Shia LaBeouf is very, very sorry. He’s ashamed of his behavior and “his outright disrespect for authority is problematic to say the least.”
Yesterday, after suuuuuuuuuuper cringy body cam footage emerged of his arrest on charges of disorderly conduct, public drunkenness and obstruction, Shia issued a predictable, measured apology on Twitter.
Las Vegas has long been known as the HIGH ART capital of the world, so it’s not a surprise that Summer’s Eve’s favorite artist Shia LaBeouf (sorry, James Franco) would choose it as the place to perform his latest art piece that I’d like to call “This Is Not Going To End Well.” Shia and his on-and-off-again brow-less piece Mia Goth got married by an Elvis impersonator in a ceremony that was livestreamed on TMZ. If Pimp Mama Kris had a heart, it would break by the heavy weight of betrayal from Harvey Levin letting someone other than a Kartrashian be the first fame whore to get married live on TMZ.
Come… here. Wow! You’re getting so big! Who’s a big boy? You! You! Ok… Let’s put you in your seat… Click in… Ok. You want some pasta? Who wants pasta? No. Don’t throw it. We eat the pasta! Mmmmm! Tasty! No, Timmy. Please don’t throw it. Here comes the airp- Timmy! You’re making such a mess! NO! NO! STOP THROWING IT EVERYWHERE! TIMMY! TIMMY!
That is essentially what it’s like to me every time I see something about Shia LaBeouf. It all starts out normal or semi-normal or even fucking stupid but I’m like “ok, whatever” and then the shit just hits the fan really quickly and the switch goes from ‘ON’ to ‘WHY’. Never one to disappoint his fans – is that the word? is that correct in this context? – Shia LaBeouf turned the volume up from a LaBeouf 8 to a hard LaBeouf 12 during his latest performance art masterpiece nightmare hellscape. If you need a refresher, Michael described it all brilliantly in his review for Art in America.
Page Six reports that during Elevator: The Horror Show, Shia punched someone in the face for the sake of ART. A 29-year-old Oxford student waited for hours and hours to get in there with the thinking person’s Lady Gaga so he could ask him to punch him in the face for his own performance art project. Their exchange went like this:
Student: “I’m a performance artist. Can you help me with completion of my next piece by punching me in the face?”
Shia: “Oh man, you want me to punch you in the face? I don’t want to punch you very hard!”
Student: “Don’t be a pussy!”
Artist: “I don’t like doing it though…I just met you.”
The doors soon close and we don’t actually get to see Shia give it to him good, sadly, but the punch can heard. More importantly, the punch can be felt! The high stakes at play here for Shia and this student can be felt! ART makes one feel and that is what Shia does – he feels to make us feel because without feel there is no art and without art there is no Even Stevens: The Movie!
Living toilet brush Shia LaBeouf appeared on Ellen today to promote Fury (aka the movie where he spent 2 hours learning his lines and 2,038,365 hours being a crazy face-slashing toof-pulling MESS), and Ellen DeGeneres was like, Bla bla bla that’s cool, whatever, tell us about that time you lost your damn douchey mind. Cut to a not-the-one Brad Pitt standing in wings mouthing the words “Bitch, you better make this shit sound believable, cause we’ve got a movie to sell.”
Shia explained that the reason he turned into a pretentious dirty hipster faux-hobo performance artiste is because he was going through an existential crisis. Shi Shi blames a lot of his “hiccups” (re: shitty decisions) on his existential crisis, including, but not limited to: that time he wore a paper bag on his head during the Nymphomaniac premiere, that time he set up a table in an art gallery and let people read mean Tweets to him, and that time he decided those hideous maroon corduroy leggings were a good look (he didn’t admit that, but maybe his heart’s just not ready to). Finally, when Ellen asked him what put on a curly black wig, slapped him across the face, and shouted “Snap out of it!“, Shia answered:
“Uh, jail. 100%. Jail is quite scary.“
Shia admitted that being held for 24 hours in a Hannibal Lecter mask in jail was enough to scare him straight, and he decided to leave all the nonsense behind and focus on being “as good as I can be“. So, basically, look out, the rest of Shia’s teeth, you’re next. But I will say this: Shia no longer looks like if someone gave him a hug they’d get head lice, so that’s good.
