Category: Good Shit

Hawaii Won’t Let Woody Harrelson Open A Medical Marijuana Dispensary

May 2, 2016 / Posted by:

What a shame; if anyone should be given the thumbs-up to sell weed in Hawaii, it’s the person in the picture above. Woody Harrelson, one of the very few people who is able to look stoned even when he might not be (that suit jacket is throwing me off), is apparently trying to open his medical marijuana dispensary in Hawaii. Unfortunately, he won’t be saying the words “Aloha and mahalo for choosing Woody’s for all your pakalolo needs” anytime soon.

Woody applied for a license early in 2016 on behalf of his company, Simple Organic Living LLC, after Hawaii created the Medical Marijuana Dispensary Program. Sadly, Reuters (via People) says that the Hawaii Department of Health denied Woody’s application on Friday. But Woody wasn’t the only one who was going home that night and smoking a cheer-up bowl; out of more than 60 applications, the state apparently only accepted 8. So, sorry, the 52+ other people. It looks like it’s back to Craigslist and the parking lot at Zippy’s for now.

There was no reason given for why Hawaii didn’t want Woody selling weed. Maybe the person in charge of approving applications thought it was Woody from Cheers who was applying, and they were afraid his slow ass would end up getting repeatedly hustled by Hawaiian high school stoners. Oh well. I’m sure that hasn’t derailed Woody’s dream of being the Newman’s Own of pot. What am I saying? Even if he woke up one morning and didn’t want to sell weed, I’m sure people would still approach him on the street with a handful of cash asking “So, how do we do this?” Like I mentioned above, Woody Harrelson was blessed with a face that says “Of course I can help you get some weed.

Pic: Splash

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Jaden Smith Wants To Create A Magical Utopia Where We Don’t Worry About Paying Bills

March 15, 2016 / Posted by:

Jaden Smith has already done many things for this planet in just 17 years. (Well, his body is 17. The spirit that inhabits his human shell is a 500,000-year-old alien who came to earth, wandered through the land we call Mexico and died, leaving his corpse behind, which later turned into a peyote cactus. True story.) Jaden Smith made the world a more enlightened place by being born. Jaden Smith has opened up our minds with thoughts like, “How Can Mirrors Be Real If Our Eyes Aren’t Real.” And Jaden Smith has shown the youngins’ that there’s nothing wrong with a boy in a dress. But Jaden has much bigger plans for this planet. Jaden wants to fix it. “Fix it, Jaden” is the new “Fix it, Jesus.

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Ruth Madoff Is All Of Us

February 3, 2016 / Posted by:

To push that Madoff miniseries on ABC, Page Six has a story about how after Bernie Madoff pleaded guilty to being the villain mastermind behind a $65 billion Ponzi scheme, his wife Ruth Madoff drowned her sorrows and said goodbye to their rich bitch life by opening her mouth hole and shoving in as much of the sweet nectar, the good shit and Funyuns as possible.

“Ruth had a network in place to deliver pot up to the apartment. If she didn’t have anything to smoke it in, she would order someone out to a bodega for rolling papers because she felt unsafe leaving the apartment herself. After Ruth smoked up on their rooftop patio, she’d walk around munching on bags of Funyuns or other types of chips, Both Ruth and Bernie were drinking thousands and thousands of dollars worth of wine from their cellar almost every night. I think they figured it was better to drink it than let the government take it away.”

You know, if you took away the grifting husband and the penthouse of pure stolen class and replaced the fancy wine with whatever’s on sale at Smart & Final, that would be most of us. Because aren’t we all toking, wine-ing and Funyun-ing to deal with Bernie and by Bernie I mean life?

Chris Brown’s Daughter Has Asthma And His Baby Mama Says It’s All His Fault

February 1, 2016 / Posted by:

It’s nice to see that things between World’s Best Dad…mug owner Chris Brown and the mother of his daughter, Nia Guzman, are still a mess as usual. It all started yesterday when Nia announced that their almost two-year-old daughter Royalty has asthma and accused Chris of being the reason why. According to Nia, Chris Brown loves weed and cigarettes more than their kid, and he’s constantly exposing her to second-hand smoke. Nia says Royalty usually comes home from Daddy’s house smelling like Mary-Kate Olsen’s wedding reception, and she wants a judge to force Chris Brown to hire a nanny to take care of Royalty.

Of course, that’s not all Nia wants a judge to make happen. Nia also wants a judge to add a couple zeros to her monthly child support checks. Nia is currently getting $2500, but wants that changed to $16,000. This isn’t the first time Nia has come for Chris’ cash; back in July, Nia was trying to get $15,000 a month. Sadly, she was about as successful at getting money as Chris Brown is at not saying dumb shit, and that’s how she ended up at $2500 a month.

