Category: I Can’t With Myself

Miley Cyrus Instagrammed Pictures Of Her Wrist Gash Because She’s Miley Cyrus

December 13, 2014 / Posted by:

Seen above looking like a chipmunk Dennis the Menace, Miley Cyrus is in the hospital AGAIN and surprisingly she isn’t in the hospital because she was forced into quarantine by the health department after sucking on Wonky McValtrex’s mouth muscle of nast.

TMZ says that Miley checked into the hospital yesterday after suffering some kind of wrist injury (I’m going with fap session gone wrong) and since Billy Ray’s child is the Patron Saint of Too Much Fucking Information, she Instagrammed pictures of her gaping gash. We’ve seen Miley’s nipples and have pretty much seen her cooter lips, so why not look at her flesh? The pictures of Miley’s cut open wrist don’t really gross me out, because I lived through those heave-worthy pictures of her strangling her albino beaver for Uncle Terry. I’m fully desensitized.

Miley also spent some time adding a dose of WTF to her gash picture with the help of Photoshop, because when you’re laid up in a hospital bed and riding high on a wave of painkillers, what else do you have to do? I have to say that I’m a little jealous of the doctors and nurses. Because when they opened up her cut all the way, they probably got a good high from inhaling the cloud of weed that escaped out of her body.

Pics: Instagram

The Sexiest Convicted Felon Wants Everyone To Know That He’s Not Living That Thug Life Anymore

June 20, 2014 / Posted by:

As I said in today’s HSOTD post, the Internet nearly drowned in ten oceans of pussy milk and ass slobber yesterday when the mug shot of the sexiest felon Jeremy Meeks was posted on the Facebook page of the Stockton, CA police department. The picture of Jeremy’s Calvin Klein campaign-ready face has 63,000 which is just 1/100th of the number of clits that have tingled themselves into a coma over this panty creamer. Because this is the most important news story of our time, everybody, including CNN, is covering this and Sacramento’s ABC News 10 got the first EXCLUSIVO interview with the smoldering felon that Madge and JLo are probably fighting to bail out so he can be their next toy.

Jeremy was busted along with a bunch of other alleged gang members in a police raid. He’s sitting in jail on $900,000 bail and was charged with 5 felony charges for weapons and gang activity. Jeremy claims that he’s not living that Mi Vida Loca life anymore and he’s completely innocent. As thousands of thirsty, horny, shameless hos say to the screen, “I believe you, baby, I’ll wait for you. I will WAIT for you,” 30-year-old Jeremy said that he used to be a gang banger, but after spending 9 years in the clink for grand theft auto, he has found Jesus and cleaned up his ILLEGAL ways for the sake of his wife and son. Yeah, he’s married, so not only are you a future felon fucker, but you’re also a future home wrecker. Jeremy said he got that teardrop tattoo in prison for doing bad things. And as thousands of more thirsty, horny, shameless hos say to the screen, “Yeah, and you’ll have to get another tear drop tattoo when you tear up this pussy, motherfucker,” Jeremy says that he’s trying not to think about how his dreamboat felon smolder is making hos want to lie under oath. Jeremy just wants to get out of prison:

“I just visited with my wife and she said that I blew up Facebook. I appreciate that, but I just want you to know that this is really not me. I’m not some kingpin.”

Jeremy’s mom is really screaming about his innocence. She’s created a GoFundMe page and she’s trying to get $25,000 in donations to pay for her son’s defense. She’s only got a little under $400 so far. I know, if it was a GoFuckMe page, she probably would’ve hit that $25,000 and then some by now. Jeremy’s mom claims that teardrop tattoo is the reason why he got locked up again:

He has a job and … He was on his way to work. With no gang affiliations as per two of the charges. He has old tattoos..which causes him to be sterotyped. He’s my son and he is so sweet. Please help him to get a fair trial or else he’ll be railroaded.

No, you will not get a conjugal visit if you make a substantial donation to Jeremy’s defense. I already asked.

And here’s a picture of Jesse Williams’ thug look-alike with his wife. Your face is going to look so gorgeous pasted over his wife’s face.


Would You Hit It?

