And I still write about Joe Jonas talking about his dick because dick.
Seen above demonstrating my favorite way to pop pimples, Joe Jonas did a Reddit Ask Me Anything (via Vulture) yesterday and he spilled out the name of who fucked his purity ring off and also said the same thing he said to Andy Cohen last July: he’d like to believe he’s got the biggest dick out of all his brothers. You know, these Jonas Brothers keep pandering to us peen lovers by talking about which one of them has got the biggest dick. They need to settle this already in an HD pay-per-view dick measuring event. I volunteer to be the ruler. In the meantime, after the cut are the answers that Joe dribbled out when asked about his peen, his brother’s nipples, his man crushes and more.
The Chainsmokers are an EDM duo and yes, in their case, EDM stands for Extremely Douchey Messes. They currently have the #1 song in the country “Closer” (featuring Halsey) and so Billboard (via Vulture) did a cover story on them. If you or someone you know happens to be suffering from cooch or b-hole odor, just rub your stinky parts all over The Chainsmokers’ Billboard interview and it’ll come out smelling like a fresh Summer’s Eve.
The Chainsmokers (I’m surprised they didn’t call themselves The Chainvapers) are made up of Alex Pall (on the left) and Drew Taggart, and together they have the modesty of Miles Teller and the humbleness of Kanye West. They brag about how they’ve always been hard-up horny all the time, how they’ve earned all the gold stars in boozing and how when their dick tips touch, it becomes a 17.34 inch long centipeen. They’re both like a charisma-less Chad Radwell from Scream Queens on Bod Man-scented roids. I think I’m in love.
Good celebrity peen pics are about as rare as a day that doesn’t end with you weeping at the bottom of a hot shower while clutching a vino sippy cup full of Barefoot white zin. (What? Just me?) So many of us peen pic dilettantes (yes, I have a Word of the Day calendar) appreciated when Orlando Bloom made the brave decision to go naked paddle boarding and risk a sea creature trying to get at his dangling dick after mistaking it for a marine spoon worm. But there’s one person who thinks that Orlando made a stupid decision and that someone is his ex-wife/mother of his kid, Miranda Kerr. Put your kewpie doll lips together, Miranda, and keep them shut! Nobody asked you for your opinion! Okay, actually someone did ask.
Since I am committed to bringing you all the most important and newsworthy events from the Olympics in Rio (see: Butt Fuchs, the lubed-up flag-bearer from Tonga, the Prance, Prance, Baby horsey, etc…), here’s Japanese pole vaulter Hiroki Ogita breaking 3 things in 1 second: his dick, his Olympic medal dreams and the whole “Asian peen” stereotype.
I always pray for the internet to deliver some pole-on-pole action, but this is not what I had in mind. I want video of Idris Elba and Jon Hamm sword fighting, not owww-inducing video of a pole vaulter getting cock blocked from an Olympic medal by his own cock. But I’ll take it. HuffPo says on Saturday, 28-year-old Hiroki Ogita got knocked out of a qualifying round after his peen fucked him over by slapping the pole. That’s one way to get an Olympdick at the Olympics. The truth is, I’ve watched this video at least 5,678,984 times since yesterday (because peen) and it looks more like his legs grazed the pole, but who really cares about dumb details when there are dick jokes to make!
Hiroki shouldn’t feel embarrassed at all. I mean, who hasn’t lost out on an Olympic medal after their genitals hit the pole in front of zillions of people? Yeah, that really didn’t work since only Hiroki has. Thankfully, Hiroki was fine and his peen didn’t need any medical attention. Although, it probably felt pain and sadness on the inside when Hiroki yelled at it for messing with his game.
The eyes of the internet have barely wiped the jizz from their eyes after seeing pictures of Orlando Bloom feeding his uncut dick some Vitamin D while naked paddle boarding with Katy Perry in Italy, and now we’ve got new pictures of Justin Bieber skinny dipping in Hawaii. The New York Daily News were the first ones to bring on the boners with those Orlando pics, and they’re also the ones who posted the Bieber ones. They need to go ahead and change their name from The New York Daily News to The Nudey Dickly News. And yes, I’d be their most loyal subscriber if they did that.
In case you couldn’t tell from the screams of the internet asking for Detective La Toya to please join forces with Detective Courtney Love to track down Orlando Bloom’s raw naked pics, the New York Daily News posted a gallery of exclusive pictures starring Katy Perry and her dick-out naked piece. But well, the NYDN threatened all of us with a good time, because they put a dreaded censor box of doom over Orlando’s peen in ALL of the pics. We’ve all been cock blocked by a black box.
Katy and Orlando are on vacation in Sardinia, Italy, and for some reason, he decided to strip down to nothing and paddleboard. I don’t know why you would want to paddleboard naked, but I’m not complaining. Get all Hedonism II in that bitch, Orly! Living the life IS sitting comfortably on your chariot as a naked Legolas paddles you around.
— NY Daily News Gossip (@NYDNgossip) August 3, 2016
If it was Jon Hamm in those pics, he wouldn’t need that paddle. The Hammaconda would steer them safely to land while fighting off any sharks that circle around them.
You can click here to see all of the censored pics if you want to. Thankfully there’s people on Twitter who are as hard-up as we are, because they’ve pointed out that you can see the shadow of what may be Orlando’s peen (but it could be his arm) in one pic. I hope Orlando’s peen didn’t see its own shadow because that would mean six more weeks without seeing the uncensored pics.
UPDATE: I guess Orlando’s peen didn’t see its own shadow, because Orlando’s bare peen has leaked on is all over Tumblr, and your eyes can get it (NSFW, duh) here.