Jaden Smith has already done many things for this planet in just 17 years. (Well, his body is 17. The spirit that inhabits his human shell is a 500,000-year-old alien who came to earth, wandered through the land we call Mexico and died, leaving his corpse behind, which later turned into a peyote cactus. True story.) Jaden Smith made the world a more enlightened place by being born. Jaden Smith has opened up our minds with thoughts like, “How Can Mirrors Be Real If Our Eyes Aren’t Real.” And Jaden Smith has shown the youngins’ that there’s nothing wrong with a boy in a dress. But Jaden has much bigger plans for this planet. Jaden wants to fix it. “Fix it, Jaden” is the new “Fix it, Jesus.”
To push that Madoff miniseries on ABC, Page Six has a story about how after Bernie Madoff pleaded guilty to being the villain mastermind behind a $65 billion Ponzi scheme, his wife Ruth Madoff drowned her sorrows and said goodbye to their rich bitch life by opening her mouth hole and shoving in as much of the sweet nectar, the good shit and Funyuns as possible.
“Ruth had a network in place to deliver pot up to the apartment. If she didn’t have anything to smoke it in, she would order someone out to a bodega for rolling papers because she felt unsafe leaving the apartment herself. After Ruth smoked up on their rooftop patio, she’d walk around munching on bags of Funyuns or other types of chips, Both Ruth and Bernie were drinking thousands and thousands of dollars worth of wine from their cellar almost every night. I think they figured it was better to drink it than let the government take it away.”
You know, if you took away the grifting husband and the penthouse of pure stolen class and replaced the fancy wine with whatever’s on sale at Smart & Final, that would be most of us. Because aren’t we all toking, wine-ing and Funyun-ing to deal with Bernie and by Bernie I mean life?
It’s nice to see that things between World’s Best Dad…mug owner Chris Brown and the mother of his daughter, Nia Guzman, are still a mess as usual. It all started yesterday when Nia announced that their almost two-year-old daughter Royalty has asthma and accused Chris of being the reason why. According to Nia, Chris Brown loves weed and cigarettes more than their kid, and he’s constantly exposing her to second-hand smoke. Nia says Royalty usually comes home from Daddy’s house smelling like Mary-Kate Olsen’s wedding reception, and she wants a judge to force Chris Brown to hire a nanny to take care of Royalty.
Of course, that’s not all Nia wants a judge to make happen. Nia also wants a judge to add a couple zeros to her monthly child support checks. Nia is currently getting $2500, but wants that changed to $16,000. This isn’t the first time Nia has come for Chris’ cash; back in July, Nia was trying to get $15,000 a month. Sadly, she was about as successful at getting money as Chris Brown is at not saying dumb shit, and that’s how she ended up at $2500 a month.
Speaking of Chris Brown saying dumb shit. Shortly after Nia accused him of fucking up Royalty’s lungs with second-hand smoke, TMZ says that Chris released a statement of his own on Instagram, which has since been yanked down. Chris side-eyed Nia’s claims that Royalty got asthma from his smoking. Chris says he quit smoking cigarettes on New Years, and that no one smokes around his daughter. According to Chris, Nia is just trying to stuff more money into her bank account. “Well DUH” said Nia’s shameless $16,000 a month child support request.
Chris says he stopped smoking cigarettes, but he failed to mention anything about not smoking weed. Although he doesn’t exactly have to. That busted Venus de Milo tattoo on his head is all the proof a judge needs that Chris Brown is in a committed long-term relationship with drugs.
Regardless of whether or not Chris Brown is the reason Royalty has asthma, one thing is obvious; Nia needs to work on her get money game. You’ve got to keep it simple, Nia! Forget about the asthma story – I’m sure a judge would have accepted the following: “Your honor, my child is exposed to Chris Brown. Can I have more money please?”
Voters could’ve put the HIGH in Ohio yesterday voting to completely legalize the good shit, which might’ve made Nick Lachey, of all hos richer, than Jessica Simpson. But sadly for Nick Lachey, Ohio decided that they’d rather give their money to their local weed man than stick it between the hard tits of the dude from 98 Degrees.
A motley crew of Ohio weed farm owners (including Cincinnati’s own Nick Lachey, fashion designer Nanette Lepore, retired NBA star Oscar Robertson, football player Frostee Rucker and descendants of President Taft) put up as much as a total of $4 million to get a marijuana legalization bill to the voters. If the bill to make medicinal and recreational marijuana legal passed, 10 weed farms in Ohio, and only those 10 weed farms, would’ve been able to grow the good shit and sell it to dispensaries. Nick and his partners own one of the 10 farms. They paid $10 million for it, like the other farm owners. Of course, the owners wanted that shit to pass, because one study claimed that they’d collectively make $1.1 billion a year if it did.
