I really really hate to be the person to deliver such tragic news, but after lighting several Our Lady of Sorrows candles and spending a good 10 minutes weeping on the floor of my shower, I think I’m finally ready. Page Six says that Jon Hamm, seen above looking like a rode hard put away boozy Don Draper (that I so would, even though he probably smells like Lucky Strikes and ass), had to turn down the role of Nick Dunne in Gone Girl because it would have made things messy for Mad Men’s shooting schedule.
A source claims Jon is not happy with Mad Men creator Matthew Weiner for refusing to let him out of his Mad Men contract so he could go play Amazing Amy’s shady shitbag husband. And I’m not happy that Matthew Weiner’s decision effectively killed any chance that our eyeballs might catch a glimpse of The Hammaconda slithering into the shower. The role and subsequent sidepeen shower scene of course went to Ben Affleck.
Dear Matthew Weiner: On behalf of penis enthusiasts everywhere, I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU. Aw, I’m sorry – I don’t mean that. You’ve given me so much joy (read: Don Draper saying “I love puppies” and Pete Campbell falling down the stairs), and a contract is a contract, so I can’t hate you for keeping Jon Hamm and his magnificent dick on set. But I am still very pissed that you took priceless spank bank material from the horny fappers and tappers of this world.
Here’s the first round draft pick for Nick Dunne walking through LAX last Friday:
I stamped the “Fuck That Shit” label on the Fifty Shades of Grey movie last November when Jamie Dornan said they couldn’t go too far and so he had to keep his todger and nuts wrapped up in a crotch bag. How the hell are you going to do a movie that’s mostly about boning and geared toward horny middle-aged moms and hard-up gays (see: me) and not show any dick? That’s some Spice Channel shit. When I was a teenager, my friend said that her parent’s never checked their cable bill so we ordered a Spice Channel porn. While watching that porn, we pretty much screamed for her parent’s money back, because they didn’t show any dick! None. That was a tragic day in my teenhood.
But Jamie wasn’t totally telling the truth. Fifty Shrugs of Meh opened at midnight (it’s already made $8.6 million from midnight screenings alone) and clips of Christian Grey’s bits have already squirted up on the Internet. MNPP posted two GIFs, one of which is a hint of Christian Grey’s peen and wild crotch bush. Yes, I already know there’s a picture of Jamie’s peen all over the Internet, but that pic is old and when you’re a desperate, pathetic, dick-hungry wreck like me, you take what you can get. So after the cut are NSFWish GIFs of Christian Grey’s sausage trunk and ass. Yes, this is what it’s come to:
You have really have to give it to designer Rick Owens. Bitch is topical! With the media going on and on about that deflated ball scandal, he knew it was the perfect time to send nutsacks down the runway in his Fall/Winter 2015 show.
The dicks and huevos of many male models played a game of peek-a-boo (more like “peen-a-boo”) today in Paris when they sashayed down the runway wearing man dresses and clothes with a built-in peen window. Every creepy old neighborhood man who regularly walks around his front yard in a shorty robe just said to himself, “Pfft, been working that look for years!” The Scientologists said the same thing, because I’m sure this is exactly what their ceremonial gowns look like.
I’m not one to look a gift dick in the mouth (actually, I am, but you know what I mean) and I’ve always said the more peens the better, but I have two complaints about this. 1. Rick Owens should’ve cast David Gandy in this show. 2. I get that Rick Owens’ entire aesthetic is post-apocalyptic sad Goth, but those peens needed just a touch of glamour. They look scared and shy, like they’re singing “Asleep” by The Smiths to themselves. Rick Owens should’ve beaded the edge of their turtlenecks or threw some glitter on them. Tjuz that dick up a bit.
The Cisco Adler-approved pics are NSFW (duh) so they’re after the cut. Kanye West is probably ordering every look from this collection. I don’t know why, though, because he is a giant dick so every outfit he wears is a dick-flashing outfit.
