Yesterday, an email dropped into my inbox with the subject “KFed’s dick!” and I clicked on that shit like the year was 2003 and I had a brand new bottle of Cheetos-scented lube next to me. I didn’t care if it was KFed’s dick during his PopoZao phase or KFed’s dick today, because I’m thirstier than Kristin Scott Thomas when she was dying in that cave in The English Patient.
But then I clicked on the link and the truth dick-slapped me right in the face. It totally wasn’t KFed’s salchicha, because the peen was completely queso-free and the bed sheets in the picture were way too clean and not covered in Doritos crumbs, In-N-Out wrappers and stains that may or may not be from Taco Bell refried beans. Not KFed!
The real life inspiration for Sweet Dee’s mentally challenged rapper piece tells TMZ that he’s seen the picture making the rounds and the beef wellington peen in the picture doesn’t belong to him. KFed’s crotch tattoos aren’t in the picture and his peen is way bigger. So he says. Yeah, you could make a joke about how it must be huge if KFed can see it past his FUPA, but I’ve always thought he had a Pringle can dick. Brit Brit was obviously dickmatized and he didn’t get “PopoZao” from the Brazilians. It’s what Brit Brit screamed the first time he stuck the tip in.
Anyway, I’ll stop with the words now and get to the dick. If you haven’t already seen Not KFed’s dick, click here to see. I’d hit it, whoever that is.
Games of Thrones is filled more tits than Hugh Hefner’s prune mouth during a conveyor belt orgy and many fans (and hos like me who don’t watch all the time but would if it was peen-ier) have screamed for less rape and MOAR DIK! Seen above throwing a face that says, “My lady nipples are on strike until GoT gets more peen,” Natalie Dormer tells The Daily Beast that GoT could definitely use several more servings of man salchicha. The Daily Beast brought up the “Show Us Dem Titties” mandate that HBO apparently has and asked Natalie Dormer if she thinks GoT should throw a bone (or several) at the peen lovers who watch the show. The Bitchy Resting Face Duchess said this about shoving more dick into GoT:
“Well, during the first season Alfie, Richard, and several of the men got naked—although not all the way. I suppose it’s just the rules of broadcast television, isn’t it? I think Thrones has been better than your average show with the equality, but they could definitely ramp it up! Absolutely.”
Here! Here! Fill that show with more dicks of all shapes, sizes and colors. Just none of that fake prosthetic shit like the crap Hodor wore. That thing looked like a cross between an uncooked turkey sausage and the arm of a pantyhose doll.
To quote a power bottom at an orgy when two tops ask if him if he can handle a DP, “You can never have TOO many dicks.” So GoT should just shove all the dicks in there and they should even recast some of the roles with peens. What I mean by that is that the Hammaconda should totally play one of the dragons.
Why do I have a feeling that minutes before that picture was taken, Niecy Nash “kept her husband happy” in the car and she’s still got a souvenir in her mouth?
I knew Niecy Nash was in Getting On, Reno 911, Clean House, The Soul Man, Hair Show and Cookie’s Fortune, but I had no idea she had a PhD in couples therapy. I mean, that’s why someone gave her money to write a book about marriage and relationships, right? Niecy has a book out called It’s Hard To Fight Naked and while talking about it with Playboy, she said that men are simpletons who are happy as long as they have a hot meal in their mouth and a hot mouth on their dick.
Dr. Niecy, who definitely has a masters in blow jobs, basically admitted to giving her second husband of 3 years a beej every day and says that the glue that holds a marriage together is the cum you suck out of your man’s dick. And suddenly, Niecy’s Getting On co-stars now know why her breath always smells like goat milk and chlorine.
What I say in the book is, “A BJ a day keeps the divorce attorney away” and I say that because I feel like men are profoundly simplistic, which is the reason I wanted to call my book what I used as the title of chapter three, which is, “Stomach Full, Penis Empty: A Woman’s Guide to a Happy Marriage.” Keeping him fed and drained, you have no problem. We are really more complicated than they are and I think that women are more generous with oral sex because we nurture by nature. We want to be pleasing by nature, that’s in our DNA, so I think that a lot of the behavior we’re looking for sexually, you might have to educate your partner. Sometimes, men just assume they’re going to get it and you need to be like, “Give me mine. Ladies first.”
Stomach Full, Penis Empty?! I’m going to need Niecy to explain that one to me. Does she mean that wives should suck their husbands off while feeding him fettuccine alfredo? Or does she mean that wives should swallow? Or does she mean that snowballing is the secret to a long-lasting marriage? I’m going to go with the last one, so open up and say aaaaah, husbands.
