The Time Tommy Girl Got Spanked By A Cross-Dressing Club Hostess

John Krasinski threw a 42nd birthday party for Matt Damon at burlesque club The Box in London on Saturday night and invited the likes of his wife Emily Blunt, THOR (government name: Chris Hemsworth), Bill Paxton and the belle of every ball, Tommy Girl. You’d think that Tommy would have better dicks things to do on a Saturday night than hang out with those bland, basic, uncooked cauliflower people, but he can’t say no to a good old-fashioned nalgas beating by a cross-dressing hostess. When John told Tommy that paddles were involved, Tommy’s ass, which has a mind of its own, dropped to the ground and scooted him straight to The Box.

Page Six says that Tommy showed up without a date and his first words to Matt may or may not have been, “Direct my ass cheeks to the paddle.” A source type says that Matt and Tommy were the only ones to get spanked and Matt got it extra, because it was his birthday. The source also said, “They all had a fantastic night enjoying the shows and partying till the end.”

For that cross-dressing hostess’ sake, I hope she wore nose plugs and a plastic face mask, because you have no idea what could come shooting at you right after you give Tommy Girl the paddle. Spank him once, and next thing you know a geyser of barley water is shooting out of his Scientolohole before raining all over you. Tommy’s definitely a squirter.

The Coked Up Beard That Got Away… (UPDATE)

In Vanity Fair’s expose on Scientology and Tommy Girl’s beard catching adventures, Maureen Orth wrote this about Lindsay Lohan:

“Lindsay met with Tom before he met Katie. At first, she was super excited to work with Tom and thought it was about a role in Mission Impossible. It soon became clear that he wasn’t looking for an actress but something very different.”

Last night, LiLo ran out of rolling papers and there wasn’t a Bible in her room at the Motel 6, so she used the pages from Vanity Fair’s new issue to roll a joint and that’s when she saw her name. LiLo immediately got on Twitter to tell Tommy Girl and Scientology that she had nothing to do with VF’s story. And when LiLo denies she’s involved in something, that means she’s totally involved. So we all have LiLo, Adderall and the empty bottles of Jack around her to thank for trying to bring down Xenu.

But really, imagine Tommy and LiLo together? Every Bridge Queen (or whatever they call themselves) at Scientology would have to go against their insane beliefs and turn to anti-depressants and crack to deal with her crazy ass. LiLo’s constant whining would’ve made Tommy punch himself in the head so much that he would’ve socked the crazy right out of his brains. What a world it would’ve been.

UPDATE: RumorFix lied to me! Lindsay Lohan’s name isn’t even in Vanity Fair’s story. That quote came from a story HuffPo did on Vanity Fair’s story. I would’ve read the entire story, but I used the pages to roll a joint.

And Blohan should turn all her delusions into a comedy act, because this shit is gold.

via Rumor Fix 

Paul Haggis Co-Signs Vanity Fair’s Story On Scientology’s Beard Grooming Procedures

Oscar-winning movie director Paul Haggis was a disciple of L. Ron Hubbard’s alien magic for 35 years, but he quit those crazy bitches over their support of Prop 8. Ever since then, Paul has been publicly dragging Xenu all over the place and he doesn’t seem to care that Scientology most likely has a dirt ditch in their backyard with his name on it. Every time a Scientology goon comes at him, he just points his finger behind them, screams “It’s E.T.!” and then runs to hide in the Big Gay Ice Cream truck (since Scientologists will never go into a place with ice cream AND gays in it).

After Vanity Fair put out an excerpt on their story about the search to find the third Mrs. Tommy Girl, Paul co-signed their story in an open letter he gave to Showbiz411. Vanity Fair claims that actress Nazanin Boniadi, who was a Scientologist at the time, was audited to become Tommy’s third robot beard, but she was kicked out of the running after it was decided she wasn’t famous enough. When Nazanin told a Scientologist friend about dating Tommy, Scientology punished her by making her dig ditches.

Scientology went to their publicist robot, hit the “canned denial” button (fun fact: their publicist robot only has one button and it’s the ‘“canned denial” button) and the publicist robot told UsWeekly that Vanity Fair’s story is a shit pile of lies. But Paul Haggis says Vanity Fair’s story is completely true, because he’s friends with Nazanin and knew about this story for a long time:

I’ve known Nazanin for about three years. I met her through a mutual friend when I was doing my own personal research into the allegations against Scientology, before I wrote my letter of resignation. Naz was embarrassed by her unwitting involvement in this incident and never wanted it to come out, so I kept silent. However I was deeply disturbed by how the highest ranking members of a church could so easily justify using one of their members; how they so callously punished her and then so effectively silenced her when it was done. It wasn’t just the threats; they actually made her feel ashamed, when all she had been was human and trusting….

