Category: Tom Holland

Things Jake Gyllenhaal Loves: Sean Paul And Thin Gold Chains

June 28, 2019 / Posted by:

So Jake Gyllenhaal and Tom Holland are on the press tour junket for their new movie Spider Man: Far From Home. Sending the hunky jock Jake Gyllenhaal and the adorable twunk Tom Holland out on a tour together is really going to give the gays a lot to work with, and it already has.

Well there’s some stuff here for you gross heteros as well. Did you know that Jake is a huge Sean Paul stan? Do you want to hear him sing in that island accent? Oh and are you ready to see Jake wearing a thin gold chain around his thick neck? Do you want to see him looking like The Situation‘s hotter, younger brother? Hope you are, because it’s his new thing.

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Open Post: Hosted By Tom Holland Talking About The Time That Jake Gyllenhaal Worked Him Out So Hard He Couldn’t Walk 

June 26, 2019 / Posted by:

Tom Holland may only be 23 years old and newish to the game, but he can already teach other wannabe gay-baiters like Nick Jonas and Taron Egerton, how to truly bait a gay. All you gotta do is let out a cloud of innuendo while telling a story about how you worked out with Jake Gyllenhaal and he worked you out so hard that you had trouble walking. Suddenly, us hard-up, easy-to-woo gays are mindlessly pre-buying tickets to the next Spider-Twink movie after being hypnotized by the image of Mysterio defeating Spider-Twink by pounding a paralyzing ray into him, leaving him dead-legged and his spidey tenses tingling something raw. Yes, I’ve thought about this.

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Open Post: Hosted By Tom Holland Not Knowing How To Spell Jake Gyllenhaal’s Name

May 12, 2019 / Posted by:

So what? Neither can I! I had to look it up to write this post! Spider-twink Tom Holland is out stumping for his new Spider-Man flick Spider-Man: Far From Home. So, he went on Jimmy Kimme Live! with co-stars Jake GYLLENHAAL, Zendaya, and Jacob Batalon and there was this whole air hockey thing. Celebrities must hate how they have to act even more like circus poodles for these irritating late-night hosts now with all the humiliating games and what-not. They should blame simpering kumquat Jimmy Fallon. He started that bullshit. Moving on, Kimmel pointed out that Tom doesn’t know how to spell Jake’s name.

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Originality Is Over: Spider-Man Is Tapping Mary Jane Again

July 14, 2017 / Posted by:

The only thing that’s more exhausted than a casino cocktail waitress when I’m at the penny slots (heyyyy, big spendahhhhh!) is the Spider-Man franchise. So it only makes sense this Spider-Man media tour would also reboot the old “the co-stars might be dry humping” story. People reports Spider-Man: Homecoming star Zendaya is helping co-star Tom Holland shoot more than spiderwebs out of his canister, as the two have been dating while filming.

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Hannibal Buress Sent A Look-A-Like To The “Spider-Man: Homecoming” Premiere

June 29, 2017 / Posted by:

At last night’s L.A. premiere of Spider-Man: HomecomingHannibal Buress, who plays Coach Wilson in it, walked the red carpet and did some interviews. The only problem is, despite what that lower third super would lead you to believe, that’s not Hannibal Buress, obviously.

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Open Post: Hosted By The New Spider-Man Dancing Himself Sore To RiRi’s Umbrella 

May 9, 2017 / Posted by:

The new Spider-Man movie comes out this July, and I have a serious feeling that the creators of that shit have scheduled an EMERGENCY CODE RED reshoot of its ending. They know that it can no longer end with Spider-Man doing whatever Spider-Man does to beat the main villain played by Michael Keaton. It needs to end with Spider-Man destroying Michael Keaton by crotch-thrusting and gyrating while wearing a $10 polyester wig and some latex bloomers.

20-year-old Tom Holland and his 20-year-old Spider-Man co-star, Zendaya, were both on Lip Sync Battle and while she did Bruno Mars and Erykah Badu, he tucked and plucked to do RiRi’s Umbrella. If a dude action star goes on Lip Sync Battle, he’s probably going to do lazy drag, but what really brought out the puckers from Tom’s performance was his nipple-burning moves. Tom is a trained dancer, but I bet that he’s been practicing the Umbrella choreography for years in his bedroom, because he knew that one day he’d get cast in a major comic book movie and he’d get to promote it while lip-synching as RiRi on some American TV show.

Tom’s lip-synching makes Britney Spears look like she could win every Lip Synch For Your Life on RuPaul’s Drag Race, but that’s not what this is about. It’s about him working it like his rent, his mama’s rent, his daddy’s rent, his grandma’s rent, his auntie’s rent and his cousin’s rent was due weeks ago and they’re all about to be put out.

And is it just me or does Tom Holland in RiRi drag loos more like a young Clea DuVall in Posh Spice circa 2001 drag? Yeah, just me? Thought so.

Here’s the White RiRi promoting Spider-Man with his other co-star, Laura Harrier, in São Paulo last week:

Pics: MTV, Backgrid

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