Wu-Tang affiliated rapper Christ Bearer (born name: Andre Johnson) became a walking anti-PCP billboard in April when he cut his dick off and jumped off of a balcony, because he was missing his daughters and started reading about vasectomies. A few weeks later, Christ Bearer claimed that doctors were able to re-attach his dick and I thought that would be the last we heard of his Franken-cock. But TMZ talked to a crazed Christ Bearer on the street in Long Beach, CA yesterday and he promises that his Franken-cock is back in working order and he’ll prove to everyone that it still has the ability to fuck by doing a porn. Christ Bearer needs to define the word “work,” because I watched the John Wayne Bobbitt porn and his stitched-together soggy Vienna sausage dick looked about as sad as a kid waiting for his parents in the pick-up area an hour after school let out. It hardly “worked.” TMZ asked Christ Bearer if his peen can still perform and he dribbled out this stream of ridiculousness:
Does it work?!? Can Chris Brown dance? Can Kanye West rant? Can Jay Z fight off a trick?
Christ Bearer also finally admitted that he wasn’t just under the influence of weed and sadness when he chopped his dick off. He was high on PCP. Desperate Lives, the piece of TV gold that taught me everything I know about PCP, taught me that if I snort that bad shit, I’ll throw myself out of a window like Helen Hunt and go “weee” when I drive my car off of a cliff, but it didn’t teach me that I’ll also take a knife to my peen. They should reboot Desperate Lives and include that very necessary piece of information.
Steve Hirsch of Vivid Entertainment is a lukewarm glob of smegma of an asshole who released a necrophilia porn (see: Farrah Abraham’s porn), so of course he’s interested in putting Christ Bearer in one of his movies. But Steve needs to make sure Christ Bearer’s down low parts work first.
Here’s Christ Bearer ranting to TMZ:
Dude is obviously still high on that PCP shit and having major hallucinations. Because he actually believes that people want to see his patch work dick. Who the hell wants to see Christ Bearer awkwardly shove his chewed-up, can’t-get-hard morning sausage dick into a trick’s vagina? Who wants to see that? Actually, I kind of want to see that. And yeah, I’d probably find a way to fap to that. Dignity is not something I know.
Last month, some of us hos who didn’t know who Christ Bearer was learned who Christ Bearer was when he fucked up his chances of ever getting grapefruited by cutting his peen off before jumping off of an apartment balcony in L.A. Christ Bearer (born name: Andre Johnson) is all healed now and he tells TMZ why he Lorena Bobbitt’d himself and his explanation makes about as much sense as cutting your dick off does. The only reasonable reason to take a butcher knife to your peen is if you just had bareback sex with Parasite Hilton. That’s not Christ Bearer’s reason.
Christ Bearer says that he was feeling extra low that night, because he couldn’t see his two daughters due to a restraining order that was placed against him by his estranged piece who’s also knocked up with his third kid. Christ Bearer says that he smoked some weed (and by “smoked some weed,” I’m guessing he means “smoked all the PCP“) and started reading about monks and vasectomies, which gave him ideas. Obviously, while reading about vasectomies, Christ Bearer didn’t read the definition of vasectomy, because he cut off his dick instead of cutting off his nuts. He didn’t say why he jumped off that balcony, but you know, jumping off of a balcony is kind of a natural reaction to realizing that you just cut off your dick.
The good news is that despite TMZ saying that doctors couldn’t re-attach his dick, Johnson’s got his johnson back. Plastic surgeon’s were able to sew his peen back on and yes, it hates him and will never forgive him for this, but it’s fully functional.
As for Christ Bearer’s mental state, he answered that question when TMZ asked him about his future with Wu-Tang and he said, “I am the fucking Wu Tang.” That answers that.
It’s a Good Friday GIFT!
In case you haven’t already printed these out and papered your bedroom ceiling with them like I’m doing, here’s Kenny Brain, former HSOTD and the bearded gay ginger model from Big Brother Canada, with his fire pubes and dick out. The pics are Grindr-style (aka headless) but the tattoos match and I want to believe that Kenny Brain’s got a dick that’ll make you call in sick to work and not care that you get fired. A dick that’ll make you hand over your debit card and password.
I am trying to ignore that crotch tattoo that looks like something you’d find on the pendant worn by a trust fund PR girl who thinks she’s spiritual and shit. And at this point you’re probably screaming at me to shut my goddamn fingers already and get to the dick, so if you’re in a place where big, beautiful dicks are frowned upon and are considered NSFW, then put this on before clicking HERE and HERE. I hope dudes flopping their soft dicks on the sink like it’s a sea cucumber becomes a new thing. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have more Kenny Brain dick pics to paste to my ceiling.
UPDATE: Thanks to everyone who told me Kenny Brain’s crotch tattoo means “big” in Chinese. No comment.
