Future historians will mark today as the day the world was rid of all of the Beliebers because they all hit puberty before combusting after looking at naked pictures of their 21-year-old God.
Usher just put a “DO NOT DISTURB, FOR REAL” sign on his office door and locked that shit, because the NYDN threw up a bunch of censored pictures of Justin Bieber taking his Bel Ami twink body for a swim in Bora Bora. The Biebs is there with his newest piece, Jayde Pierce. If you really want to expose your eyes to those pics, the censored ones are here and the uncensored ones are here and here. Before you click, you better contact your local Catholic church and ask them to set a bowl of holy water aside for your, because you will want to dunk your whole face in afterward.
You know, the Little Biebs isn’t a taco, it’s more of a taquito. Why did I just type that? But really, I’m going to call Photoshop, because I refuse to believe that Justin Bieber’s crotch isn’t completely flat and smooth and doesn’t have the word Mattel tattooed into it.
The Hammaconda better bulk up by guzzling down gallons of Muscle Milk and Ensure, because there might be a dick that’s so big it can swallow the Hammaconda whole. (I’d pay good money to see that nature film.) Roberto Esquivel Cabrera is a 52-year-old man from Saltillo, Mexico and he recently cried to the Mexican media about how he’s got a 19-inch monster of a dick and it’s ruining his life. Roberto cried that his sex life is non-existent since chochas pass out whenever they see his party burrito peen and he lives on public assistance and scavenges for food, because he can’t work. Um, he should just throw a matted down toupee on his big dick’s head and enter it into the presidential election. It’s working out for fellow big dick Donald Trump.
Henry Cavill (yes, that’s Henry Cavill in the picture above and not the beefy beard baby of Jason Priestley and a plump Ball Park frank) pimped out that Man from U.N.C.L.E. movie in the September issue of Men’s Health UK and during the interview, he said the same thing every actor says: filming fuck scenes are the exact opposite of hot. Henry Cavill was in The Tudors, so he knows sex scenes and he says they’re uncomfortable and awkward. Well, if Henry’s trying to convince us that shooting sex scenes aren’t hot, he shouldn’t describe them so sexily. via UsWeekly
“You don’t think of sex scenes as showing your bum to the nation. It’s actually acutely uncomfortable being naked in a roomful of people. The very last thing it is is sexy. The actual physicality is very uncomfortable. All you’re doing is smacking your nuts against someone, and nothing is going in.”
Henry went on to talk about the time he got a boner while shooting a sex scene for The Tudors.
“It’s only happened to me once and it was very embarrassing. A girl had to be on top of me, she had spectacular breasts, and I hadn’t rearranged my—stuff into a harmless position. She’s basically rubbing herself all over me and, um, it got a bit hard. I had to apologize profusely afterward. It’s not great when you’re in a professional acting environment and somebody gets a boner, is it? No, not acceptable.”
There’s only one way to solve this. Henry should only do sex scenes with me. I can’t act, but I guarantee he wouldn’t have to apologize if he got a hard-on. But then again, he wouldn’t get a hard-on since his dick would shrivel up and scurry backwards up into his crotch as soon as I took my clothes off.
So let’s see, bare asses out, smacking nuts, hard dicks, spectacular breasts flopping around and bodies rubbing up against each other. Sounds pretty damn sexy to me. But seriously, Henry should record everything he said about sex scenes in a deep, deep, slow voice while smooth jazz music played in the background. And if he could throw in a few groans and a couple of “yeah, that’s it” in there, that’d be great!
Lenny Kravitz’s soft pierced peen flopped onto the face of the Internet yesterday and for us celebrity dick aficionados, it was an encore performance since we’ve seen it before. But for some, it was the first time Lenny’s flaccid dick has hit their eyes and Steven Tyler is included in that “some.” Lenny’s only response to his dick breaking out of its suffocating leather cocoon (more like “cockoon“) is a tweet that includes a text message from Steven Tyler, the gorgeous being whom Janice Dickinson has spent thousands of dollars on plastic surgery to look like.
Steven likes what Lenny’s crotch has to offer and wondered why he’s never seen it before. It’s a good question, because what’s the point of being Lenny Kravitz’s friend if he’s never shown you his dick? Steven definitely got the moists and clutched one of his 12 bead necklaces while watching Lenny’s peen free fall out of those torn pants:
— Lenny Kravitz (@LennyKravitz) August 4, 2015
I know what Steven meant by “fuck me,” but I still got the image of him rubbing his backdoor donut hole all over that picture of Lenny’s down low goods.