March 24, 2014 / Posted by:

Here’s certified douche and The Slow One’s piece Lord Scott Isadick struttin’ his ass through a Rite Aid parking lot in Calabasas, CA yesterday and either he stuffed a Pez dispenser in his waistband or that’s the outline of the dick that co-made the next generation of Kardashians that Pimp Mama Kris will pimp out. Yes, that could be a stunt peen molded after Khloe Kardashian’s klit since I’d like to believe that his peen is usually hiding up in his ass crack out of shame for spawning with a Kardashian, but I doubt it. That’s his peen. And yes, yes I would. I would. Don’t make me say it in a regular font size. I can’t. It’s only Monday and I’ve already admitted that I would with a Kartrashian’s ho. It usually takes me until at least Monday afternoon to eat rock bottom. Well, I guess it’s never too early to admit that I don’t love myself and I didn’t come equipped with standards.

Pics: Splash

“Heeeeeeeeeere’s Jesus!”

January 14, 2014 / Posted by:

Thanks to Uncle Terry and his man muse Jared Leto, you now know what it would look like if a hipster Jesus starred in a gay porn parody of The Shining. The hairy nipples and wet American Apparel chonies are really the stars of this pic.

Uncle Terry shat up these pictures on his Tumblr yesterday of Jordan Catalano looking like a greasy, coked up, mostly waxed Jesus in Tulum, Mexico. Never mind that Uncle Terry will shoot a close-up of a pore on a chick’s clit yet there’s a big white towel covering Jesus Jared’s “hurt like Satan” dick in almost all of these pictures, I still don’t know how it’s possible that Jared Leto is 42 years old. Jared Leto looks so damn young that even noted cradle robber Taylor Swift is trying to get on that. What is the secret to his youthful beauty? Does he maintain his youth by sacrificing a stolen newborn baby to Papa Legba ever year? Don’t even say that the fountain of youth is Uncle Terry’s dick and Jared keeps his youthful pretty intact by getting Uncle Terry jizz facials during their vacations together, because that’s obviously not true. I mean, Lindsay Lohan has probably been there, done that, swallowed it and smeared it and look at her.

Pics: Terry’s Diary

Who Worked It Better?

November 24, 2013 / Posted by:


I really deserve a double Alexis Carrington slap to both of my fucking face cheeks for even comparing that basic bitch Taylor Swift to the legendary SammyJo. Taylor Swift looks like a Dollar Tree broom going to a Halloween party as Sammy Jo Carrington. But really, when I saw Taylor Swift at the American Music Awards tonight, I got severe shades of Sammy Jo. The truth is, the comparison is not totally crazy, because Taylor Swift will probably end up marrying a gay dude and we all know that she’s kidnapped a white guy or two. But the biggest difference is that Taylor Swift could never bust out sweet, sweet, boner-inducing moves like these:

I know I post that clip way too often, but if I didn’t post it at least once every couple months, I’d probably wilt like a dick in front of Parasite Hilton’s pussy, because Sammy Jo dancing is life’s oxygen. And I know Taylor Swift is a boy trap who is the only 23-year-old on Earth who makes heart-shaped raspberry tarts in her Easy Bake Oven, but I have to give her credit for doing herself up like Sammy Jo. It’s best decision she’s ever made her in her life!

Pics: Wenn

Ke$ha’s Nalgas Made An Appearance At The Billboard Music Awards

May 19, 2013 / Posted by:

The number one question asked at the Billboard Music Awards tonight was, “Why does it smell like a spoiled chunk of gouda marinating in a dirty diaper on top of a subway platform in the middle of August?” And that’s because Ke$hit showed up with her ass hanging out.

The Garbage Pail Kids’ favorite pin-up ho actually looks like she was just deflead at the groomers. Yes, that skin-colored lipstick gave her abortion face and her ass cheeks are hanging out (which is a health department violation, I’m sure), but she actually looks clean-ish her. Bitch looks like a male Russian gymnast on estrogen going to a funeral and that IS the look.

And here’s some other tricks and tramps at the Billboard Music Awards tonight. In order after Ke$hit: Hell’s favorite couple, Hell’s second favorite couple, a broke down Harley Quinn, a block of Top Ramen at the ho shit prom, Psy, Justin Bieber’s former au pair (wearing a dress accessorized with glow sticks and bendy rubber rollers), Shania Twain, Taylor Swift, an Amish robot and something called a Z LaLa. 

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