Speaking of Chris Brown saying dumb shit. Shortly after Nia accused him of fucking up Royalty’s lungs with second-hand smoke, TMZ says that Chris released a statement of his own on Instagram, which has since been yanked down. Chris side-eyed Nia’s claims that Royalty got asthma from his smoking. Chris says he quit smoking cigarettes on New Years, and that no one smokes around his daughter. According to Chris, Nia is just trying to stuff more money into her bank account. “Well DUH” said Nia’s shameless $16,000 a month child support request.

Chris says he stopped smoking cigarettes, but he failed to mention anything about not smoking weed. Although he doesn’t exactly have to. That busted Venus de Milo tattoo on his head is all the proof a judge needs that Chris Brown is in a committed long-term relationship with drugs.

Regardless of whether or not Chris Brown is the reason Royalty has asthma, one thing is obvious; Nia needs to work on her get money game. You’ve got to keep it simple, Nia! Forget about the asthma story – I’m sure a judge would have accepted the following: “Your honor, my child is exposed to Chris Brown. Can I have more money please?

Pic: Wenn.com

Ohio Voters Did Not Make Nick Lachey A Weed Kingpin

November 4, 2015 / Posted by:

Voters could’ve put the HIGH in Ohio yesterday voting to completely legalize the good shit, which might’ve made Nick Lachey, of all hos richer, than Jessica Simpson. But sadly for Nick Lachey, Ohio decided that they’d rather give their money to their local weed man than stick it between the hard tits of the dude from 98 Degrees.

A motley crew of Ohio weed farm owners (including Cincinnati’s own Nick Lachey, fashion designer Nanette Lepore, retired NBA star Oscar Robertson, football player Frostee Rucker and descendants of President Taft) put up as much as a total of $4 million to get a marijuana legalization bill to the voters. If the bill to make medicinal and recreational marijuana legal passed, 10 weed farms in Ohio, and only those 10 weed farms, would’ve been able to grow the good shit and sell it to dispensaries. Nick and his partners own one of the 10 farms. They paid $10 million for it, like the other farm owners. Of course, the owners wanted that shit to pass, because one study claimed that they’d collectively make $1.1 billion a year if it did.

Cleveland.com says that the weed bill, called Issue 3, won just 35.9% of the votes. Apparently, even some of the pot heads of Ohio threw a side-eye at the bill, because it would’ve turned the weed game into a monopoly. Nick Lachey cried out a green tear (it was green because he was thinking of all the money he’s losing out on) as he tweeted about being defeated.

What’s really weird to me is that the second hottest dude in 98 Degrees owns a weed farm. Out of all the 90s boy banders, I would’ve guessed that Chris Kirkpatrick of N*Sync would be the one to own a weed farm, because he was obviously stoned into oblivion when he did his hair up like a rotten braided pineapple.

In other Ohio political news, Opal Covey, my choice for president in 2020, didn’t become Mayor of Toledo last night. She came in last place! So I’m guessing that all of the stoners of Toledo are smoking an illegal joint next to Opal Covey while watching God destroy their city with lightning bolts.

Pic: Wenn.com

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Tyga Says There’s Nothing “Morally Wrong” With Dating Kylie Jenner

May 8, 2015 / Posted by:

Poor Chris Hansen; he’s probably got a next-level case of shin splints from all the chairs he’s kicked out for Tyga to have a seat on.

According to TMZ, 25-year-old rapper/father/owner of some busted Ronald McDonald hair Tyga is no longer being coy about his relationship with 17-year-old future homeschool drop out/aspiring filler enthusiast Kylie Jenner. Tyga sort of dipped his toe into the shallow end of the poor decisions pool by getting her name tattooed on his arm, but recently he dove straight into the deep end. Even though the age of consent in California is still 18, TMZ says Tyga has been telling his friends that he’s not worried about statutory rape laws because his teenage girlfriend is “more mature” than most adults. Tyga thinks that because Kylie is a millionaire who runs a company and owns her own house, she’s basically a grown woman. “Looks like I’m no longer needed here” thought the numbers 1997 on her birth certificate.

Tyga also says there’s nothing “morally wrong” with dating a 17-year-old, and that he “doesn’t give a fuck about what the law says.” I’m going to use that one the next time I’m pulled over for steering my car with my knees so I can two-fist a pair of cheeseburgers.

Even though you and I know what Tyga and Kylie are doing is the definition of shady, not-right, and NO, “law enforcement sources” tell TMZ that unless someone files a complaint, there’s nothing they can do about it. And you know that even if someone were to file a complaint, it would be intercepted by Pimp Mama Kris’ telekinetic shitty parenting powers.

But where’s Kylie in all of this? If you said school, then you’re a dumbass. No! She’s filming Snapchat videos of herself getting “high as fuck“. Bruce Jenner, come get your plastic-looking kid!

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