Here’s certified douche and The Slow One’s piece Lord Scott Isadick struttin’ his ass through a Rite Aid parking lot in Calabasas, CA yesterday and either he stuffed a Pez dispenser in his waistband or that’s the outline of the dick that co-made the next generation of Kardashians that Pimp Mama Kris will pimp out. Yes, that could be a stunt peen molded after Khloe Kardashian’s klit since I’d like to believe that his peen is usually hiding up in his ass crack out of shame for spawning with a Kardashian, but I doubt it. That’s his peen. And yes, yes I would. I would. Don’t make me say it in a regular font size. I can’t. It’s only Monday and I’ve already admitted that I would with a Kartrashian’s ho. It usually takes me until at least Monday afternoon to eat rock bottom. Well, I guess it’s never too early to admit that I don’t love myself and I didn’t come equipped with standards.
I have always said that what every morning show needs is more dick and someone in Denver heard my prayers. While reporting on the tragic helicopter crash in Seattle today, the morning crew at Denver’s Fox affiliate KDVR were scrolling through some pictures on Twitter together when they came across Edward Scissorhands and a semi-excited peen just hanging out of a pair of pants. It was like a scene straight out of the Good Morning, Thetans show on SCCN (Scientology Celebrity Centre Network). Three out of four of the anchors made an open-mouthed Oh face (Side note: I too open my mouth wide whenever I see a peen) and the dude scrolling through the pictures tried the “If I don’t acknowledge it, it didn’t happen” tactic. I really have dick on the brain all the time, because I thought that wart-covered peen was pretty damn thick until I realized I was looking at an omelette stuffed with spaghetti, or something. That’s what happens when you constantly look at life through dick-colored glasses.
Since YouTube is prejudiced against peen, they’ve been yanking down the clip left and right, but thanks to Buzzfeed, there’s a NSFW Vine of this priceless moment and it’s after the jump. WARNING: Dick and a hairless man crotch ahead. »
At the Producers Guild Awards in Beverly Hills last night, Chuck Lorre, the evil doer who’s responsible for torturing us with shit like Two and a Half Men, told the audience that at the Golden Globes last week he pissed next to Ben Affleck in the men’s bathroom and he can confirm that he looks at other dudes’ peens while he’s pissing next to them and Ben’s dick is big enough to fill Batman’s codpiece. E! News says that while accepting an award last night, Chuck Lorre still had Affdick on his mind:
“Yes I peeked. And yes, Comic Con, he can play Batman.”
At the end of the show, Ben went onstage to present Best Picture (it was a tie, Gravity and 12 Years A Slave both won) and he brought up the subject of his huge dick. Ben said that it’s true, his peen could probably come out on top in a tag team fight between the Hammaconda and the Fassdong.
“I want to thank someone tonight. Evidentially, I was in the bar briefly and I came back to my seat and someone said, ‘You know there was a guy on stage who said you have a big dick. I was like, ‘You know? Isn’t that always how it goes. The one time it happens, I miss it.’ Thank you very much. Whoever you are God bless you. I’m often confused with Matt Damon but rarely with Michael Fassbender, so it’s a nice change.”
Normally, I’d channel the spirit of Nippy by screaming, “SHOW ME THE RECEIPTS, DIANE,” but I sort of believe that Ben Affleck’s got a huge dick that could bust your sugar walls. It would explain why Blake NotSoLively talked like her jaw was broken in The Town. I know Blake’s always like that, but it was extra in The Town. And since Zack Snyder cast Ben Affleck as Batman, he obviously wants a Batman who is extra stiff and devoid of personality. What I’m saying is that Ben Affleck’s supposedly huge dick should play Batman instead.
Shia LaDouche said a while ago that Lars Von Trier cast him in the 4-hour-long CGI HIGH ART porn Nymphomaniac after he sent the director sex tapes of him wet humping on his then-girlfriend Karolyn Pho. Lars Von Trier is weird and he’s into some jacked-up shit, so Shia’s sex tape was gross enough for Lars to cast him. If any of us watched Shia’s sex tape, we’d have to consider our laptop tainted by a demon and we’d have to rid it from the earth by breaking it into hundreds of pieces with a hammer before burning the pieces and tossing the ashes in rushing water. Well, I’d fap to it first and then I’d do all that other stuff. But Shia was probably lying, because now he’s saying something totally different (which he probably made up too).
Shia says in a promo interview (you can watch that shit below if you want) released by the production company that when his people told producers that he was interested in doing Nymphomaniac, the producers asked his people to send a dick pic. Shia immediately sent one over:
“The first info we got — and I’ll never forget this because my entire team reacted with such fear — the first request from the production end, not Lars, was for pictures of my penis. Lars goes, ‘Send him the letter. The letter was, ‘Are you game?’ I guess the first test was, ‘Let’s time how long it takes this motherfucker to send his dick over the Internet.’ It was like 20 minutes; they were like, ‘All right, kid’s ready.’”
