Somewhere there’s a bunch of high-strung worried moms that are thinking: “See? I just knew cigarettes were a gateway to hard drugs!”
The Sun says that back in September, Madonna’s 16-year-old son Rocco Ritchie was arrested for possession of marijuana about two miles from his father Guy Ritchie’s home. I’m not sure why we’re just hearing about this almost two months later. You know, considering we were practically given unsolicited up-to-the-minute updates from Madonna regarding her last situation with Rocco and Rocco’s daddy.
Millions of people have seen Doctor Strange (proof: the $85 million it made at the domestic box office this past weekend), but I bet that none of them were more enlightened by it than intergalactic sage Jaden Smith. Jaden Smith’s mind is already wide open so it takes something beyond powerful to open it up even more and that movie about a surgeon wizard did just that. If Marvel passed out donation baskets after every showing of Doctor Strange, Jaden would’ve dropped in the AMEX black card his parents gave him, because that movie was like a life-changing sermon to him. You won’t find me (totally) laughing at 18-year-old Jaden Smith, because when I was around his age, I saw Showgirls for the first time and immediately declared that holy work of art my new spiritual advisor, and it still is!
What a shame; if anyone should be given the thumbs-up to sell weed in Hawaii, it’s the person in the picture above. Woody Harrelson, one of the very few people who is able to look stoned even when he might not be (that suit jacket is throwing me off), is apparently trying to open his medical marijuana dispensary in Hawaii. Unfortunately, he won’t be saying the words “Aloha and mahalo for choosing Woody’s for all your pakalolo needs” anytime soon.
Woody applied for a license early in 2016 on behalf of his company, Simple Organic Living LLC, after Hawaii created the Medical Marijuana Dispensary Program. Sadly, Reuters (via People) says that the Hawaii Department of Health denied Woody’s application on Friday. But Woody wasn’t the only one who was going home that night and smoking a cheer-up bowl; out of more than 60 applications, the state apparently only accepted 8. So, sorry, the 52+ other people. It looks like it’s back to Craigslist and the parking lot at Zippy’s for now.
There was no reason given for why Hawaii didn’t want Woody selling weed. Maybe the person in charge of approving applications thought it was Woody from Cheers who was applying, and they were afraid his slow ass would end up getting repeatedly hustled by Hawaiian high school stoners. Oh well. I’m sure that hasn’t derailed Woody’s dream of being the Newman’s Own of pot. What am I saying? Even if he woke up one morning and didn’t want to sell weed, I’m sure people would still approach him on the street with a handful of cash asking “So, how do we do this?” Like I mentioned above, Woody Harrelson was blessed with a face that says “Of course I can help you get some weed.”
Jaden Smith has already done many things for this planet in just 17 years. (Well, his body is 17. The spirit that inhabits his human shell is a 500,000-year-old alien who came to earth, wandered through the land we call Mexico and died, leaving his corpse behind, which later turned into a peyote cactus. True story.) Jaden Smith made the world a more enlightened place by being born. Jaden Smith has opened up our minds with thoughts like, “How Can Mirrors Be Real If Our Eyes Aren’t Real.” And Jaden Smith has shown the youngins’ that there’s nothing wrong with a boy in a dress. But Jaden has much bigger plans for this planet. Jaden wants to fix it. “Fix it, Jaden” is the new “Fix it, Jesus.”
To push that Madoff miniseries on ABC, Page Six has a story about how after Bernie Madoff pleaded guilty to being the villain mastermind behind a $65 billion Ponzi scheme, his wife Ruth Madoff drowned her sorrows and said goodbye to their rich bitch life by opening her mouth hole and shoving in as much of the sweet nectar, the good shit and Funyuns as possible.
“Ruth had a network in place to deliver pot up to the apartment. If she didn’t have anything to smoke it in, she would order someone out to a bodega for rolling papers because she felt unsafe leaving the apartment herself. After Ruth smoked up on their rooftop patio, she’d walk around munching on bags of Funyuns or other types of chips, Both Ruth and Bernie were drinking thousands and thousands of dollars worth of wine from their cellar almost every night. I think they figured it was better to drink it than let the government take it away.”
You know, if you took away the grifting husband and the penthouse of pure stolen class and replaced the fancy wine with whatever’s on sale at Smart & Final, that would be most of us. Because aren’t we all toking, wine-ing and Funyun-ing to deal with Bernie and by Bernie I mean life?
It’s nice to see that things between World’s Best Dad…mug owner Chris Brown and the mother of his daughter, Nia Guzman, are still a mess as usual. It all started yesterday when Nia announced that their almost two-year-old daughter Royalty has asthma and accused Chris of being the reason why. According to Nia, Chris Brown loves weed and cigarettes more than their kid, and he’s constantly exposing her to second-hand smoke. Nia says Royalty usually comes home from Daddy’s house smelling like Mary-Kate Olsen’s wedding reception, and she wants a judge to force Chris Brown to hire a nanny to take care of Royalty.
Of course, that’s not all Nia wants a judge to make happen. Nia also wants a judge to add a couple zeros to her monthly child support checks. Nia is currently getting $2500, but wants that changed to $16,000. This isn’t the first time Nia has come for Chris’ cash; back in July, Nia was trying to get $15,000 a month. Sadly, she was about as successful at getting money as Chris Brown is at not saying dumb shit, and that’s how she ended up at $2500 a month.
Speaking of Chris Brown saying dumb shit. Shortly after Nia accused him of fucking up Royalty’s lungs with second-hand smoke, TMZ says that Chris released a statement of his own on Instagram, which has since been yanked down. Chris side-eyed Nia’s claims that Royalty got asthma from his smoking. Chris says he quit smoking cigarettes on New Years, and that no one smokes around his daughter. According to Chris, Nia is just trying to stuff more money into her bank account. “Well DUH” said Nia’s shameless $16,000 a month child support request.
Chris says he stopped smoking cigarettes, but he failed to mention anything about not smoking weed. Although he doesn’t exactly have to. That busted Venus de Milo tattoo on his head is all the proof a judge needs that Chris Brown is in a committed long-term relationship with drugs.
Regardless of whether or not Chris Brown is the reason Royalty has asthma, one thing is obvious; Nia needs to work on her get money game. You’ve got to keep it simple, Nia! Forget about the asthma story – I’m sure a judge would have accepted the following: “Your honor, my child is exposed to Chris Brown. Can I have more money please?”