Macaulay Culkin went from massive child star to kind-of a weirdo that you’re reminded still exists every holiday season when someone slips Home Alone into the DVD player. But he seems fine with that. However, there was a moment in time when he could have gone from child star to weirdo to multi-millionaire CBS sitcom actor. The only thing stopping him was himself.
Mila Kunis and Macaulay Culkin were together from 2002 to 2011, starting when he was 21 and she was 18. The most obvious reason was that their relationship ended the day Macaulay decided to start living as a human cigarette. Apparently Macauley had nothing to do with it, and it was all Mila’s shitty behavior.
The Daily Mail posted a pap pic of seriously-eyebrowed model Cara Delevigne, 25, kissing up on Michael Jackson’s daughter Paris Jackson, 19, outside of Los Angeles steakhouse Carlito’s on Thursday night. Reportedly on a double date with Paris’ godfather Macaulay Culkin, Cara and Paris, who met at last year’s MTV Movie Awards, smooched outside and did a cute little paparazzi-lurin’ dance. This might seem to confirm the rumors that they’ve been dating. But, nay, People quotes a source (I’m guessing Gramma Katherine Jackson because she probably clutched the pearls and died twice when saw the pics) as saying they’re not.
Four years ago, Macaulay Culkin prompted stage parents with morals everywhere to step back and rethink their decision to push their kids into show business when he was photographed walking around New York looking like a humanoid crack rock. The National Enquirer claimed they knew the reason for why Macaulay looked like someone who would volunteer to help Harry and Marv rob houses just for the medicine cabinet access, and it was DRUGS! Specifically, that he was addicted to heroin. They claimed Macaulay was in a really bad place after his break-up with Mila Kunis, and he was spending $6,000 a month on heroin and pills.
Despite the fact that he was once arrested for possession of weed and pills, Macaulay denies the Enquirer’s drug shopping spree rumors. Macaulay tells The Guardian that he never spent his residual checks from The Pagemaster and Wish Kid on the hardest of drugs. He also slapped at the Enquirer for pretending to care about why he looked so tore up.
“Were people right to be worried? Not necessarily. Of course, when silly stuff is going on – but no, I was not pounding six grand of heroin every month or whatever. The thing that bugged me was tabloids wrapping it all in this weird guise of concern. No, you’re trying to shift papers. Is there a story there he might want to tell one day, on his own terms? Perhaps.”
Macaulay also talks about what he’s been doing lately (that pizza band, nothing). And he would have talked about his friendship with Michael Jackson, but The Guardian says his lawyers wouldn’t let him.
So Kevin McCallister doesn’t outright deny that he was chasing the cheese pizza back in 2012 when those pictures were taken; he only says he wasn’t spending $6k a month. “Perhaps” that will be one of the things he elaborates on if he ends up fulfilling his former child star-turned-mess destiny by writing a tell-all. “Listen, people said I was spending 6 grand on drugs, but honestly, it was more like 2, 2 and a half, tops.” Or maybe he was buying drugs, but not for himself. After all, he was living with walking needle Pete Doherty around that time, and Pete definitely seems like the type who would prefer rent be paid in drugs rather than money. You know, just to save him a trip outside.
For the new YouTube show :DRYVRS, Macaulay Culkin gave us a sort-of sequel to the Home Alone movies by re-telling the story as a grown and fucked-up Kevin McCallister. The deep, bloody gashes left on Kevin’s soul from his cold-hearted family forgetting about him never healed and he goes on about how the whole thing traumatized him. As a kid whose family “accidentally” left his ass at a rest step outside of the American-Mexican border in the 80s, I have always felt Kevin McCallister’s pain.
In the episode, Kevin’s wife Anna (A shout out to Anna Chlumsky?) is an Uber-like driver and when he has to fill in her for her because she got so coked up, he ends up telling his passenger the dark tale about how he had to fight off home invaders after his shitty family went on vacation without him.
That’s exactly how Kevin McCallister would end up. He’d totally grow up to be an unhinged, greasy, chain-smoking, Faces of Meth poster boy who only feels happiness when he slowly tortures criminals. I mean, your family forgetting about you once will mess you up, and your family forgetting about you twice will turn you inside/out. I bet that Dexter’s dad forgot about him a couple of times and that’s the real reason why he was the way he was.
And the only way this could’ve been better is if we found out that his wife Anna was Buzz’s girlfriend. Woof.
Ugh, you know you’re a an asshole when you’re able to make pizza look bad. Seriously, how is that even possible? I’m a dickmatized-by-Domino’s low-standards pizza slut, and even I want nothing to do with this group of hipster pizza wankers. And according to NME, I’m not alone. On Sunday night, Macaulay Culkin and his band The Pizza Underground (which is a pizza-themed Velvet Underground cover band, so I’m guessing that falls under the ‘Trust Fund’ genre of music) were performing at the Dot to Dot festival in Nottingham, England. After just one song, the crowd started booing, and since this happened in Nottingham, England, I’d like to imagine they all sounded like the old woman from The Princess Bride.
But they didn’t only boo at Macaulay Culkin’s Rock-afire Rip-off. They also threw beer. Typical! Just when you think you found a wholesome group of boo-having haters, they end up crushing your heart into a million pieces by wasting precious beer. After being pelted with pints of beer, Macaulay told the crowd: “Why are you throwing those? I’d rather drink them!” But I guess booze is like coke in the UK, where it flows from the taps, because they kept throwing beer. 3 songs and 15 minutes later, The Pizza Underground called it a day and stormed off stage.
I don’t care how insufferably hipstery The Pizza Underground is, and believe me it is, but something about hating on pizza feels wrong. It’s not pizza’s fault it got dragged into this mess. Plus, to waste beer like that is a damn shame, and I don’t even like beer; but I like getting drunk, and anything that can get you next-level drunk and forget about your troubles should be cherished, not whipped at Thomas J. from My Girl.