. Um, excuse you Houston PD, but that’s a member of the Canadian Royal Family you’re dealing with! Show some respect!

Jhonni went to the cops to complain, but she’s not sure she wants to press charges. Regardless, the Houston PD would like to speak to the “celebrity” in question, probably to tell him to cool it with the Toronto Tony Soprano shit. And, of course, a source close to Drake says none of this shit ever happened.

Obviously in a case of Stripper vs. Famous Rapper, it’s going to be a tough call. But before I make any solid decision, I need to see some proof that Wheelchair Jimmy was railroading that stripper. Show me the receipts! I wanna see those texts! There’s no way that a gentle sensitive soul like Drake was sending anything but polite Canadian texts to that stripper after they fucked. “Excuse me? I’m so sorry, but may I request that you not kiss and tell? Thank you!” And I want to see pictures of the no-goodniks that came to her house. Did they look like this? Did one of them answer to “Spinner”?

And there’s only one way to find out if she even slept with Drake: what color were his bedsheets, Jhonni? Navy or green? TRICK QUESTION! Everyone knows Drake sleeps in a fleece Raptors Snuggie on a pile of golden retriever puppies!

Pic: Instagram

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Justin Bieber Is Butch

October 20, 2013 / Posted by:

Another day, another desperate attempt by Justin Bieber to try to butch up his image and convince us all that he’s not a lipstick lesbian.  Lipgloss always, lipstick NEVAH!  Unless it’s Wet’N’Wild frosted cotton candy pink, guuuurl.  So the Daily Mail reports that the bad ass (or really, just ass) went to a strip club where he apparently touched a stripper’s nalgas.  Putting hands on bare real lady flesh!! They grow up so fast.

He was hanging with his entourage at Club V Live in Houston with topless strippers, and no way were the other girls going to show him up, so of course he got topless too.  Everybody got their titties out!  Sounds like a typical Thanksgiving dinner at my house.  And like my house, turkey has by far the best looking breast to offer.

It looks like it was a wild staying up past bedtime night.  TMZ has exclusive pics of Biebs with a Dos Equis in hand at Nox Houston earlier in the evening but since it’s illegal for toddlers 19 year olds to drink, I’m sure he was just holding it for his bodyguard.  So Texas will arrest Willie Nelson for smoking the good shit but is okay with kids getting their drank on??  Heinous.  Anyway, they moved the party to the strip club where Justin pretended to be liquored up off of one beer and started groping half naked booty.

The stripper tweeted ‘He touched my ass I almost fainted [sic],’ @DiamondsR4ever. The truth is she almost fainted from shock when Pedobear and the feds didn’t come cart her ass to jail for letting little boys bad touch her.  Or maybe the fumes off of Justin’s whole-bottle-of-Dippity-Do head made her woozy.

With a handful of hiney (“I’m never washing this hand again!” – Justin “Um, seriously, here’s some Purell” – the stripper) and a fresh Shirley Temple, Justin partied into the night, throwing dollah dollah bills y’all at the ladies and there are a few grainy ass pictures below.  WE GET IT BIEBS, you’re all growed up and you only wear diapers now because it’s cool and not because you can’t make a pee pee in the potty yet.

In the last year or so, he’s gone from being Walt Disney‘s wettest dream to partying with strippers, pissing in mop buckets, spitting on fans, and most douchetastic of all having his bodyguards carry him onto the Great Wall of China without even using his Baby Bjorn.  In other words, he’s grown from a snotty entitled little brat to a snotty entitled little man.  Now I get why Toby Sheldon totally wants to be him.

Pics via Daily Mail

Kim Kuntrashian Is Whining About The Publicity Stunt Pimp Mama Kris Came Up With

March 24, 2012 / Posted by:

After a white load was shot onto Kim Karkrashian’s hair and back, she cracked the bulges of plastic in her face by laughing it off like it was nothing. If Kim left it at that, the stunt would be forgotten and nobody would be writing about it. Pimp Mama Kris taught Kim how to turn flour into whorenade, so now she’s whining about how she’s thinking of pressing charges and now everybody is writing about that mess again (including me, which is why I cry at the bottom of a lukewarm shower at night). The plastic bag of whore farts told leaf carrier Giuliana Rancic that what happened to her is not right and it took attention away from the charity she was promoting (aka the charity being herself).

“I said earlier no I wasn’t [going to file a complaint]. I am just going to think about it, because I don’t want someone to think they can really get away with that. So we are going to handle that.

I was laughing it off earlier and, you know, I think that is the only thing I knew how to do at the time. But I just think it is such a shame that someone like that…would ruin an event, or attempt to ruin an event, that was based around, not only my fragrance, but this organization, Dress For Success. I mean that’s what the event was about. These women flew in from all over the country to be a part of this event, that are underprivileged women, that really got the shine taken away from them a little bit. That’s why I am calling in now. I feel bad that it was kind of derailed from that.