Movie theater owners all shat up a “PHEW!” last November when Jamie Dornan said that his todger would not be making a cameo in Fifty Shades Of Shit. They were relieved because the sight of Jamie Dornan’s soft uncut dick swinging back and forth on the big screen like a butterfly trying to get out of its cocoon would make every horny, middle-aged mom scoot her twat along her seat, and everything would have to be reupholstered. Jamie’s dick not making an appearance in Fifty Shades is bad news for us, but good news for theater owners. Jamie continued to talk about his peen in the new issue British GQ (via Lainey Gossip).
While talking about shooting sex scenes, Jamie says that his down low parts were tucked into one of those peen socks:
“Your dignity is intact as much as it’s all tucked away in a little flesh-coloured bag… As a guy you put all your essentials in a little bag and you tie it up like a little bag of grapes and it’s tucked away. Its quite a peculiar thing to do every day.”
Jamie also got into how he learned that the S&M life isn’t all darkness and seriousness:
“In the course of researching this character, I have seen the reality very closely. I can tell you from an alarmingly first-hand perspective it’s not altogether sexy. But I’ve been in a dungeon with a lukewarm beer while a dominant has had some fun with his submissive and it was very playful and jovial and not at all dark and serious. There was a lot of laughter…”
It’s funny he should say that, because I’m sure many of us are going to throw up an ocean of HAHAHAs while watching his S&M scenes in Fifty Shades. But back to his peen and huevos….
So is he saying that when he put his parts in a “little bag,” it looked like a sack full of grapes? I need a visual. This is the best picture I could find of grapes in a little bag.
Hmmm. Yeah, I’ll still find a way to fap to that.
If you hear on the news later that a desperate, deranged, slobbering skinny fat gay was arrested at a Trader Joe’s in California after he was caught rubbing his bare ass all over the little bags of grapes in the produce section, print out this post and give it to my court-appointed attorney. It may help my insanity defense.
For years, “The Release Of Usher’s Fuck Tape” has been under “Lindsay Lohan’s Comeback” on the list of things we keep being told are going to happen and never happen.
Three years ago, it was reported that in 2010, Usher made the genius move of leaving $1 million worth of jewelry and two laptops in the trunk one of his cars. Someone broke into the trunk of his car and stole everything including a laptop which had a sex tape he made with his then wife Tameka Foster on it. Someone tried selling the tape right after it was stolen, but nobody wanted to buy it. Last month, TMZ said that someone once again tried to get money for the tape, but instead of going to the porn companies they went to the blogs. Usher’s lawyer Mark Geragos has been trying to track down the trick who’s been peddling the sex tape.
Well, two days ago on the night before Jesus’ born day, two grainy ass screen shots that were supposedly from the sex tape (NSFW) made their way onto the Internet. The saying “You are the company you keep” is so right because on Christmas Day my Twitter timeline was full of dick-crazed whores going on and on about Usher’s peen. The screen shots are so damn grainy and the lighting is so bad that it could be Nipsey Russell nibbling on a chorizo for all we know.
Usher hasn’t said anything about the leak yet.
It’s also kind of hard to tell if it really is Usher’s dick. I mean, is it really Usher’s dick if Justin Bieber’s ass isn’t wrapped around it? That is the question.
Pic: Men’s Health
Yesterday, an email dropped into my inbox with the subject “KFed’s dick!” and I clicked on that shit like the year was 2003 and I had a brand new bottle of Cheetos-scented lube next to me. I didn’t care if it was KFed’s dick during his PopoZao phase or KFed’s dick today, because I’m thirstier than Kristin Scott Thomas when she was dying in that cave in The English Patient.
But then I clicked on the link and the truth dick-slapped me right in the face. It totally wasn’t KFed’s salchicha, because the peen was completely queso-free and the bed sheets in the picture were way too clean and not covered in Doritos crumbs, In-N-Out wrappers and stains that may or may not be from Taco Bell refried beans. Not KFed!
