And Here’s That Picture Of Dina Lohan With The Busted Eye (Allegedly) Given To Her By Michael Lohan

Yesterday, The New York Daily News published an EXCLUSIVO interview with White Oprah where she said that Lindsay Lohan gained her amazing ability to fuck up constantly by watching her ass wart of a father abuse her mother. It was just another feel good family story from the Lohans! As White Oprah cried into a check from the NYDN that read, “Pay To The Order Of: White Oprah Memo: EXCLUSIVO interview,” she told them that she decided to come out about being abused and raped by Michael Lohan after Lindsay Lohan told her to. LiLo told White Oprah that she must tell her story after seeing a picture of her with a welt on her eye, and now Entertainment Tonight has magically gotten a hold of that picture.

ET has an entire gallery of pictures of White Oprah’s vintage bruised up face throughout the years. Michael Lohan still claims that he never beat up White Oprah and he claims that she got the bruise in the picture above after he defended himself from her attacking him with an ice tray. “She attacked me with an ice tray” is the new “she ran into my fist.” I’m sure it won’t be long before Michael Lohan sells a picture of the ice tray White Oprah attacked with him with to The Insider.

Two quick things: a young White Oprah looks like what The Curious Case of Ali Lohan would’ve looked like in her 20s if her shit parents didn’t replace her innocence and youth with silicone and diet pills. And before Lindsay Lohan’s shit parents watered her daily with liquid meth and milk of delusion, she was an adorable baby. An adorable baby who always had a look on her face like she was searching for the nearest exit. If only she found that exit.

Here’s LiLo going to read Mother Goose stories to orphans in London last night (aka going to a club to drink her lips off).

You’ve Got To Pay To Party With Lindsay Lohan

Why anyone would want to party with Lindsay Lohan, let alone pay for it, is beyond me. Bitch will drink your entire supply of booze, snatch your wallet, clog up all the toilets and say goodbye by punching you in the face. Bitch kills a party faster than an angry drunk abuelita with diarrhea. But the third in line to the throne of Brunei did pay Lindsay Lohan to show up to his party in London. Prince Azim could’ve lured LiLo to his party by leaving a trail of jooree, bottles of Popov vodka and generic Adderall from NYC to London, but I guess he loves wasting money, because he paid her $100,000.

White Oprah tells Huffington Post that LiLo didn’t go to London to enter the Celebrity Big Brother house with other A-listers like Heidi Montag, Spencer Pratt and (insert the name of a bunch of British never-wases here).  LiLo went to London, because the Prince of Brunei dialed up Rent-A-Mess and summoned her there. Just like Mariah Carey and Raquel Welch before her, Lindsay Lohan was paid a shit load of money and had all her expenses taken care of by Prince Azim. Some source tells the NYDN that Prince Azim loves renting celebrities for his parties and since LiLo is hard up for a dollar, she took that check. For some reason the NYDN asked Michael Lohan about LiLo getting paid to party and he opened up his corroded pie hole to queef this out: “Now she’s getting paid for dates?” and Michael Lohan went on to say, “…and since I’m her co-pimp, bitch better have my cut.” 

Some people are laughing at LiLo’s newest act of desperation, but in all seriousness I think it’s a smart move. Lindsay Lohan got paid to be Lindsay Lohan. Prince Azim sat on this throne and clapped all gleefully as LiLo slapped his guests, deep-throated several bottles of Grey Goose, ran over a baby, made the bartender empty out the cash register and then gave the prince a half-assed hand job while re-tweeting a Winston Churchill quote. Bitch does that for free every single night, so I can’t hate on her for getting paid for it. That should be LiLo’s new career. Clowns and mariachi bands are out! If you want to make your next party a memorable experience, hire a cracked out jester.

Here’s LiLo showing off her new lips while waltzing into a restaurant in London the other night.

Making LieLo Look Sober Isn’t Easy

It’s not what you think!! Dina Lohan is NOT completely exploded in the brains out of her mind sidewalk licking DRUNK in these pictures. She is just being an excellent mother by trying to distract everyone from the bloated wasted mess in yet another fur (the Salvation Army must have had a clearance sale) that is her daughter Lindsay. Good plan Dina!! Because the first thing I noticed was that your ass was falling off of your heels and you looked about two seconds from throwing down a pile of puke and then face planting into a cactus or whatever plant was handy. Like daughter, like mother. LieLo looks positively fresh and sober in comparison and that is no easy task. Slow clap for 2008’s Mother of the Year!

The pictures were taken on December 30th when they were leaving Cipriani in London. SEE JUDGE? Lindsay said she was going to stay in for New Years Eve (she didn’t) and get her life straight in 2013 (she won’t), so technically, you and the rest of us should be okay with this (we aren’t)!

Detective White Oprah Sees You, Michael Lohan

Everyone knows Lindsay Lohan was set up, even Lindsay Lohan knows this and she’s got coke mush for brains. LiLo’s mom White Oprah thinks she’s solved the mystery of who is the mastermind behind the set up. You can laugh all you want, but White Oprah IS a skilled-mystery solver. Every time she plays a drunken game of Clue by herself, she wins. She also once gave a lazy hand job to a bartender who acts in Murder Mystery Dinner Theater productions on the weekends. White Oprah knows her mystery-solving stuff.

