— Herbal Elements (@HerbalColorado) April 12, 2014
If you haven’t already, now is the time to pack up everything of importance (in my case that would be a bag of Dortios and my collection of Rainbow Brite dolls) and move to Colorado, because once again have they earned the award for outstanding achievement in the field of stoner excellence by creating a vending machine that sells legal marijuana. Wait a second…what is this salty discharge leaking from my eyes? Oh god, am I crying?? Pass me a box of Kleenex, I think I’m having a moment.
According to The Cannabist, the ZaZZZ vending machine was created by American Green and is “an automated, age-verifying, climate-controlled marijuana dispensing machine.” One of the first ZaZZZ sightings has been at Montana’s Smokehouse in Avon, CO, which makes a ton of sense, since who wouldn’t want to get baked and eat a fuckload of pulled pork. And then eat a fuckload of ribs. And then take a nap. And then wake up from the dream you were having about a wonderful vending machine that sells weed and realize IT WASN’T A DREAM!!!
The ZaZZZ machine is a great idea because not everyone wants to be chatted up by a dude who looks Dave Gruber Allen when they’re buying the good shit, but I feel like it’s missing something, something that would make the weed vending machine even better. Oh, that’s right: a regular vending machine.
Did I just fall in love? I mean, she doesn’t exactly fit my type, but I guess I could change. Maybe I could convince her to gain 100lbs and start showering in Mountain Dew Code Red and trade ping-pong for Xbox? No, you know what Allison? You’ve got to love her despite her lack of penis and beer gut. Focus on the positives; she’s a super cool stoner lady with a Don’t Give A Fuck attitude, and isn’t that what everybody wants to grow old with?
According to the NY Daily News, Susan Sarandon appeared on Bravo’s Watch What Happens Live last night and discussed how she gets ready for every SAG and Golden Globe award show. Turns out her “glam squad” (Side note from Michael: The flat iron is touching my eyeball!) includes a white dude with dreadlocks named Kai:
During a game of “Plead the Fifth” on “Watch What Happens Live” Wednesday, host Andy Cohen asked Sarandon, “Name one major Hollywood event that you showed up to stoned.”
She replied, “Only one?”
“I would say almost all except the Oscars,” she admitted.
While she didn’t get baked with Cohen and the show’s other guest Ralph Fiennes, they did enjoy a drink or two or three, and maybe even a shot.
I’ve never been to a fancy award show, but I do know people who have (HUMBLE BRRAAAAG) and I’ve been told it’s more boring than being fitted for orthopaedic shoe inserts (something I do know about) so I can’t blame her for choosing to bliss the fuck out in order to get through a 3+ hour long Hollywood actor circle jerk. Sure, in the beginning she was probably just so gosh-darn excited to put on a fancy dress and go to the Golden Globes, but Susan Sarandon is as A-list as it gets now, so her inbox is running at-capacity with the thousands of invitations to Honorary Award this and Lifetime Achievement Award that. Ugh, just imagining reading that many emails has got me anxious enough to eat a 9×9 pan of pot brownies; I don’t know how she does it. Oh wait…weed. Sorry guys, I’m pretty Sarandoned right now.
(Pic via Wenn)
If I’m shitting out more typos than usual and it looks like I typed this shit out with my foot after it fell asleep (“What else is new?” – you), it’s because I’m posting this mess while stuffed in an airplane to NYC and I swear this WiFi connection is coming from a satellite made of rusty paper clips that’s Gorilla Glued to the wing of the plane. But enough about my first world blogger problems.
Idris Elba, the hot piece who is responsible for a 100% rise in nipple secretions, has said before that he’s sold drugs, so it’s not exactly shocking news that he’s had all the drugs flowing through his veins before. In an interview with Playboy (via Vulture), Idris said in so many words that he makes Lindsay Lohan look like an amateur druggie, because he’s snorted and smoked it all. Has Idris ever huffed freon through his peen slit? Duh! Has Idris ever stuck a crack pipe up his b-hole, inhaled and then exhaled the smoke through the mouth on his face? Um, he did that so long ago. Idris has done it all!
“I didn’t start smoking weed until later in life…I mean, I’m not gonna lie — I’ve tried everything, just between you, me and the people who read this magazine. I’ve tried it all. I played one of the biggest drug dealers in the world on TV, so you think I’d know what I was talking about.”