The anti-Peg Bundy also says that getting her uterus taken out was the greatest thing she’s ever done, because now she and her husband can screw without worrying about making babies. I guess Niecy doesn’t know about condoms or birth control, but in her defense, she doesn’t have time to research such things since she’s always gargling peen and making dinner.
And somewhere in the Scientology Centre, John Travolta has taken off his wig and is slow clapping for Niecy, because he has always told Kelly Preston that the key to a successful marriage is sucking dick every day.
Esteemed scientist and voice of reason Jenny McCarthy once said that when she first hung out with Donnie Wahlberg she thought he was gay because he didn’t try to bone her right away. Donnie didn’t wet hump her right away because he wanted to get up to date on his shots, obviously. But when they finally did sex, she was so hypnotized by the beauty of his beautiful beautiful dick. On Watch What Happens Live (via E!) last night, a “caller” called in to ask the question we all ask ourselves before we go to sleep and when we wake up in the morning: “How has sex changed with Donnie?” Before we get into the answer that Jenny burped up, you know the “caller” was calling from the green room, because it was Jenny’s assistant who was forced to ask this question, because she wanted to let everyone know that she and Donnie’s fuck time fun is so powerful and amazing that it can cure autism.
Jenny used the question to tell us how beautiful Donnie’s dick is:
“Without a doubt, it gets better every single time I make love to him. First of all, he has the most beautiful penis I’ve ever seen in my life. But you know what it is, he knows how to [use it],”
Fellow guest Tom Bergeron needed a better visual, so he asked Jenny what she means by “beautiful” and she continued to spit up more TMIness:
“Sometimes they’re deformed-looking and sometimes they’re a different color that you’re not used to. Some are, like, purple. Some are pink. The size is perfect. I can’t get too descriptive. But, you know what I mean! It fits my vagina perfectly and hits the spots right. But the thing about it is…he makes love to a woman.”
So many “battering ram down a hallway” jokes, so little time.
But really, deformed dicks? The hell kind of CDC hall of fame dick has she had? I wonder if the peens were deformed before or after sexing Jenny? If they looked like that after, she can’t blame them. They obviously got deformed and sick-looking because they caught whooping cough and the mumps from her chocha.
Thanks to some of you and details articles giving me exact instructions, I knew exactly when the true star of Gone Girl (next to the indifferent ginger cat) would make an appearance and a few minutes before it did, I Gorilla Glue’d my eyelids to my eyebrows, pulled out a pair of high-powered binoculars and went bird watching. I thought that I spotted a note that read, “You’re welcome. Love, Jennifer Garner,” tattooed onto the side of Ben’s peen trunk and now I know I really did see that note. While on Ellen to whore out her new movie Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day, she told Ellen DeGeneres that she is a charitable soul who wanted to give the world the gift of her husband’s dick. Jennifer Garner really IS the nicest woman in Hollywood. What other Hollywood wife would say, “um, you’re welcome,” to the side trick who calls her to brag about how they had her husband’s dick? At around the 0:56 mark in the video below, Jennifer sends all of us a Mylar balloon with the words “You’re welcum, whores” scribbled on it:
If you’re too lazy to hit the play button and move your mouse to the 0:56 mark, here’s what she said in text form:
JG: What I have to say is: You’re welcome. I try to consider myself a charitable person and I wanted to give back. You give me so much. I wanted to give something back to all of you.
ED: Forgive me if I don’t know this, is this the first time he’s been frontal nude in a film?
JG: Outside of our very racy films? Um, yes.
ED: Was he nervous about it? Were you nervous about it? Did you talk about it?
JG: It was a discussion. It was like, “Hey at work today Fincher talked me into coming out of the shower.” I was like, “Oh cool. I hope he had on a wide lens.“
I’m not one to look a gift colt in the mouth – I know the saying is “gift horse” but I can’t really say that here. I mean, it could grow into a gift horse. Anyway, I’m not one to look a gift colt in the mouth, but Jennifer Garner’s “gift” was a half order and some of us were expecting a full order. What I mean by that is that (PEEN SPOILER ALERT) Ben gives us a quick side profile of his soft Affdick and what are we supposed to do with a side profile? Sketch it and then have that drawing turned into a cameo necklace? Actually, that’s not a bad idea.
