Note: I didn’t want to use the gory picture that The Daily Mail used, because NO. Besides, a picture of a scared pussy perfectly expresses my feelings about this messy, tragic tale of lost peen.
26-year-old Yang Hu of Jiaxing, China had a seriously severe case of the sads about moving to a new city and not finding a special lady friend to give his heart and peen to. Yang Hu grew more and more depressed and he figured that since he didn’t have a love life, he really didn’t need a peen. Yang Hu took FOREVER ALONE to horrific levels a couple of days ago when he came home after work and decided that the only way he’ll stop thinking about getting a girlfriend is if he chops his dick off. So he chopped his peen off.
Right after Yang Hu became No Wang Yang by whacking his peen off, he realized an extremely important fact that most dudes probably realize when they whack their peens off: he had no dick. Yang Hu must’ve realized that you can use a peen for many other things (examples: fapping, pissing, drawing eyes on its head and making its slit talk to you when you’re really bored, etc…), because he regretted what he had one. Yang Hu quickly jumped on his bike and rode to the nearest hospital to get his peen re-attached. But he jumped on his bike a little too quickly, because he forgot to bring his peen with him. The hospital told him they needed his chopped-off peen in order to re-attach it to his body and those bitches made him ride his bike back to get it. Yang Hu jumped back on his back and while bleeding, rode back to his house, grabbed his dick and rode back to the hospital. When he got there, doctors told him that his peen had been without blood for too long and they couldn’t re-attach it.
Friends are blaming the hospital, because they say that if doctors sent an ambulance to get Yang Hu’s peen, they might’ve been able to re-attach it in time.
The hell kind of GD crazy, fucked-up doctor looks at a poor man who’s bleeding at the crotch, has no peen, is obviously suffering from a breakdown of some kind and says, “Sorry, no wang, no service!” Those bitches. Send an intern! Send a nurse! Send a helicopter! Send a paramedic! Send a KAYAK! Send anybody but the poor dude who’s bleeding from his crotch. This is like the worst Nurse Jackie episode of all-time.
And you know some motherfucker is reading this story and thinking to himself, “At least he didn’t have to log on the ACA website before going to the hospital.”
In his song with Kendrick Lamar “Give It 2 U,” Robin Thicke brags that he’s got a thick dick for you and in his video for “Blurred Lines,” a blonde model dances in front of a silver balloon sign that reads, “Robin Thicke Has A Big Dick.” That slut is subtle. Basically, Robin Thicke wants you to think that when he goes to a glory hole, he brings a hand saw with him to make the hole big enough to fit his triple X crotch salchicha and his peen is so large that it can shaftslam the Hammaconda without straining one vein. So because Robin Thicke is always bragging about how he has to sew together three Magnums to make a rubber that’s big enough for his obese dick, Glamour Magazine asked his wife Paula Patton if his his peen is as thick as his head:
GLAMOUR: You guys still seem very passionate. He did say in an interview that he turned you into a bad girl.
PAULA PATTON: He ruined me! Gosh, I hope I’m still a good girl and a bad girl at the same time. And I think that every girl should know the bad girl inside her—and that doesn’t make her bad, you know.
GLAMOUR: So in the “Blurred Lines” video, there’s that balloon message—“Robin Thicke has a big d-ck”…
PAULA PATTON: It’s cool, it’s funny, it’s awesome!
GLAMOUR: Yes, it’s definitely all of those things. But we have to ask: Is it accurate?
PAULA PATTON: Robin’s like, “Listen, if I’m, you know, in the Miami Heat’s locker room, I don’t know where I stand, but.…” But I think that the statement is fairly accurate!
So if he was in the Miami Heat locker room, size-wise, his dick would fall somewhere between a wordlock combination lock and a Sparkletts water jug. Okay. You know, I can’t believe I’m typing this and it hurts me as a shameless slut to type this, but I’m kind of sick of hearing about Robin Thicke’s gigantic peen. The words “Robin Thicke has a big dick” are meaningless without a Hi Res picture. It’s kind of like if you told me, “Michael, my kitten is so gorgeous,” without showing me a picture. For all I know, your kitten could be uglier than a pile of Crocs. So yeah, show it or shut it, Robin.
Robin Thicke’s dick is kind of like Miley’s tongue: I’m tired of it. Robin Thicke’s dick is also like Miley’s tongue, because if you want to lick it, you’d probably have to scrape layers of slimy ICK NAST off of it before doing so.