A detective usually doesn’t reveal her suspicions until she’s solved the crime, but Radar offered White Oprah a half-bottle of gin, so she couldn’t resist. The new Detective La Toya had this to say about the fortune teller who is accusing her precious child of assault and battery:

“I am increasingly disturbed to be told Ms. Allred’s new client lives in Palm Beach just minutes from my ex-husband’s home. What else is there to learn about the circumstances surrounding this unfortunate incident?”

Keep raising that monocle, White Oprah! It’s extremely suspicious that two people have lived in the same city as each other. They’re obviously in CAHOOTS! White Oprah will say she told us so when a picture comes out of Tiffany Mitchell getting a black belt from Michael Lohan’s Karate School of Pussy Punting.

Michael Lohan, of course, responded to White Oprah’s subtle accusation:

“Dina’s comments are delusional and just go to show the lengths she’ll go to divide me from my children and pollute their minds. The public can see right through her. It’s a really sad situation when a mother doesn’t join hands with a father to help their daughter instead of
making up stories about him.”

White Oprah can’t hold hands with Michael Lohan, because one hand’s got a magnifying glass in it and the other hand’s holding a plastic cup full of her trusty sidekick, Dr. Charles Tanqueray.

And as Lindsay Lohan shits out potatoes from sucking down so much vodka, her parents are fighting in the media. White Oprah & Michael Lohan: teaching us how to be good parents since 1986.

QOTD: Dina Lohan Hates Cocaine

The world collectively shrugged when Lindsay Lohan said that her mom was on coke during a drunken mess of a call to her piece of trash father after partying most of the night. This was a surprise to no one, because you don’t get nostrils like that just from breathing in air, bitch. Nostrils don’t lie. Oh, but LiLo’s mom White Oprah says they do. The cocaine industry’s Mother of Every Year told Entertainment Tonight that she cried out real tears when LiLo accused her of inhaling the bad shit and she’s glad that her daughter finally told the truth. Today’s daily laugh is powered by this:

“Absolutely lied. We were having an argument, it escalated. She just wanted to hurt me at that moment. You know, mothers [and] daughters, we fight. I hate cocaine. I don’t do cocaine.

I’m so proud of her for telling the truth because it destroyed me. I mean, I cried for weeks. It just hurt me so bad and she knew how horrible that was, and she came clean and told the truth that she lied. I’m very proud of her for that, which is very difficult to have to do. There’s so much more to the story than the public sees, and it takes its toll on my children and myself, and we’re just trying to move forward.”

White Oprah went on to say, “No, I really, really hate cocaine. I hate cocaine more than I hate working and that says a lot. Wait, do you have any coke on you? I’m only asking because I can’t even be in the same room with the stuff. I don’t even know what it looks like! But if you have any, give it to me and I’ll throw it away in the bathroom. While I’m flushing that Satan powder down the toilet in the bathroom, you might hear me snorting and sniffling. That’s just me having an allergic reaction to cocaine. Yes, I’m allergic to it. Cocaine even hates me! No, seriously, do you have any?“

And every coke dealer in the Long Island area is extra sad today. White Oprah just denied their beautiful relationship. This is like when the dude you’ve been hooking up with for weeks ignores you in the bar. What a cold cokehead that White Oprah is.

Good Luck With That, Michael Lohan

With a TMZ cameraman and a reporter from Radar at his side, Michael Lohan tried and failed to get Lindsay Lohan into rehab on Friday. One of TMZ’s sources (fun fact: “One of TMZ’s sources” is Latin for Michael Lohan) says that LiLo’s entire team including her manager and lawyers want her to dry up in rehab, because she’s eating Adderall faster than a Kardashian’s pussy eats black dick and she’s drinking a bottle and a half of vodka every day (“What’s wrong with that?” says you as you open a second bottle of Popov at 8:30 in the morning). I know, a bottle and A HALF? What kind of self-respecting alcoholic doesn’t finish all of the second bottle? For shame.

Michael has e-mails proving that LiLo’s manager, entertainment lawyer and criminal defense lawyer Shawn Holley were all in on the intervention that didn’t happen. But since that intervention didn’t happen, Michael is moving on to Plan B. I wish what I meant by that was that Michael Lohan plans to shove a bunch of Plan B pills up into his peen hole so he can never procreate again since he has no business being anybody’s father, but that’s not what I mean. Michael tells TMZ that he’s going to go to the court this week and ask for them to force LiLo into a conservatorship. Even Michael Lohan knows that a dog’s dried dingle would make a better conservator than him, so he’s asking the judge to make somebody else her conservator. Anybody but LiLo’s mom/wallet leech White Oprah. 

Michael is also making plans to get LiLo into rehab and away from all the bad influences around her. Michael also hopes that if a judge orders that LiLo needs a life controller, he hopes that life controller will talk White Oprah into going to family therapy.

Michael Lohan’s brain actually farted up a good idea, but the court should take this all the way. The court should put the ENTIRE Lohan family under a conservatorship. It should be illegal for every member of the Lohan family to make decisions for themselves. Michael Lohan needs a conservator to tell him to stop getting a check by using his daughter’s name and to make his own money by getting a real job as a day salesman at a mid-range car dealership since he already has the outfit for it (see picture above). White Oprah needs a conservator to force her to get a sanity cell implanted in her brain since hers was eaten away by low-grade coke a long time ago. And Ali Lohan needs a conservator to hire Liam Neeson to save her from the Korean sex ring her mom forced her into.

And here’s LiLo looking like Julie Cooper’s mom at a press conference for Liz & Dick.