The real life inspiration for Sweet Dee’s mentally challenged rapper piece tells TMZ that he’s seen the picture making the rounds and the beef wellington peen in the picture doesn’t belong to him. KFed’s crotch tattoos aren’t in the picture and his peen is way bigger. So he says. Yeah, you could make a joke about how it must be huge if KFed can see it past his FUPA, but I’ve always thought he had a Pringle can dick. Brit Brit was obviously dickmatized and he didn’t get “PopoZao” from the Brazilians. It’s what Brit Brit screamed the first time he stuck the tip in.
Anyway, I’ll stop with the words now and get to the dick. If you haven’t already seen Not KFed’s dick, click here to see. I’d hit it, whoever that is.
Games of Thrones is filled more tits than Hugh Hefner’s prune mouth during a conveyor belt orgy and many fans (and hos like me who don’t watch all the time but would if it was peen-ier) have screamed for less rape and MOAR DIK! Seen above throwing a face that says, “My lady nipples are on strike until GoT gets more peen,” Natalie Dormer tells The Daily Beast that GoT could definitely use several more servings of man salchicha. The Daily Beast brought up the “Show Us Dem Titties” mandate that HBO apparently has and asked Natalie Dormer if she thinks GoT should throw a bone (or several) at the peen lovers who watch the show. The Bitchy Resting Face Duchess said this about shoving more dick into GoT:
“Well, during the first season Alfie, Richard, and several of the men got naked—although not all the way. I suppose it’s just the rules of broadcast television, isn’t it? I think Thrones has been better than your average show with the equality, but they could definitely ramp it up! Absolutely.”
Here! Here! Fill that show with more dicks of all shapes, sizes and colors. Just none of that fake prosthetic shit like the crap Hodor wore. That thing looked like a cross between an uncooked turkey sausage and the arm of a pantyhose doll.
To quote a power bottom at an orgy when two tops ask if him if he can handle a DP, “You can never have TOO many dicks.” So GoT should just shove all the dicks in there and they should even recast some of the roles with peens. What I mean by that is that the Hammaconda should totally play one of the dragons.
Why do I have a feeling that minutes before that picture was taken, Niecy Nash “kept her husband happy” in the car and she’s still got a souvenir in her mouth?
I knew Niecy Nash was in Getting On, Reno 911, Clean House, The Soul Man, Hair Show and Cookie’s Fortune, but I had no idea she had a PhD in couples therapy. I mean, that’s why someone gave her money to write a book about marriage and relationships, right? Niecy has a book out called It’s Hard To Fight Naked and while talking about it with Playboy, she said that men are simpletons who are happy as long as they have a hot meal in their mouth and a hot mouth on their dick.
Dr. Niecy, who definitely has a masters in blow jobs, basically admitted to giving her second husband of 3 years a beej every day and says that the glue that holds a marriage together is the cum you suck out of your man’s dick. And suddenly, Niecy’s Getting On co-stars now know why her breath always smells like goat milk and chlorine.
What I say in the book is, “A BJ a day keeps the divorce attorney away” and I say that because I feel like men are profoundly simplistic, which is the reason I wanted to call my book what I used as the title of chapter three, which is, “Stomach Full, Penis Empty: A Woman’s Guide to a Happy Marriage.” Keeping him fed and drained, you have no problem. We are really more complicated than they are and I think that women are more generous with oral sex because we nurture by nature. We want to be pleasing by nature, that’s in our DNA, so I think that a lot of the behavior we’re looking for sexually, you might have to educate your partner. Sometimes, men just assume they’re going to get it and you need to be like, “Give me mine. Ladies first.”
Stomach Full, Penis Empty?! I’m going to need Niecy to explain that one to me. Does she mean that wives should suck their husbands off while feeding him fettuccine alfredo? Or does she mean that wives should swallow? Or does she mean that snowballing is the secret to a long-lasting marriage? I’m going to go with the last one, so open up and say aaaaah, husbands.
The anti-Peg Bundy also says that getting her uterus taken out was the greatest thing she’s ever done, because now she and her husband can screw without worrying about making babies. I guess Niecy doesn’t know about condoms or birth control, but in her defense, she doesn’t have time to research such things since she’s always gargling peen and making dinner.