According to TMZ, the cloud hackers took a break from releasing more of Jennifer Lawrence’s stolen nipple pics this weekend to finally gave the people what they’ve been demanding for weeks now – PICS OF FAMOUS DICKS. Except they took our request a little too literally and leaked stolen pics of Hulk Hogan’s dickhead-looking son Nick Hogan. TMZ says the photos are pretty graphic (insert cat saying NO NO NO NO NO video here), including pictures of him from high school, Nick doing some No Holds Barred moves on a couple of ladies, pics of his dick, and several pictures of (WARNING GRAB A BARF BAG) his mom Linda Hogan wearing a thong and bending over.
But getting hacked could actually be bad news bears for Nick Hogan. TMZ says a couple of the stolen high school pics feature – you guessed it – underage high school girls, which means both he and the hackers are technically in possession of what is technically child porn. Ruh roh. Of course, Nick is a dummy and he’s half denying it. He isn’t denying that the underage high school girl pics are his – he claims he’s kept almost everything that was recorded or photographed from his life. But he says the dick pics aren’t pictures of his dick.
Obviously, the silver lining is that they didn’t release any dick pics of Hulk Hogan. My eyes don’t need to see The Hulkster’s HGH-jacked overcooked jerky-looking Lil’ Hulkamaniac or his silky bandana-wrapped butter yellow pubes.
Not funny, cloud hackers! Of all the penis pics that could have been released (Jon Hamm, Joe Manjello, Jon Hamm, Christopher Meloni, or, I dunno, JON HAMM) the cloud hackers decided to kick off The Fappening 4: The Tappening by releasing stolen iCloud dick pics of Hulk Hogan’s busted sperm. I feel like at any minute, a black and white hologram of Rod Serling is going to appear behind me saying: “The desperate Dorito-dust-covered creature seen before you is Allison, a woman who just realized that when it comes to dick pics, be careful what you wish for. Because sometimes the dick pics you get aren’t the dick pics you want.” Cue the Twilight Zone neener-neener music!
If you haven’t mainlined your usual morning mixture of Folgers and Red Bull yet, you probably jumped onto Fandango to immediately buy tickets to Gone Girl, because you read that headline as “The Aflac Duck Has A Cameo In ‘Gone Girl’” and that sold you! Sadly, the Aflac Duck isn’t in Gone Girl, but Ben Affleck’s bare dick is. Maybe.
For years, some of us peen-hungry, easy-to-please, hard-up, thirsty, desperate cock sluts have been screaming about how Hollywood needs to evolve and fully embrace equality by giving us more dick on screen. We’re always slapped in the eyes with titties and it’s about time we’re slapped in the face with some IMAX peen. David Fincher heard our slobbery cries and put two dicks in Gone Girl. Yes, those dicks are attached to Ben Affleck and Neil Patrick Harris, but us peen-hungry, easy-to-please, hard-up, thirsty, desperate cock sluts take what we can get. During an interview with MTV News, Ben was asked if his dick makes its feature film debut in Gone Girl and he squirted this out:
“I try to get it in every movie. It’s ironic, because David said to me from the beginning, this is a warts and all movie. It can have no vanity. You have to see the naked underbelly of this character.
“There’s some brief, ah, very brief nudity, I think. The penis is in there! It’s IMAX penis! You’ve gotta pay fifteen bucks to see it in 3D… it’s better in 3D. You should know it was very cold.”
Some people who have seen the movie say that their retinas definitely got brushed with the tip of Doogie’s dong, but they didn’t see the Affleck dick. Others say that you definitely see it. The ones who claim to have seen it gave almost no details. Does it curve to the left? Does it curve to the right? Is it as limp as his personality or as stiff as his acting? Is it a churro or is it more like a burrito?
So if you go to a showing of Gone Girth (Freudian slip and it stays) on Friday night and during Ben’s shower scene, you hear a hysterical gay guy in the audience screaming at the projector booth, “PAUSE THIS SHIT! SHIT, YOU DIDN’T PAUSE IT! GO BACK. WE HAVE TO GO BACK. REWIND! PAUSE! THAT’S THE SPOT. NOW BRING UP THE BRIGHTNESS,” it’ll most likely be me. But if I really, really want to know everything there is to know about Ben Affleck’s peen, I should just walk into any casino and talk to the call girls.
Here’s Ben outside of The Daily Show in NYC yesterday.
