Prolific poet Ludacris once said, “I’ve got hoes, in different area codes (area, area codes..codes).” Well, 84-year-old Quincy Jones is living that piece of eloquent prose and has even taken it international.
Quincy did an interview with Chris Heath for GQ, and it’s a wild, messy ride (like the scene after Quincy and his 22 pieces have a group meet-up) from start to finish. Horny Ole’ Q gets into how he bought drugs from Malcom X , turned down Marilyn Monroe (uh huh), watched Ray Charles shoot heroin into his own nutsack (Ray’s not Quincy’s), always thought Elvis was a shit singer and was supposed to be at Sharon Tate’s house the night of the Manson Family Murders. (Why does every celebrity from the late-60s have a story about how they were supposed to be at Sharon Tate’s house that night?).
Quincy doesn’t only talk about the past, he talks about the now too, like how he hates Taylor Swift’s songs and how he’s got the United Nations of pepaw dicks.
But before we get to the part about how Quincy is a humongous slut and probably eats so much Viagra that his grandpa boner could break a brick in two, here’s his thoughts about Taylor Swift. During a conversation about today’s music, Quincy said that he’s a fan of Kendrick Lamar, Bruno Mars, Drake, Jennifer Hudson and Mary J. Blige. When Chris brought up Taylor Swift, Quincy made a sour face and said that she doesn’t write songs.
Chris: You really have 22 girlfriends?
Q: Hell yeah. Everywhere. Cape Town. Cairo. Stockholm—she’s coming in next week. Brazil—Belo Horizonte, São Paulo, and Rio. Shanghai—got a great girl over there from Shanghai, man. Cairo, whew.
Chris: They all know about each other?
Q: Yeah, I don’t lie. And it’s amazing—women get it, man. Don’t you ever forget they’re 13 years smarter than we are. Don’t you ever forget it.
Chris: Can I ask how old the youngest one is, and the oldest one?
Q: Well, my daughters gave me new numbers, because they kept saying, ‘Dad, you can’t go out with girls younger than us.’ I said, ‘Y’all are not young anymore.…’ So the new numbers are 28 to 42. They gave them to me
Quincy’s wrinkled ass peen is busy, and you know who is else is probably really busy? Quincy’s business manager, because I’m sure they have to send rent checks to his girlfriend’s landlords all over the world.
Chris asked Quincy if he’d ever get with a woman his age, and he barfed on the inside before farting out this mess:
“Why not??? Why? For what, man? There’s nothing…there’s no upside. You gotta be kidding. I got me some technology out there”—he gestures to the mansion’s perimeter—”that keep fat and old away from here. Buzzes if they’re too old. But you’d be surprised.… These women, the young ones, are aggressive now. Oh my God, they’re fearless, man. All over the world.”
Quincy doesn’t need technology to keep out “fat and old” women. All he has to do is hang naked pictures of himself on the perimeter of his mansion. That will definitely keep out the “fat and old” women, because it’d keep out all living things that have eyes that can see.
Quincy must’ve known that his words about his dick being allergic to fat oldies would get hate, because before his GQ interview even came out, he tweeted this:
— Quincy Jones (@QuincyDJones) January 18, 2018
I would’ve loved to see the original draft of that apology. “I have nothing but respect, admiration and love for women and all that their essence encompasses… unless their essence is curdled from being old. Yuck!”
Finally, Quincy told a story about Michael Jackson and Prince. He’s told it before, but I’ve never heard it. In 1983, James Brown did a show in L.A., and both Michael Jackson and Prince took the stage to perform for bit. MJ sang a few phrases, while Prince busted out moves, got topless and ended up falling off the stage, taking a lamp post with him. MJ got footage of Prince falling, and Prince threatened to kill MJ if it got out there (it eventually did). After the show, MJ claims that Prince tried to run his ass over in a limousine.
Chris: He spoke to Michael after the show?
Q: Oh yeah, he spoke to him. He waited in the limousine to try and run over him and La Toya and his mother.
Chris: How do you know Prince was trying to run him over?
Q: He knew. Michael knows shit. He was there. He said that was his intention.
Chris: Michael told you that?
Can’t you just picture little old Prince driving a big ass limousine with rage in his eyes? Could he even reach the pedal? Or did he operate the pedal with his cane?
I hope God doesn’t hear about that story. Because if God does, Prince will get a knock on his VIP suite up in Heaven, and he’ll be escorted to the express elevator marked “Directly To Hell” for trying to run over earth angel La Toya Jackson!
You can read the rest of Quincy’s interview with GQ here. No, Quincy doesn’t get into any details about watching Ray Charles shooting heroin into his balls. Isn’t the visual sad enough?!