At the Producers Guild Awards in Beverly Hills last night, Chuck Lorre, the evil doer who’s responsible for torturing us with shit like Two and a Half Men, told the audience that at the Golden Globes last week he pissed next to Ben Affleck in the men’s bathroom and he can confirm that he looks at other dudes’ peens while he’s pissing next to them and Ben’s dick is big enough to fill Batman’s codpiece. E! News says that while accepting an award last night, Chuck Lorre still had Affdick on his mind:
“Yes I peeked. And yes, Comic Con, he can play Batman.”
At the end of the show, Ben went onstage to present Best Picture (it was a tie, Gravity and 12 Years A Slave both won) and he brought up the subject of his huge dick. Ben said that it’s true, his peen could probably come out on top in a tag team fight between the Hammaconda and the Fassdong.
“I want to thank someone tonight. Evidentially, I was in the bar briefly and I came back to my seat and someone said, ‘You know there was a guy on stage who said you have a big dick. I was like, ‘You know? Isn’t that always how it goes. The one time it happens, I miss it.’ Thank you very much. Whoever you are God bless you. I’m often confused with Matt Damon but rarely with Michael Fassbender, so it’s a nice change.”
Normally, I’d channel the spirit of Nippy by screaming, “SHOW ME THE RECEIPTS, DIANE,” but I sort of believe that Ben Affleck’s got a huge dick that could bust your sugar walls. It would explain why Blake NotSoLively talked like her jaw was broken in The Town. I know Blake’s always like that, but it was extra in The Town. And since Zack Snyder cast Ben Affleck as Batman, he obviously wants a Batman who is extra stiff and devoid of personality. What I’m saying is that Ben Affleck’s supposedly huge dick should play Batman instead.
Shia LaDouche said a while ago that Lars Von Trier cast him in the 4-hour-long CGI HIGH ART porn Nymphomaniac after he sent the director sex tapes of him wet humping on his then-girlfriend Karolyn Pho. Lars Von Trier is weird and he’s into some jacked-up shit, so Shia’s sex tape was gross enough for Lars to cast him. If any of us watched Shia’s sex tape, we’d have to consider our laptop tainted by a demon and we’d have to rid it from the earth by breaking it into hundreds of pieces with a hammer before burning the pieces and tossing the ashes in rushing water. Well, I’d fap to it first and then I’d do all that other stuff. But Shia was probably lying, because now he’s saying something totally different (which he probably made up too).
Shia says in a promo interview (you can watch that shit below if you want) released by the production company that when his people told producers that he was interested in doing Nymphomaniac, the producers asked his people to send a dick pic. Shia immediately sent one over:
“The first info we got — and I’ll never forget this because my entire team reacted with such fear — the first request from the production end, not Lars, was for pictures of my penis. Lars goes, ‘Send him the letter. The letter was, ‘Are you game?’ I guess the first test was, ‘Let’s time how long it takes this motherfucker to send his dick over the Internet.’ It was like 20 minutes; they were like, ‘All right, kid’s ready.’”
Since Shia is Shia and plagiarizes everything, he probably copy + pasted an important peen in history and sent that to Lars. On the first day of shooting when Shia took off his robe and showed off the peen that looks like a newborn naked mole rat with pink eye (we’ve all seen -NSFW- it), Lars probably thought to himself, “His dick looked so, so, so much bigger when Pamela Anderson’s face was next to it.”
My Bow makes my dick hard every time I smile…is that normal? pic.twitter.com/AI6k9TOGmu
— Idris Elba (@idriselba) January 5, 2014
Note: I didn’t want to use the gory picture that The Daily Mail used, because NO. Besides, a picture of a scared pussy perfectly expresses my feelings about this messy, tragic tale of lost peen.
26-year-old Yang Hu of Jiaxing, China had a seriously severe case of the sads about moving to a new city and not finding a special lady friend to give his heart and peen to. Yang Hu grew more and more depressed and he figured that since he didn’t have a love life, he really didn’t need a peen. Yang Hu took FOREVER ALONE to horrific levels a couple of days ago when he came home after work and decided that the only way he’ll stop thinking about getting a girlfriend is if he chops his dick off. So he chopped his peen off.
Right after Yang Hu became No Wang Yang by whacking his peen off, he realized an extremely important fact that most dudes probably realize when they whack their peens off: he had no dick. Yang Hu must’ve realized that you can use a peen for many other things (examples: fapping, pissing, drawing eyes on its head and making its slit talk to you when you’re really bored, etc…), because he regretted what he had one. Yang Hu quickly jumped on his bike and rode to the nearest hospital to get his peen re-attached. But he jumped on his bike a little too quickly, because he forgot to bring his peen with him. The hospital told him they needed his chopped-off peen in order to re-attach it to his body and those bitches made him ride his bike back to get it. Yang Hu jumped back on his back and while bleeding, rode back to his house, grabbed his dick and rode back to the hospital. When he got there, doctors told him that his peen had been without blood for too long and they couldn’t re-attach it.
Friends are blaming the hospital, because they say that if doctors sent an ambulance to get Yang Hu’s peen, they might’ve been able to re-attach it in time.
