Dakota Johnson Thinks Her Character In Fifty Shades Of Grey Is Boring

“Duh” – that outfit.

I’m the last person who should be judging movies (the fact that my favorite film – YES I SAID FILM – is Bio Dome tells you something about how few cylinders are firing at any given time in my brain) but even I know that without full-frontal dong-shots, Fifty Shades of Grey is bound to be a boring mess. And according to an interview with Vanity Fair (via Us Weekly) it looks like my hopes of Dakota Johnson coming to the rescue by embracing this goofy trash and camping it up are crushed, because even her character, Anastasia Steele, is putting her to sleep, too:

“[I did] a lot of getting into the character’s head — Ana’s headspace — kind of before she meets Christian,” Johnson explained to the magazine. “So it’s a lot of reading, which I love. But she’s an English major, so that’s kind of boring.”

Why oh why couldn’t E. L. James have written Anastasia Steele as a melodramatic, glue-sniffing, washed-up model from the 90s?? Unless they’re re-writing part of the script to include a wisecracking robot with a penchant for butt jokes, nothing can save this movie. Regardless, at least Dakota someone will pay to watch it:

Johnson, like Fifty Shades fans, can’t wait for the premiere — and to see who will attend. “I wonder if it will be, like, 40-year-old moms, which I am cool with,” she said. “I love moms.”

That’s nice, but know who won’t love the thousands of 40-year-old Fifty Shades moms? The poor souls assigned to clean up the red carpet after the premiere. Mark my words: that carpet will be so flood-damaged, FEMA will be called in with every 10 gallon capacity wet/dry vacuum cleaner in the country and an industrial-sized vat of Febreze.