While Ryan Reynolds was being consoled by Andrew Garfield (“I know I know, you would have won if musicals and comedies had separate categories“), Ryan Gosling thanked the Hollywood Foreign Press Association for giving him his first Golden Globe award. Ryan took home Best Actor in a Musical/Comedy last night for La La Land, and he filled his acceptance speech with nice things about his “lady” Eva Mendes.
As the marriage of one famous couple implodes like a box of firecrackers that was set too close to the campfire, another famous couple has said “Fuck it, let’s try this marriage thing.” UsWeekly says that Ryan Gosling and Eva Mendes are married. Not just that, they also claim they’ve been married for a while. I’m sure there’s a handful of McGosling die-hards out there who just shouted “Married to other people, right? Like, Ryan got secret married to a woman named Rachel? Right? RIGHT?!?” No, Ryan got married to the mother of his two kids, Eva Mendes. You may commence weeping into your special edition The Notebook Blu-ray now.
On April 14, it was reported that one of Ryan Gosling’s Canadian jizz fish fucked its way into one of Eva Mendes’ eggs, creating their second child. Ryan and Eva have permanently SuperGlued a “privacy please” sign on their personal lives, so they didn’t confirm or deny that she had another GosBaby growing in her womb. Well, TMZ says that two weeks after that news came out, Eva gave birth to their baby and we’re all just finding out now. I know, your boyfriend Ryan Gosling betrayed you by making one baby with that trollop skeezer whore Eva Mendes, and then he betrayed you again by making another baby with her, and now he’s betrayed you a third time by not telling you about his second child’s birth. You better give your Ryan Gosling body pillow a serious talking to before you hump on it tonight.
We only know about the birth of the second GosBaby, because TMZ got a hold of the birth certificate. Eva and Ryan’s second baby was born on April 29th at 8:03 in the morning at a hospital in Santa Monica, CA. Eva birthed out another girl and they named her Amada Lee Gosling. Amada is Eva’s abuelita’s name, and either she really loves her abuelita or really loves that name or both, because Amada is also their first child’s middle name. Ryan and Eva’s 20-month-old daughter is named Esmerelda Amada Gosling. In 16 years, the Gosling girls can form a girl pop duo called The Amadas.
I’m guessing that Ryan wore a disguise to the hospital, because if he didn’t, we would’ve heard about how all of the nurses and other patients released a panty pudding tsunami as soon as he strut in and winked at them. We would’ve heard about that on the news. But seriously, we shouldn’t call Eva and Ryan “celebrities” anymore. Because what in the hell kind of celebrity has a baby and doesn’t immediately tweet an announcement along with a black and white picture of the mom holding the kid’s hand?
And someone should tell Pimp Mama Kris that two famous types had a baby and didn’t whore out every second of their pregnancy and birth on Instagram. That’d make her head pop off, hit the ceiling and land on her demon neck again. That could be her new party trick!
As little Beauregard Cotton Reynolds (I’m guessing that’s the name they’re going with) grows inside of Blake Lively’s body and little David Silver II grows inside of Megan Fox’s body, a second child is maybe-growing inside of Eva Mendes’ body. The CASE OF THE BABIES is hitting everyone in Hollywood. There must be something in the water and that something must be jizz. Now that I mention it, the water in L.A. has been smelling like bleach and tasting like lukewarm egg whites lately. The L.A. County water district should sweeten it up a bit by adding pineapple extract.
UsWeekly has heard from multiple orgasms (for real typo and it stays) that 35-year-old Ryan Gosling humped another GosBaby into his 42-year-old piece of 5 years Eva Mendes. They don’t have any other details other than that Eva was trying to hide her baby-growing-area during a photo shoot a couple of months ago.
Eva Mendes has another bun in the oven! Multiple sources confirm exclusively to Us Weekly that the actress and her longtime boyfriend, Ryan Gosling, are expecting their second child together.
According to a source, the mom of daughter Esmeralda, 17 months, was spotted hiding her burgeoning bump during a photo shoot in Los Angeles in February.
Since their daughter’s name is Esmerelda, I’m going to place a bet on them naming their second child….wait for it….wait for it….Quasimodo! No, they’ll name it Marlon Brando Jr.
Eva and Ryan almost always have a “privacy please” sign hanging over the door to their lives, so they’ll probably never confirm this news. They didn’t really confirm it the first time. I get it, but can they stop being ~ohsoprivate~ and selfish for a second to pose for pictures at an event together? Because every time there’s news about them, I have to use the same damn picture of her looking like a bootleg Norma Desmond and him looking ten layers of stoned.
And it seems like all of the Ryans in Hollywood are having babies, so I bet Ryan Seacrest just felt a kick in his stomach. I hope Simon Cowell’s the daddy!
Ryan Gosling hardly ever says words about Eva Mendes, because he’s always get a “Privacy Please” sign on his mouth, but while promoting The Big Short during an interview with Hello! Canada, he blew a dozen air kisses at her. Ryan’s words about Eva are like extra hot daggers stuck in the hearts of all of the “shippers” who think that true love doesn’t exist until Ryan and Rachel McAdams get married and have ten million McGosling babies.
“I know that I’m with the person I’m supposed to be with,” he says, adding that the only quality he looks for in a woman is “that she’s Eva Mendes. There’s nothing else I’m looking for.”
And just like that, thousands of Ryan Gosling fangirls are going to legally change their name to “Eva Mendes” so they can have the one quality he’s looking for in a woman.
Ryan also talked about their one-year-old daughter Esmerelda a little. Ryan says that it’s only her second Christmas, but she’s already adopted the tradition of over-playing holiday music to death:
“This will be our first Christmas where [Esmeralda is] sort of taking it all in, so that’s exciting. She’s obsessed with the Hanson Christmas album! No disrespect to Hanson, they’re very talented kids, but I think I’ve heard that record enough. I’m sure it will be on a loop this Christmas as well.”
Ryan is better than me, because if I had a child and that child wanted me to play the Hanson Christmas album on a loop, I’d take that as a not-so-subtle sign that my kid hates me and lives to see me in pain. I’d sit my one-year-old baby down and say, “I was going to wait until you were 18 to have this talk with you, but since you’ve given me no other choice, I’m going to have to ask you to move out immediately. I’ll help you find a new place on Zillow.”
Yes, we’re talking about Eva Mendes talking about pants again. To quote Al Pacino in The Godfather III: just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in (“they” being pants, of course, and no, I don’t know what that even means). In case you just came out on a week-long coma, last week Eva Mendes made a joke about sweatpants being the dirty homewrecking slut responsible for breaking up most marriages in America, and now she’s coming after jeans, but this time she’s not joking.
“I love a soft pant…but if you see me in jeans it’s probably because all my skirts are at the dry cleaners or just dirty. I mean, I think jeans are really uncomfortable actually—aren’t they? They’re so restrictive! I always prefer a boyfriend jean, but I find those to be restrictive, too! It’s not unrealistic to see me in an outfit like this at home [points to her skirt], just without the belt and the shoes.”
Meanwhile, in a secret underground bunker located below the Macy’s at W35th and Broadway, Gloria Vanderbilt just called an emergency meeting of The Secret League of Denim Superheroes (Calvin Klein, Mr. Jordache, the reanimated zombie corpse of Levi Strauss) to discuss their newest foe Eva Mendes, aka THE SKIRTED MENACE.
Not liking jeans feels really random, but I can sort of see where she’s coming from. Jeans are your best friend until you eat one too many tacos, and then the waistband turn on you worse than if they caught you talking shit about their mom. Jeans are loyal to no one.