Anna Faris has a podcast called Anna Faris Is Unqualified (file that under: things I did not know) and her co-star from What’s Your Number?, Chris Evans, was on to talk about all sorts of things. Chris talked about how his tip gets moist for ass more than tits, texting etiquette and one of my favorite subjects: dick pics.
The blindfold on every Lady Justice statue in this country is filling with a thousand tears, because nothing has ever made them more proud of the judicial system like Hulk Hogan testifying in a court room that his dick is not 10 inches long. What a proud moment for this country.
Giant piece of smoked salmon jerky Hulk Hogan and Gawker are currently battling it to the death in a court room in St. Petersburg, FL. Hulk and his wishbone stache are suing Gawker for $100 million for invading his privacy by posting a video of the Hulkster running wild on his friend’s pussy. (Actually, I’ve seen the video. He doesn’t run wild. It’s more of a slow out-of-breath stroll.) Hulk didn’t know he was being filmed when he pounded his charbroiled salchicha into Heather Clem, the then-wife of his friend Bubba the Love Sponge. The sex tape was recorded on security cameras in Bubba and Heather’s the bedroom. Hulk also sued Bubba, but they settled the case for $5,000 and a public “I”m Sowwy.” Gawker and Hulk Hogan tried to work out a deal, but they couldn’t come to an agreement. So they’re in court.
I’m pressing pause on all the dicks and nutsacks who were at the Oscars last night to quickly cover actual dick and nuts.
Something called the 2016 NFL Scouting Combine happened at the Lucas Oil Stadium in Indianapolis, Indiana yesterday. I didn’t know what the NFL Scouting Combine was until a big ole’ flopping dick made me Google to find the answer. If you didn’t know, the NFL Scouting Combine is where college football players try to get recruited into a pro team by showing off their skills in a week-long showcase. Players try to stand out and well, nobody really stood out like Mississippi State defensive lineman Chris Jones when he accidentally celebrated Eggplant Friday on a Sunday.
Chris Jones was trying to beat his 5-second record in the 40-yard dash when his peen and crotch huevos flew out of his Spandex shorts. I don’t know if Chris Jones was wearing a jock strap or a cup or anything, but it wouldn’t surprise me if he was. Because that mighty dick looks like it’s strong enough to break through that shit so it can breathe oxygen. Chris Jones seemed to laugh it off right before one of the announcers said that when these guys fall, they fall down hard and long. I bet that announcer was winking when he said that. Deadspin has a clearer video for you peen-loving sucio tricks, but here’s a blurry one.
And I hope that whoever clocked in his time, clocked it in when his dick tip passed the finish line. Because his dick definitely crossed the line before he did.
(Thank you to all of you who know me so well and sent this in.)
Next to cold water, Instagram has just become a huge enemy to us lovers of hard dicks. The Game is the current reigning Shakespeare of Instagram peen print pictures, because he regularly graces eyeballs with romantic hashtag sonnets along with exquisite portraits of his Hickory Farms summer sausage boner. But now the same evil demons who put an end to #EggplantFriday and repeatedly yanked down Chelsea Handler’s nipples want to erase The Game’s poetic hashtags and dick prints from their site.
TMZ says that the pictures of The Game’s dick have been flagged so many times that Instagram wants him to take them down. The pictures are still up as of right now. The Game claims that Instagram hasn’t sent him a takedown notice yet, but if they do, he’s taking his eggplant show to Snapchat where they let hard peens run wild.