The hell kind of GD crazy, fucked-up doctor looks at a poor man who’s bleeding at the crotch, has no peen, is obviously suffering from a breakdown of some kind and says, “Sorry, no wang, no service!” Those bitches. Send an intern! Send a nurse! Send a helicopter! Send a paramedic! Send a KAYAK! Send anybody but the poor dude who’s bleeding from his crotch. This is like the worst Nurse Jackie episode of all-time.
And you know some motherfucker is reading this story and thinking to himself, “At least he didn’t have to log on the ACA website before going to the hospital.”
In his song with Kendrick Lamar “Give It 2 U,” Robin Thicke brags that he’s got a thick dick for you and in his video for “Blurred Lines,” a blonde model dances in front of a silver balloon sign that reads, “Robin Thicke Has A Big Dick.” That slut is subtle. Basically, Robin Thicke wants you to think that when he goes to a glory hole, he brings a hand saw with him to make the hole big enough to fit his triple X crotch salchicha and his peen is so large that it can shaftslam the Hammaconda without straining one vein. So because Robin Thicke is always bragging about how he has to sew together three Magnums to make a rubber that’s big enough for his obese dick, Glamour Magazine asked his wife Paula Patton if his his peen is as thick as his head:
GLAMOUR: You guys still seem very passionate. He did say in an interview that he turned you into a bad girl.
PAULA PATTON: He ruined me! Gosh, I hope I’m still a good girl and a bad girl at the same time. And I think that every girl should know the bad girl inside her—and that doesn’t make her bad, you know.
GLAMOUR: So in the “Blurred Lines” video, there’s that balloon message—“Robin Thicke has a big d-ck”…
PAULA PATTON: It’s cool, it’s funny, it’s awesome!
GLAMOUR: Yes, it’s definitely all of those things. But we have to ask: Is it accurate?
PAULA PATTON: Robin’s like, “Listen, if I’m, you know, in the Miami Heat’s locker room, I don’t know where I stand, but.…” But I think that the statement is fairly accurate!
So if he was in the Miami Heat locker room, size-wise, his dick would fall somewhere between a wordlock combination lock and a Sparkletts water jug. Okay. You know, I can’t believe I’m typing this and it hurts me as a shameless slut to type this, but I’m kind of sick of hearing about Robin Thicke’s gigantic peen. The words “Robin Thicke has a big dick” are meaningless without a Hi Res picture. It’s kind of like if you told me, “Michael, my kitten is so gorgeous,” without showing me a picture. For all I know, your kitten could be uglier than a pile of Crocs. So yeah, show it or shut it, Robin.
Robin Thicke’s dick is kind of like Miley’s tongue: I’m tired of it. Robin Thicke’s dick is also like Miley’s tongue, because if you want to lick it, you’d probably have to scrape layers of slimy ICK NAST off of it before doing so.
A room service attendant and guests at a hotel in Detroit witnessed what I’m sure hundreds have already witnessed: DMX naked sprinting through the hallways. This is probably a daily thing for his ass. When DMX isn’t posing for his 1,987,648th mug shot, he’s making his dick slap all over the police by running naked through a hotel hallway.
TMZ somehow got a hold of footage from a security camera of DMX taking his chonies off before making the wind sweep across his b-hole by participating in a crackhead marathon for one. DMX told TMZ that he just felt like running around the hallways with nothing but his house arrest anklet and socks on. But DMX’s rep told VIBE that it was a dare:
“DMX was a Detroit hotel with his DJ (DJ NonStop) and his road manager (Montana) before his performance with Eve and Lil Kim on August 31st. X and the team were killing time at the hotel before the concert and dared each other to streak in the hallway. No one was aware that security cameras were rolling and it was just a playful dare between friends.”
1. This might be the sanest thing that DMX has done in a long time.
2. Since DMX isn’t too scared to take a dare, DJ NonStop and Montana should dare him to not get arrested for 48 hours.
3. I’d still hit it. Well, that’s a big blur.
Ever since the second (or is it third, I’m losing track) Anthony Weiner sext scandal hit, some have been waiting for him to pull out of the mayoral race while I’ve been waiting for somebody, ANYBODY, to pull out the newest pictures of his unblurred danger dick. Because how in the hell can there be a dick pic scandal without the uncensored dick pics for us to clutch our anal beads over? That’s just un-American. Well, The Dirty, who broke the whole lukewarm Carlos Danger sex scandal, heard the cries of the American people’s genitals and released the Weiner. The Dirty’s Nik Richie did it, because he believes that the people of New York deserve better and I agree. The people of New York and America don’t deserve censored peen. Doesn’t it say in The Constitution, or something, that every citizen has the right to free speech and the right to see the SANS BLURRED dick pics that a mayoral candidate sexted to some chick? Yes, yes it does.
Nik Richie explained The Dirty’s decision with this extra dramatic statement:
Today is the first time in our company history that TheDirty.com has published extreme nude images without censor because New York deserves better leadership than this.