A room service attendant and guests at a hotel in Detroit witnessed what I’m sure hundreds have already witnessed: DMX naked sprinting through the hallways. This is probably a daily thing for his ass. When DMX isn’t posing for his 1,987,648th mug shot, he’s making his dick slap all over the police by running naked through a hotel hallway.
TMZ somehow got a hold of footage from a security camera of DMX taking his chonies off before making the wind sweep across his b-hole by participating in a crackhead marathon for one. DMX told TMZ that he just felt like running around the hallways with nothing but his house arrest anklet and socks on. But DMX’s rep told VIBE that it was a dare:
“DMX was a Detroit hotel with his DJ (DJ NonStop) and his road manager (Montana) before his performance with Eve and Lil Kim on August 31st. X and the team were killing time at the hotel before the concert and dared each other to streak in the hallway. No one was aware that security cameras were rolling and it was just a playful dare between friends.”
1. This might be the sanest thing that DMX has done in a long time.
2. Since DMX isn’t too scared to take a dare, DJ NonStop and Montana should dare him to not get arrested for 48 hours.
3. I’d still hit it. Well, that’s a big blur.
Ever since the second (or is it third, I’m losing track) Anthony Weiner sext scandal hit, some have been waiting for him to pull out of the mayoral race while I’ve been waiting for somebody, ANYBODY, to pull out the newest pictures of his unblurred danger dick. Because how in the hell can there be a dick pic scandal without the uncensored dick pics for us to clutch our anal beads over? That’s just un-American. Well, The Dirty, who broke the whole lukewarm Carlos Danger sex scandal, heard the cries of the American people’s genitals and released the Weiner. The Dirty’s Nik Richie did it, because he believes that the people of New York deserve better and I agree. The people of New York and America don’t deserve censored peen. Doesn’t it say in The Constitution, or something, that every citizen has the right to free speech and the right to see the SANS BLURRED dick pics that a mayoral candidate sexted to some chick? Yes, yes it does.
Nik Richie explained The Dirty’s decision with this extra dramatic statement:
Today is the first time in our company history that TheDirty.com has published extreme nude images without censor because New York deserves better leadership than this.
Let your voices be heard and demand that Anthony Weiner aka Carlos Danger withdraws immediately from the mayoral race. Now is your time, your opportunity to positively shift the focus of the mainstream media and the culture of politics in the United States.- nik
If I still lived in New York, I don’t know if I’d vote for Carlos Danger. I mean, how can I vote for a man who seriously takes a picture of his pink mushroom head poking out of his chonies all coy-like. It looks like an innocent ingenue giggling while covering half of her face with a lacy fan. I CAN’T! There are only so many seconds in the day and I really don’t want spend any of those seconds looking at some peek-a-boo peen. The dick of a future NYC mayor should jump all the way out and stand proud. The lighting is all wrong, it’s not fully hard and I can see more of his beautifully pedicured feet than I can of his Mushroom Kingdom soldier. Carlos Danger has got to do better.
The last time I went to Subway, I don’t remember them selling frozen piss in a bottle (although, they did have Fuze raspberry iced tea, which is practically the same thing) and I really don’t remember dick dust being a topping. But at the Subway on Tuttle Crossing Boulevard in Columbus, Ohio, you can have a touch of dick on your sub and you can have a peen-shaped footlong. Yes, I’m writing this in the back of a Greyhound bus headed for Tuttle Crossing Boulevard, because at the Subway there, you can eat fresh…dick.
Just like the genius Taco Bell taco-licker before them, two “sandwich artists” at Subway posted pictures on Instagram of them acting the sucio fool at work. The pics were sent into HuffPo Weird News by an anonymous tipster (hahaha…tip) who was disgusted by their acts of foolery and felt like something needed to be done. The tipster says that Subway employee Cameron Boggs is the one who posted (and later deleted) the pics on Instagram. Cameron admitted on Instagram that he’s the gross ho who froze a bottle of his piss at work and his co-worker Ian Jett is the dude who put his dick on the bread. But Ian Jett tells HuffPo that it was a total joke and he wasn’t at work when tapped that loaf of bread with his loaf of peen meat. He says he was at home.
“I would never do that at work — it was at home. This isn’t something I’d ever do at Subway. It was totally a joke.”
