Lindsay Lohan Miraculously Recovers And Flies To L.A. For Court

January 30, 2013 / Posted by:

Lindsay Lohan wasn’t going to show her face in an L.A. court room today, because her lawyer Lionel Hutz Mark Heller gave the judge a note from her NYC doctor that said she was suffering from an upper respiratory infection and could infect all the other passengers with the sicks if she flies to California. But I guess TMZ spooked the flu right out of that bitch. Because apparently after TMZ said the judge could issue a warrant for her arrest, LiLo grabbed White Oprah, ran down to the bar at the Hilton Garden, flirted with a couple of half-blind 60-something businessmen, lured them to the bathroom, stole their wallets while her mother gave them a double handy and then used their credit cards to buy two first class tickets from JFK to LAX.

White Oprah and LiLo landed at LAX last night and the passengers on the flight said that they didn’t catch the flu, but they did catch a severe case of the rolling eyeballs and an even worse case of the HAHAHAs after seeing that bitch’s outfit.

How many different kinds of animals were butchered to make that outfit? Several cows from the 80s were killed to make those pants. Several dude seals had their foreskin ripped off of their peens to make those lips. And that period-stained crotch fur was ripped off of a Kardashian to make those sleeves. Bitch is dressed like a retired pro wrestler from the 80s. I bet oxygen masks dropped halfway through the flight, because when you mix LiLo’s sweaty crotch with leather pants you get some stuff you don’t want to inhale.

And if you live in L.A. and have a spare bedroom, you should check it, because LiLo and White Oprah are probably sleeping in there after breaking into your house. Because TMZ says that LiLo tried to check into Shutters in Santa Monica last night, but she’s been blacklisted for trashing a room in 2007. LiLo also tried checking into the Loews, but they told her they were all booked. LiLo also tried checking into the Motel 6 in Van Nuys, but I guess they’re still mad at her for leaving the dead body of her overdosed johns in their room after a call gone wrong.

LiLo is supposed to be in court at around 8:30 L.A. time, but she might not have a lawyer with her. Shawn Holley would rather eat a rat’s vagina than go back to LiLo and the judge might not approve Mark Heller since he doesn’t have a license to practice in CA and he’s never met the L.A.-based lawyer who’s supposedly sponsoring him.  I really hope that White Oprah represents that mess in court today. White Oprah watched all the court scenes from Legally Blonde on the plane ride over and she gave a beej to a first year law student in the lavatory, so she’s totally qualified.

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