For those of you looking at the toes poking out of the bottom of Sarah Silverman’s dress and wondering “Did that crazy bitch go barefoot?”, the answer is yes, that crazy bitch went barefoot. Okay sure, she might not actually be barefoot; she could be wearing a pair of JJ Casuals. But since it’s human cloud of weed smoke Sarah Silverman we’re talking about, it’s probably safest to assume she’s barefoot.
As always, the Emmys were a snore-filled snooze fest last night, but luckily there was a brightly shining stoned star who guided us safely through that never-ending mess. The second Sarah Silverman arrived, I knew everything was going to be alright. First she sashayed onto the red carpet looking like a sedated avocado with her tits out, which is always the look. Then she got freaked out by a talking blonde grasshopper (Giuliana Rancic) and forgot how a microphone works. Then she started fighting with the grasshopper while trying to fix her tits, at which point, Giuliana Rancic opened her gold clutch to explain what she brought with her to the Emmys (good idea, distract the stoner with something shiny) and inside it was a vape full of liquid pot. Sorry, did I say full? I mean about 1/3 full, since she clearly inhaled most of it on the way to the Emmys.
Thankfully, that wasn’t the last we saw of a high-as-hell Sarah Silverman. She came back a little while later when she won the award for Outstanding Writing for a Variety Special, which she accepted by running to the stage barefoot, leaping up the stairs like Stoned Jesus, rambling about space and molecules, and thanking her boyfriend “Mr. Fancy Pants Sheen” (Michael Sheen). Afterwards in the press room, some adorable innocent naive cherub asked Sarah if had smoked weed before the show (aw, stay sweet, you). She answered that she likes to “have a puff as a treat, at appropriate times” (which I guess is the “Bitch I might be” for more formal occasions), but really, did she even need to answer? Bitch was barefoot! That’s all the answer you need.
Mario Diaz of PIX 11 was reporting from Midtown in Manhattan about Shia LaBeouf’s arrest and it would’ve been a perfect moment if Shia appeared and tried to take Mario down with his old timey cartoon boxing moves while wearing his hot corduroy leggings. But the next best thing happen. A wild-eyed, happy-faced Erykah Badu slid into the shot while wearing Twinkie the Kid’s signature hat and looking like she just swallowed a Snoop Dogg fart. She looked stoned into another dimension. Erykah floated on by like a cracked-out Pac-Man ghost and she tried to give Mario a little kiss. But because Mario is a reporter in NYC and is probably used to street trolls trying to screw with him at work, he pushed her away and kept going. Mario didn’t know that he pushed away Erykah Badu, but his wife was watching from a few feet away and knew his ass just got Badu’d.
Mario twatted this afterward:
@fatbellybella I get it because… "Ain't no particular sign I'm more compatible with I just want your extra time and your….. kiss"
— Mario Diaz (@MarioPIX11) June 28, 2014
— Mario Diaz (@MarioPIX11) June 28, 2014
@fatbellybella After she figured out what really happened she laughed and said, "Great taste." Next time I won't do the NYC push back.
— Mario Diaz (@MarioPIX11) June 28, 2014
Erykah Badu should stick to whatever strain of weed she smoked before she tried to kiss bomb Mario, because it’s doing good things to her. It’s so much better than whatever strain of weed she smoked before her crazy ass said that “racist gays” were the only ones criticizing her for performing for a dictator. And well, if you’re going to get trolled at work, you might as well get trolled by a stoned Erykah Badu wearing Farrah Abraham’s butt plug on her head.
Good news for those of you who woke up this morning and thought “You know, I’d really like to see a video of two famous 20-year-olds getting high in a van today”. A video has emerged of One Direction’s Zayn Malik (aka the “hot bad boy” one) and Louis Tomlinson (the internet tells me he’s the “funny one”, so I guess that makes him the Joey Fatone?) smoking weed while traveling in a van to a One Direction show in Peru on April 27th. The Daily Mail, who has the journalistic integrity of the Channel 4 News Team, describes the video as “shocking” and “exposes the dark side of the squeaky clean boy band”. However, I would describe the video as “boring” and “is literally two guys smoking weed in a van”. Oh, and also some guy talking about chicken:
“But we got a full chicken” is the new Hakuna Matata. But back to those two living My Scene dolls smoking the stickiest of icky. Seeing two dudes in their early 20s smoking weed to relax before a concert is nothing to be all Helen Lovejoy concerned about, except maybe for the fact that they keep calling it “Mary Jane” and “Mary J. Blige”, which made me cringe hard enough to fall off my chair and cringe a dent into the floor. But some One Direction fans are LOSING THEIR SHIT because DRUGS ARE BAD and OMG JUST SAY NO!
I love One Direction but this zouis smoking thing is sad. Why would they do that. It's all messed up.
