Tila Tequila Is Going To Be Somebody’s Mother

The last time we checked in with the former harmless booze-chugging trash rat turned insane anti-Semitic conspiracy theorist known as Tila Tequila, she had sort of disappeared before the release of there second sex tape. Naturally, I just assumed she’d been kidnapped by underground Illuminati lizard-people or an alien possessed by Hitler’s ghost, but as it turns out, she was drying out somewhere. GOOD. If Tila Tequila needed anything, it was for a group of professionals to get her off the sauce, because she was turning into the definition of RIGHT FUCKED UP.

And on Friday, Tila announced on Facebook that along with being clean and sober, she’s also knocked up with a tiny tequila worm. Tila says that she’s 10 weeks pregnant, and she’s already created a new Twitter account where she goes by the name Baby Mama Tila. So far there’s no word on who the baby daddy is, so for now let’s assume it’s an Illuminati lizard (they’re notoriously virile).

Tila is has been known to cry wolf when it comes to announcing pregnancies, so I might need more than a swollen tum-tum and a pair of pregnancy titties to convince me that Tila is actually with worm. I won’t be convinced that she is actually pregnant until I see a picture 6 months from now of a giant-eyed baby poking its head out of her crazy coochie, holding a newspaper from that morning in one hand and a hand-written affidavit in the other that reads “I, Tila’s little baby, swear that I was conceived in, grew in, share DNA with, and am now exiting Tila Tequila.” And even then, I’ll still probably be throwing side-eyes and wondering just how long Tila and that super-smart hired baby have been in cahoots for.

Pic: Facebook

Tila Tequila’s Sex Tape Is Coming Out Just In Time For Christmas

If you’re looking for a thoughtful holiday gift for the the porn collector in your life, TMZ is reporting Tila Tequila kinda sorta answered all our prayers and is taking a break from ranting about Nazis and Zionists to jump on some dick on camera. Unlike her previous girl-on-girl tape, this one is reportedly hardcore. There has been no official statement from Tila saying she’s signed off on it, but since it’s being released, it’s a given.

No specifics details are out regarding her partner, but this could go one of two ways based off her recent rants and former tampon shenanigans. My guess is either Vanilla Gorilla Jesse James if we’re going the Nazi route, or Tiger Woods if we’re talking a porn remake called The Ten Cray-mandments where Tiger parts her Red Seas (I’m so sorry). I’d rather poke my eyes out with the dildo Tila’s licking in that picture since I’m pretty sure both Jesse and Tiger’s O-faces look exactly like the face someone makes when they think their chair is going to tip over backwards. Not hot.

Tila has nearly 2 million Facebook fans must be more divided now than ever. The half that fancies her a regular Jessica Fletcher if Jessica dressed like a three-blocks-off-the-Strip Vegas cocktail waitress and was from Harlot Hollow instead of Cabot Cove just dove into their mother’s basements to fap to conspiracy theory channels on YouTube as foreplay. The the other half picked up bullhorns to scream, “BITCH, YOU DON’T NEED DICK, YOU NEED MEDICATION!” Sigh. If only dick and the attention that comes from stunt queening could cure all that ails.

(Pic: Wenn)

Tila Tequila’s Theory About Paul Walker’s Death Is (Surprise!) Batshit-Insanity

I had to double-check nearly 9 times that I had found Tila Tequila’s actual, for real, not-hacked Facebook page because each time I clicked on it, my brain kept saying: “This cannot be it. Did I spell Tequila wrong? Why does she keep referring to herself as God’s Warrior? Is there more than one God Warrior? I thought there was only one.” What I’m saying is that Tila Tequila is for-fucking-real CRAZY, you guys (in other news: water is wet, sky is blue, Kris Jenner is a reptile).

Tila Tequila took a break from ranting about Nazis and Zionists (yes, really) to talk about the death of Elisa Lam, a woman who’s body was found dead on the roof of a hotel. She then explains that the woman’s death was a ritualistic killing. Just like Paul Walker’s. Wait, WHAT?

“But I’ll keep talking anyway…”

Two words: THE FUUUUUUUCK?!?! Let me get this straight: Tila believes that Paul Walker was ritually murdered by an occult group as a sacrifice, right? Wait, so who was driving the car? One of the occultists? Was Vin Diesel in on it? This is crazy. No, fuck that, this is crazy-crazy. Even the crazy homeless guy ranting on your subway car about aliens as he pops a squat and takes a hot dump is thinking “This bitch is certifiable. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to mail a letter to Jesus c/o The Pentagon”.

