Tim Gunn Took A Giant Krap On The Kardashians

And just like that, Tim Gunn received an invoice from Kardashian family pimp Kris Jenner with a copy of that headline and a note saying: “Just letting you know that sort of thing costs extra.”

If you woke up this morning with a little extra pep in your step, you can thank the no-fucks-giving angel of truth Tim Gunn. Once again, Tim opened his heart and released a million warm feelings during a recent interview with the Huffington Post while talking about America’s First Family of Frozen-Faced Tackiness. It all started when Tim was asked his thoughts on Kanye West’s latest collection of crappy clothing. Somewhere in Hell, Satan is already sweating the angry conference call he’s about to get from Pimp Mama Kris and her kurrent favorite son-in-law. Continue reading

Tim Gunn Came For Anna Wintour Again And I Love It

I may swear off the bong (never) if Tim Gunn keeps at it, because his shady tidbits about his arch rival Anna Wintour hug my soul and take me to happy places. If Tim Gunn dropped daily nuggets about the hilariously bitchy ways of Anna Wintour, the makers of every anti-depressant would go out of business. This is our Prozac. This is better than a damn puppy video.

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Who Showed Up To The Opening Of A Drugstore Last Night?

Pamela Anderson still holds the title for the most glamorous drugstore appearance of the decade, but Fergie, Caroline Manzo, Kurt Russell, Lamar Odom, Mark McGrath and Tim Gunn tried to top her last night. They all showed up to the red carpet grand opening the new “upscale” Walgreens on Sunset and Vine in Hollywood. Shit is “upscale,” because when you’re buying tampons and condoms, you can also pick up sushi, fancy cheeses and frozen yogurt with toppings. Call me a GOOP-like snob, but I don’t think I could full my mouth with raw fish from the same place that sells butt suppositories. (“Bitch, don’t act like you haven’t put worse things in your mouth like a sushi-flavored suppository or suppository-flavored sushi.” – you “You bring up a valid point.” – me)

It was only a little over 10 years ago when Fergie used to get chased out of Walgreens by a security guard for trying to steal shit for meth money and now she’s at the grand opening of one. She’s come a long way. Fergie’s face has also come a long way too. It used to be straight out of Faces of Meth and now it’s straight out of Faces of Botox.

And speaking of Faces of Meth, click here to see some that will scare you to Jesus.

Tim Gunn Hasn’t Been Laid Since Reagan Was In Office

If you’re 29 years old or younger, then I’m not sure how you’ll feel knowing that through your entire life Tim Gunn never made it work all over a pair of greasy man nalgas. Not once. Tim Gunn closed up his downtown fuck shop (both locations) 29 years ago, swallowed the key and isn’t planning a grand reopening anytime soon. Tim said on his show The Revolution (via UsWeekly) yesterday that he went celibate after a boyfriend screwed him up emotionally by putting him down while impatiently waiting for his dick to rise (at least I think that’s what Tim is trying to say).

“I haven’t had sex in 29 years. Do I feel like less of a person for it? No. Not even remotely.

It’s very personal. I was in a very intense relationship for a long time. And my partner ended it, saying that, quite frankly, he was impatient with my sexual performance.

I’m a perfectly fulfilled person, but it’s very physiological. I have feelings. It’s not as though I’m some barren forest. I don’t want to imply to anyone that I have a mandate that says no sex. I don’t. I don’t know what’s around the corner.”

I know this might be hard for some of you 24-hour slut whore tramp skanks to understand, but sex it not the be-all and end-all for some people. And yes, I know what your slut mind just imagined when you read “end-all.” I did too. But for some, happiness is not a hard dick or a warm cooch. Mind boggling, I know. And yes, I know what your slut mind just imagined when you read “mind boggling.” I did too. We really have to stop watching clips on Brazzers at the same time.

Tim seems happy, even though he hasn’t had any of his parts around a peen for THREE DECADES, and that’s the only thing that matters. But I bet Tim finds ways to get his. I bet that every now and again he slips on a harness made of Brooks Brothers suspenders and makes a trick (wearing a mask of his ex-partner’s face) lick the bottom of his oxford loafer like his bitch.

Tim Gunn Thinks Hillary Clinton Dresses Like A Dude

Tim Gunn’s tongue is like a dream sewing machine with a needle that never breaks and constantly stitches threads of cuntiness into almost every word that comes out of his tongue and that’s why I want to curl at his feet and let those cuntified gems drop into my ear hole. In Tim Gunn’s ongoing campaign to be the new Mr. Blackwell, he regularly throws platinum shade at celebrities who haven’t passed his look up and down test. And because Tim Gunn’s voice sounds like that of a butler in a cartoon movie, it sounds extra bitchy.

Well, on Lopez Tonight the other night, Tim really went for the cunt gold by trying to find a polite way of saying that Hillary Clinton dresses like a butch dyke at a job interview. Tim’s conversation with George Lopez about Hillary’s style went like this:

Lopez: What about the democrats? Specifically, Hillary Clinton.

Gunn: You mean, what about her Jersey Shore style?

Lopez: I saw her at a press conference. She wore a floral outfit…. My grandmother used to have that like a No Bugs M’Lady. Like when you used to lie down in the cupboard with No Bugs M’Lady. And you used to peel it off.

Gunn: She’s the Secretary of State, she’s the former senator of New York, she’s the former first lady, why must she dress that way? I think she’s confused about her gender with all these big, baggy menswear tailored pantsuits. No, I’m really serious. They’re unflattering.

Lopez: How can someone hide cankles?

Gunn: Well, if her pants didn’t stop an inch above the ankle you could hide the cankle. I have great respect for her intellect and her tenacity and for what she does for our country in her governmental role. I just wish she could send a stronger message about American fashion.

“It’s called Montenegro style, dahling! Live it, learn it, love it!” – Hillary Clinton’s response to Tim Gunn’s shade

Next to Joyce Leslie and and the troop leader of Camp Beverly Hills, Tim Gunn is the authority on American style, but I have to disagree with his ass here. Yes, Hillary Clinton sometimes looks like she just fell into the XL rack of a Men’s Wearhouse clearance sale, but most of the time she’s representing American fashion like nobody else! I’m going to the archives for this one. Exhibit: EVERYTHING:

When Hillary wears a banana clip, Tim Gunn’s argument is invalid. You cannot argue with the jaws of glamour.

Tim Gunn On The Project Runway Winner

In case you still replay the Project Runway finale in the middle of the night just so you can scream “WHYWHYWHYWHY” over and over again, here’s a video of Tim Gunn at the King of Prussia mall this past weekend where he explained how the Heidi Klum, Michael Kors and Neeeeenah Garceeeeeah came to the decision to the lift the house off of the Wicked Wretchen of Oregon to give her the winner’s check. Tim explains that after hours of deliberating, Heidi finally asked Tim who he thought should win that mess. Tim and Heidi both went with Mondo while Michael and Neeeeneah stood in the dark side. Oh, and while Jessica Simpson played with a Ding Dong wrapper in the corner.

Tim says that he ultimately understood their choice since poor broke Gretchen really needs the money and Mondo will skip along the rainbow of success anyways.

Well, now you know to CC Michael and Neeeenah when you write a ragey “AH WANT MY 10,0000 HOURS BACK” letter to Lifetime. And now you also know that you won’t be the only one writing Mondo’s name on the ballot sheet when you vote today. Tim is too.

via Vulture