Nick Jonas, and now Chris Hemsworth, I guess, need to step up their gay baiting antics if they want to keep up with master gay baiter J.K. Rowling who has been trolling fans with man wizard-on-man wizard action for over a decade. J.K. said in 2007 that Dumbledore is gay. And while promoting their movie Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald last year, both Jude Law (who plays young Dumbledore) and Ezra Miller talked about the gayness of Dumbledore with Ezra saying that the movie makes his sexuality explicitly clear because he sees his secret lovah Grindewald (played by Johnny Depp in lazy Billy Idol cosplay) in a mirror (????). And now J.K Rowling is here to troll us some more by saying in so many words that Dumbledore has definitely grinded his dick against Grindewald’s brown sugar walls before.
Is anyone else suddenly picturing Elisabeth Moss covered in a boatload of scarves and accessories from Claire’s while sporting questionable dental hygiene? Johnny Depp is super-busy trying to pry $50 million out of Aquaman’s girlfriend’s pocketbook so he doesn’t have a lot of time to act in movies anymore. Hence the news that plucky Scientologist Moss might be replacing him as the main attraction in Universal’s upcoming Invisible Man, according to Variety.
That Rolling Stone interview from last year gave me the impression that Johnny Depp’s closest friends are his legal team (and any random journalists who happen to stop by for a chat). Now I’m pretty sure I’m right because he’s just filed a wild $50 million lawsuit against his ex-wife Amber Heard. In it he states that Amber’s claims of domestic abuse are all just “an elaborate hoax to generate positive publicity” for herself. The suit is pinned to claims Amber made in a December, 2018 Op-Ed for The Washington Post. Johnny also dragged Elon Musk into this mess by claiming he and Amber started their relationship a month after they were married, and that Elon was at their house, creeping in and out of the penthouse elevator, the night he and Amber got into a fight over a postnuptial agreement. Johnny says that fight led to Amber throwing a vodka bottle at him, which resulted in him having to have his finger “surgically reattached”. Just when we all finished treatment for the smoke inhalation we suffered from during their train wreck of a divorce, Johnny is bringing it back. Grab your oxygen masks!
It’s been 11 months and 21 days since Johnny Depp and Amber Heard’s divorce was finalized after what felt like decades of tabloid drama. But sadly, just because they are no longer married doesn’t mean we’re free from hearing the most intimate details of their hideous relationship. Johnny is currently suing The Sun for defamation over an April 2008 story which called him a “wife-beater” (the original headline read “How can J.K. Rowling be ‘genuinely happy’ casting wife-beater Johnny Depp in the new Fantastic Beasts film?”). As such, a 471-page deposition is being examined for proof that Johnny abused his wife. The poor clerk who has to work in the courthouse where their divorce records are stored has probably been waiting to take her lunch break since 2016. Can somebody please at least let a bitch step out for a sandwich! According to The Hollywood Reporter, we now know that the couple referred to Johnny as “The Monster” when he was in a mood, and Amber was afraid of him.
Today’s “Not all heroes wear capes” award goes to Shane MacGowan, messy lead singer of The Pogues, and official nominee for the Keeping it Real Hall of Fame (if he’s not already in there with his own exhibit).
At the 2001 Oscars, Björk laid a swan egg on the red carpet. The baby swan in that egg is now grown up and looks like this. Feel old yet?