The Rolling Stones Have Postponed Their North American Tour So Mick Jagger Can Get Medical Treatment
Normally-very-spry elderly person Mick Jagger, 75, is sick so his band The Rolling Stones have had to postpone their upcoming North American tour, according to Rolling Stone. The Stones reportedly have a combined age of 294. No one is saying give it up but maybe preserve those so far unbroken hips by simplifying things a little with some acoustic guitars and perhaps some stools to sit upon.
Thank the Goddess above for all these aging music people. Old people in general have zero fucks to give and aren’t afraid to let the youngins have it. Old musicians who are pickled with a combination of Ecstasy residue and 70s vodka have a special brand of zero fuckery, and lately it’s been playing out in the press. While Quincy Jones read everyone to filth (including Taylor Swift), he eventually walked it back. Luckily for us, Keith Richards is here to pick up where Quincy left off (including on Taylor Swift)! Continue reading
Unless Janet Jackson gives birth before the year is over and names her baby Concepción Cristal Alexis, Mick Jagger and his young piece of a girlfriend Melanie Hamrick will take the Celebrity Baby Naming crown for 2016.
73-year-old Mick Jagger became a father for the eighth time last week when his 29-year-old ballerina girlfriend Melanie Hamrick gave birth to their baby boy. One might think that Melanie would keep it all-the-way real by naming her baby D.S. Jagger (Dollar Sign Jagger) and that Mick would go along with it since he’s not going to remember the name anyway. I mean, he’s got the names of a thousand other kids, grandkids and a great-grandkid to remember. I’m glad they didn’t do that, because the name they gave their child is so flawless that it makes me wish that in my next life I will come back as one of Mick Jagger’s spawn so I can say that I’m directly related to someone with a magnificent name. Mick Jagger and his unstoppable sperm fish are going to live to be 1,000, so my wish may come true.
The Mirror says that Mick’s daughter Elizabeth Jagger posted a picture on Instagram of her littlest brother along with his name. (She later deleted that post). Without further ado, Mick and Melanie reportedly named their baby:
Deveraux Octavian Basil!!!!!!
Mick Jagger has probably spent a giant chunk of his adult life wet humping and raw dog boning any and everything, so there may be Jagger spawn spread all over the world. That may explain why my Ancestry.com results revealed that I’ve got about 0.89% Jagger blood in me. But as far as we know, Mick was a dad to seven kids and now an eighth human gets to call him their father.
The next time The Rolling Stones do another big tour, the dressing rooms will be filled with more whining, slobbering and cries for a diaper change than usual. 69-year-old picked zombie Ronnie Wood welcomed a double bundle of baby into his life just a couple of months ago. And now, Mick Jagger’s 72-year-old baby-making parts are feeling real proud of themselves today, because they still got the stuff that can knock a trick up.
It feels like forever since we’ve heard anything about Taylor Swift’s “Please welcome to the stage” posse (and by forever, I of course mean 0.3 seconds, which is 10 years in Taylor Swift attention-needing time). During a show in Nashville on Saturday night, Taylor made the dreams come true of all the dads who were dragged there by their 13-year-old daughters by please-welcome-to-the-stage’ing Mick Jagger. Mick crawled on stage to sing “Satisfaction“, which is totally Tay Tay’s favorite Britney song to sing into her hair brush. If you want to see what it would look like if someone accidentally changed the factory setting on a Gabbigale doll to “awkwardly sexy“, here you go:
Mick fucking brought it; he was wiggling around on stage like a hyperactive puggle who just heard someone say “cookies“. Tay Tay, on the other hand. Eesh. Taylor was like a quilt on pain killers. Girl, you have to match your partner’s energy!
Or maybe she is just so fucking over this shit, since her whole weekend was filled with welcoming new squad friends to the stage. Joining Mick on Saturday was Leona Lewis, who sang “Bleeding Love” with Tay Tay, and on Friday she brought out Alison Krauss, Kelsea Ballerini, and Steven Tyler, who sang “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing.”
You know that immediately after seeing this picture, Tay Tay turned to her cat Meredith Grey and was like “Oh my god, she couldn’t even be bothered to brush her hair? Doesn’t she know who she was singing with? Demote her to 3rd tier girl squad status.“