Let your voices be heard and demand that Anthony Weiner aka Carlos Danger withdraws immediately from the mayoral race. Now is your time, your opportunity to positively shift the focus of the mainstream media and the culture of politics in the United States.- nik
If I still lived in New York, I don’t know if I’d vote for Carlos Danger. I mean, how can I vote for a man who seriously takes a picture of his pink mushroom head poking out of his chonies all coy-like. It looks like an innocent ingenue giggling while covering half of her face with a lacy fan. I CAN’T! There are only so many seconds in the day and I really don’t want spend any of those seconds looking at some peek-a-boo peen. The dick of a future NYC mayor should jump all the way out and stand proud. The lighting is all wrong, it’s not fully hard and I can see more of his beautifully pedicured feet than I can of his Mushroom Kingdom soldier. Carlos Danger has got to do better.
The last time I went to Subway, I don’t remember them selling frozen piss in a bottle (although, they did have Fuze raspberry iced tea, which is practically the same thing) and I really don’t remember dick dust being a topping. But at the Subway on Tuttle Crossing Boulevard in Columbus, Ohio, you can have a touch of dick on your sub and you can have a peen-shaped footlong. Yes, I’m writing this in the back of a Greyhound bus headed for Tuttle Crossing Boulevard, because at the Subway there, you can eat fresh…dick.
Just like the genius Taco Bell taco-licker before them, two “sandwich artists” at Subway posted pictures on Instagram of them acting the sucio fool at work. The pics were sent into HuffPo Weird News by an anonymous tipster (hahaha…tip) who was disgusted by their acts of foolery and felt like something needed to be done. The tipster says that Subway employee Cameron Boggs is the one who posted (and later deleted) the pics on Instagram. Cameron admitted on Instagram that he’s the gross ho who froze a bottle of his piss at work and his co-worker Ian Jett is the dude who put his dick on the bread. But Ian Jett tells HuffPo that it was a total joke and he wasn’t at work when tapped that loaf of bread with his loaf of peen meat. He says he was at home.
“I would never do that at work — it was at home. This isn’t something I’d ever do at Subway. It was totally a joke.”
First of all, Ian Jett is seriously dedicated to his job, because his kitchen at home looks exactly like the kitchen in a fast food restaurant, stainless steel counters and all. Second of all, judging by that peach-colored piss Slurpee, Cameron didn’t drink any of the water in that bottle before pissing in it. Drink more water, ho! Third of all, putting your dick on a footlong is asking for the size queens to come at you. Ian should’ve slapped his shit on a six-incher, because slapping your shit on a six-incher is like shaving your pubes. It might make your dick situation look larger.
Subway hasn’t commented on this mess yet, but if they fire them, Cameron and Ian can always get jobs as Kim Kardashian’s personal chefs. Oh wait, I don’t think Ian’s peen is black. So scratch that. What I should’ve said is that they can always get jobs as John Travolta’s personal chefs.
And the next time I go to Subway, I’ll be so disappointed if they don’t say to me, “Would you like oil and vinegar or dick sweat?”
This is what comes up when you type the cheat code “Illuminati” into The Sims 2 (not even The Sims 3, not even The Sims 4).
Kanye West probably thinks his CGI mess of a video for “Black Skinhead” is some HIGH ART forward shit, but to me it looks like an application video for the animation program at DeVry. This is like Second Life’s idea of purgatory. Force quit this shit. But I do love that Kanye made his Sims self so realistic-looking, because we all know that he’s covered in muscles and has a third leg dick (at the 2:55 mark) that’s about the size of his ego.
And I liked those moves so much more when the Going to the Store dude (?) did them.
When you Google “Don Johnson naked” or “Don Johnson huge dick,” you get NSFW pictures of his rolled up pancake peen and articles about how his wang is so enormous that it can pin down Jon Hamm’s hammaconda in a wrestling match. Rolling Stone (via Page Six) decided to ask Don Johnson if it’s true that he can tickle a lady’s tonsils just by sticking the tip in her coochie and he shook his head no. Don says that the label on his dick says “regular” and not XXXXXL like the rumors claim, but he says he knows of a different Johnson with a wide-screen, hi-def dick.
“Look, I’ve seen guys with a lot bigger [penises] than me. One time, I was in the Celtics locker room talking to Larry Bird and Kevin McHale . . . and there’s Dennis Johnson coming out of the showers and, dude, that’s who put the Johnson in Johnson. I mean, it must have shown on my face, because when I turned back to Larry, he looked at me and said, ‘I know, huh?’ and I was like, ‘Dude, that’s a weapon.’ “
I know your fingers are itching to Google “Dennis Johnson huge dick,” but I already did and only got a screen full of Don Johnson’s face. Don Johnson ain’t shit for bringing this up 5 years after Dennis Johnson passed away, because it’s not like they can have a big dick-off to see whose peen game is bigger.
And speaking of cocks the size of Liechtenstein, since I post about Richard Simmons all the time, a reader wrote me once to say that he (Richard Simmons) has the biggest cock they’ve ever seen. That e-mail was the equivalent of the recess bell, because it let me know that I had way too much Internet and needed to go outside to play.