Queer mafia leader Ryan Murphy better get down on his knees and thank Gay Jesus, because his #1 star is returning to the show that made him great. Variety reports that, during the TCA summer press tour on Friday, American Horror Story’s second-in-command Sarah Paulson announced that Jessica Lange would be returning to the show for its eighth season, AHS: Apocalypse. She’ll be reprising her role as Season One’s nosy neighbor and grandmother of evil, Constance Langdon. So we won’t get the classic “knotty pinnnnneeee?!?!“, but we might get withering put-downs to ghost maids and burnt people. Good enough!
Lange was the star attraction for the hit series’ first four seasons. She played the nasty neighbor in AHS: Murder House, the tragically evil nun who was always spanking people in AHS: Asylum, the cocaine-snorting and youth-sucking Supreme witch in AHS: Coven, and she bowed out in the fourth season AHS: Freak Show after starring as the overly-dramatic double amputee proprietress of the show, Elsa Mars. Bitch worked.
They tried to distract from her absence in the fifth season, AHS: Hotel, with a monosyllabic Lady Gaga, but that never works. Just ask the Superbowl. I kid…sort of. Listen, she faked that jump and I’ve never forgiven her!
So far it sounds like she’s only returning for one episode, which will also be directed by American Horror Story’s chameleonic Sarah Paulson. This upcoming season of AHS: Apocalypse premieres on September 8, and will reportedly be a crossover between Murder House and Coven. No, they obliquely dealt with the Trump presidency last season. This season looks like it will answer the question of what happened to the toddler Antichrist that Lange’s character was raising at the end of Murder House. Evan Peters, Kathy Bates, Adina Porter, Billie Lourde, Billy Eichner, Leslie Grossman, and Cheyenne Jackson will all be returning as well.
Oh, wait, and JOAN COLLINS is joining the cast! JOAN ALEXIS MORELL COLBY CARRINGTON COLLINS! Do you think…could they…would they…pit Jessica Lange against Joan Collins? Apocalypse, schmocalypse; that would be the damn Rapture coming to lift us all to the soaring heights of Heaven, and then maybe higher.