Category: Sophie Hunter
The “Over The Moon” Watch: The Alien Lizard King Benedict Cumberbatch Is Going To Be A Father
So it begins… It was the Mayans who said (they didn’t say this) that in the year 2014, a human will mate with an alien lizard king visiting from another planet and months later she will give birth to an all-powerful baby who will take over the world and capture us all. They were right. Soon, we’re all going to be Cumberbtiches whether we like it or not.
Benedict Cumberbatch’s rep tells E! News that his fiancee of two months Sophie Hunter is carrying a cumberbaby in her womb. When asked for a comment, Oscar rival Eddie Redmayne said, “Oh yeah, oh yeah, well my WIFE is pregnant with quadruplets and we’ve already named them Oscarella, Oscarina, Oscartina and Oscarola.” Even though I’m obsessed with the Cumberbitches (does that mean I’m a Cumberbitchbitch?), I haven’t been to Tumblr yet, so I have no idea if it’s crumbled from the weight of 10,000 word posts written by his hardcore fans who think it’s sad that their God’s team is making him get engaged and make a baby just to win a trophy. Or maybe they haven’t written any posts like that, because they were too busy using their fingers to poke out their eyes after reading the worst thing they’ve ever read.
Here’s the statement from B. Cums’ rep:
“I am delighted to confirm that Benedict Cumberbatch and Sophie Hunter are expecting their first child. They are both over the moon.”
Yes, they said “over the moon,” but it doesn’t bother me. They probably went over the moon literally while traveling to his home planet to share the happy news with his subjects.
In case you missed them, here’s pictures of Sophie’s “bump” at the Palm Springs International Film Festival over the weekend.
Benedict Cumberbatch’s Fiancee Does The “Hide The Bump” Pose At The Palm Springs Film Festival
The holidays are over and famous actor types have taken off their bikinis and said goodbye to sunbathing their parts on a yacht in the Caribbean and put on a $10,000 borrowed designer gown to say hello to weeks of getting drunk on top shelf champagne while jacking off other famous actor types at award shows and film festivals. They all went back to “work” last night at the awards gala for the Palm Springs International Film Festival in wait for it… wait for it… Palm Springs, CA.
Reese Witherspoon won the Chairman’s Award for Wild, Julianne Moore and Eddie Redmayne won the Desert Achievement Award for Still Alice and The Theory of Everything, J.K. Simmons won the Spotlight Award for Whiplash, the cast of The Imitation Game won the Ensemble Cast Award and Rosamund Pike and David Oyelowo won the Breakthrough Performance Award for Gone Girl and Selma. And Bennyhill Custardsnatch and his fiancee of ten minutes Sophie Hunter walked away with the I See You Bitches Award.
The Alien Lizard King Of Tumblr And His Future Queen Make Their Red Carpet Debut
I know, being a celebrity is weird. When they show up to an event together for the first time, it’s called their RED CARPET DEBUT!!!!! Us regulars don’t have a thing called a RED CARPET DEBUT, unless you count going on a date with your piece to Red Robin for the first time. And now I really want a freckled lemonade.
Because that Oscar isn’t going to win itself and a bitch has got to hustle, Bensonandhedges Cowlickpatch brought his fiancee of ten seconds Sophie Hunter to the NYC premiere of The Imitation Game last night. B. Cums and Sophie kept their hands in their pockets, because you know, they’re casual like that and they’re just going to be casual as the Cumberbitches drown in the gallons of foam that poured out of their mouths from seeing their otter lizard god with that home wrecking aquarium wrecking hussy harlot. The Daily Mail has a picture of the side of Sophie’s engagement ring and I’m sure the Cumberbitches have already determined that it’s a CZ and can be rented from a prop rental place in Manchester, which proves that this a shameless, orchestrated STUNT QUEEN Oscar campaign stunt and nothing more! They knew it!
B. Cums knows that some of his fans are crazier than a Smith child joint interview (but not as crazy as the crazy bitch marrying Charles Manson), but he says it’s going to be okay. On yesterday’s Live! with Kelly and Michael, Kelly Ripa told B. Cums that he broke and shattered a lot of hearts by taking himself off the market and he had this to say about that:
“I’m very happy. I’m a very happy man. I have a great population of fans as well — they’re smart, they’ll get around to the idea. … Your ovaries do still have use, let me tell you!”
Some of the more hardcore Cumberbitches think that their bodies produce ovary eggs just for B. Cums. So him saying, “Your ovaries do still have use,” makes them think that there’s still a chance that he’ll fertilize their ovary eggs with his lizard jizz and their pussies will spit out a pile of lizard eggs moments later. There’s still hope, Cumberbitches!