First of all, Ian Jett is seriously dedicated to his job, because his kitchen at home looks exactly like the kitchen in a fast food restaurant, stainless steel counters and all. Second of all, judging by that peach-colored piss Slurpee, Cameron didn’t drink any of the water in that bottle before pissing in it. Drink more water, ho! Third of all, putting your dick on a footlong is asking for the size queens to come at you. Ian should’ve slapped his shit on a six-incher, because slapping your shit on a six-incher is like shaving your pubes. It might make your dick situation look larger.
Subway hasn’t commented on this mess yet, but if they fire them, Cameron and Ian can always get jobs as Kim Kardashian’s personal chefs. Oh wait, I don’t think Ian’s peen is black. So scratch that. What I should’ve said is that they can always get jobs as John Travolta’s personal chefs.
And the next time I go to Subway, I’ll be so disappointed if they don’t say to me, “Would you like oil and vinegar or dick sweat?”
This is what comes up when you type the cheat code “Illuminati” into The Sims 2 (not even The Sims 3, not even The Sims 4).
Kanye West probably thinks his CGI mess of a video for “Black Skinhead” is some HIGH ART forward shit, but to me it looks like an application video for the animation program at DeVry. This is like Second Life’s idea of purgatory. Force quit this shit. But I do love that Kanye made his Sims self so realistic-looking, because we all know that he’s covered in muscles and has a third leg dick (at the 2:55 mark) that’s about the size of his ego.
And I liked those moves so much more when the Going to the Store dude (?) did them.
When you Google “Don Johnson naked” or “Don Johnson huge dick,” you get NSFW pictures of his rolled up pancake peen and articles about how his wang is so enormous that it can pin down Jon Hamm’s hammaconda in a wrestling match. Rolling Stone (via Page Six) decided to ask Don Johnson if it’s true that he can tickle a lady’s tonsils just by sticking the tip in her coochie and he shook his head no. Don says that the label on his dick says “regular” and not XXXXXL like the rumors claim, but he says he knows of a different Johnson with a wide-screen, hi-def dick.
“Look, I’ve seen guys with a lot bigger [penises] than me. One time, I was in the Celtics locker room talking to Larry Bird and Kevin McHale . . . and there’s Dennis Johnson coming out of the showers and, dude, that’s who put the Johnson in Johnson. I mean, it must have shown on my face, because when I turned back to Larry, he looked at me and said, ‘I know, huh?’ and I was like, ‘Dude, that’s a weapon.’ “
I know your fingers are itching to Google “Dennis Johnson huge dick,” but I already did and only got a screen full of Don Johnson’s face. Don Johnson ain’t shit for bringing this up 5 years after Dennis Johnson passed away, because it’s not like they can have a big dick-off to see whose peen game is bigger.
And speaking of cocks the size of Liechtenstein, since I post about Richard Simmons all the time, a reader wrote me once to say that he (Richard Simmons) has the biggest cock they’ve ever seen. That e-mail was the equivalent of the recess bell, because it let me know that I had way too much Internet and needed to go outside to play.
I had no idea who Ray Elbe was up until five seconds ago, but I can’t resist a good dick story, even a good dick story that ends in tragedy. Ryan Elbe is an MMA fighter and he’s probably had his peen kicked hundreds of times, but not once has a fight ended with his dick being thrown onto a tiny stretcher and rushed to the penis hospital (Side note: If a penis hospital exists, point me to it so I can apply for the position of wet nurse.). But out of the fighting ring proved to be a much more dangerous place for his dick. In the video confessional below, Ray says that earlier this month in Malaysia, his girlfriend was riding him something good when she bounced too high and came down hard and broke his boner. So that’s why earlier this month it felt like my no-no made a frown face. It sensed a boner breaking in Malaysia.
Ray says that blood started squirting everywhere. Now if this happened to a veteran man whore like Gerard Butler, he would’ve put a makeshift splint on his peen and kept on a’ fuckin’. But Ray passed the hell out. Health care workers showed up to his condo in Malaysia and immediately took him to the hospital where his peen underwent surgery to repair a tear in his urinary tube. Ray says that the pain in his dick was so bad that he now knows what dudes go through when they wet hump on Paris Hilton without wearing a condom made of armor. Ray’s peen is going to make a full recovery, but they did hook him up to a catheter and he has to swallow anti-erection pills for a little while. Somebody should tell Ray that a holistic way of keeping his dick soft is to watch this video three times a day.