@tmz_tv calls me to give me the scoop……. Shit been up for a month, now y'all threatening niggas lol #KanyeShrug #YouAPhoneAppButYouStillLikeTheSausage 😂😂😂😂😂😂 #ProbablyLilWeeWeeNiggasReportingIt #YoDaddyJustWasntPackinSoGeneticallyYourLifeFuckedUp #MyDaddyWasADragonSlayerOutHereAndItGotPassedDownToMe #MyGrandaddyWasASeaMonsterKiller #ItRunsInTheFamily #TaylorMeatPackingCompany #MEATPRINTPAPI has spoken….. Now back to this Daddy thing I'm doing over here…. #HatersGoneHatePotatosGonePotate lmaoooo…. So if my account mysteriously disappear, IG hatin on a player & I'll be on snap chat for the duration: "blackb0yfly" & if they do delete it…. All my women fans, post it in the name of my Instagram memory #LongLiveTheDingALingKing #UnBothered
This is a dick injustice! If Instagram bans The Game’s dick print, he’ll probably post more close-up pictures of his busted face tattoo and who wants that?! Every dude needs to form a Million Peens March on Instagram to protest against this wrongdoing!
(But if Instagram feels like they should take the pics down because those decorative towels are too ugly for eyes, then I’m all for that.)
You may remember (“How could I forget?” said everyone who still has the image of The Game’s giant party sub dick seared into their retinas) that two weeks ago, rapper-turned-aspiring fuck prose artiste The Game posted a picture of himself in his underwear to Instagram with a wall of nasty hashtags. Well, I have good news for those of you who looked at The Game’s lycra-wrapped bulge and yelled: “MORE! I DEMAND MORE!!!”; it looks like this is going to be a weekly thing now.
Rapper and Vh1 reality show wreck The Game celebrated Eggplant Friday early yesterday by dropping his huge visible dick print on Instagram. Once you see the picture, you’ll probably think to yourself that The Game really should’ve taken a tip from that gorgeous JcPenney decorative towel set in the background by putting a tassel on it. His dick print really would’ve popped if it had a tassel on it.
The Game doesn’t only let you know that your down parts will look like eggplant parmesan once his huge eggplant of a peen gets through with it, but he also whispered a long string of hashtags into the eyes of his followers. The Game’s hashtags are bigger than his dick. The full picture is after the cut. WARNING: As soon as you click over, you will be hit with a whole lot of dick, modesty, hashtag poetry and romance. #ICantBelieveHashtagSexIsAThingNow.
When Justin Bieber’s Canadian salchicha made its way across the Internet, his biological dad (not to be confused with adoptive dad Usher) Jeremy Bieber pulled a Papa Joe by complimenting his son’s dick situation in a tweet. Justin’s KFed of a dad tweeted: “@justinbieber what do you feed that thing. #proud daddy.” (I apologize if you paid a hypnotist good money to have that tweet erased from your memory bin.)
Justin has been doing the rounds, promoting
those pics his album and he’s already said that those pictures showed his dick at its smallest and during a radio interview with Zach Sang & The Gang, he laughed at his dad’s tweet and called it “such a dad thing to say.” Err, speak for your own dad, Biebs. In my household, a dad thing to say is, “Err, what’s your name again?“, and, “Sorry I missed your last 8 birthdays.” But I guess in the Bieber household, “Nice big dick, son,” is a dad thing to say. via UsWeekly
“I thought it was hilarious. ‘What do you feed that thing,'” Bieber quipped in his latest interview of his dad’s brow-raising tweets. “It’s such a dad thing to say. When I found out people were hating on him for saying that, I was like, ‘Are you kidding me?’ What dad wouldn’t be proud of that? It’s not like he’s saying it to an 11-year-old. I’m 21 years old.”
Bieber also joked that his many fans even bestowed a name upon his, um, junk. “They call it Jerry,” he boasted on Sunday.
Those Beliebers are all fetus aged, but I’m going to choose to believe that they named it Jerry after Tom & Jerry. Justin, Jeremy and Jerry sounds like the names of the members of a barbershop trio called The Triple Js, and now I really hate myself for picturing Justin Bieber’s dick in a straw skimmer hat.
And the Biebs would’ve been 100% right if he would’ve said, “That’s such a Jeremy Bieber thing to say.” Because it is and I’m sure that right after Daddy Bieber tweeted that, he DMed his son with, “Dude, I fluffed your junk up on the Twitter, so can you repay your pop by dropping another $5k in my account. There’s these hawt twin strippers I want to daisy chain with.”