— Sophieluvsyoubo (@1_dimages) May 27, 2014
I love One Direction with all my heart but come on guys weed smoking on film? I get upset when any person does a type of drug. (C)
— Age°o° (@NovaStarSC) May 28, 2014
I know you’re probably sitting there screaming “CHILL OUT, WEED ISN’T A TYPE OF DRUG!” as you lick the rim of crushed vicodin off a Theraflu and vodka, but we need to remember these are 8 and 9 year olds who still think “trying weed” leads to snorting coke out of Satan’s asshole. To put it into perspective, seeing two boy banders take a hit off a joint is as insanely devastating as if you and I watched a video of Maru the Cat inject black tar heroin directly into his paws with a dirty needle and fuck a diseased cardboard box while spouting hateful shit about Shiba Inus.
— Herbal Elements (@HerbalColorado) April 12, 2014
If you haven’t already, now is the time to pack up everything of importance (in my case that would be a bag of Dortios and my collection of Rainbow Brite dolls) and move to Colorado, because once again have they earned the award for outstanding achievement in the field of stoner excellence by creating a vending machine that sells legal marijuana. Wait a second…what is this salty discharge leaking from my eyes? Oh god, am I crying?? Pass me a box of Kleenex, I think I’m having a moment.
According to The Cannabist, the ZaZZZ vending machine was created by American Green and is “an automated, age-verifying, climate-controlled marijuana dispensing machine.” One of the first ZaZZZ sightings has been at Montana’s Smokehouse in Avon, CO, which makes a ton of sense, since who wouldn’t want to get baked and eat a fuckload of pulled pork. And then eat a fuckload of ribs. And then take a nap. And then wake up from the dream you were having about a wonderful vending machine that sells weed and realize IT WASN’T A DREAM!!!
The ZaZZZ machine is a great idea because not everyone wants to be chatted up by a dude who looks Dave Gruber Allen when they’re buying the good shit, but I feel like it’s missing something, something that would make the weed vending machine even better. Oh, that’s right: a regular vending machine.
Did I just fall in love? I mean, she doesn’t exactly fit my type, but I guess I could change. Maybe I could convince her to gain 100lbs and start showering in Mountain Dew Code Red and trade ping-pong for Xbox? No, you know what Allison? You’ve got to love her despite her lack of penis and beer gut. Focus on the positives; she’s a super cool stoner lady with a Don’t Give A Fuck attitude, and isn’t that what everybody wants to grow old with?
According to the NY Daily News, Susan Sarandon appeared on Bravo’s Watch What Happens Live last night and discussed how she gets ready for every SAG and Golden Globe award show. Turns out her “glam squad” (Side note from Michael: The flat iron is touching my eyeball!) includes a white dude with dreadlocks named Kai:
During a game of “Plead the Fifth” on “Watch What Happens Live” Wednesday, host Andy Cohen asked Sarandon, “Name one major Hollywood event that you showed up to stoned.”
She replied, “Only one?”
“I would say almost all except the Oscars,” she admitted.
While she didn’t get baked with Cohen and the show’s other guest Ralph Fiennes, they did enjoy a drink or two or three, and maybe even a shot.
I’ve never been to a fancy award show, but I do know people who have (HUMBLE BRRAAAAG) and I’ve been told it’s more boring than being fitted for orthopaedic shoe inserts (something I do know about) so I can’t blame her for choosing to bliss the fuck out in order to get through a 3+ hour long Hollywood actor circle jerk. Sure, in the beginning she was probably just so gosh-darn excited to put on a fancy dress and go to the Golden Globes, but Susan Sarandon is as A-list as it gets now, so her inbox is running at-capacity with the thousands of invitations to Honorary Award this and Lifetime Achievement Award that. Ugh, just imagining reading that many emails has got me anxious enough to eat a 9×9 pan of pot brownies; I don’t know how she does it. Oh wait…weed. Sorry guys, I’m pretty Sarandoned right now.
(Pic via Wenn)
If I’m shitting out more typos than usual and it looks like I typed this shit out with my foot after it fell asleep (“What else is new?” – you), it’s because I’m posting this mess while stuffed in an airplane to NYC and I swear this WiFi connection is coming from a satellite made of rusty paper clips that’s Gorilla Glued to the wing of the plane. But enough about my first world blogger problems.
Idris Elba, the hot piece who is responsible for a 100% rise in nipple secretions, has said before that he’s sold drugs, so it’s not exactly shocking news that he’s had all the drugs flowing through his veins before. In an interview with Playboy (via Vulture), Idris said in so many words that he makes Lindsay Lohan look like an amateur druggie, because he’s snorted and smoked it all. Has Idris ever huffed freon through his peen slit? Duh! Has Idris ever stuck a crack pipe up his b-hole, inhaled and then exhaled the smoke through the mouth on his face? Um, he did that so long ago. Idris has done it all!
“I didn’t start smoking weed until later in life…I mean, I’m not gonna lie — I’ve tried everything, just between you, me and the people who read this magazine. I’ve tried it all. I played one of the biggest drug dealers in the world on TV, so you think I’d know what I was talking about.”