Ray also said that his girlfriend’s days of riding him are over and to make up for breaking his dick, she’s going to give him a threesome with a lady of his choice when they get to the Philippines (insert eye roll here). Ray said that he only came forward, because apparently this happens a lot and sometimes dudes don’t go to the emergency room for it:
“I came forward with, because I really want people to understand the significance of the emergency. As I Googled this online, a lot of guys actually get to the point where there is no repair because they’re embarrassed and don’t go to the emergency room right away.”
The lesson here is that dick riding isn’t for amateurs. It takes skill on both parts and you have to synchronize your thrusts and bounces perfectly. One false move and you could end up with a bruised coochie and/or a piece with an out-of-service peen. And there’s nothing sadder than an out-of-service peen. Seriously, what are you supposed to do with an out-of-service peen? Feed it Jell-O and watch Lifetime movies with it? Actually, that sounds strangely adorable.
Here’s Ray Elbe talking about his peen trauma:
If you asked me a couple of days ago who I thought Olly Murs was, I’d guess and say that Olly Murs is the accidental love child Hoops & Yoyo made during a night of awkward drunken cat and rabbit gay sex. (They don’t like to talk about it.) But I would’ve been wrong (I think), because Olly Murs is a British pop singer type who was the runner-up on the sixth season of The X-Factor UK, and now he’s known to me as the dude with five fully functional inches of love.
Olly Murs is apparently known for his bulge (see: pictures below of Olly Murs shooting a video in Venice, CA on September 21st. That’s not an overfull diaper in Olly’s skinny pants. That’s his five inch carrot and two avocado seeds.) and so Heat World (via ONTD) asked him about it during an interview. Heat World not only asked him about his bulge, but they also reached new levels of TOO MUCH INFORMATION by asking him to get specific and shit. And Olly did get specific:
“Maybe 13 [cm]? That’s what I’d go with – it’s definitely not 20cm. It would be quite big. I think 13cm.
It [his bulge] doesn’t bother me. I have never, honest to God, tried to emphasise it. It has always been other people. I have never thought of myself as someone who has a big bulge. But this is probably the first time I will be arrogant by saying I have never had a complaint…it’s not about the size; it’s what you can do with it that counts. It’s not about quantity, it’s about quality. And I am all about quality.”
I love how Olly says “I think.” Ho, please. You know he measures it daily. Olly slaps his peen against a ruler and tries to stretch it as far as it will go the same way Tommy Girl stands on his tippity, tippity tip toes when John Travolta’s measuring him on a growth chart in the Scientology playroom. “I grew 0.00003 centimeters!” is a line both Tommy Girl and Olly’s peen have screamed out recently.
And I bet that when you put all of Olly’s 13 centimeters in your mouth, you can articulately say the name “Olly Murs.” That’s a selling point for 5 inch dicks! Think about that the next time you’re about to roll your eyes when a trick on Craigslist tells you that he’s only got 5 inches.
I know, ANOTHER post about this election shit. But this one isn’t really about the election. It’s an excuse to post this picture of Jon Hamm’s hamm log getting all patriotic and shit at an Obama rally. You can’t tell from this picture, but Jon’s obese crotch hose is wearing an Uncle Sam top hat.
“I had a 13 year old girl come up to me in Colorado -this is a dead true story- and say, ‘Well, you’re a wealthy white male… why are you here?’ And I was like, first of all, that’s the greatest question I’ve been asked on this entire tour. But secondly, she had conflated somehow in her head that only people vote for their own kind. And I made sure to tell her that that’s absolutely not the case. I vote for what I think is best for all of us. Not simply for me. And that’s unfortunately the message that the other side wants to get across, is you just take care of yourself and you build a fence around yourself and no one else gets help. That’s not how I was raised, that’s not the America I wanna live in and that’s not the America that I believe in.”
Jon Hamm didn’t say the other reason why he’s rallying for Obama. One day while he was spooning with his dick, his peen turned its head around and nuzzled into his neck for a second before whispering in his ear, “Vote for Obama, it’ll make me extra happy for the next for the next four years.” This is a very important endorsement since Jon’s Hammcock is the current sitting President of West Coast Peens.
And here’s Jon Hamm and his partner Jennifer Westfeldt leaving Little Dom’s restaurant in L.A. last night. If Obama wins this election, Jon Hamm better take to the streets to play “Yankee Doodle Dandy” on his extra long skin harmonica (hammonica?).