Head douche of the romper room Justin Bieber complained to Access Hollywood about feeling violated after pics of his nekkidness scandalized the Earth over a week ago. He also stated that the depiction of his dick was inaccurate due to “shrinkage.” Maybe Daddy should have sent more incest-y tweets to bolster his dick’s fragile ego? via People
“My first thing was like … how can they do this? Like I feel super violated. Like, I feel like I can’t step outside and feel like I can go outside naked. Like you should feel comfortable in your own space … especially that far away.”
On one hand, he’s right. He should be able to, like, walk the cock if he’s in own personal space, like, without it ending up slapped across the, like, Internet for, like, jillions to “meh” to. Like, Granted, when Justin Bieber walks outside naked, he calls it a “violation,” but when I do it the police are called, people run and I’m told to leave the park immediately.
On the other hand, those evil assholes didn’t even let him apply a proper Instagram filter to his nudity this time! When you’re globally famous and you walk your bare ass out on the deck of your hotel hut, the paps should at least wait until you give the word. Forewarned is fore
cockedarmed in the celebrity dick pic game, people!
Bieber also felt that his dick wasn’t presented in the best possible light.
“That was shrinkage for me.”
Irritating shithead, please! Every guy caught out there says that. If shrinkage had that much to do with small penises, the male engineers of the world would insure that pools only came heated. Our global warming issue would have to suck it, because all of the dude scientists would instead be wracked figuring out a way to permanently raise the temperatures of the planet’s oceans, lakes, rivers and streams.
Not that I want to be defending the hell toddler, but it’s not like he’s sporting a button. Sure, it’s not the Hammaconda, but that’s a rare beast. Look, showers not growers do fine in the world. (You – “Orly?” Me – “Shut up!“) I mean, does size really matter in the end? (The Dlisted readership – “Yes!”) *Cut to Michael K. wondering how Dlisted HR would let someone who would ask that question into the lobby, let alone allow him to blog here*
And here’s some enthralling pics of the Biebs exiting a public bathroom yesterday in Beverly Hills.
No, I’m not going to guess what that finger smells like, because I’m way too hungover and not drunk enough for that.
The world hasn’t been the same ever since Justin Bieber’s Canadian breakfast sausage hit the Internet. Lives and relationships have been destroyed. Case in point: One of my friends said to me, “I can’t believe Justin Bieber’s dick is more impressive than Lenny Kravitz’s.” I would tell you that friend’s name, but I erased it from my memory, because she is forever dead to me now.
Speaking of erasing stuff, Justin Bieber’s lawyers are trying to scrub the Internet of the pictures of Biebs’ peen breathing in the Bora Bora air. The Hollywood Reporter says that his lawyers have hit the New York Daily News, the first ones to post the pics, with a cease and desist letter and are demanding that they yank Justin Bieber’s dick. As of right this second, the pictures are still up on the NYDN’s site.
Future historians will mark today as the day the world was rid of all of the Beliebers because they all hit puberty before combusting after looking at naked pictures of their 21-year-old God.
Usher just put a “DO NOT DISTURB, FOR REAL” sign on his office door and locked that shit, because the NYDN threw up a bunch of censored pictures of Justin Bieber taking his Bel Ami twink body for a swim in Bora Bora. The Biebs is there with his newest piece, Jayde Pierce. If you really want to expose your eyes to those pics, the censored ones are here and the uncensored ones are here and here. Before you click, you better contact your local Catholic church and ask them to set a bowl of holy water aside for your, because you will want to dunk your whole face in afterward.
You know, the Little Biebs isn’t a taco, it’s more of a taquito. Why did I just type that? But really, I’m going to call Photoshop, because I refuse to believe that Justin Bieber’s crotch isn’t completely flat and smooth and doesn’t have the word Mattel tattooed into it.