I know for a fact that Idris hasn’t done EVERY drug. To paraphrase the dumper skank philosopher Ke$hit, my love is a drug….and I know Idris hasn’t done that drug. Yes, my love is the kind of drug that gives whores the shakes, the sweats, night terrors, a severe case of the barfs and instantly turns them into a hardcore anti-drug advocate, but it’s still a drug!
James Woods has one rule when choosing a piece to date: if you’re older than the oldest liver spot on the head of his peen, then he’s not trying to mess with you. So that’s why James’ latest fetus-aged girlfriend probably slurs out a “HUH?!” when he quotes his Casino character. 66-year-old James Woods publicly debuted his newest leased toy Kristen Bauguess at the NYC premiere of White House Down on Tuesday night. Kristen kind of looks like The Curious Case of Ali Lohan right before a bleached demon (otherwise known as White Oprah) sucked her youth out, spit into a martini glass, added some vodka and swallowed it all down (a succubustini!).
Radar says that Kristen only recently started taking a ride on James’ Viagra rod, but they have already been tweeting “I love yous” to each other. James and Kristen were probably dating when she got caught with marijuana and some “controlled substance” in Georgia earlier this month. Kristen was pulled over for speeding in Chatham County on June 8th and the police found weed and a “controlled substance” on her. Kristen was charged with possession, speeding and switching the license plate on her car.
I totally believe that marijuana should be legal everywhere and arresting someone for it is a waste of everyone’s time, but laws are laws even if the law is stupid. Whenever I get a Double Double from In-N-Out, I always want to rip my clothes off and express my love for it bareback-style right there in the middle of the restaurant, but I know I’ll be arrested if I do so I wait until I get into my car. I know the laws! With that said, Chatham County should really give Kristen a break. They shouldn’t punish Kristen, they should reward her. If you were pulling James Woods’ 30-year-old white pubic hairs out of your mouth after licking his shriveled lychee balls, you’d be injecting a mixture of heroin and crack directly into your nipple slits. So Kristen is doing well considering and they should give her ass a break. The gold digging game isn’t an easy one.
File this under: Well, that explains EVERYTHING now….
Cross file under: Pretend it’s the 90s again and clutch your pearl to this news.
Jennifer Aniston and her hairstylist of forever Chris McMillan worked with a company on a new line of stuff for your hair and during a slobbery interview with WWD (via UsWeekly), he said that he was stoned into another dimension when he gave her the haircut that everyone’s tia had to get in the 90s. Chris was stoned, the scissors were stoned, Aniston was stoned, they were all stoned.
And for the record, McMillan insists he was stoned when he created the oft-copied Rachel cut for Aniston in 1994. “I’m 14 years sober, so I feel safe enough to say that,” he said with a grin.
Well, I guess this means that God or Mother Nature or whoever the hell created the long-haired guinea pig was high as all hell when they created the long-haired guinea pig, because the long-haired guinea pig worked “The Rachel” long before Aniston did. And next up, I’m going to write about how Keri Russell’s hairstylist was high on heroin when he chopped her hair off.
Here’s Aniston and Chris McMillan at the launch of their new hair stuff in NYC the other day.
This might come as a shock to the zero of you who haven’t seen that video of Miley Cyrus letting out a chipmunk cackle after sucking down a bong full of salvia smoke or haven’t seen all the pictures of her swallowing a cloud of weed smog, but she likes to get high. Weed is to Miley as a Taco Party Pack for one is to Billy Ray Cyrus.
The trailer park Slytherin was hanging out with friends on her hotel balcony in Miami yesterday when the paps caught her smoking a blunt. Billy Ray would totally ground Miley for this, but then she’d probably take away the weekly allowance she pays him and then how would he buy his Taco Party Packs?!
But seriously, Miley’s close friends and family should really stop her before shit really gets out of hand. They need to stage an intervention right away. They need to gather around her and calmly tell her that she’s not only hurting those around her, but she’s also hurting herself when she puts her hair in a top pony-tail like that! Loved ones don’t let loved ones do themselves up like a derpy Bamm-Bamm Rubble.
