Johnny Depp is broker than a motherfucker. So broke in fact, as we know too well, that he’s suing his former business managers for $25 million dollars. His suit claims that the firm, TMG, never warned him that he needed “slow his roll,” that they loaned $10 million dollars to third parties without his knowledge, failed to pay his taxes for him, made him sell his house in France, didn’t get him the pony he asked for last Christmas, and for generally being big stinky meanie heads.
Johnny Depp must have received a very frantic call from his manager (or the marketing team at Disney who would like very much to get another decent box office weekend out of Pirates of the Caribbean 5) urging him to use his damp swamp bog mouth to say he’s sorry. Or maybe he didn’t like the thought of an unmarked van full of Secret Service trailing behind him on his next scarf run. Whatever the reason, Johnny has issued an apology for joking about assassinating Trump at the Glastonbury Festival yesterday.
“I apologize for the bad joke I attempted last night in poor taste about President Trump. It did not come out as intended, and I intended no malice. I was only trying to amuse, not to harm anyone.”
The last time Johnny issued a public apology for something, he later made fun of his apology. If he does that this time, I doubt he’ll be so obvious about it. Like, maybe he’ll bring up those recently rediscovered pictures of Trump playing tennis in some extremely unflattering white shorts. “You know, the next time I want to make a joke at Trump’s expense, I should take notes from those shorts. Because they are extremely amusing.”
Johnny Depp has made it no secret that he likes Donald Trump about as much as personal grooming and selling his fancy rich people things. Johnny made fun of Trump in a 50-minute parody of The Art Of The Deal for Funny or Die last year, and again on Ellen. He came for Trump again last night, and this time, it may have caused the Secret Service to open up a file on him (if they haven’t already).
As we’ve all heard, Johnny Depp is in the middle of a lawsuit with his former business managers at The Management Group, and the only thing both sides can agree on is that his current financial situation is as messy as he looks. Johnny is suing TMG for $25 million for mismanaging his money and committing fraud by taking out loans in his name without permission. TMG is countersuing Johnny for breach of contract. TMG also blames’ Johnny’s money woes on him spending $2 million a month on shit like $30,000 worth of wine. Deadline says that TMG filed documents that they say proves that Johnny knew he was losing money fast and that they warned him that he needed to curb the spending or his cash problems would get shittier than the skid marks in his boxers.
The Real Star Of The Trailer For “Murder On The Orient Express” Is Kenneth Branagh’s Magnificent Silver Stache And Pussy Patch
Poirot purists (Poirists?) are screaming blasphemy today, because the trailer for the new Murder on the Orient Express movie is out and Kenneth Branagh’s ridiculous Poirot look is all wrong. While I love Kenneth Branagh’s grey Wilford Brimley-on-roids mustache and the porn star grandma’s crotch patch on his chin, many don’t. Some Agatha Christie fans don’t want a Poirot not named David Suchet, let alone a Poirot who looks like a shapeshifting human who is about 5% into shapeshifting into a fluffy grey cat. I guess some can’t appreciate a stache that looks like two streams of hairy snot coming out of a nose.
Based on the trailer, the plot of Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales is about Johnny Depp, playing the character of Captain Johnny Depp, facing off against Javier Bardem as a character named Captain Armando Salazar. But according to a blog post by PotC:DMTNT co-writer Terry Rossio (via Screen Rant), Javier Bardem’s villain character was originally written as a woman. And the reason that character is no longer a lady is because Johnny Depp didn’t want it that way.