Here’s more pictures from last night’s The Imitation Game premiere Red Carpet Unveiling of CumHunter including pics of Keira Knightley and Matthew Goode. I guess the theme was fug wallpaper of the 70s. Because Sophie’s dress looks like the kind of glow in the dark floral wallpaper that a psychedelic grandma had in her bathroom in the late 70s and Keira’s dress looks like the wallpaper in the master bedroom of the presidential suite in the Las Vegas Sahara Hotel and Casino in 1974.
Pics: Wenn.com
And Here Comes The Human Lizard Baby Rumors……
Early this morning, every Cumberbitch woke up and after she used her fingers to chip away the shell of crusty tears that sealed her eyelids shut, she opened her eyes to see her loved one holding an open laptop while saying, “It’s time to face the Internet again.” The glare from her laptop screen blinded her for a second and she screamed, “I’m not ready! I’m not ready to face the truth!” Well, hopefully she ignored the Internet, went back to bed and continued to weep while clutching her otter stuffed animal (it’s the closest thing to a Benedict Cumberbatch Real Doll out there), because this totally truthful rumor will make her rip her own heart out and eat it.
As you all know, the Internet was almost buried alive under a mountain of broken hearts and shattered dreams yesterday when Bendandsnap Culomatches and his fancy theater director girlfriend Sophie Hunter announced in a newspaper that they’re getting married. The Daily Mail says that B. Cums and Sophie Hunter are moving pretty fast, because he only started rubbing his cloaca against her recently. B. Cums and Sophie have been friends for years and years, but they just started dating full-time five months ago, if that. The source says that B. Cums proposed on Monday and they told the newspaper on Tuesday.
“It has moved fast, but when something works, it works. They are very good for each other and are very much in love. They have mutual friends and mutual interests in the theatre. It just works. They have clicked. It is lovely news. They just got engaged this week. He didn’t go up to Edinburgh to ask her mum first. He asked her, I think, on Monday, then they rang to put the advert in on Tuesday.”
Because B. Cums put a ring on it so fast, some are saying that Sophie is pregnant and might hatch out a litter of alien lizard human babies in a few months. But a few Cumberbitches think this is all just a STUNT QUEEN stunt to get him more exposure before he begins his campaign for Oscar! I know, getting married is crazy in itself, but getting married to win an Oscar? Whatever happened to the old-fashioned sane ways of winning an Oscar like pushing your rival down the stairs or anonymously telling the media that your biggest competition is a racist homophobe?
I doubt B. Cums knocked up his fiancee, but if he did, we’ll all save so much money on our heating bills this winter. We’ll be able to warm our ass cheeks on the flames of fiery rage shooting out of the Cumberbitches.
Pic: Getty
Benedict Cumberbatch Is Engaged, So I’m Guessing Tumblr Looks Like This Right Now
If I could, I’d make a green bean and French’s onion casserole for all of you Cumberbitches out there as an offer of my condolences, because I know it’s a heartbreaking and sad-filled day for you and your vagina (who is probably wearing a black lace coochie veil right now). As you already know from the loud sound of the Cumberbitches wails mixed in with the sound of the lizard kingdom letting out a million celebratory chirps for their king, Bonnebell Combover is one hundred percent engaged to his girlfriend Sophie Hunter (or as some of the Cumberbitches call her: That Ostrich-Faced Homely Harlot Trollop Whore Who’s Lucky That Benny Needs A Stunt For His Oscar Campaign Ugh I Hate That Bitch Tramp!!!!####121!!!!!).
38-year-old B. Cum and 36-year-old Sophie announced their engagement in the “Forthcoming Marriages” section of the Times and that might seem like some posh Downton Abbey shit, but I expected their engagement to be announced by a messenger reading from a scroll in the middle of town square. Here’s their little announcement (which some Cumberbitches have already written in black mascara tears on their pillows before punching it repeatedly while screaming):
The engagement is announced between Benedict, son of Wanda and Timothy Cumberbatch of London, and Sophie, daughter of Katharine Hunter of Edinburgh and Charles Hunter of London.
Benihana Cameraphone and Sophie Hunty, who’s an actress and theater director, met for the first time when she was eating a salad in a garden and he crawled onto her leg to beg her for a piece of wet lettuce. It’s been true love ever since. No, they’ve been friends for years and started having hot alien lizard human sex ever since. This is what Sophie Hunter looks like if you need to put a face to the object of the Cumberbitches’ RAGE!
B. Cums and Sophie Hunty didn’t say when they’re getting married, but I’m sure it’ll be right after molting season so his skin can look extra fresh and shiny. And don’t feel too bad, Cumberbitches. Once the wedding pictures come out, you can paste your face over Sophie Hunty’s face and put the picture next to her voodoo doll on your mantel.