Shia also says he got through The Year of Crazy Shia by getting phone calls from the love of his life, his mother Shayna Saide, telling him to “stop fucking around.” Shia also referred to his mother as “my girl” and air smooched into the camera. Ew, I guess the old Shia really is back?
During an interview with GQ (via The Guardian), Logan Lerman – a dude who’s last name sounds like the way you’d say “merman” if you were wasted as fuck, and I like that – told a story about his Fury co-star Shia LaBeouf, and, SURPRISE, it’s right up there with pulling out his own tooth and refusing to shower. Warning: massive levels of dum-dum douchebag behavior ahead.
Logan claims that Shi Shi was sitting in makeup one day getting fake cuts and wounds painted on his face, and Logan made the mistake of commenting that they looked real. That’s when Shi got that crazy “Oh YES I’ll pull out my own tooth!” look in his eyes and hissed at Logan and the makeup artist that, no, it didn’t look real. Logan claims he then got up out of the makeup chair, pulled out a knife, and said the six words you never want to hear Shia LaBeouf say: “Hey man, wanna see something fun?”
That’s when Shia proceed to carve up his face like a Thanksgiving turkey. And Logan says Shia continued to keep it real and open up his scabs during the remainder of filming. “Oh, that scamp!” – thought Brad Pitt, reflecting on the screwball antics of his favorite lil’ actor.
I know that Shia did that shit because he’s a serious ~actor~ and goes method even when the script is like “It’s cool, you don’t have to go method for this shit, you’re just a dude in a tank.” But I’d rather believe that it was actually his brain trying to make a break for it by escaping through a peep hole in his face. I mean, that’s what I’d do if I were Shia’s brain and had to ride that crazy train 24-7. I’d be like “Psst…Shi Shi…know what would be super artsy and actor-y? If you grabbed a knife and made an escape hatch…errr, I mean…”
And speaking of Shia’s brain, thank you, brain, for making him wear something other than those damn corduroy leggings this weekend:
Any trick who rudely interrupts a topless Alan Cumming dry humping a Kit Kat dancer while singing in a German accent should be thrown into a windowless, concrete jail cell where they’ll have to spend every waking second wrestling with the fact that they ruined Cabaret for EVERYBODY. Bitch should be sitting all alone in his
room cell. But since the US justice system is about as twisted and wrong as Shia LaDouche’s soft-boiled huevos in Spandex leggings, that didn’t happen to him. Shia cut a deal and in exchange for a guilty plea, he got six months of booze rehab. Shia has already done 3 months of outpatient rehab, so he only has 3 more months to go. Once he’s done with rehab, he can withdraw his guilty plea and the case will be thrown out. ABC News says that Shia pleaded guilty to disorderly conduct in a court room in Manhattan today and he and the judge had this little conversation:
“Are you pleading guilty because you are guilty?” Manhattan Criminal Court Judge Diana Boyar asked, a standard question in such pleas.
“Yes, your honor,” LaBeouf said.
He declined to comment as he left court encircled by news cameras.
Now that that’s done, will detectives and prosecutors please investigate, arrest and prosecute the little girl who loudly talked and kicked the back of my chair all through act 1 of The Little Mermaid on Broadway a few years ago? She is guilty of disorderly conduct and assault, and she ruined my entire night and mostly because every time she kicked the back of my chair, I realized that I paid actual money to see The Little Mermaid on Broadway. She repeatedly kicked the sad truth into me and it wasn’t fun.
I’m assuming that dude behind Shia isn’t Shia’s lawyer. If it was, the judge would’ve rejected the plea deal, thrown the case out and let Shia go without punishment, because you always side with the big guy in a tiny hat.