Cleveland.com says that the weed bill, called Issue 3, won just 35.9% of the votes. Apparently, even some of the pot heads of Ohio threw a side-eye at the bill, because it would’ve turned the weed game into a monopoly. Nick Lachey cried out a green tear (it was green because he was thinking of all the money he’s losing out on) as he tweeted about being defeated.
— Nick Lachey (@NickLachey) November 4, 2015
What’s really weird to me is that the second hottest dude in 98 Degrees owns a weed farm. Out of all the 90s boy banders, I would’ve guessed that Chris Kirkpatrick of N*Sync would be the one to own a weed farm, because he was obviously stoned into oblivion when he did his hair up like a rotten braided pineapple.
In other Ohio political news, Opal Covey, my choice for president in 2020, didn’t become Mayor of Toledo last night. She came in last place! So I’m guessing that all of the stoners of Toledo are smoking an illegal joint next to Opal Covey while watching God destroy their city with lightning bolts.
Poor Chris Hansen; he’s probably got a next-level case of shin splints from all the chairs he’s kicked out for Tyga to have a seat on.
According to TMZ, 25-year-old rapper/father/owner of some busted Ronald McDonald hair Tyga is no longer being coy about his relationship with 17-year-old future homeschool drop out/aspiring filler enthusiast Kylie Jenner. Tyga sort of dipped his toe into the shallow end of the poor decisions pool by getting her name tattooed on his arm, but recently he dove straight into the deep end. Even though the age of consent in California is still 18, TMZ says Tyga has been telling his friends that he’s not worried about statutory rape laws because his teenage girlfriend is “more mature” than most adults. Tyga thinks that because Kylie is a millionaire who runs a company and owns her own house, she’s basically a grown woman. “Looks like I’m no longer needed here” thought the numbers 1997 on her birth certificate.
Tyga also says there’s nothing “morally wrong” with dating a 17-year-old, and that he “doesn’t give a fuck about what the law says.” I’m going to use that one the next time I’m pulled over for steering my car with my knees so I can two-fist a pair of cheeseburgers.
Even though you and I know what Tyga and Kylie are doing is the definition of shady, not-right, and NO, “law enforcement sources” tell TMZ that unless someone files a complaint, there’s nothing they can do about it. And you know that even if someone were to file a complaint, it would be intercepted by Pimp Mama Kris’ telekinetic shitty parenting powers.
But where’s Kylie in all of this? If you said school, then you’re a dumbass. No! She’s filming Snapchat videos of herself getting “high as fuck“. Bruce Jenner, come get your plastic-looking kid!
Rosie O’Donnell’s dramatic custody battle with her soon-to-be ex-wife has recently hit a higher level of MESS, and it has everything to do with Rosie being a high mess. According to TMZ, Rosie’s future ex-wife Michelle Rounds – who is sort of giving me some serious Tami Taylor vibes in that picture – says she deserves sole custody of their 2-year-old daughter Dakota because Rosie is a wine-chugging pot head and a shit parent. I’m taking back that Tami Taylor comparison; Tami Taylor would never have a problem with someone guzzling wine.
Michelle claims Rosie drinks a bottle of wine almost every night, regularly smokes weed and eats weed-filled foods (sorry, I have a hard time calling them “edibles“, because it reminds me of Edna’s Edibles, and Mrs. Garrett would never!), and it’s getting in the way of her parenting. Michelle says Rosie is in her own world most of the time, which means the nannies end up making the decisions regarding her 5 kids. Michelle also accuses Rosie of letting her 19-year-old son throw parties and allows his underage friends to drink alcohol.
Of course, Rosie is hissing back that everything Michelle says is LIES because she’s a low-down dirty gold digger who is pissed off about the prenup she signed. Rosie’s rep tells TMZ: “This is a distorted perception of Michelle’s reality. It’s sad in every way.” Not shockingly, Michelle fired back, claiming she was a millionaire before she got with Rosie, and adding, “I will walk away from every dime of Rosie’s money if I get full custody.”
Yeah, something tells me that last part might not be the whole truth. Even if Michelle does get full custody, I’m sure she’ll conveniently remember a reason why she needs some of Rosie’s money. “Rosie owes me $4.6 million for…uh…cash she took out of my purse to pay the wine-and-weed delivery guy. Yeah, that’s it.“
I know, a more shocking title would’ve been: “This May Or May Not Be A Video Of RiRi Delicately Sipping Tension Tamer Tea While Reading Bible Passages To A Group Of Children At Church On A Sunday Morning.”
The greatest debate since “Is that fugly dress black and blue or white and gold?” hit Twitter today when an Instagram video of RiRi maybe snorting coke was passed around. In the video, RiRi is partying with some friends on what looks like a fancy tour bus and the camera catches her with some kind of straw-looking thing in her hand (SPOILER ALERT: It’s probably a joint) and later shows her squeezing her nose like all RAGING COKEHEADS do. The ESCANDALOSO video is after the cut, but you might not be able to unclutch your fingers from your pearls to press play.