And somewhere in the Scientology Centre, John Travolta has taken off his wig and is slow clapping for Niecy, because he has always told Kelly Preston that the key to a successful marriage is sucking dick every day.
Esteemed scientist and voice of reason Jenny McCarthy once said that when she first hung out with Donnie Wahlberg she thought he was gay because he didn’t try to bone her right away. Donnie didn’t wet hump her right away because he wanted to get up to date on his shots, obviously. But when they finally did sex, she was so hypnotized by the beauty of his beautiful beautiful dick. On Watch What Happens Live (via E!) last night, a “caller” called in to ask the question we all ask ourselves before we go to sleep and when we wake up in the morning: “How has sex changed with Donnie?” Before we get into the answer that Jenny burped up, you know the “caller” was calling from the green room, because it was Jenny’s assistant who was forced to ask this question, because she wanted to let everyone know that she and Donnie’s fuck time fun is so powerful and amazing that it can cure autism.
Jenny used the question to tell us how beautiful Donnie’s dick is:
“Without a doubt, it gets better every single time I make love to him. First of all, he has the most beautiful penis I’ve ever seen in my life. But you know what it is, he knows how to [use it],”
Fellow guest Tom Bergeron needed a better visual, so he asked Jenny what she means by “beautiful” and she continued to spit up more TMIness:
“Sometimes they’re deformed-looking and sometimes they’re a different color that you’re not used to. Some are, like, purple. Some are pink. The size is perfect. I can’t get too descriptive. But, you know what I mean! It fits my vagina perfectly and hits the spots right. But the thing about it is…he makes love to a woman.”
So many “battering ram down a hallway” jokes, so little time.
But really, deformed dicks? The hell kind of CDC hall of fame dick has she had? I wonder if the peens were deformed before or after sexing Jenny? If they looked like that after, she can’t blame them. They obviously got deformed and sick-looking because they caught whooping cough and the mumps from her chocha.
Thanks to some of you and details articles giving me exact instructions, I knew exactly when the true star of Gone Girl (next to the indifferent ginger cat) would make an appearance and a few minutes before it did, I Gorilla Glue’d my eyelids to my eyebrows, pulled out a pair of high-powered binoculars and went bird watching. I thought that I spotted a note that read, “You’re welcome. Love, Jennifer Garner,” tattooed onto the side of Ben’s peen trunk and now I know I really did see that note. While on Ellen to whore out her new movie Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day, she told Ellen DeGeneres that she is a charitable soul who wanted to give the world the gift of her husband’s dick. Jennifer Garner really IS the nicest woman in Hollywood. What other Hollywood wife would say, “um, you’re welcome,” to the side trick who calls her to brag about how they had her husband’s dick? At around the 0:56 mark in the video below, Jennifer sends all of us a Mylar balloon with the words “You’re welcum, whores” scribbled on it:
If you’re too lazy to hit the play button and move your mouse to the 0:56 mark, here’s what she said in text form:
JG: What I have to say is: You’re welcome. I try to consider myself a charitable person and I wanted to give back. You give me so much. I wanted to give something back to all of you.
ED: Forgive me if I don’t know this, is this the first time he’s been frontal nude in a film?
JG: Outside of our very racy films? Um, yes.
ED: Was he nervous about it? Were you nervous about it? Did you talk about it?
JG: It was a discussion. It was like, “Hey at work today Fincher talked me into coming out of the shower.” I was like, “Oh cool. I hope he had on a wide lens.“
I’m not one to look a gift colt in the mouth – I know the saying is “gift horse” but I can’t really say that here. I mean, it could grow into a gift horse. Anyway, I’m not one to look a gift colt in the mouth, but Jennifer Garner’s “gift” was a half order and some of us were expecting a full order. What I mean by that is that (PEEN SPOILER ALERT) Ben gives us a quick side profile of his soft Affdick and what are we supposed to do with a side profile? Sketch it and then have that drawing turned into a cameo necklace? Actually, that’s not a bad idea.