The VMA Nominations Were Announced This Morning And Beyoncé Was Nominated For Everything

You know Beyoncé is so pissed right now. She released a whole album’s worth of ~deep~ music videos, and all she gets are 8 crappy Video Music Awards nominations?!? She probably thought MTV would create a special Beyoncé-centric awards ceremony honoring her achievement in film called the MTV (in association with The Illuminati) Presents Creative Excellence in Moving Pictures: A Tribute to Her Majesty BEYONCÉ!!!

But it is nice of MTV to actually go along with the charade of releasing nominations and not just backing a dump truck full of moon man statues into Beyoncé’s driveway. That’s very thoughtful of them. UsWeekly has the whole list of nominations, but the important ones (aka BEYONCÉ’S NOMINATIONS!!! aka her future wins) are after the jump. Continue reading

Bitches Got Booed: The One Direction Edition

Woe is One Direction. They really had it hard last night. Harry Styles may or may not have gotten cursed out by Taylor of Sunnybrook Farms and then when they won Song of the Summer for their song “Best Song Ever” (aka Biggest Lie Ever), a tornado of boos fucked all of their ear holes. It’s unclear if they got booed because the audience didn’t think they deserved to win such an illustrious prize like a stupid Moon Man or if they got booed because the audience didn’t appreciate them stealing all of Kate Gosselin’s hairstyles of the past. But it was sweet of the one in the Joy Division shirt to make the middle one feel better by giving him a quick tug job in the press room.

After they got booed, Lady CaCa found them backstage and being the high school guidance counselor that she is, told them that they deserve all their success and she was disgusted by all the boos. And she did it while dressed like a slutty gutter mermaid. Skip to the 0:25 mark to hear CaCa’s pep talk:

Lady CaCa then told the twinks that she was going to leave, because she didn’t want to be around that kind of negative energy or whatever. So when a Little Monster tells one of her haters to die of AIDS on Twitter, she waves her finger at them by posting some eye roll-inducing open letter, but when a bunch of famous millionaires get booed at some dumb awards show, she dramatically protests against it by storming out! Bitch, please. You know she really left because she got upstaged by Miley’s legendary and embarrassing twerk-a-thon.

And I’m sure One Direction was fine. They dried their hurt tears on one hundred dollar bills, each other’s hair and groupie cooch.

Pics: Wenn.com

Did Taylor Swift Tell Harry Styles To “Shut The Fuck Up” At The VMAs?

While the singing band of twinks in jeggings we all know as One Erection were presenting Best Pop Video at the MTV VMAs last night, the camera cut to Taylor Swift and it looked like she was saying “shut the fuck up” to her former Easy Bake Oven sous chef and cuddle partner Harry Styles. Both MTV and HuffPo think she was telling Harry to shut the mouth that she once kissed through her hand during a game of spin the bottle in her stuffed animal room. But I studied this highly important GIF and it doesn’t look like the fuck word is coming out of her mouth hole. Side note: I do not recommend spending the first part of your Monday morning watching Taylor Swift’s mouth move over and over again, because I think she hypnotized me and now I really have the urge to make jam out of tears and the blood of my ex-boyfriends.

You know, I’m all for a trick telling any member of One Direction to “shut the fuck up,” but to me it looks like Taylor is saying, “Sorry my arm.” Let’s watch the video, because this is extremely important and none of us will be able to move on with our lives if we don’t know what Taylor said.

I’m sure the country’s most esteemed lip readers will clear their schedule and study this for hours, if not days, before telling us that she’s really saying, “John Mayer gave me herpes.” That makes the most sense. And Taylor may or may not have brought the bitchery when Harry Styles was one stage, but she brought it when she won Best Female Video for “I Knew You Were Trouble.” Taylor said:

“Thank you. Wow. I want to thank the fans because I tweeted about this a lot, I really really wanted this. I also want to thank the person that inspired this song, and he knows exactly who he is, because I got one of these!”

There she is! There’s the 8th grade bitchy mean girl we all know.

And here’s Taylor done up like a middle-aged, drunk cabaret singer from the 1930s.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

Oh God, Why Am I Starting To Like The Embarrassing Mess That Is Miley Cyrus?

You know that one girl at the party who doesn’t know anyone, gets drunk, gets stoned and then dances by herself in the middle of the room while everybody tries not to die of second-hand embarrassment? That was Miley Cyrus at the VMAs tonight and I enjoyed every cringing moment. It had everything I want out of a VMA performance: zero dignity, zero shame and a whole lot of fuckery and ho shit behavior. Bitch has a negative ass and she still twerked against Robin Thicke’s Beetlejuice suit and bitch looked like a fool, but she kept going. Miley gives no fucks while giving too many fucks. She looked like a bootleg Cynthia Doll high on bath salts and she wore clip-on bangs on the back of her head. This is the performance that keeps on giving. It’s like twerking herpes and it’s beautiful:

I think I sprained my tonsils from laughing so damn hard. No matter what time of day it is, just know that in a corner somewhere, Miley is humping a foam finger while sticking out her lizard tongue.

This is pretty much a natural reaction to that shit:

Shit was a gorgeous train wreck. I know Billy Ray is patting his taint anyway, but he should pat it something extra for creating such an entertaining, shameless mess!

Click here if YouTube takes down Miley’s Ode to Vice Magazine.

Pics: Getty Images

The ‘N Sync Reunion Happened At The VMAs Tonight

For about three seconds during Justin Timberlake’s 45-hour-long performance, he made the clits and ass lips of every 20-something and 30-something fly off of their bodies by reuniting with ‘N Sync. If you blinked, you missed it all, but keep your eyes open to watch all 20 seconds of it, because Chris Kirkpatrick was EVERYTHING. He looked like my 50-something-year-old Tio Pablo dancing to a mariachi band while completely sober. I know Chris Kirkpatrick’s not old, but he looked like the slowest member of the retirement home dance troupe. I kind of wanted to spread Ben-Gay all over my screen while watching this shit, because he’s going to be sore tomorrow. You can hear the puffing and you can hear joints crack.

Even though it was kind of like “Justin Timberlake and his back-up dancers,” I loved it! They’re definitely thinking about a reunion tour and by “they,” I every member but Justin Timberlake.

Of Course Lady CaCa Copied Doctor Who During Her VMAs Performance

There better be a check signed by Lady CaCa in the creators of Doctor Who’s inbox, because one millisecond into her performance at the MTV VMAs tonight, it was perfectly clear that she copied the look of Cassandra and the humanoid pussy nuns from Doctor Who. I mean….

The face that Cassandra is making is the exact same face I made during CaCa’s performance. CaCa yodeled out some opera while stuck in a tofu cube before she did the worse David Bowie impersonation ever, and then she did something totally new and totally fresh by changing into her “old looks” from the past. And I think they played the recorded boos to cover up the real boos. It’s ART!

And here’s CaCa looking kind of normal-ish while serving up some “Morticia Addams in a trash bag” shit. CaCa posed with her dad and Busta Rhymes.

Pics: Getty Images