During the past week or so, peens allegedly belonging to several cast members of MTV’s Teen Wolf have leaked all over that internet. Dick pics and/or videos supposedly of Cody Christian, Ryan Kelley and Tyler Posey have popped up on the internet. I know, dicks pics of Teen Wolf dudes are sprouting up left and right and none are of Tyler Hoechlin. The universe really knows how to tease a bitch. The universe is that PornHub video that cuts off 2 seconds before the money shot. Gregg Sulkin isn’t in Teen Wolf, but he was on another MTV show, Faking It, and he did date Tyler Posey’s ex Bella Thorne, and I guess that’s good enough to add him to The Fappening: Teen Wolf Edition. BUT WAIT!
Katy Perry threw her man Orlando Bloom a surprise 40th birthday party at a hotel in Palm Springs, CA on Saturday night and even though Justin Theroux was there, the biggest dick in the room was the blown-up picture of Legolas’ (sadly censored) peen. Katy apparently took the picture that launched a thousand boners and throbbing clits, blew it up and used it as a backdrop for party guests to pose in front of. Some guests made fun of Orly’s salchicha (see: picture above) and others posed normal. It doesn’t look like any of them put their mouths on that black box. I know, Katy and Orlando have weird friends.
And I still write about Joe Jonas talking about his dick because dick.
Seen above demonstrating my favorite way to pop pimples, Joe Jonas did a Reddit Ask Me Anything (via Vulture) yesterday and he spilled out the name of who fucked his purity ring off and also said the same thing he said to Andy Cohen last July: he’d like to believe he’s got the biggest dick out of all his brothers. You know, these Jonas Brothers keep pandering to us peen lovers by talking about which one of them has got the biggest dick. They need to settle this already in an HD pay-per-view dick measuring event. I volunteer to be the ruler. In the meantime, after the cut are the answers that Joe dribbled out when asked about his peen, his brother’s nipples, his man crushes and more.
The Chainsmokers are an EDM duo and yes, in their case, EDM stands for Extremely Douchey Messes. They currently have the #1 song in the country “Closer” (featuring Halsey) and so Billboard (via Vulture) did a cover story on them. If you or someone you know happens to be suffering from cooch or b-hole odor, just rub your stinky parts all over The Chainsmokers’ Billboard interview and it’ll come out smelling like a fresh Summer’s Eve.
The Chainsmokers (I’m surprised they didn’t call themselves The Chainvapers) are made up of Alex Pall (on the left) and Drew Taggart, and together they have the modesty of Miles Teller and the humbleness of Kanye West. They brag about how they’ve always been hard-up horny all the time, how they’ve earned all the gold stars in boozing and how when their dick tips touch, it becomes a 17.34 inch long centipeen. They’re both like a charisma-less Chad Radwell from Scream Queens on Bod Man-scented roids. I think I’m in love.
Good celebrity peen pics are about as rare as a day that doesn’t end with you weeping at the bottom of a hot shower while clutching a vino sippy cup full of Barefoot white zin. (What? Just me?) So many of us peen pic dilettantes (yes, I have a Word of the Day calendar) appreciated when Orlando Bloom made the brave decision to go naked paddle boarding and risk a sea creature trying to get at his dangling dick after mistaking it for a marine spoon worm. But there’s one person who thinks that Orlando made a stupid decision and that someone is his ex-wife/mother of his kid, Miranda Kerr. Put your kewpie doll lips together, Miranda, and keep them shut! Nobody asked you for your opinion! Okay, actually someone did ask.
Since I am committed to bringing you all the most important and newsworthy events from the Olympics in Rio (see: Butt Fuchs, the lubed-up flag-bearer from Tonga, the Prance, Prance, Baby horsey, etc…), here’s Japanese pole vaulter Hiroki Ogita breaking 3 things in 1 second: his dick, his Olympic medal dreams and the whole “Asian peen” stereotype.
I always pray for the internet to deliver some pole-on-pole action, but this is not what I had in mind. I want video of Idris Elba and Jon Hamm sword fighting, not owww-inducing video of a pole vaulter getting cock blocked from an Olympic medal by his own cock. But I’ll take it. HuffPo says on Saturday, 28-year-old Hiroki Ogita got knocked out of a qualifying round after his peen fucked him over by slapping the pole. That’s one way to get an Olympdick at the Olympics. The truth is, I’ve watched this video at least 5,678,984 times since yesterday (because peen) and it looks more like his legs grazed the pole, but who really cares about dumb details when there are dick jokes to make!
Hiroki shouldn’t feel embarrassed at all. I mean, who hasn’t lost out on an Olympic medal after their genitals hit the pole in front of zillions of people? Yeah, that really didn’t work since only Hiroki has. Thankfully, Hiroki was fine and his peen didn’t need any medical attention. Although, it probably felt pain and sadness on the inside when Hiroki yelled at it for messing with his game.