Jodie Foster And Jennifer Lawrence Will Present The Best Actress Oscar In Place Of Casey Affleck

Someone text Brie Larson and let her know she can make her hands slap together for every award winner this year. Jennifer Lawrence and Jodie Foster will be presenting the Best Actress statuette together this evening, according to Variety. Normally last year’s Best Actor winner handles that task. But last year’s Best Actor was alleged creep in a beard Casey Affleck and it’s #TimesUp for the handsy types. No one wants torches and pitchforks to take the stage at the Dolby Theatre. That should only happen if Meryl Streep wins because it IS possible for one woman to have too many accolades. Continue reading

Casey Affleck Isn’t Presenting Best Actress At The Oscars This Year. Hmm… I Wonder Why?

It’s Oscar tradition that the winner of the previous year’s Best Actor award present the Best Actress award (and the previous year’s Best Actress winner presents the Best Actor award). Because of that tradition, we got the beautiful moment where Brie Larson internally screamed “Go fuck yourself” while presenting Casey with the Best Actor award at last year’s Oscars. But sadly, we won’t get to see forever fuck-deficient Frances McDormand actually scream “Go fuck yourself” at Casey Affleck when he presents her with the Best Actress award (because she’s totally going to win). That’s not going to happen, because Casey isn’t going to the Oscars this year.

Continue reading

Armie Hammer Apologized To Casey Affleck

In a recent cover story with The Hollywood Reporter, should-be-down-on-his-knees-thanking-the-Hollywood-gods-for-this-unexpected-career-resurgence actor Armie Hammer had some thoughts about the current “Outing Celebrity Pervs Initiative 2017.” Armie appeared in 2016’s Birth of a Nation, a film that was seen by some as on a fast track to an Oscar nom. That was until it was revealed that writer/director/star Nate Parker had been acquitted of rape charges in 2001, with the victim committing suicide in 2012. And that was the last you saw of Birth of a Nation being feted by Hollywood. In the interview, Armie questioned why Nate Parker is now in “director jail” due to the incident resurfacing while Casey Affleck won an Oscar last year. Casey Affleck’s Oscar win was despite the revelation that he had been sued for sexual harassment by two crew members on his 2010 mockumentary I’m Still Here. Brie Larson must have nodded approvingly while reading that story. Continue reading

Armie Hammer Called Out Casey Affleck While Sort Of Defending Nate Parker

What are we to do with Armie Hammer? Some of the stuff he says is commendable, like the time he put James Woods on blast. Armie’s got us in a real pickle this time, because what he’s got to say is only half as great. During a new interview with The Hollywood Reporter, Armie called out greasy little alleged sexual assaulter Casey Affleck (yay!) while simultaneously defending acquitted rapist, director Nate Parker (boo!).

Continue reading

Casey Affleck Says Ben Affleck Won’t Be Playing Batman In A Solo Flick

Problematic Oscar-winner Casey Affleck claims that his big brother, Maine liquor store connoisseur Ben Affleck, will not be playing a probably hungover-looking Batman in a planned DC Comics Universe solo movie. He said this during a radio appearance yesterday, here in Affleck Land – Boston! I’m not sure why Casey didn’t let me know he was in town. He IS my enemy of old and we’re due for a rematch. I’ll explain in the last paragraph. Continue reading

Summer Phoenix Has Finally Filed For Divorce From Casey Affleck

Almost a year and a half after they announced they were calling it quits on their marriage of 10 years, Summer Phoenix has finally filed papers to divorce Oscar-winning (alleged) sleazeball Casey Affleck. I wonder what took her so long? Maybe she was holding off to see if they could squeeze in one more ironically too cool American Gothic-looking public appearance.

People obtained the court documents yesterday, and they say Joaquin Phoenix’s little sister has requested joint physical and legal custody of their two children, Indiana and Atticus. She has also asked for spousal support. People also adds that Casey and Summer technically split in November 2015, but held off on announcing it until last year.

People doesn’t say what Summer wrote in the section marked “reason for divorce.” The most likely option is that she went with the most standard choice of irreconcilable differences. But my drama-loving self wants to believe she wrote: “Oh, I don’t know…hmmm…whatever do you think could be the reason?”

So Casey is going to be a divorced dude. On the downside, he won’t be able to live that newly divorced dad life with his brother Ben Affleck. You know, since he’s busy with his blonde rebound. On the upside, this divorce news means that Casey will finally be able to pursue his true love: Vicki the Robot from Small Wonder! Ew, not Vicki back then – that would be gross. I mean Casey could call up Ted Lawson and ask him to build an adult version of Vicki. She and Casey would make a great couple for a double-date with Casey’s BFF Joaquin. The boys could talk about the good ol’ disgusting times, and Vicki and Rooney Mara could gossip about robot stuff.

Pic: Wenn.com