Category: Boo Hoo Bitch

We Can All Objectify Priyanka Chopra Now

December 27, 2016 / Posted by:

Priyanka Chopra is a terrible actress. However, she’s one of Hollywood’s new “It Girls” and just like most beautiful people, her looks will always get her a pass. Take for instance, her music (strike one). It’s not necessarily groundbreaking or even easy to listen to, but LOOK AT HER!!! Sultry glares into the camera, hair blowing in the wind, magical dance numbers and she has a song with Pitbull (aka Miami’s favorite club promoting uncle pimp).

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50 Cent Threatens To Quit “Power” Over Its Lack Of Golden Globe Nomination

December 13, 2016 / Posted by:

The nominations for the 2017 Golden Globes were announced yesterday. Of course, some television shows, movies, actors, and actresses didn’t make the list, and that’s bound to make some people mad. 50 Cent, for example, is really pissed off that Power, the Starz show he executive produces and co-stars on, was left out of the category for Best Television Series, Drama. Some people get their anger out by screaming into a pillow. 50 Cent’s pillow is Instagram, and so he threw his tantrum there.

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Stephenie Meyer Is Never Finishing That “Twilight” Spinoff Book And “Fifty Shades Of Grey” Is To Blame

October 9, 2015 / Posted by:

After the Twilight series made Stephenie Meyer a millionaire many times over, she tried to squeeze more coins out of that shit by writing a spin-off book titled Midnight Sun. The spinoff book re-tells the first Twilight book from Edward Cullen’s point of view instead of from the point of view of that dead-eyed Bella trick. Stephenie stopped writing Midnight Sun in 2008 when it was mysteriously leaked onto the Internet. She responded to the leak by releasing 12 unfinished chapters and said that she’ll finish the rest once everyone forgets about it. But now Midnight Sun will never rise (don’t worry, I hate myself for writing that too) and it’s all E.L. James’ fault!

Earlier this week, Stephenie Meyer farted up the news that she had re-written Twilight but gave Bella a peen and Edward a vampire vagina. She gender-swapped them. The Twihards rolled their eyes at that mess, because that’s not the Twilight book they’ve been waiting for. They want Midnight Sun for some reason. According to Stephenie, that’s never going to happen.

At New York Comic-Con, Stephenie told the room full of Twihards that after she finished the gender-swapped Twilight, she started working on Midnight Sun again. But the next day, she found out that she had been Single White Female’d once again by that copycat bitch E.L. James when it was announced that Grey was coming out. Grey is Fifty Shades of Shit as told from Christian Grey’s perspective. E.L. James’ snatched Stephenie’s idea and put it out first. via Entertainment Weekly 

“Midnight Sun is kind of cursed,” she reportedly told the crowd. When 12 unfinished chapters of Midnight Sun leaked in 2008, Meyer said she was upset and put the project on hold. She said at the Comic-Con panel that she recently wrote a bit more from Edward’s perspective. “What do you think was the top story on Yahoo the next morning?” she asked the crowd. “Grey.”

“It was a literal flip the table moment for me,” Meyer reportedly said. The book is still on hold.

A literal table flip? I can imagine all sorts of bizarre things, but I can’t imagine Stephenie Meyer doing this:

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Plagiarist whoooor-ah!

And there’s really only one way to settle this. They must fight to the death! Actually, no, that’s not a good idea. Because once they get into a room together, they made decide that their evil powers will strengthen if they join forces and that will lead to them shitting out a mash-up book called Fifty Shades of Twilight.

Pic: Splash

Nicki Minaj’s Piece Decided To Spill Some Shit On Twitter Last Night Too

July 22, 2015 / Posted by:

Meek Mill, which sounds like the name of a village in the Harry Potter world, wasn’t going to let Nicki Minaj get all the attention on Twitter last night. While Nicki Minaj took the Twitter mainstage, her on-and-off-again fiancé took the stage in the parking lot. Meek started off by saying that Nicki’s ex Safaree Samuel must be gay because he twerks and didn’t care when she gave Drake a lap dance. In Meek Mill’s mind, twerking + not losing it when Nicki gave a dude a lap dance in a video = DICK GOBBLER! Side note: Every time I see the name “Safaree,” my brain can’t help but burp up the image of Saaphyri “Lip Chap” Windsor from Flavor of Love and Charm School:

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Meek moved on from talking about the places Safaree’s booty hole has visited and went after Canadian prince Wheelchair Jimmy. Meek’s new album “Dreams Worth More Than Money” debuted at #1 in the US with nearly 215,000 copies (not including streams) sold, but he’s mad that some tricks are saying that it’s only a hit because he’s going to Mr. Nicki Minaj. Meek then aimed his hate at Drake. Drake has supported Meek for a while and they collaborated together on a track called “R.I.C.O.” for his album. Meek is sick of being compared to Drake and is pissed that Drake didn’t promote the track or album. Here’s just a little piece of Meek’s feelings (click here to read the rest):

First of all, Meek’s album title is a lie. Dreams are not worth more than money. I can’t pay for a bottle of wine at Smart + Final by telling the cashier a dream I had about blowing Prince Hot Ginge in a bunk bed at the Scientology Centre (I really had that beautiful dream). Second of all, Meek is so damn sensitive. So what if Drake didn’t stand on the corner holding a giant sandwich board with the words “Buy Meek’s Album” on it. Dude still sold over 200,000 copies in one week. Madonna would sell every single one of her children to get numbers like that today.