Someone needs to call the giant bottle of 99¢ Store drain cleaner and disposable g-string that made Tila and tell them they need to come and pick up their kid, because homegirl’s gone off the deep end. What happened? It seems like just yesterday she was ordering shots of love, and now she’s holed up in her House of Crazy in a tinfoil hat (and matching nipple covers) ranting online about end times and murders and the “Synagogue of Satan” (HER WORDS NOT MINE PLS DON’T SEND ME EMAILS). How many signatures do we need on a petition before MTV takes it seriously and creates a show called A Shot at Sanity? 16 psych ward doctors competing to see who can check her into Cedars Sinai under a 5150 hold first? I’d watch it.

(Pic via Facebook)

Tila Tequila Keeps Trying To Kill Herself

The black cloud of woe is still fucking with the blossom in the garden of dead weeds that is MySpace. Tila Tequila lost the love of her life Casey Johnson, miscarried the baby some say she faked for attention and now TMZ is saying that she’s on her way to a clinic after trying to get a date with the Grim Reaper all week.

Last Wednesday, the ambulance showed up to Tila’s house after her roommate called 911 and told the operator that she was knocking on death’s door all week long. Tila was falling in and out of consciousness in front of the paramedics, so she was taken to the hospital for a psychiatric evaluation. Tila was released shortly after, but her manager called 911 last night to ask officers to check on her ass, because he had a feeling something wasn’t right. The officers showed up to Tila’s house and tried to see if she was okay, but she’s currently in a wheelchair so she couldn’t answer the door. The cops left and she’s resting at home.

Radar says that Tila’s health and mental problems started when a brain aneurysm almost sent her to Jesus. Tila apparently had a brain aneurysm in the middle of the night and while she was in a state of confusion, she tried to stop the head seizures by downing two whole bottles of prescription drugs. Tila threw up the pills and managed to send a strange text to a friend who immediately came over to find her convulsing on the bed. Tila was in ICU for a week and was released two Mondays ago. Radar’s source had this to say about Tila’s traumatic brain experience:

“She was in two hospitals for the span of a week and is still not in perfect health, so she’s going to check into an outpatient program. It’s sad to think she may have some permanent brain damage. She still can’t fully speak properly.”

Where is Daddy Spears, a pot of Velveeta grits and a 5150 from the courts when you really need all of them? Ho needs help. Then she can get better and go back to entertaining us on Ustream with her sex chair dancing moves (but she should wear a helmet next time). Oh shit, it all started with that fucking chair, right? BLAME THE CHAIR!!!

The Real Royal Wedding!

While surrounded by pimps, hos, 10 pesos weaves, unmaintained eyebrow situations, swap meet contact lenses, sourdough loaf titties, natural beauties and crystal clear nutsacks, Ice-T and CoCo celebrated their 10-year wedding anniversary by renewing their vows for their new E! reality show. That know-it-all bitch Wikipedia claims Ice-T and CoCo got married December of 2005, but these two live in an ethereal queef bubble where facts do no matter, so I will raise a camel toe cup filled with pink Andre and toast to their 10 years of marriage!

This display of sheer elegance makes Prince William and Kate Middleton’s wedding look like a quince held in a Burger King party room. This is the real royal wedding (as seen through the eyes of a Roma Gypsy).

At the reception, I’m sure CoCo’s camel toe clapped the melody to Tony! Toni! Tone’s! “Anniversary” while guests placed their champagne flutes on her shelf titties to dance with her. And those lucky guests were: Snoop, Don “Magic” Juan with his stoop sale trollops, Ice-T’s son Little Ice, Tila Tequila and CoCo’s mom Tina.

Speaking Of Jennifer Aniston And Tequila….

File this under: The shit you’ve got to do to sell a damn movie. The threat of spending the rest of her day covered in flea dip while her clothes burn in a chimenea in the backyard was not great enough to keep Jennifer Aniston from pushing her movie! Jen put a Frontline bracelet on her wrist and got all her shots backstage before taking part in an improv skit with professional fuckery provocateur Tila Tequila for Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis. Here I was thinking that the only time I’d ever see Jennifer Aniston and Tila Tequila sitting next to each other would be at a welcome parade for the Four Horsemen.

Why couldn’t this have been St. Angie Jolie instead? Angie Jo would’ve mistaken Tila for a destitute orphan baby little person and adopted her on the spot.

On a positive note, those ferns and Zach’s beard look pretty.