After I wrote my resignation letter, a dozen or more “friends” and officials of the church repeatedly descended on me to demand that I destroy the letter and resign quietly. I told them that wasn’t an option for me. I also told them that I had more sources of information about the troubling nature of the organization then I was at liberty to divulge. This was one.

I’ve met quite a number of people who have been treated shamefully but are afraid to speak out. This story will draw attention because of our fascination with celebrity. Most of the others are just ordinary people whose stories, if told, would not appear in a magazine. They live in fear of retribution, legal, financial or personal, even some famous ones. They fear an incredibly wealthy organization that boasts that it seeks truth, empowers people, brings families together, encourages independent thought and free speech, and champions human rights. I would like to say that i don’t know how its members, many of them good and intelligent people, can remain so purposely blind when they are faced with evidence like this every day, but then I am no one to talk. I was happily blind for many years, so I know the shame that Naz feels.

In Naz’s case, she has no right to feel ashamed. She is not only a terrific actress at the beginning of a very promising career, she is a dedicated human rights activist and a truly lovely and caring person. The last thing she wanted or needed is this kind of publicity, but here it is, and I am sure she will deal with it with the same grace and dignity she exudes in her daily life. I’m appalled that any church would treat its parishioners this way, but Naz has never cast herself as a victim. She is strong and resilient and I am very proud to call her a friend.

And FYI, in case this wasn’t clear, Naz quietly and privately resigned from the church a couple of years ago after several years of trying to handle this injustice internally, to no avail.

It’s not hard to believe Vanity Fair’s story, because it’s old news and everyone knows Scientology is crazier than a flaming bag of raccoon dicks. But what gets me is how bad at matchmaking they are. Scientology can’t matchmake worth shit. Naz was a failed match and Katie Holmes was really a failed match. It’s not hard, either. They just need to find a beard who’s shorter than Tommy, is a theatrical queen like him, has a mind that lives on another planet and won’t ask questions when he comes home smelling like a passed around man butt dildo. The answer is simple: Liza. Liza Minnelli should totally be Tommy’s next beard. Liza with a Xenu!

Here’s Tommy having dinner with the owners of the Washington Redskins and posing with “fans” in Croatia over the weekend.

Suri Cruise Is ONLY Getting A Measly $33k A Month From Tommy

Damn that selfish Katie Holmes for only thinking of her selfish self by not dragging Tommy Girl to court to squeeze more gold bars out of him for the sake of Suri’s future luxurious lifestyle. The courts officially shaved Katie from the bottom of Tommy’s face this week when a judge finalized their semi-quickie divorce and now TMZ has all the details of what she actually got. Because Katie insists on being an independent woman, doing it for herself (copyright: Kandi from RHOA), she turned down monthly spousal support and a lump sum. The only thing Katie is getting is her soul back and $33,333.33 a month in child support from Tommy. Yes, ONLY $33k a month! That won’t even cover half of Suri’s monthly shoe budget. Let’s let the self-talking Madame puppet that is Brayden from A-List: Dallas express our thoughts about this tragic news (skip to the 0:10 mark):

Yes, Brayden, I’m as sear-eeee-ess as the heart attack the manager of Suri’s own personal Louboutin factory will have after he finds out he has to shut everything down, because she can’t afford their services anymore. I’m Surious!

Tommy will spend a total of $4.8 million on child support by giving Katie $33k a month until Suri turns 18. Tommy is also paying for most of Suri’s expenses including tuition for her fancy school, health insurance, college and medical and dental bills. Both Tommy and Katie both agreed that Suri will never go to boarding school. TMZ says that if Katie took Tommy to court, she would’ve gotten a lot more, but she just wanted to get away  rom his crazy ass soon as possible.

For Suri’s sake, I hope that Katie’s team leaked false documents to TMZ to make it look like she didn’t get paid millions upon millions of dollars to keep her lips shut about Tommy putting his mouth over every hole at the Scientology glory hole. This has to be a mistake. But sadly, I sort of believe it, because Suri’s been taking a lot of cabs (aka mobile poor movers) and here she is taking another cab last week. I hate Katie for this, especially because you know Blue Ivy Carter sent Suri a tweet about these pictures and you know that tweet said: NOT EVEN CARMEL?! LuLz!

Tommy Is FINALLY Free Of Katie!