Now that I think about it and had some time to digest it. I think, ‘What if that was some other substance? What if that person had a dangerous weapon?’ It’s scary. And what’s even scarier is this woman acted as if she was a part of the press. She just came out of nowhere! And so we are definitely changing things up a little bit, amping up security, taking some measures, and…I’m gonna definitely deal with it because it is not acceptable.”

Getting splattered on made this bitch famous and getting splattered on AGAIN is stretching her 15. If this shit wasn’t a stunt to promote her stupid bottle of ass juice, Kim still got attention for it. If this shit was a stunt to promote her stupid bottle of ass juice, Kim STILL got attention for it. The real losers in this is all of us. Correction: The real loser in this is that flour, because it was wasted on that twat when it could’ve been used to make delicious cupcakes. Think of the cupcakes.

UPDATE: TMZ says Kim will press charges against the ho who splattered flour on her. And we should all press charges against Ray J for making Kim famous by splattering his jizz on her.

Wonks Was Set Up!

August 30, 2010 / Posted by:

There’s good news and there’s “WONK PLEASE” news. First up is the good news, which brings all of us one beautiful step closer to seeing Parasite Hilton push a wonky tear out of her eye in the back a cop car AGAIN. TMZ reports that Wonks will be charged with a felony for getting caught with a .8 grams of coke in Las Vegas over the weekend. According to the police report, the arresting officer didn’t even have to work that hard to bust Wonky, because an invisible angel picked up the bag of Lindsay Lohan’s favorite nose mint from her bag and gracefully dropped it into the cop’s open palm.

The cop writes that right after they pulled Wonky’s boyfriend Cy Waits over, she started complaining about how she needed to take a piss (aka flush the evidence down the toilet). So the cop held on to Wonky’s purse and escorted her into the Wynn Hotel so she could use the bathroom.

Once they were inside, she asked the cop if she could get some lip chap out of her purse. The cop when on to write: “As she began to open it, I saw a small bindle of what I believed to be cocaine in a clear baggie begin to fall from the purse and into my hand.” HA. When Darwin fails, we all win.

The cop also found a broken Albuterol tablet and Zig Zag rolling papers. Wonks admitted that the Albuterol belonged to her, but she pulled an excuse straight out of every episode of Cops by saying that the coke wasn’t hers. And not only was the coke not hers, but neither was the purse! This bitch told the police that her friend let her borrow the purse earlier. Wonks said that she had seen the bag of coke in the purse earlier, but she thought “it was gum.”

Now for the “WONK PLEASE” news. According to TMZ, her story is about as jacked up as her eye, because she’s now telling friends that she thinks she was set up! Wonks has admitted to friends that the purse is hers, but she believes a shifty bitch dropped the coke into her bag. A source claims that Wonky is saying, “I had no idea the cocaine was there. I swear on my life. It could be a setup. Everyone knows how against cocaine I am.” Wonks also thinks that the cop turned it into a big deal, because she’s famous.

So just to recap, Wonks is either going to play “the coke is not mine” card or “the purse is not mine” card. Here’s hoping Las Vegas plays the “GO DIRECTLY TO JAIL” card and sets this dumb bitch up in a nice jail suite a few doors down from O.J. Simpson on celebrity row.

When Strippers Fight Back

August 9, 2010 / Posted by:

For the past four years, the pussy shakers at Foxhole strip club in Ohio have come to work each day to find the members of a nearby Christian church protesting their asses and condemning them to hell. That’s considered dirty talk to all of us sluts around here, but the strippers don’t appreciate that shit!

The pastor of New Beginnings Ministries leads the protests which usually involves blow horns (not in a sexy way) and signs with bible verses on them. The protesters also videotape the license plates of the club’s customers to post on the internet. Well, the strippers have had enough of New Beginnings trying to deflate their nipples, so they ventured into the daylight to fight back!

Right before mass this past Sunday, the strippers arrived at New Beginnings in their bikinis to hold a protest of their very own. As churchgoers shuffled in, the strippers of the Foxhole greeted them with their titties, a smile and a few messages of their very own.

The strippers and the churchgoers should come together over a lap dance followed by a bottle of church wine. Why fight when they can join forces for the greater cause? I mean, if such a thing as a strip club/church existed, I’d probably go to mass every damn night! Correction: If such a thing as a strip club/church/In-N-Out existed, I’d definitely go to mass every damn night!

Below is a clip of the strippers talking about their cause. Shelley Duvall can make her big comeback when she plays Lola Lorain in the Lifetime movie version of this.

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