Johnny Depp has finally caught a break, and no I’m not about to tell you the story of him cracking one of his more rotten teeth after trying to uncork a $2000 bottle of red wine with his mouth. After more than a year and a half of fighting, accusations, and rumors of ridiculous spending, Johnny has settled his lawsuit against his former business managers of The Management Group.
I know that the “Assault? Did he look at his face? Cause it sure is killing me” jokes write themselves when it comes to Johnny Depp. But this assault is the kind that is causing one more problem for Johnny’s already overworked lawyers. In May it was reported that Johnny had allegedly attacked a location manager during the filming of his latest film City of Lies. That location manager has recently decided to sue him.
Johnny Depp and his former business managers at The Management Group (TMG) are currently deep in several lawsuits. Johnny has sued them, accusing them of secretly spending his cash and leaving him with nothing. TMG is suing Johnny, saying it’s his own fault for going broke.
We’ve only really heard Johnny’s side of things through leaked legal documents, but Johnny recently sat down for a 72-hour interview with Rolling Stone at his home in London to clear the air. Metaphorically, of course; even the strongest air purifiers are no match for whatever is lingering on Johnny Depp.
Despite walking around looking like a festively scarfed cadaver, Johnny Depp is doing just fine. A source tells Us Weekly that he’s lost weight on purpose. He’s on the Johnny D diet (it’s the one where you replace all calories with cigarettes) to stay in fighting shape for his band Hollywood Vampires’ rigorous touring schedule. So yes, he is thinner but he’s perfectly healthy, thanks for asking.
Johnny Depp must have seen those pictures of Jet Li looking 12 kinds of feeble, turned to Alice Cooper and said, “hold my beer”. And Alice said, “Johnny, mate, you’re not holding a beer. That’s a lit cigarette and we’re in the middle of a set, what the fuck are you talking about?”. Johnny’s on tour with Hollywood Vampires, a spooky band of undead rockers that, in its current iteration, includes Johnny, Alice Cooper, Joe Perry and a couple of other middle-aged dudes I don’t recognize who appear to share the same tin of black shoe polish to dye their hair with. So far they’ve played Russia and Germany. Johnny’s hasn’t shied away from taking plenty of photos with fans but folks, he’s not looking so hot.
I could mean a lot of things by that headline. I could mean that a drunken Johnny Depp got into a fight with his earpiece after his assistant fed him the line, “Fuck you, asshole,” and Johnny thought that bitch ass earpiece was talking to him. I could also mean that a drunken Johnny Depp got into a fight with a shrub after thinking that shifty shrub looked at him funny. And I could mean that a drunken Johnny Depp tried to punch a crew member. This time, I’m talking about the third one.