Remember the old days when Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise’s manufactured smiles would make our genitals run up into our bodies and cling to our insides? It’s safe for your genitals to come back out again, because those days are officially over now that Tommy has ripped up their marriage license, threw the pieces into a stone bowl, added a little oil and muddled into a thick lube that he rubbed all over his Scientolohole and then humped away the pain he got from losing another beard. People says that less than two months after Katie filed for divorce, a judge in New York signed off on it and finalized that shit. The FREE KATIE mission is complete.

As everybody already knows, in the divorce settlement, Katie gets full control of her brain, a lump sum, child support and full custody of Scientology’s former golden child Suri. Tommy gets to visit Suri as long as he doesn’t try to kidnap her, drag to wherever the old Star Trek: The Experience ride is housed and teleport her to the Galactic Confederacy headquarters on the planet Htrae.

We should praise Mac, Wiploc and Zeebo from Earth Girls Are Easy (they’re Scientology’s demigods, right?), because Tommy is finally free and no longer has to drag around an insubordinate beard who frowns when he calls her “Kate” and gets all whiny when he tells her that it’s time to complete the transformation by getting a robot lobotomy. Katie was so annoying. Every time Tommy’s Grindr app on his iPhone froze up and he had to take it to the Genius Bar, Katie would step into that Apple store and run away screaming thinking she was there to get her human brain replaced with OS X Garfield (or whatever the name of the latest OS is). That is all behind him now.

Now Tommy can focus on finding a beard who keeps it professional and isn’t going to ruin his non-stop sauna orgy party by trying to take down Scientology. I hear Kristen Stewart might be available and her head is already empty, so she’s halfway to a robot lobotomy.

And here’s two sets of pictures of Suri with Katie in NYC yesterday. In one set, Suri’s bitching out the paps with her face. In the other set, Suri’s wearing one of Endora’s favorite house dresses while doing kid stuff at a place where you do kid stuff.

The Search For Tom Cruise’s Next Beard Bride Has Begun!

Tommy Girl is just a couple of months away from being legally free of the selfish human who refused to complete her transformation into a microchip-brained Stepford Wife and the head bitches at Scientology are already shopping around for his fourth wife. Tell Ashley Greene to not bother sending in her head shot, salary requirements and recommendation letters from past beading jobs, because Scientology has learned their lesson and they’re filling the position internally this time (sounds sexy, but it isn’t). Scientology isn’t about to let another outsider blow open their front doors so that the public can see them sucking each other’s dicks and being crazy and shit. Not this time.

The National Enquirer (via Radar) says that former members of Scientology are placing their bets on 27-year-old Yolanda Pecoraro as the next Mrs. Tommy Girl. Both of Yolanda’s parents are Scientologists and she’s been taking classes since she was 13. Yolanda is even used to tasting butt nectar on Tommy’s lips during staged kissing sessions, because she dated him for a quick minute after meeting him at the opening of a Scientology center in Spain in 2004. Yolanda apparently has a boyfriend, but he’s also a disciple of L. Ron Hubbard, so it’ll only take one or two audit sessions to fully brainwash him into dumping her. Some source said this about Tommy’s newest beard bride:

“With the embarrassment his divorce has caused the church, they want to stabilize the situation quickly. They also want to show that Tom has rebounded fast and that his new wife is beautiful and steeped in Scientology. If the church decides to make Yolanda Tom’s next wife, they’d certainly want her to have a child soon. So she could quickly be going from her modest apartment to a mansion in Beverly Hills with a baby on the way. And there’s little doubt she’d do what’s best for the church.”

Another source called Yolanda a true “princess of Scientology” and I don’t appreciate that shit. That source’s Thetans must be shitting lumps of stupidity onto their brain, because Tommy is the true princess of Scientology. Bow down and engrave that on your brain. If Yolanda thinks she’s the princess, there’s really going to be a problem, because no wife of Tommy touches his tiara. You know what else is a problem? Yolanda is not the right age! All of Tommy’s wives were around 11 years younger than the last one, so his new wife should be 22. Don’t screw with the numbers. But if they insist on screwing with the numbers, they should really make John Travolta Tommy’s fourth and final wife, because that marriage will last until Xenu destroys earth and all the Scientologists escape in penis-shaped pods.

More importantly, WWYAS (What Would Yolanda’s Abuelita Say)? I’d like to see Tommy try to use his telekinesis powers to stop an abuelita’s switch from coming at him. Won’t work.

Here’s Tommy putting on a smile for the millions of paps while giving Suri a reverse piggyback ride in Manhattan yesterday.