And now that he called out Wheelchair Jimmy, Meek Mill can blow a goodbye kiss to topping the Canadian Music Charts again. Toronto Councillor Norm Kelly has banned him from the city.

You’ve pissed Norm Kelly off, Meek. You’ve really done it now.

Taylor Swift Is Still Upset That People Think She’s A Desperate Boy-Chasing Clinger

May 8, 2015 / Posted by:

In case you didn’t hear her clearly enough the last time she said it, Taylor Swift wants you to know that she sheds more tears than her collection of vintage Lost n’ Founds whenever some meany-mo jokes that she’s run through more dudes than a runaway Monster Energy truck in the parking lot of a Nickelback concert.

During an interview with Tavi Gevinson for this month’s issue of ELLE, Taylor – who is serving up Jerrica Benton‘s preppy Pennsylvania cousin in Party City Ziggy Stardust drag on that cover – admits once again that she’s not here for the snarky bitches who joke about her reputation as a perpetually-heartbroken boy-crazy bundle of butterscotch-dipped desperation. While talking about being in the same place as one of her exes for two weeks (London, which means the ex was probably elfin hipster Harry Styles) and not feeling anxious about it, Taylor says:

“The first thought that came to my mind was, I’m finally clean. I’d been in this media hailstorm of people having a very misconstrued perception of who I was. There were really insensitive jokes being made at awards shows by hosts; there were snarky headlines in the press—’Taylor Goes Through a Breakup: Well, That Was Swift!’—focusing on all the wrong things.”

I just pictured a sad-faced Taylor Swift returning home from an awards show, putting on Jann Arden’s “Insensitive“, and slow dancing with one of her pussies while she boo-hoos about Tina Fey and Amy Poehler hurting her feewings. “Gawd Meredith, they act like I’ve dated half of Hollywood! A third maybe, but definitely not half.

Here’s more of Tay Tay looking like a sexed-up department store mannequin in ELLE:

Teresa Giudice’s Crisis Manager Dropped Her Ass For Asking A Judge To Send Her To The “Orange Is The New Black” Prison

October 21, 2014 / Posted by:

On January 5, 2015, Teresa Giudice of The Real Housewives of New Jersey begins serving the 15 months she got for taking part in the grifting schemes orchestrated by that shady chimp Juicy Joe and instead of trying to cooperate with the Bureau of Prisons, bitch is making accommodation requests.

Teresa’s Cha-Ka in bad drag looking ass hired legal crisis manager, Wendy Feldman, to help her deal with the orange diarrhea puddle that is her legal problems, but that relationship is now over. Wendy tells E! News that she erased Teresa’s name from her client list after that mess sent a letter to the judge begging to be sent to Danbury Federal Prison in Connecticut (where Orange is the New Black takes place). Wendy never approved the letter and wouldn’t ever let Teresa pull a move like that. Wendy spit this up to E!:

“I am not the consultant referred to in filing. This is clearly not the first time my advice has not been followed, but this is the time where the stakes are the highest. Both for my clients and myself, I work hard to maintain a strong relationship with the Bureau of Prisons. As I’ve tried to instruct Teresa, this is a process that must be respected. A designation to a camp is a gift, not a requirement from the BOP and the judge. By making this request, Teresa has jeopardized months of work, months of preparation and in fact may jeopardize where she is ultimately designated or sent to.

My ultimate responsibility is to all of my clients, not just to Teresa. I’m hopeful that, at some point, a change occurs and rehabilitation begins. My thought and wishes will always be with her children.”

That isn’t the only request Teresa made. What Teresa lacks in brain cells, she makes up for in gall, because TMZ says that her lawyer sent a letter to the judge claiming that some law states that she has the right to serve 12 months of her 15 month sentence in a halfway house instead of prison. Prosecutors shat on Teresa’s request and told the judge that convicted criminals don’t get to downgrade their punishment.

Teresa Giudice once said, “I don’t want to live in somebody else’s house. That’s gross,” so I’m surprised and disappointed in her that she didn’t ask the judge to build her a new prison, because she doesn’t want to live in somebody else’s prison. That’s gross. (Cut to the judge opening a letter from Teresa claiming that some law states that she has the right to serve her sentence in a new prison built for her because used prisons are gross.)

And Teresa probably wants to go to Danbury, because she thinks Orange is the New Black is a documentary and thinks they really shoot there. Teresa doesn’t want to be away from her only true love, the cameras, and ripping them apart would be the biggest punishment of all.

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