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Maury Is Fucked
Look at this trash right here. I thought buying Pepto-Bismol was humiliating. A take-home DNA test went on sale Tuesday at 4,363 Rite Aid drug stores throughout the United States, except for New York. Yeah, because we’re all innocent virgins here who use condoms and know who fathered our babies.
The DNA test costs $29.95 and it contains a swab, a consent form and an envelope. The swab is used to collect saliva from baby, mommy and possible daddy. You then mail the swab to a lab for an additional $119. It takes 3 to 5 business days to get your results by mail, email or their online service.
The bitch who put this shit out said, “This is for people who are just curious. It is peace of mind for people who want to know but do not want to involve a physician or an attorney. They might want to know the paternity of their child or their own paternity so they can rely on family medical history.”
No, the kit is for straight-up SLUTS! The kit has already been a hit in California, Washington and Oregon where it went on sale in November.
Of course it’s a hit in California. Most of those whorebag celebrities are probably using it. I’m talking to you Jamie Lynn.
Maury better get on this shit right away! It’s fucking with his business. This test might tell you who the father of your child is, but it sounds so much more official when it comes from Maury.
A Green Turd
This is the trailer for the new “The Incredible Hulk” movie due out this Summer. The Hulk looks like the puddle my dog hacked up this morning. The movie can’t be that awful, right? Tim Roth and William Hurt are in it. I think that’s enough to put it in my Netflix queue. William Hurt + Body Heat = Hot Fuck.
Waffles With A Side Of Douche
Kid Rock was arrested last October at a Waffle House in the Atlanta area for getting involved in some tool fight over a girl. Kid Pebble (Tommy Lee really is the best) will be returning to the Waffle House for a charity event. He’s not going to the exact one, but he’ll be taking orders and signing autographs at one in Duluth, Georgia. The money raised is going to a local homeless shelter.
I’m sorry. I would not want Kid Rock serving me food. I’d have to ask for a different server. He has Pamela Anderson and Paris Hilton cooties. Those two names together just make me want to break out the rubber gloves.
So…I’ve been to Waffle House once in Florida, but I’m pretty sure I was wasted and suffering from major butt burn. Butt burn from nude sunbathing not from the other thing. You are so nasty. Wash your brains out with Palmolive. Anyway, I don’t remember what they served there, so I looked up their menu. This shit is not delicious! They are called Waffle House, so shouldn’t they have 10 million kinds of waffles? They have regular, chocolate chip and sweet cream. Boring! The least they could do is serve a waffle, male syrup, sausage and cheese casserole. I had that mess before. I was barfing up a balanced breakfast by noon.
“A Booty Marinated In Some Fish Sauce”
File this under: Why the fuck am I watching this trash show?! I already know the answer. It’s because I have terrible taste in TV. Anyway, last night was the premiere of starring ““That’s Amore”A Shot At Love” loser Domenico Nesci. The show’s premise is very basic. Domenico is trying to find love among 15 skanks.
The clip above basically sums up the entire hour. Domenico asks Kristen if he could smell her armpits, because he thinks the bitch isn’t clean. One of the other girls describe the smell as “booty marinated in some fish sauce.” I think Domenico is smelling the wrong flap. He needs to go south. I’m sure Kristen wasn’t the only girl in the room with that issue. They all look like they’ve been marinating in fish sauce.
Again, why am I watching this shit?!
Bonus! Last night was a trash TV double feature. Rock of Love 2 featured the lovely nymph Daisy singing the National Anthem. I’m surprised her horrific cat screams didn’t blow Bret’s wig right off.
Two Douchebag Attention Whores Finally Join Forces
This is some National Geographic shit right here. I’ve never seen brand new super STDs being created right before my very eyes. The CDC is probably jacking off to this. Parasite Hilton and the fat Madden brother made a big deal of “going public” while shopping at Fred Segal yesterday. Fat Madden recently split from Australian model Sophie Monk and it looks like he’s rebounding with the biggest whore in Hollywood. Sophie is probably sitting back, eating her vegemite and loving this.
I’m praying the new super STD they create will devour them whole and we can be rid of them once and for all.
Moment Of Lies
Last night was slut night on “Moment of Truth.” Some chick that looked like Lindsay Lohan in 2 years was on and had to answer questions about being a slut. The woman’s ex-boyfriend came out and asked her if she felt she should be married to him instead of her husband. She answered “yes” and the creepy robot voice (I think that robot voice is Katie Holmes) confirmed she was telling the truth. She was also asked if she had ever fucked another dude while married to her husband. She answered “yes” and the creepy robot voice again confirmed she was telling the truth.
This is the thing, I love a slut admitting she’s a slut, but I’m also a skeptic. I have a hard time watching this show, because I have a hard time believing all of this is real. Homegirl is a bad actress. She’s giving Lindsay Lohan a run for her Razzie Award. The husband also looked like any other gay actor plucked from central casting.
This is the other thing, the woman lost all her money when she answered the question “Do you think you are a good person?” incorrectly. I don’t trust that lie detector shit! Producers could easily gather together and tell the creepy robot voice to say she’s lying, so she doesn’t win the money.
I know, I’m a total fun killer, but I just didn’t believe that shit. I want to believe it. If my man told me he was cheating on me on National TV, that shit would have been like Jerry Springer. It would have gone from “Moment of Truth” to “Moment of Death.”