We may finally know the answer to the question,”Why in the fuck is Nelly always hot in herre?” The answer may be: Because ho is tweaking on crystal.
The Chattanooga Times Free Press says that Nelly (born name: Cornell Haynes) was arrested early yesterday morning and charged with felony drug possession and possession of weed. Dude is in a dilemma, you could say. At 9:20 yesterday morning, a trooper pulled over Nelly’s tour bus because it didn’t have the right stickers on it. When a cloud of the good shit wafted up into the trooper’s nostrils, he decided to do a probable cause search on the bus. After snooping around, the troopers found weed, drug paraphernalia and a plastic bag with 5 crystal-type rocks in it. The rocks tested positive for meth. The cops also found several handguns and 100 small Ziploc bags, which the police say are commonly used to sell drugs. One of the other dudes on the bus, Brian Jones, was also arrested for handgun possession.
Nelly was taken to the Putnam County Jail where he was later released on $10,000 bond. Nelly will have to show his face in court in June. Nelly’s lawyer tells TMZ that he’s going to fight the charges, because the meth wasn’t his. Nelly claims that over a dozen people had access to the bus and the meth could belong to any one of them.
Part of me believes that the meth isn’t Nelly’s, because I’d think that he would be a smart meth head who knows that when the cops stop his bus he needs to flush the bad shit down the toilet or shove it up his b-hole or hide it in a place that nobody would dare to go, like under a pile of his last CD. But the other part of me thinks that the meth may be Nelly’s, because it would explain those Band-Aids on his face (meth scratched face is no joke) and his teeth. It would also really explain why he whored himself out for Honey Nut Cheerios.
You know, I bet that meth belonged to the Honey Nut Cheerios Bee. That bee always looks tweaked the fuck out.
When Amy Pascal packed her things in a bankers box and said “peace, bitches” to Sony last month, she probably thought she was also saying sayonara to the chronic tension headaches she was getting every time she thought about Seth Rogen. But according to The Hollywood Reporter, Amy Pascal is still being haunted by Seth Rogen, and it’s because her new office is Seth Rogen’s old office, and it stinks like weed.
Sources say that Amy Pascal’s move into her new office has been delayed because they’re having a difficult time removing the overwhelming stench of Otto’s jacket that was put there by its previous occupants, Seth Rogen and his creative partner Evan Goldberg. Currently the plan is to put Amy in a temporary spot while they try to get rid of the smell by repainting the office.
However, another source says the weed smell isn’t that bad and that she’s only having the office repainted because she wants it repainted. They also add that Seth and Evan weren’t in the office long enough to get their stink up in it. And a third source says they’re going to have to do more than just throw some Dutch Boy on the walls, because the floor stinks too.
But according to the alleged source of the stink, it’s all liiiiiiies. Seth Rogen took to Instagram to clear his name by saying:
“I don’t know what’s more irresponsible: that they would print a story that is completely untrue, or that they would refer to how pot smells as a “stench.” #myshitssmellsgood”
I’m Team Smokey on this one. Seth Rogen is a rich and famous type, which means his dirty gas station weed days are over. Rich and famous types always have access to the best stuff; I bet he smokes shit that smells like a quaint little log cabin or an angel queef. They should check the security camera footage to see whose weed stench it really is. Did Seth give a key to his office to James Franco? He seems like the stench weed type.
So that’s why she always looks like a stoned version of The Joker. According to UsWeekly, Bethenny Frankel – the hypothetical result of if Yzma and Kronk had a baby – is currently working on a strain of Skinnygirl-branded weed that doesn’t make you want to shove an entire tray of Costco cinnamon buns in your mouth after you smoke it. A source close to Bethenny (a 13-calorie joint wrapped in fat-free rolling paper) says:
“It will be a specially engineered strain of pot designed to not give you the munchies. She read about how profitable the cannabis industry is and wants to get in on that.”
I’m not sure how I feel about this. On the one hand, I’m sure it would be nice to get fucked up without fucking up my stomach (see: the time my friend smoked a bag of old-ass weed and ate an entire sheet cake from Costco), but on the other hand, some of my best meals have been created during a case of the munchies. Without the munchies, I might never have invented cookie dough soup (cookie dough crumbled into pudding), the Heart-Attack Fiesta (any item from Taco Bell stuffed with KFC popcorn chicken), or raver spaghetti (strawberry Sour Punch Straws that I eat with a fork). I know, I’m basically the Canadian Guy Fieri.
At the very least I hope they make Skinnygirl weed taste better than Skinnygirl booze, because I once tried a Skinnygirl mojito and it made me immediately want to eat an entire bowl of 7-layer dip to help me forget about the taste of toothpaste-flavored nut sweat in my mouth.