People who look exactly the same in every picture. Note: This shit will give you a seizure (Izismile via Buzzfeed)

Don’t talk shit about Loki Rourke (R.I.P.) or ELSE! – Celebitchy

John Mayer before he became one of the biggest d-bags the world has ever seen – SOW

Asshole Simpson is going to ruin Melrose Place forever and she’s smiling about it! – I’m Not Obsessed

Johnny Depp’s luscious locks will not be tamed – Socialite Life

Scott Speedman, just because – ICYDK

Pintos IN Cheese: People are fucking in Taco Bell bathrooms – Videogum

CUNT! – Holy Moly!

I’ve made jokes about how Blohan will soon have to shake her freckled coke bag tittays for an 8-ball and now it looks like she actually might have to. Juggle them chichis for some sugar!

Over the weekend, Blohan went to the opening night of Peepshow, an ass and titty show in Las Vegas starring Scary Spice and Kelly Monaco. Fox News says Blohan was there to meet with the show’s creator Jerry Mitchell about possibly replacing Kelly Monaco in three-months. One source said Blohan can’t wait, because she really is a triple threat. She’s a triple threat alright! Bitch is a master snorter, sucker and blower. Blohan thinks that doing the show will give her theater cred. Yeah, because learning how to do figure eights with nipple tassles while thrusting your pussay bone is really going to convince Broadway producers to cast her as Nora in A Doll’s House. Stick that on your resume under “other talents.”

The saddest and most hilarious part is that Blohan has to compete against Holly Madison and Brooke Burke for the role! That hurts like a dick after daggering. Next stop: pushing racks of clothes as an extra on The City!

You know, maybe this isn’t such a bad idea. I mean, not only is Las Vegas the perfect place for a cokey-brained booze-slut, but one of my idols in life, Nomi Malone, went from truck stop prostitute to titty star and it worked out so well for her. Blohan is totally the new Nomi Malone! “Different places!”

Here is your morning mug of piping hot laughs brought to you buy the whorey walrus that is Kim Kardassian! Yesterday, Kim posted this shit from UsWeekly about Forever 21’s new plus-size line which mentioned her and it really made her fat ass boil in anger (smells like charred jizz and rancid hamburger meat). Kim carefully placed her mountain-with-a-mudslide ass on the keyboard and her let butt lips do the writing:

I feel that this clipping from Us Magazine is a bit misleading, so I wanted to comment on it.

I am a huge fan of Forever 21 and I’m very happy they have expanded their line to include a plus-size range, but I am not in that size category and this article makes it sound like I am! I am a curvy girl and I love my curves, but curvy and plus-sized are two very different things. I work really hard to maintain my curves while staying slim and healthy, so to be classed as a “fuller-figured woman” of extra large proportions is a little offensive.

For the record, I am a size 2, not 2XL.

For the record, you are a size DUMB WHORE. Seriously, a SIZE 2?! Maybe if you take two size 2s and sew them together, you could cover one of her chunky ass cheeks. MAYBE. Does this trick shop at Jennifer Love Hewitt’s favorite store: Big, Short & Delusional? Kim proves that queefing out random numbers is nothing but fun!

This stupid Monday-to-Friday skeezer makes no sense. She loves her curves, yet being considered “full-figured” is offensive? You know what’s offensive? Kim Kardashian! UsWeekly never even called her plus-sized. Obviously, bitch needs to get a dude to piss in her ear again, because her one brain cell needs cleaning.

Khloe Kardashian, bring your “full-figured” ass over here and stomp on this pinche heffer!

Last night, we all probably had the same nightmare: St. Angie and her holy family were sitting all alone in their huge mansion and they were STARVING. Ravenous! Pax was in the corner chewing on a baseboard, Maddox was nibbling on Shiloh’s hair and Zahara was trying to kill mice with her eyes so they could roast ’em in the back on a BBQ made out of a trash can. Well, you can breath a huge sigh of relief, because UsWeekly has let it be known that the holy family went grocery shopping at Stop & Shop on Saturday!!!! Put down the phone to the Food Bank, they won’t need to make a delivery to the Brangie house.

Seriously, this mess was the TOP STORY this morning. But I know why, because after I read it I actually thought for 2 seconds about what they bought. And when I read this quote from a peon, “They gave autographs and allowed people to take pictures of them inside…very nice,” I wondered if they signed shit like melons or a big ham. Fuck, I would’ve made them sign a box of Summer’s Eve and a pack of suppositories.

In order for me to close my eyes and fall into a deep sleep tonight, I need someone out there to tell me that all their bowel movements are regular. Oh wait, they don’t go caca.

The winning caption along with the NSFWish picture is after the jump…… JUMP!!

Sealed With a Kiss: the Timberlake/Beil duet. – jiggywiddit

Runners-up:

Little Known Fact: Vadge has that exact same vein in hers! – Punch Drunk Bunny

The downside is after you hit it, you have to wait at least 30-45 minutes before hitting it again. – Celesteab

“I swear, I only smoke pole when I’m wasted!” – ISprainedMyUvula

Camille, a bridal consultant on TLC’s Say Yes to the Dress. More importantly, Camille is the most ravishing and elegant beauty on TLC (sorry Michelle Duggar). Her lip liner was pained by the hand of Cezanne, her exquisite eyebrows by Matisse and her mole by Picasso. Camille is a beauty that a million vatos would gat each other over. See poetry in motion at the 1:00 mark below:

For Celestina