E! News says that the director of Crazy Rich Asians, Jon M. Chu, has responded to allegations by Brenda Song that she was considered not “Asian enough” for the movie and wasn’t allowed to audition. And now we know, it’s because he stanned Maddie Fitzpatrick, not London Tipton. Just kidding, it seems that Jon M. Chu just didn’t want her for the lead role.
A few years ago, we, as a people, braced ourselves for the arrival of a Cyrus centaur baby when the Internet farted up a rumor that one of Mickey Mouse’s former hos, Brenda Song, had rode Trace Cyrus bareback-style and got knocked up. A quick minute after that rumor came out, Brenda Song’s mother supposedly told Star Magazine that her daughter’s uterus wasn’t filled with a fetus. Pictures came out of Brenda Song looking a little pregnant-ey, so some figured that her mother was in denial about being bound to the crazy ass Cyrus family forever. We were all preparing ourselves for a world where Trace Cyrus is somebody’s father, but then Brenda was papped crying while coming home from the hospital and it was reported that she miscarried. Trace broke up with Brenda a few months later. Brenda hasn’t said anything about the pregnancy rumors until now.
Recently, Brenda dusted off the old ass rumor and decided to talk about it on Instagram. She posted a note where she said that she was never knocked up and she never had a miscarriage. Brenda apologized for not shutting down the lies earlier. I’m not sure why she’s doing it now? I guess her attention spot needed itching. But not only was it scratched, it was shanked by Trace. After Brenda’s note went up, Trace called her out and accused her of making up the lies. Hell hath no fury like a tattooed rabid emo pony scorned. via Just Jared
The note was deleted after Trace spit up those fightin’ words at her.
ESCANDALO! That is some Gone Girl meets first season of Glee meets General Hospital shit. Faking a pregnancy is one thing, but faking a pregnancy so that Trace Cyrus will stay with you? Trace must seriously be horse hung and his dick must have the power to make chicks go insane, because damn. The most surprising part of all of this is that they didn’t stay together. Brenda seems crazy and Trace seems crazy, so they’re pretty much a match in crazy bitch heaven.
Brenda Song and Trace Cyrus’ love was shuffled off to the glue factory last summer after 2 years of humping, but she hasn’t given up on their love and has taken the advice of her riding coach: when you fall off that horse, get back on and keep riding. Tish Cyrus’ love child with an undead horse from Red Dead Redemption posted this picture of him and Brenda Song on Instagram (via ONTD) with the note: “I wanna tell the world about u just so they can get jealous.“
Jealousy is definitely the emotion we’re all feeling toward Brenda Song. I mean, Brenda Song gets to lick on Trace Cyrus’ sideburn tattoo and you don’t. Brenda Song gets to rub herself on Trace Cyrus’ water damage newspaper of a body and you don’t. Brenda Song gets to once again spend her holidays sharing a box of Corn Pops with Billy Ray Cyrus while Noah Cyrus pole dances in the corner and you don’t. And more importantly, Brenda Song gets to use that electronic dildo/bong thing (that’s what it is and don’t try to tell me otherwise) in the background of that picture and you don’t. That electronic dildo/bong thing is probably the only reason why Brenda Song came back.
Here’s Brenda Song looking really excited about being back in the saddle while leaving a gym in L.A. the other day.
The meaning of true love is already on the dirty bathroom floor, crying into a half-empty bottle of Strawberry Hill after hearing that Zac Efron and pro beard-in-training Lily Collins broke up and now its going to bawl all of its internal organs out once it hears that the prized steed of the Cyrus family, Trace Cyrus, is no longer rearing on top of Brenda Song. There will be no double Cyrus wedding, because Trace told People that he’s not going to ride off into the sunset with Brenda. As Brenda’s mom Mai Song thanked the gods above the clouds for rebuking the craving for Emo pony peen from her daughter’s being, Trace had this to say about their break-up:
“Brenda and I have decided to go our separate ways. We split up a couple of months ago. We will continue to focus on our careers.”
Seriously, if you’ve ever wanted to see a Thai mother pop her pussy on her front lawn, go to Mai Song’s house right now, because no doubt she’s celebrating being free from those Cyrus crazies forever.
But Brenda is going to regret letting go out of Trace’s lead rope. Brenda will have to find a new moonshine supplier and where else will she find a hot piece who is such a bad ass motherfucker that he has TWO feather drop tattoos. Those feather drops tattoos obviously represent the two canaries he took out. Yes, Trace is that bad. DanRad, you know you want to get on that while it’s hot.
Brenda Song is keeping her lips shut to public ears about whether or not her uterus is playing the lullaby version of the Mr. Ed theme song, but her now fiance Trace Cyrus is telling the world that the wedding march version of the Mr. Ed theme song will soon play in the Cyrus stables, because they’re getting mare-eeeeeed! It’s as Peter Shaffer rewrote Equus and gave it the happy ending it really deserves. The emo scarecrow let this out on Twitter today:
I am very excited to say, last week I asked my girlfriend Brenda Song to marry me and she said YES! We are both very excited to be engaged!
The thing about horse’s being hung must be true, because why else would Brenda willingly marry into a fucked up family that is more horrifying than the Texas Chainsaw Massacre family. I mean, at Thanksgiving she’ll have Billy Ray on one side smacking on Corn Pops while he has a staring contest with her nipples and on the other side she’ll have Noah Cyrus singing a Peaches song in between gnawing on a neck bone. But Brenda obviously liked it enough to put a rein on it, so congrats to her! And I, for one, can’t wait for Mai Song’s dramatic A STAIN ON THIS HORSE monologue about this mess.
Brenda Song’s mother, Mai Song, performed an Auntie Lindo-like monologue for Radar last week when she said that she did not raise her daughter to fully give in to the temptations of the Cyrus beast and that gentle neighing that’s tickling the hairs in your ears is not coming from any of of her kins’ wombs. I believed Mai Song at the time, because a Thai mother never lies. I only say that last part, because my friend’s Thai mother once told me that my thigh fat spread too much when I sit down. I was 9. She was right. BUT WAIT! Brenda Song put leather booties on her graffiti skeleton pony and took him for a quick gallop around the mall in Sherman Oaks, CA.
Now, my ass isn’t calling Mai Song a total lie maker, but if I distracted Trace Cyrus with a bushel of crab apples and dropped a baby carrot in front of Brenda, “surprise” would not be an emotion I would feel if a half-Asian anime pony galloped out. But then again, it’s a well known that fact that when a bitch dresses like Snooki, she looks like she has the build of Snooki too.
Mai Song would never lie to all of our faces…um…laptop screens, so let’s just choose to believe her truth. But the minute you see a ball of teeth coming out of Brenda’s cooch, book that Flicka fucka on bestiality charges and call it a day.