Some thought that silver thing decorating Lenny’s part was a cock ring, but it’s a piercing and he’s talked about it before. Lenny has kept it in, because it’s like a door knocker on the gates of heaven that keeps them cumming.
“I’ve never taken it out. It’s a hoop about the size of a quarter. It hits the lady where she likes it and, because it swings, it can be effective in any position.”
And if you haven’t seen and fapped to it already, after the cut is a mesmerizing GIF of Lenny’s peen slip courtesy of Jezebel. It looks like his crotch is barfing up dick and I just noticed that a red handkerchief may be hanging out of his left pocket. Cock piercing and a fist fucker? Kinky bitch.
Sweden is giving us all the gifts today. They gave us Alexander Skarsgard in glorious drag and now they’re giving us Lenny Kravitz’s dick. May Sweden bless us all the way by making it rain Absolut Vodka on all of us.
While performing at the Gröna Lund theme park in Stockholm on Monday, Lenny Kravitz got so into it that when he squatted down, his leather pants tore open and out flopped his soft dick. Surprisingly, after noticing that his dick was open to audience, Lenny didn’t hand his guitar over to his peen and let it play while he went to fetch some new pants. Lenny left the stage for a minute to change.
Oh, thank you to whoever decided that us humans should have knees which give us the ability to squat. Thank you to Lenny’s stylist for giving him too-tight leather pants. Thank you to the makers of those leather pants for not making them indestructible. Thank you to them all.
Us perverted whores who have a file on our desktop marked “celeb noodz,” know what Lenny’s pierced goods look like since he’s (NSFW) posed nude before, but why not catch up with his peen again. After the cut is a NSFW picture of Lenny’s dick saying hello to the crowd (just ignore the angry bunny face he’s making):
Last night, while watching Queens of Drama (aka the fake reality show starring Donna Mills that is watched by a grand total of 1 person), I began to get the puckers and that could only mean one thing: Celeb dick on the Internet! I answered the Peen Call and as I scrolled through Twitter, I saw tweet after tweet about how LeBron James’ dick guest starred on something called Game 4 of something called the NBA Finals.
Just before the game between the Warriors and the Cavaliers started, the camera caught a blurry piece of LeBron’s LePeen as he adjusted himself. The way hos were going on about it, I expected to see LeBron’s dick flop out of his shorts, grab the ball and make a 12 point dunk. (I don’t know exactly what a 12 point dunk is. I’m sure I learned that lingo while watching Eddie.) But while watching the peen slip, I nearly had to glue my eyeballs to the screen of my phone to see it.
Even though the cameraperson quickly put on a Travolta lens and zoomed all the way up in there like they were shooting an ocean documentary and trying to catch a rare eel slithering under some coral, it was still hard to see. Here’s the blink and you’ll miss it moment:
Thankfully, Deadspin cares about athlete dick, so they got a slightly NSFW screen shot of the soft Pirouette cookie in LeBron’s chonies:
I really really hate to be the person to deliver such tragic news, but after lighting several Our Lady of Sorrows candles and spending a good 10 minutes weeping on the floor of my shower, I think I’m finally ready. Page Six says that Jon Hamm, seen above looking like a rode hard put away boozy Don Draper (that I so would, even though he probably smells like Lucky Strikes and ass), had to turn down the role of Nick Dunne in Gone Girl because it would have made things messy for Mad Men’s shooting schedule.
A source claims Jon is not happy with Mad Men creator Matthew Weiner for refusing to let him out of his Mad Men contract so he could go play Amazing Amy’s shady shitbag husband. And I’m not happy that Matthew Weiner’s decision effectively killed any chance that our eyeballs might catch a glimpse of The Hammaconda slithering into the shower. The role and subsequent sidepeen shower scene of course went to Ben Affleck.
Dear Matthew Weiner: On behalf of penis enthusiasts everywhere, I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU. Aw, I’m sorry – I don’t mean that. You’ve given me so much joy (read: Don Draper saying “I love puppies” and Pete Campbell falling down the stairs), and a contract is a contract, so I can’t hate you for keeping Jon Hamm and his magnificent dick on set. But I am still very pissed that you took priceless spank bank material from the horny fappers and tappers of this world.