That poor delicious blunt. It doesn’t deserve to be sucked on by a trick who looks like a white sumo wrestler on meth.
While Anne Hathaway dresses up her Oscar in a tiny tuxedo to recreate Fred and Ginger’s greatest dance scenes on the custom-made stage she had built where her kitchen used to be (“Who needs food, dahling, the thea-tuh is my protein!” – Anne Hathaway), Jennifer Lawrence is getting intimate with my husband, red wine, and my side piece, a joint, in Hawaii.
Jennifer Lawrence is in Hawaii to either reshoot scenes for The Hunger Games: Catching Fire (and taste the local good shit) or she’s in Hawaii to just taste the local good shit. While she’s doing that, a metal artisan is hollowing out her Oscar and turning it into a bong. This will be the greatest use for an Oscar until Tommy Girl wins one and has it turned into a…you know the rest.
Shia LaDouche was supposed to make his Broadway debut opposite Alec Baldwin and Tom Sturridge in the play Orphans, but he dropped out just a week into rehearsals and the old “creative differences” excuse was the reason given for why he quit that bitch. I figured that meant everybody was busy being creative while he was in the corner drunkenly punching a metal folding chair, because it told him his performance in Transformers was emotionally lacking. Others figured that Shia was fired because when he got into the same room as Alec, the asshole levels exploded and the 100-year-old bricks on the walls started to break and crumble. Those who figured that were right! I think.
A source told The New York Times that director Daniel Sullivan was worried about Shia’s “performance choices” and had several talks with Shia and the producers about this before he decided that the role should be recast. Shita (typo and it stays) couldn’t keep his mouth shut about this and he went a Twitter rampage last night, tweeting the e-mail he wrote to everyone involved in the production and then he posted everyone’s responses. Shia’s email was co-produced by his local weed dealer and Jack Daniels, because it is a rambling stream of melodramatic ridiculousness. If Game of Thrones was rebooted and set in 1940s Boston and written by a writer who claims he’s the second coming of David Mamet, this is what one of the monologues would read like. This is some serious Valar Dohaeris shit and not in a good way:
“My dad was a drug dealer. He was a shit human. But he was a man. He taught me how to be a man. What I know of men, Alec is. A man is good at his job. Not his work, not his avocation, not his hobby. Not his career. His job. A man can look you up and down and figure some things out. Before you say a word, he makes you. From your suitcase, from your watch, from your posture. A man infers.
A man owns up. That’s why Mark McGwire is not a man. A man grasps his mistakes. He lays claim to who he is, and what he was, whether he likes them or not. Some mistakes, though, he lets pass if no one notices. Like dropping the steak in the dirt.
He does not rely on rationalizations or explanations. He doesn’t winnow, winnow, winnow until truths can be humbly categorized, or intellectualized, until behavior can be written off with an explanation. A man knows his tools and how to use them – just the ones he needs. Knows which saw is for what, how to find the stud. A man does not know everything. He doesn’t try. He likes what other men know. A man can tell you he was wrong. That he did wrong. That he planned to. He can tell you when he is lost. He can apologize, even if sometimes it’s just to put an end to the bickering. Alec, I’m sorry for my part of a dis-agreeable situation. – Shia.”
A man also knows how to wear out a fucking bong, apparently. What kind of pretentious foolery? Like dropping shit in my eyes. Even James Franco is like, “Hit the brakes, Shia!”
UPDATE: Shia LaDouche’s “a man” monologue was pretty much a copy + paste job of this article from Esquire. Of course!
And here’s Alec’s response. It’s best if you read this in Michael Caine’s voice, because I’m pretty sure this is one of Alfred’s speeches from Batman:
“I’ve been through this before. It’s been a while. And perhaps some of the particulars are different. But it comes down to the fact that what we all do now is critical. Perhaps especially fro you. When the change comes, how do we handle it, whether it be good or bad? What do we learn? I don’t have an unkind word to say about you. You have my word. – AB”
Shia responded with, “Same. Be well. Good luck on the play. You’ll be great.“
And Tom Sturridge responded with:
“Are you still here? I don’t really know what to write. I went in this afternoon and they were all there… producers, etc. I said my piece but they didn’t really listen. I don’t understand what has happened here. Maybe you have had a more enlightening conversation with someone by now. All I can say is that it truly was an honour to work with you even if it was only for a few days. I was stunned by the work you were doing, the performance you were giving. I think you lifted the play to a place high than maybe it even deserved to be. I hope this isn’t the last time we work together and I especially hope it isn’t the last time we see each other. Hope you’re ok brother – Tom”
I think what Tom really meant to write was, “Are you still here, because it sounds like the shit you’re smoking is making your brain liquefy and leak out of the pores on your head and I’m going to need your dealer’s number.”
