Category: You Need Help

JP Morgan Chase Dropped Kanye West As A Client And Ray J. Joined Him For The Premier Of Candace Owens’ BLM Documentary

October 13, 2022 / Posted by:

Following Kanye West’s most recent Too Hot for Fox News/HBO/Twitter/Instagram antics, he took some time out of his busy breakdown to rub elbows with some of Hollywood’s most glamorous conservative elites at a screening of his best Judy Candace Owens’s new documentary The Greatest Lie Ever Sold: George Floyd and the Rise of BLM. It was a glitzy affair attended by the smartest, most talented, and most beautiful stars in conservative circles including Kid Rock, MMA fighter Colby Covington, Candace herself, and Ray J., the guy who fucked Kanye’s ex-wife in a widely circulated videotape. Kanye even dressed up for the occasion sporting an oversized tuxedo jacket, oversized galoshes and “his now-iconic black baseball hat” twelve sizes too small that reads 51502024.

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A Couple In Hawaii Have Filed A Restraining Order Against Ezra Miller For Threatening Them In Their Home

March 30, 2022 / Posted by:

During the Oscars, the scene in Zack Snyder’s Justice League where The Flash enters the speed zone was named the Most Cheer-worthy Moment In Cinema History. But now, The Flash’s position in cinema history is in danger. After getting arrested in a bar in Hilo, Hawaii for disorderly conduct and harassment shortly after midnight on Monday, the titular Flash, Ezra Miller, has had a restraining order filed against them by two Hilo residents who were hosting them on the island. The complaint against Ezra alleges that they busted into the couple’s bedroom and “threatened the alleged male victim by ‘saying ‘I will bury you and your slut wife,’” the morning following their arrest. The couple had even paid their $500 bail! No matter how you look at it, that is most certainly NOT cheer-worthy behavior!

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Open Post: Hosted By The Thin, Thin Ice Of The Netherlands

February 16, 2021 / Posted by:

It’s an exciting time to be Dutch. For the first time in three years, canals in the Netherlands have frozen over, meaning the people of Amsterdam can strap on their skates, Tara Lipinski around through the city, and eventually fall through the ice like Amy in Little Women. Because ijs niet overal goed (“the ice isn’t good everywhere”). One victim of the thin ice has gone viral; a man, wearing only a bathing suit and man bun, was filmed falling through the ice, being pulled back up by a rope, bowing, and then skating away. He was, presumably, never seen again.

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Some Dramatic Effed-Up Shit Happened At The Lohan-Major Home Last Night

February 18, 2014 / Posted by:

And no, I’m not talking about his face; life took an effed-up shit on that a long time ago. And then the sun dried it out. And then God sprinkled it with douche-salts and cured it like a piece of jerk-flavored jerky. And then your dog found it in the park and threw you a LIGAF?-face when you screamed “Scooter NOOO! Don’t eat that!”

TMZ is reporting that they have the exclusive details of a domestic dispute between noted anal wart, Michael Lohan, and his girlfriend Kate Major at their home in Florida. It all began Monday evening when Kate locked herself in the bathroom after a fight with Michael, and mistook Twitter for 911 by tweeting:

Threatening to take our son. What judge would rule for him??? Stuck inside a house with this guy? He has a knife.

You know, just typical Twitter stuff. “Just tweeting about that time I locked myself in the bathroom with my son because my boyfriend was brandishing a knife! LULZ #SoRandom”. TMZ then says that a source close to the couple (Michael holding his finger above his lip like a pretend moustache) claims that Kate’s erratic behavior worried Michael enough to call 911 (…right after calling TMZ). When police arrived, Michael told officers that Kate was drunk and he worried for the safety of his son, but neither Michael nor Kate would leave the house.

Because being a hysterical attention-starved mess isn’t against the law in Florida, police left the Lohan-Major home without arresting either of those dum-dums. Kate went on to delete the crazy shit she said on Twitter and tweeted a weird apology, while Michael kept hitting TMZ’s number on speed dial until someone picked up so he could sell out his girlfriend as a drunk, crazy mess. Michael told TMZ that Kate is a lie-telling liar who’s drinking has gotten so out of control that she tried to kill herself this weekend and that if she doesn’t get help, he’s going to seek sole custody of their son, Landon. And because I hope it NEVER gets to that, I’m crossing my fingers that there’s a family of kindly swamp gators who will step forward and snatch baby Landon from his stroller in the parking lot of a Waffle House and raise him as one of their own.

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