Since Shia is Shia and plagiarizes everything, he probably copy + pasted an important peen in history and sent that to Lars. On the first day of shooting when Shia took off his robe and showed off the peen that looks like a newborn naked mole rat with pink eye (we’ve all seen -NSFW- it), Lars probably thought to himself, “His dick looked so, so, so much bigger when Pamela Anderson’s face was next to it.”
My Bow makes my dick hard every time I smile…is that normal? pic.twitter.com/AI6k9TOGmu
— Idris Elba (@idriselba) January 5, 2014
Note: I didn’t want to use the gory picture that The Daily Mail used, because NO. Besides, a picture of a scared pussy perfectly expresses my feelings about this messy, tragic tale of lost peen.
26-year-old Yang Hu of Jiaxing, China had a seriously severe case of the sads about moving to a new city and not finding a special lady friend to give his heart and peen to. Yang Hu grew more and more depressed and he figured that since he didn’t have a love life, he really didn’t need a peen. Yang Hu took FOREVER ALONE to horrific levels a couple of days ago when he came home after work and decided that the only way he’ll stop thinking about getting a girlfriend is if he chops his dick off. So he chopped his peen off.
Right after Yang Hu became No Wang Yang by whacking his peen off, he realized an extremely important fact that most dudes probably realize when they whack their peens off: he had no dick. Yang Hu must’ve realized that you can use a peen for many other things (examples: fapping, pissing, drawing eyes on its head and making its slit talk to you when you’re really bored, etc…), because he regretted what he had one. Yang Hu quickly jumped on his bike and rode to the nearest hospital to get his peen re-attached. But he jumped on his bike a little too quickly, because he forgot to bring his peen with him. The hospital told him they needed his chopped-off peen in order to re-attach it to his body and those bitches made him ride his bike back to get it. Yang Hu jumped back on his back and while bleeding, rode back to his house, grabbed his dick and rode back to the hospital. When he got there, doctors told him that his peen had been without blood for too long and they couldn’t re-attach it.
Friends are blaming the hospital, because they say that if doctors sent an ambulance to get Yang Hu’s peen, they might’ve been able to re-attach it in time.
The hell kind of GD crazy, fucked-up doctor looks at a poor man who’s bleeding at the crotch, has no peen, is obviously suffering from a breakdown of some kind and says, “Sorry, no wang, no service!” Those bitches. Send an intern! Send a nurse! Send a helicopter! Send a paramedic! Send a KAYAK! Send anybody but the poor dude who’s bleeding from his crotch. This is like the worst Nurse Jackie episode of all-time.
And you know some motherfucker is reading this story and thinking to himself, “At least he didn’t have to log on the ACA website before going to the hospital.”
In his song with Kendrick Lamar “Give It 2 U,” Robin Thicke brags that he’s got a thick dick for you and in his video for “Blurred Lines,” a blonde model dances in front of a silver balloon sign that reads, “Robin Thicke Has A Big Dick.” That slut is subtle. Basically, Robin Thicke wants you to think that when he goes to a glory hole, he brings a hand saw with him to make the hole big enough to fit his triple X crotch salchicha and his peen is so large that it can shaftslam the Hammaconda without straining one vein. So because Robin Thicke is always bragging about how he has to sew together three Magnums to make a rubber that’s big enough for his obese dick, Glamour Magazine asked his wife Paula Patton if his his peen is as thick as his head:
GLAMOUR: You guys still seem very passionate. He did say in an interview that he turned you into a bad girl.
PAULA PATTON: He ruined me! Gosh, I hope I’m still a good girl and a bad girl at the same time. And I think that every girl should know the bad girl inside her—and that doesn’t make her bad, you know.
GLAMOUR: So in the “Blurred Lines” video, there’s that balloon message—“Robin Thicke has a big d-ck”…
PAULA PATTON: It’s cool, it’s funny, it’s awesome!
GLAMOUR: Yes, it’s definitely all of those things. But we have to ask: Is it accurate?
PAULA PATTON: Robin’s like, “Listen, if I’m, you know, in the Miami Heat’s locker room, I don’t know where I stand, but.…” But I think that the statement is fairly accurate!
So if he was in the Miami Heat locker room, size-wise, his dick would fall somewhere between a wordlock combination lock and a Sparkletts water jug. Okay. You know, I can’t believe I’m typing this and it hurts me as a shameless slut to type this, but I’m kind of sick of hearing about Robin Thicke’s gigantic peen. The words “Robin Thicke has a big dick” are meaningless without a Hi Res picture. It’s kind of like if you told me, “Michael, my kitten is so gorgeous,” without showing me a picture. For all I know, your kitten could be uglier than a pile of Crocs. So yeah, show it or shut it, Robin.
Robin Thicke’s dick is kind of like Miley’s tongue: I’m tired of it. Robin Thicke’s dick is also like Miley’s tongue, because if you want to lick it, you’d probably have to scrape layers of slimy ICK NAST off of it before doing so.