And finally, Daniel Sullivan responded with this:
“I’m too old for disagreeable situations. You’re on hell of a great actor. Alec is who he is. You are who you are. You two are incompatible. I should have known it. This one will haunt me. You tried to warn me. You said you were a different breed. I didn’t get it. – Dan“
Actor and theater people are so beyond weird. Why aren’t all of us in the theater? You get to smoke a lot of drugs and write emails like you’re a character in a superhero movie. “You tried to warn me! The change is coming! I should’ve listened! Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?”
And since we’ve gone this far, let’s go all the way and let the foolery tip our chairs back until we fall on the floor. Here’s Shia’s audition video:
Because RiRi thinks she’s the second coming of Bob Marley and a hero to all stoners, she Instagrammed a picture of the marijuana plant somebody gave her for National Single Awareness Day and added the note: “Roses are green! Somebody knows how to make me happy.” You probably didn’t read any of those words, because as soon as that picture loaded your mouth pulled your head toward the screen and you’ll stay stuck there until the people who clean your office at night pry you off, Windex your screen and then put your mouth back on it.
Some people think that RiRi’s bouquet from FTD’s Willie Nelson collection came from Chris Brown. If it did, then RiRi must’ve found later that her marijuana plant was actually a bushel of funny-looking oregano, because they both showed up to Playhouse in Hollywood last night and she treated him like he was Frank Ocean and she was him. RiRi sat far away from him and kept throwing her stank face at him. Some witness type said this to UsWeekly:
“[They were] not at all on speaking terms. She refused to sit with or even near him. When she noticed he was there, she made a huge show of rubbing her presence in his face.”
Please tell me that “rubbing her presence in his face” is just a really polite way of saying that she threw her dirty tampon at his face or dropped a queef bomb in his piña colada. But really, this is just The Difficult Brown and RiRi being The Difficult Brown and RiRi. You know, he tries to kill her, they kiss, they make up, he tries to kill her again, they kiss, they make up, etc… That’s just them.
It’s pretty obvious that The Difficult Brown is the one who gave her that beautiful gift, because he knows that marijuana reduces the intensity of pain. That is SO caring of him.
And here’s some extremely riveting pictures of RiRi going to another club last night.
The paparazzo who was killed while trying to take pictures of The Lesbeaver was supposedly stalking his ass all day, because the pap was told that the Canadian Baby Jesus is hooked on that good shit and he wanted the first pictures of Justin getting high. Well, a day after the paparazzo was killed, somebody did get pictures of Justin Bieber sucking on a blunt. Our little Canadian Baby Jesus is growing up, because he’s traded his pacifier and bottle for a Corona and a blunt, and TMZ posted the proof last night.
On January 2nd, the Biebs and his best friend 4eva Lil Twist, who was driving Justin’s Ferrari at the time the paparazzo was ran over, smoked up at a hotel in Newport Beach, CA. TMZ’s source says that Lil Twist and his brother rolled up the party favors and passed them to everyone in the room. Everyone in that hotel room knows what it’s like to get dutch oven’ed by Willie Nelson, because the room quickly filled up with pot smoke. Justin’s security guards were in the room, but they must’ve been too busy trying to inhale the air, because they didn’t care that people were taking pictures of the chosen one swallowing clouds of weed smoke. Justin sort of responded to the pics on Twitter and he was probably still high when he did it, because he let out some deep words of wisdom that only a stoner would let out after taking twenty too many bong hits:
“everyday growing and learning. trying to be better. u get knocked down, u get up.”
I know, an 18-year-old smoking weed is just one big “….AND?“
Justin doesn’t need to explain anything, because obviously he only uses the good shit for medicinal purposes. I mean, menstrual cramps are a bitch!