Oh, I Do Love A Good Crown Snatching

Being a gracious loser is so overrated and life’s too short to not snatch a crown right off of a trick’s head. The runner-up of Miss Amazonas 2015 knows what I’m talking about and when she lost the main prize on Friday in Brazil, she won the title of Miss Fuck It 2015 when she yanked the crown off of the winner’s head.

The Guardian says that when Carol Toledo won the title of Miss Amazonas 2015, the other beauty queens put on manufactured smiles and pretended to be happy, but not the runner-up Sheislane Hayalla (that’s Portuguese for “Stay in your lane, bitch“). Sheislane hugged Carol at first, but then she couldn’t resist the urge to show those judges that she’s the real winner by displaying grace and elegance. After Carol Toledo was crowned, Sheislane Hayalla pulled her crown off, threw it on the floor and sashayed away while screaming something in Portuguese as the contestant in yellow clapped for her. I like that queen in yellow. She is the kind of friend who will hold your purse when you need to fight a bitch and fix your lipstick for you afterward.

Sheislane later apologized in a video and on Facebook, but said she didn’t regret crown-snatching a trick, because she wanted to show everyone that money shouldn’t be able to buy you everything. Sheislane believes Carol’s win was bought.

“I wanted to express my disapproval of the actions in the preparations for Miss Amazonas 2015. I do not regret having protested. I believe I have planted change in this great contest. I wanted something clean and honest.”

Well, Sheislane could be removed as runner-up and Carol is going on to represent her state in the Miss Brazil pageant, so I don’t know what kind of change she’s talking about. Maybe she means that next year pageant officials will Super Glue that crown onto the head of the chick who bought it so her rival can’t rip it off. I do love a good crown-snatching and I want to slow clap while giving Sheislane a standing ovation, but I can’t. That was some sloppy work. She really should’ve trained with Miss Wig Snatcher Brazil 2009. When you snatch a trick’s crown, you need to silently creep up on her like a ninja and snatch that tiara and her hair in one swoop before disappearing into the darkness.

YES! That is how it’s done. Scalp that bitch and leave her practically bald.

A Woman Name Princess Left Her Young Kids In Her SUV To Blow Her Boyfriend In A Walmart Parking Lot

That’s a headline that’ll make the entire state of Florida shake in fear over their future, because this happened in Louisiana and not in Florida. Florida, Louisiana is coming for your title as America’s foremost producer of fuckery.

The Smoking Gun brings us this story that reads like something straight out of a book of People of Walmart fanfiction. A 25-year-old mother of two named Princess Marks (it’s always a Princess) was arrested after she admitted to cops that she was slurping up her “boyfriend’s” peen in his car while her kids, ages 5 and 7, were left by themselves in her SUV. At 12:30 in the morning on Friday, the cops showed up to a Walmart parking lot in Lake Charles, LA after someone called 911 to report two little kids left in an SUV by themselves. The SUV wasn’t running and all the windows were down. Princess Marks strolled up to her SUV a few minutes later and told the cops that she left her kids by themselves while she sucked her man’s dick and she also admitted that it was kind of impossible to keep an eye on her kids since her face was full of man crotch.

Princess was charged with child desertion and was later released on $5,000 bail. Her kids are being taken care of by family members.

If you’re shaking your head at Princess and saying to yourself that she sucks as a mother and shouldn’t have anymore kids, ask yourself this, don’t you think she knows that? Why do you think she was giving a blow job instead screwing?

Princess has a pair of perfectly sculpted eyebrows, so I should trust all the decisions she makes, but I can’t. If the dude was really her boyfriend and if she was really giving him head, then she needs to dumps his ass immediately, because how can you be with a dude who won’t look out for the cops and check on your kids while you’re licking his peen?  That’s a question you should ask during every first date. As soon as you sit down, ask the dude, “If I suck you off in a Walmart parking lot at midnight, are you going to check for the cops and check on my kids in the next car over?” If he looks at you funny or says no, ask the server to pack up your appetizer to go and get out of there. He’s obviously not boyfriend material.

And this story is a PSA to all future parents: This is what happens you name your kid Princess.

Nicki Minaj Continues To Redefine Taste And Class With The Artwork For Her Latest Single

The normally timid and reserved Nicki Minaj teased the release of her new single “Anaconda” by posting the artwork to Instagram today, and it truly is an example of refined elegance and chaste beauty. In keeping with the snake theme, Nicki wrapped her butter-basted honey baked silicone butt hams in pink rubber bands to mimic a giant anaconda attempting to swallow an over-inflated PogoBall. It’s a bit subtle, but understated imagery has always been a defining characteristic of her work. While a less-modest woman might have agreed to take a raunchy picture with her legs open or her pussy-out, Nicki decided to keep it classy by coyly turning her coochie away from the camera, as if to say: “Let’s leave a little something to the imagination, shall we?” My goodness, such a tease!

And even though it looks trés gauche next to such a demure lady, it’s a good thing she added the parental advisory warning to the lower right-hand corner, otherwise people might mistake it for an advertisement for a finishing school. Of course, Nicki Minja isn’t always such a tasteful classy woman; sometimes (read: all the fucking time) she’s a shady wig-snatching bitch. Like when she took to Twitter yesterday to take some not-so-subtle swipes at Australian rapper Iggy Azalea.

If Nicki is truly striving for greatness, she should have called a bitch out by name. It’s too easy to Twitter hiss in someone’s general direction; you’ve got to challenge yourself! Don’t be cutting corners, Nicki – continue to strive for cunty greatness! Go for the froat next time!