Here’s the first round draft pick for Nick Dunne walking through LAX last Friday:
I stamped the “Fuck That Shit” label on the Fifty Shades of Grey movie last November when Jamie Dornan said they couldn’t go too far and so he had to keep his todger and nuts wrapped up in a crotch bag. How the hell are you going to do a movie that’s mostly about boning and geared toward horny middle-aged moms and hard-up gays (see: me) and not show any dick? That’s some Spice Channel shit. When I was a teenager, my friend said that her parent’s never checked their cable bill so we ordered a Spice Channel porn. While watching that porn, we pretty much screamed for her parent’s money back, because they didn’t show any dick! None. That was a tragic day in my teenhood.
But Jamie wasn’t totally telling the truth. Fifty Shrugs of Meh opened at midnight (it’s already made $8.6 million from midnight screenings alone) and clips of Christian Grey’s bits have already squirted up on the Internet. MNPP posted two GIFs, one of which is a hint of Christian Grey’s peen and wild crotch bush. Yes, I already know there’s a picture of Jamie’s peen all over the Internet, but that pic is old and when you’re a desperate, pathetic, dick-hungry wreck like me, you take what you can get. So after the cut are NSFWish GIFs of Christian Grey’s sausage trunk and ass. Yes, this is what it’s come to:
You have really have to give it to designer Rick Owens. Bitch is topical! With the media going on and on about that deflated ball scandal, he knew it was the perfect time to send nutsacks down the runway in his Fall/Winter 2015 show.
The dicks and huevos of many male models played a game of peek-a-boo (more like “peen-a-boo”) today in Paris when they sashayed down the runway wearing man dresses and clothes with a built-in peen window. Every creepy old neighborhood man who regularly walks around his front yard in a shorty robe just said to himself, “Pfft, been working that look for years!” The Scientologists said the same thing, because I’m sure this is exactly what their ceremonial gowns look like.
I’m not one to look a gift dick in the mouth (actually, I am, but you know what I mean) and I’ve always said the more peens the better, but I have two complaints about this. 1. Rick Owens should’ve cast David Gandy in this show. 2. I get that Rick Owens’ entire aesthetic is post-apocalyptic sad Goth, but those peens needed just a touch of glamour. They look scared and shy, like they’re singing “Asleep” by The Smiths to themselves. Rick Owens should’ve beaded the edge of their turtlenecks or threw some glitter on them. Tjuz that dick up a bit.
The Cisco Adler-approved pics are NSFW (duh) so they’re after the cut. Kanye West is probably ordering every look from this collection. I don’t know why, though, because he is a giant dick so every outfit he wears is a dick-flashing outfit.
Movie theater owners all shat up a “PHEW!” last November when Jamie Dornan said that his todger would not be making a cameo in Fifty Shades Of Shit. They were relieved because the sight of Jamie Dornan’s soft uncut dick swinging back and forth on the big screen like a butterfly trying to get out of its cocoon would make every horny, middle-aged mom scoot her twat along her seat, and everything would have to be reupholstered. Jamie’s dick not making an appearance in Fifty Shades is bad news for us, but good news for theater owners. Jamie continued to talk about his peen in the new issue British GQ (via Lainey Gossip).
While talking about shooting sex scenes, Jamie says that his down low parts were tucked into one of those peen socks:
“Your dignity is intact as much as it’s all tucked away in a little flesh-coloured bag… As a guy you put all your essentials in a little bag and you tie it up like a little bag of grapes and it’s tucked away. Its quite a peculiar thing to do every day.”
Jamie also got into how he learned that the S&M life isn’t all darkness and seriousness:
“In the course of researching this character, I have seen the reality very closely. I can tell you from an alarmingly first-hand perspective it’s not altogether sexy. But I’ve been in a dungeon with a lukewarm beer while a dominant has had some fun with his submissive and it was very playful and jovial and not at all dark and serious. There was a lot of laughter…”
It’s funny he should say that, because I’m sure many of us are going to throw up an ocean of HAHAHAs while watching his S&M scenes in Fifty Shades. But back to his peen and huevos….
So is he saying that when he put his parts in a “little bag,” it looked like a sack full of grapes? I need a visual. This is the best picture I could find of grapes in a little bag.
Hmmm. Yeah, I’ll still find a way to fap to that.
If you hear on the news later that a desperate, deranged, slobbering skinny fat gay was arrested at a Trader Joe’s in California after he was caught rubbing his bare ass all over the little bags of grapes in the produce section, print out this post and give it to my court-appointed attorney. It may help my insanity defense.