Wu-Tang affiliated rapper Christ Bearer (born name: Andre Johnson) became a walking anti-PCP billboard in April when he cut his dick off and jumped off of a balcony, because he was missing his daughters and started reading about vasectomies. A few weeks later, Christ Bearer claimed that doctors were able to re-attach his dick and I thought that would be the last we heard of his Franken-cock. But TMZ talked to a crazed Christ Bearer on the street in Long Beach, CA yesterday and he promises that his Franken-cock is back in working order and he’ll prove to everyone that it still has the ability to fuck by doing a porn. Christ Bearer needs to define the word “work,” because I watched the John Wayne Bobbitt porn and his stitched-together soggy Vienna sausage dick looked about as sad as a kid waiting for his parents in the pick-up area an hour after school let out. It hardly “worked.” TMZ asked Christ Bearer if his peen can still perform and he dribbled out this stream of ridiculousness:
Does it work?!? Can Chris Brown dance? Can Kanye West rant? Can Jay Z fight off a trick?
Christ Bearer also finally admitted that he wasn’t just under the influence of weed and sadness when he chopped his dick off. He was high on PCP. Desperate Lives, the piece of TV gold that taught me everything I know about PCP, taught me that if I snort that bad shit, I’ll throw myself out of a window like Helen Hunt and go “weee” when I drive my car off of a cliff, but it didn’t teach me that I’ll also take a knife to my peen. They should reboot Desperate Lives and include that very necessary piece of information.
Steve Hirsch of Vivid Entertainment is a lukewarm glob of smegma of an asshole who released a necrophilia porn (see: Farrah Abraham’s porn), so of course he’s interested in putting Christ Bearer in one of his movies. But Steve needs to make sure Christ Bearer’s down low parts work first.
Here’s Christ Bearer ranting to TMZ:
Dude is obviously still high on that PCP shit and having major hallucinations. Because he actually believes that people want to see his patch work dick. Who the hell wants to see Christ Bearer awkwardly shove his chewed-up, can’t-get-hard morning sausage dick into a trick’s vagina? Who wants to see that? Actually, I kind of want to see that. And yeah, I’d probably find a way to fap to that. Dignity is not something I know.
Last month, some of us hos who didn’t know who Christ Bearer was learned who Christ Bearer was when he fucked up his chances of ever getting grapefruited by cutting his peen off before jumping off of an apartment balcony in L.A. Christ Bearer (born name: Andre Johnson) is all healed now and he tells TMZ why he Lorena Bobbitt’d himself and his explanation makes about as much sense as cutting your dick off does. The only reasonable reason to take a butcher knife to your peen is if you just had bareback sex with Parasite Hilton. That’s not Christ Bearer’s reason.
Christ Bearer says that he was feeling extra low that night, because he couldn’t see his two daughters due to a restraining order that was placed against him by his estranged piece who’s also knocked up with his third kid. Christ Bearer says that he smoked some weed (and by “smoked some weed,” I’m guessing he means “smoked all the PCP“) and started reading about monks and vasectomies, which gave him ideas. Obviously, while reading about vasectomies, Christ Bearer didn’t read the definition of vasectomy, because he cut off his dick instead of cutting off his nuts. He didn’t say why he jumped off that balcony, but you know, jumping off of a balcony is kind of a natural reaction to realizing that you just cut off your dick.
The good news is that despite TMZ saying that doctors couldn’t re-attach his dick, Johnson’s got his johnson back. Plastic surgeon’s were able to sew his peen back on and yes, it hates him and will never forgive him for this, but it’s fully functional.
As for Christ Bearer’s mental state, he answered that question when TMZ asked him about his future with Wu-Tang and he said, “I am the fucking Wu Tang.” That answers that.
It’s a Good Friday GIFT!
In case you haven’t already printed these out and papered your bedroom ceiling with them like I’m doing, here’s Kenny Brain, former HSOTD and the bearded gay ginger model from Big Brother Canada, with his fire pubes and dick out. The pics are Grindr-style (aka headless) but the tattoos match and I want to believe that Kenny Brain’s got a dick that’ll make you call in sick to work and not care that you get fired. A dick that’ll make you hand over your debit card and password.
I am trying to ignore that crotch tattoo that looks like something you’d find on the pendant worn by a trust fund PR girl who thinks she’s spiritual and shit. And at this point you’re probably screaming at me to shut my goddamn fingers already and get to the dick, so if you’re in a place where big, beautiful dicks are frowned upon and are considered NSFW, then put this on before clicking HERE and HERE. I hope dudes flopping their soft dicks on the sink like it’s a sea cucumber becomes a new thing. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have more Kenny Brain dick pics to paste to my ceiling.
UPDATE: Thanks to everyone who told me Kenny Brain’s crotch tattoo means “big” in Chinese. No comment.