Pic: Instagram

Question Of The Day: Would You Blow 24 Dudes In A Bar For A $4 Bottle Of Cava?

Stop shaking your heads “hell yes,” John Traavolta and Parasite Hilton. You’re not part of this discussion. The class already knows that you’ll do it for free.

The Daily Mail, where I get all my blow job orgy news from, says that Mayor Manuel Onieva has launched an investigation into a video of a tourist, who is reportedly from Britain, sucking on 24 peens during a sex game in a bar on the Spanish resort town of Magaluf. The video went viral today and I don’t think that’s the only thing that went viral. In the video (there’s a semi-censored NSFW version here), the chick puts a peen in her mouth, barely sucks it for a millisecond, jumps to the next one, does the same thing and so and so on. Chick is a speed sucker and it feels like she goes through 10 dicks in 30 seconds. It’s like watching the Energizer Bunny on meth being the pass-around-patty at a blowjobs-only sex party. Apparently, this sort of thing isn’t uncommon in Magaluf. Many bars host sex parties where they get chicks to do sex stuff on dudes as the crowd and DJ cheers them on. Mayor Onieva says that “mamading” parties (“mamada” means beej in Spanish, basically) are illegal and the bar could get into trouble.

The Daily Mail also says that after putting 24 strange dicks in her mouth, the chick got a bottle of cava worth 3 euros. Okay….

If she was just really in the mood to suck on 24 floppy and semi-soft peens that she didn’t wash beforehand and it wasn’t about a prize, then I say, you do you (and those 24 peens), bitch. I am not judging her for that at all, because who hasn’t been in a bar and thought to themselves, “I just really want to suck off everybody in here.” Just me? Okay, then. But if she was doing it for a $4 bottle of cava, then I need to ask, how bad is the economy in Britain? Has it really come to that? She should’ve at least aimed for a drink a dick. Or since she might’ve put a little HPV, herpes, gonorrhea and chlamydia on her tongue while she was sucking off all those strangers, the bar could’ve at least thrown in a bottle of sparkling antibiotics.

Sucking off 24 dudes for a bottle of $4 cava is the definition of “she don’t love herself.” I mean, that’s like sucking off 24 dudes for a bottle of Strawberry Hill. Hmmm, since I put it that way….

I really wish that after she blew the last dude on the blow job train, she jumped up and screamed, “I’ve got a cold sore! Joke’s on all of you skanks!”

And if you need the answer to my headline question, then you really don’t know me.

Everybody Was A Damn Mess At The Daytime Emmys Last Night

I don’t know if they pick themes for the Daytime Emmy Awards, but if I had to guess what last night’s theme was, it’s clearly “A Tribute to True Class and Good Taste”. Every single moment, from the very first drunken stumble down the red carpet to the last rambling, profanity-laced acceptance speech, was practically a textbook definition of refinement, elegance, and dignity.

Take, for example, the understated elegance of demure English Rose Sharon Osbourne, who announced her arrival on the red carpet by throwing up a classy set of ‘pussy fingers’. Wow. Such elegance. Much grace. Of course Sharon committed fully to the theme by acting like a horny late-in-life lesbian memaw by going for the crotch and tits of her The Talk co-stars Sheryl Underwood and Sara Gilbert.

But the real show happened inside, when Sharon presented an award (I know, I’m shocked she was still able to stand upright) and treated the audience to some “Drunk Aunt Carol going through some shit during Thanksgiving dinner” realness. Luckily, the 41st Daytime Emmys were only being broadcast online (how very amateur porn of you, Daytime Emmys):

“Finally! My lord, I feel like I’ve been her for five fucking hours and I just got here. Everyone can throw up in the toilet and go home and fuck everyone they work with. It’s not being televised. So just fucking get pissed.”

Speaking of pissed, the Emmy producers are probably super pissed today that they gave Giuliana Rancic (who looked like a beautiful shimmering brunette grasshopper bride) the night off from her duties as Head Red Carpet Microphone Ghoul, because the four “social media” mouth breathers they let take over the red carpet failed harder than Kim Kardashian trying to remember her baby’s name. Rape jokes, jokes about fucking underage kids, referring to Lawrence Saint-Victor from The Bold and the Beautiful as “a beautiful chocolate man”; it was like watching 4-goon pile-up that no one wanted to call in the jaws of life for.

Here’s more from the Primetime Emmy Awards Franzia-chugging Valium-snorting unstable disaster of an older sister. Sadly, the Daytime Emmys didn’t reach their full messy potential, because one Very Important Day Drunk was missing: KATHIE LEE GIFFORD!!!

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Scout Willis Approves!

RiRi knows that it’s been approximately 45 seconds since we’ve seen her alien nipples and that’s way too long, so she brought the #FREETHENIPPLE movement to the CFDA Awards in NYC tonight by wearing tons of fucking sparkles, a stole made out of Poochie and not much else. Bitch is giving me headline stripper Josephine Baker. I love it, because it’s an elegant ensemble that can easily take you from the stroll to cocktails with THE QUEEN, it’s covered in crystals (and my gay eyes jizz for crystals) and she almost reached the high levels of demureness and sophistication that Rose McGowan reached at the VMAs a million years ago.

And Miley Cyrus has been challenged. Expect Miley to show up to the Frederick’s of Hollywood Awards held in the parking lot of a strip mall in Florida wearing nothing but exquisite Lucite heels and a beaded tampon string hanging out of her twat.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com