Jennifer’s Bomb

Er. Well, it looks like Megan Fox’s mouth of destruction launched a torpedo of words which exploded directly into her own movie. Box Office Mojo reports that Jennifer’s Body opened in the #5 spot at the box office this weekend with just $6.8 million. Even Jennifer Aniston’s Entenmann’s queef extravaganza Love Happens did better.

For some reason, I thought JB (also titled Megan’s Mouth) would’ve sold a shit load of tickets due to all the pube-challenged fanboys wanting to bust one into their popcorn while watching Megan kiss on Amanda Seyfried and chew on boys. I was wrong.

Here’s what the rest of the weekend box office looked like. I know Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs is a kids movie, but it sounds like hardcore gay porn featuring plenty of scat scenes. Yes, you can always find me in the gutter.

1. Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs – $30.1 million
2. The Informant! – $10.5 million
3. Tyler Perry’s I Can Do Bad All by Myself – $10.0 million
4. Love Happens – $8.4 million
5. Jennifer’s Body – $6.8 million
6. 9 – $5,5 million
7. Inglourious Basterds – $3.6 million
8. All About Steve – $3.4 million
9. Sorority Row – $2.5 million
10. The Final Destination – $2.4 million

Image VIA Fangoria

Tyler Durden To Take On Sherlock Holmes?

Guy Ritchie’s Sherlock Homeboy: The Hunt for Jude Law’s Next Baby Mama has wrapped up principal photography and is due out this Christmas, but The Mirror claims shit is about to change in a major way. According to sources, Warner Bros. wasn’t exactly blowing jizz bombs over the final cut and has demanded that Guy fix it pronto. They want Guy to re-shoot some scenes and add Sherlock’s arch rival, the evil Professor Moriarty, to the movie.

After being scolded by mommy and daddy, Guy immediately asked his old Snatch friend Brad Pitt to step in as Moriarty. Luckily for Guy, Brad has an open spot in his schedule and is available for the re-shoots. Brad has already arrived in London and will soon begin shooting.

A source said, “It was an oversight in the film not to make a bigger deal about Moriarty. He is mentioned as Holmes’ arch enemy, but the bosses wanted Guy to make more of him. Jude Law and Robert Downey Jr have already shot their scenes. But now that 10 extra days have been added to shoot the new ones, they may be called back for a day or two.”

Because of all the changes, the movie won’t open this Christmas and has been pushed into 2010.

Why bother with Benjamin Button’s?! I recently read that Guy wanted to explore Sherlock and Watson’s homoerotic relationship in this movie, so he could’ve just added a good old-fashioned ass-to-mouth scene at the end to sell more tickets. Nothing puts hos in seats like gay porn. Besides, I always felt that Watson’s face should be covered in man gravy when Sherlock delivers his signature line: “Elementary, my dear Watson.” Just pretend that made sense.

UPDATE: Well, fuck. A spokeswhore for Warner Bros. says this lies. They issued this statement to UsWeekly: “The report in today’s London Mirror is completely inaccurate. Brad Pitt is not joining the cast of Sherlock Holmes and we’re extremely pleased with the production of the film. As planned, it will be released on Christmas Day, 2009. In order to complete the movie, we’ve scheduled a few days on set to shoot a couple of additional scenes, obtain pick-up shots, and perfect some of the visual effects elements, all of which is standard filmmaking practice.”

Down The Rabbit Hole

Down the Rabbit Hole could also be a working title (later changed to Down the Gerbil Hole) for Richard Gere’s biography. But this isn’t about Richard Gere, this is about Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland. Here is the teaser trailer and it looks like it should’ve been called Johnny Depp in Carrot Top Land (with a stop off in Elijiah Wood-ville). I mean, it looks like the Mad Hatter is the true star of this CGI bukkake party. Alice who?

And even though Johnny has HoHan’s puss whiskers over his eyes, I’d still hit it. Honestly, how does have that kind of power over genitals?!

The Worst Ending Ever Might Also Be The Greatest

SPOILER ALERT! This is the ending from a 1987 movie called Student Confidential which has been titled “THE WORST ENDING EVER.” It co-stars Marlon Jackson, so you know it’s good shit. In the clip, the battered dude in the turtleneck gives some short speech about “inordinate amounts of money” before taking Marlon’s hands. Then they stare at each other for a really long time. Marlon just smiles while I think the other dude passes a really big kidney stone through his asshole. This is what most of my first dates look like.

And you can wait all you want, but Keyboard Cat is not showing up. There’s some things that even he won’t be a part of.

VIA FilmDrunk

Afternoon Crumbs

Justin Timberlake as the Green Lantern?! Jessica Biel would be a better choice. She does have the pecs and package for it. – Lainey Gossip

Bianca Gascoigne forgot to shake – Hollywood Tuna

Hayden Pantaloons might have stuffed her training bra – Egotastic!

Mr. and Mrs. Twitter sun their twatters in the Caribbean – Popsugar

Miranda Kerr nekkid or a 12-year-old ladyboy? (site NSFW) – Drunken Stepfather

Fuckery: Not a Chico’s kind of gay – Towleroad

Kim Kardassian really should have written a how-to-guide on how to make millions even though you are as useless as a dingle berry – Hollywood Rag

This would be the perfect diet if you replaced “Parliament cigarettes” with the good shit and “black coffee” with whiskey – Celebitchy

Pepaw Carrey – Just Jared

Chesus will not be happy about this – I’m Not Obsessed

HoHan’s new production company is probably a front for a meth ring, right? – Socialite Life

Beethoven has never looked skankier – ICYDK

Drunk dudes aren’t good at standing – Cityrag

The African Baby Snatcher Is Officially Triumphant!

After eating their breakfast of deep fried money, three judges in Malawi shuffled into court this morning and granted Vadge’s adoption of 3-year-old Mercy. As you know, they originally shut down Vadge, because she had not lived in the country for at least 18-months. She appealed and threatened to feed them to her roidy cooze monster, so they really had no choice. The mattress stuffed with money she sent them sealed the deal.

The judges also fingered Vadge’s b-hole by saying she has improved the lives of the children in Malawi with her organization. And then gallons of roid smegma came gushing out of her flooding the upper part of Manhattan. Oh yeah, Vadge isn’t even in Malawi. She’s still in NYC! The baby snatcher has no plans to travel to Africa to pick up her trophy!

According to People, Vadge is going to send a private jet to pick up Mercy. I guess FedEx wouldn’t pick up on the weekends.

That’s that. Money talks and the baby walks!