I know for a fact that Idris hasn’t done EVERY drug. To paraphrase the dumper skank philosopher Ke$hit, my love is a drug….and I know Idris hasn’t done that drug. Yes, my love is the kind of drug that gives whores the shakes, the sweats, night terrors, a severe case of the barfs and instantly turns them into a hardcore anti-drug advocate, but it’s still a drug!
James Woods has one rule when choosing a piece to date: if you’re older than the oldest liver spot on the head of his peen, then he’s not trying to mess with you. So that’s why James’ latest fetus-aged girlfriend probably slurs out a “HUH?!” when he quotes his Casino character. 66-year-old James Woods publicly debuted his newest leased toy Kristen Bauguess at the NYC premiere of White House Down on Tuesday night. Kristen kind of looks like The Curious Case of Ali Lohan right before a bleached demon (otherwise known as White Oprah) sucked her youth out, spit into a martini glass, added some vodka and swallowed it all down (a succubustini!).
Radar says that Kristen only recently started taking a ride on James’ Viagra rod, but they have already been tweeting “I love yous” to each other. James and Kristen were probably dating when she got caught with marijuana and some “controlled substance” in Georgia earlier this month. Kristen was pulled over for speeding in Chatham County on June 8th and the police found weed and a “controlled substance” on her. Kristen was charged with possession, speeding and switching the license plate on her car.
I totally believe that marijuana should be legal everywhere and arresting someone for it is a waste of everyone’s time, but laws are laws even if the law is stupid. Whenever I get a Double Double from In-N-Out, I always want to rip my clothes off and express my love for it bareback-style right there in the middle of the restaurant, but I know I’ll be arrested if I do so I wait until I get into my car. I know the laws! With that said, Chatham County should really give Kristen a break. They shouldn’t punish Kristen, they should reward her. If you were pulling James Woods’ 30-year-old white pubic hairs out of your mouth after licking his shriveled lychee balls, you’d be injecting a mixture of heroin and crack directly into your nipple slits. So Kristen is doing well considering and they should give her ass a break. The gold digging game isn’t an easy one.
File this under: Well, that explains EVERYTHING now….
Cross file under: Pretend it’s the 90s again and clutch your pearl to this news.
Jennifer Aniston and her hairstylist of forever Chris McMillan worked with a company on a new line of stuff for your hair and during a slobbery interview with WWD (via UsWeekly), he said that he was stoned into another dimension when he gave her the haircut that everyone’s tia had to get in the 90s. Chris was stoned, the scissors were stoned, Aniston was stoned, they were all stoned.
And for the record, McMillan insists he was stoned when he created the oft-copied Rachel cut for Aniston in 1994. “I’m 14 years sober, so I feel safe enough to say that,” he said with a grin.
Well, I guess this means that God or Mother Nature or whoever the hell created the long-haired guinea pig was high as all hell when they created the long-haired guinea pig, because the long-haired guinea pig worked “The Rachel” long before Aniston did. And next up, I’m going to write about how Keri Russell’s hairstylist was high on heroin when he chopped her hair off.
Here’s Aniston and Chris McMillan at the launch of their new hair stuff in NYC the other day.
This might come as a shock to the zero of you who haven’t seen that video of Miley Cyrus letting out a chipmunk cackle after sucking down a bong full of salvia smoke or haven’t seen all the pictures of her swallowing a cloud of weed smog, but she likes to get high. Weed is to Miley as a Taco Party Pack for one is to Billy Ray Cyrus.
The trailer park Slytherin was hanging out with friends on her hotel balcony in Miami yesterday when the paps caught her smoking a blunt. Billy Ray would totally ground Miley for this, but then she’d probably take away the weekly allowance she pays him and then how would he buy his Taco Party Packs?!
But seriously, Miley’s close friends and family should really stop her before shit really gets out of hand. They need to stage an intervention right away. They need to gather around her and calmly tell her that she’s not only hurting those around her, but she’s also hurting herself when she puts her hair in a top pony-tail like that! Loved ones don’t let loved ones do themselves up like a derpy Bamm-Bamm Rubble.
That poor delicious blunt. It doesn’t deserve to be sucked on by a trick who looks like a white sumo wrestler on meth.
While Anne Hathaway dresses up her Oscar in a tiny tuxedo to recreate Fred and Ginger’s greatest dance scenes on the custom-made stage she had built where her kitchen used to be (“Who needs food, dahling, the thea-tuh is my protein!” – Anne Hathaway), Jennifer Lawrence is getting intimate with my husband, red wine, and my side piece, a joint, in Hawaii.
Jennifer Lawrence is in Hawaii to either reshoot scenes for The Hunger Games: Catching Fire (and taste the local good shit) or she’s in Hawaii to just taste the local good shit. While she’s doing that, a metal artisan is hollowing out her Oscar and turning it into a bong. This will be the greatest use for an Oscar until Tommy Girl wins one and has it turned into a…you know the rest.