This Is What Sophie Hunter Wore When She Married Benedict Cumberbatch

Even though the Valentine’s Day wedding of human-looking alien royalty Benedict Cumberbatch and his knocked-up human girlfriend Sophie Hunter was the intergalactic high society event of the year, no pictures of the event were ever released, which means only the most important of extraterrestrial aristocracy got to see Benedict float down the aisle in his custom-made lizard suit. However, since Sophie is still a human person, she invited VOGUE along with her to one of her gown fittings so us regulars could see what she would look like on her wedding day.

Valentino, the tricks who made her dress, recently revealed a picture of Sophie shot by Annie Leibovitz modeling her wedding gown, and it’s pretty much what I expected Benedict Cumberbatch’s human bride would wear. It’s silver (the official color of martians and flying saucers), it has a swirly design (to mimic the sky above Benedict’s home planet), and it covers 95% of her body (to help protect her human skin from the toxic residue that will rub off on her when she hugs one of Benedict’s relatives).

But now I really want to know what Benedict wore! Did he try to appear human by wearing a boring old tuxedo, or did he bring that X-Files metal examination table unknown species glamour? I guess I’ll just have to wait for this month’s issue of VLORP (alien VOGUE) to arrive in the mail.

Speaking of, here’s Benedict Cumberbatch looking like a real human person while walking to work yesterday morning:

Pics: Instagram, Wenn.com

Benedict Cumberbatch Spent His Honeymoon Hanging Out With Jimmy Kimmel

I’m not all that familiar with intergalactic wedding customs, but it appears aliens might not have the same appreciation for the post-wedding ceremony tradition that we Earthlings call a “honeymoon”. After getting married to his pregnant human bride Sophie Hunter on Saturday (Earth’s Valentine’s Day), Kif Kroker’s fancy actor cousin Benedict Cumberbatch decided to ditch his honeymoon and make an appearance on Jimmy Kimmel Live! instead.

According to Jimmy Kimmel, it sounds like Eggs Benedict had been scheduled to appear on the show long before he decided to make it legal with his knocked up girlfriend, and sometimes you have to make serious sacrifices if you want that Best Actor Oscar. So he called up Death Valley and told them to cancel the hot rock he had reserved for his post-wedding alien lizard love-fest, and hopped on a flight to Los Angeles. Thankfully, Jimmy Kimmel made sure he wouldn’t feel like he was missing out on anything, so he changed the backdrop into something a little more sexy and brought out some piña coladas. “That’s nice, but can we get back to talking about my performance in The Imitation Game? Academy voting ends at midnight” thought Cumberbatch, as he choked down a mouthful of lukewarm coconut jizz.

Jimmy also suggested that Benedict name his future spawn something that starts with the letter Q, so his name will be Q. Cumberbatch. That’s sweet, but Benedict Cumberbatch is an alien masquerading as a very fancy British person, which means he’ll probably go with something that sounds like a traditional family name, like Hinklebottom, St. Octavius Gingernut, or Fitz-Nigel. Or maybe he’ll honor his otter heritage and name it Emmet.

Here’s Benedict and his new wife Sophie looking like members of the Sleestak royal family as they arrived at LAX yesterday:

Pics: Wenn.com

Benedict Cumberbatch Married Sophie Hunter Today

It’s a dark, dark day for the Cumberbitches today. According to People, Kif Kroker’s cousin Benedict Cumberbatch made it legal with his knocked-up British girlfriend Sophie Hunter after being engaged for 3 months. A Valentine’s Day wedding? How very ‘I’m totally not an alien, I’m a legitimate human being’ of you, Benedict. Only a real human person would get married on Earth’s national love day! Even Smith Comma John is like “Too obvious, man.”

So far, not much is known about Eggs Benedict’s secret wedding, but People says they got married on the Isle of Wight at the parish church of St. Peter and St. Paul. Oooh, two saints? How fancy. Metro UK says his best man was his Sherlock co-star Martin Freeman, aka Bilbo Baggins, aka Tim Canterbury from The Office, and that Keira Knightley was one of the guests. No word on whether or not there was a procession of pengwings, but I choose to believe there was.

Eddie Redmayne better watch his back, because there’s only 3 days left before Oscar voting ends, and Benedict is making things happen. He got secret married, and I bet he can get Sophie to go into secret labor next. He’s from outer space, he can do these things! Eddie, you only have 3 days to one-up Benedict; my suggestion is adopting a litter of future seeing-eye puppies or getting knocked-up yourself. I know it’s not technically possible, but do you want the Oscar or not? Make it happen!

The Alien Lizard King Did Not Win A BAFTA Award Tonight

Now that he was expected to, but now I fully expect his kind to drop in on Earth from their home planet and terrorize London for snubbing their overlord. Thanks, BAFTAs voters, you just started the Reptilian vs. Human war.

Benedict Cumberbatch and his knocked up fiancee Sophie Hunter slithered on the red carpet on the BAFTAs tonight and I don’t think I’ve noticed this before, but have they always had the same shaped face? Did getting filed up with B. Cums’ alien lizard mating nectar morph her face into the same shape as his or have they both always looked like the come-to-life police sketch of an alien? Oscar voting ends in less than 10 days, so I’m highly disappointed that Sophie Hunter didn’t give birth to their spawn right there on the red carpet as a puppy they both rescued from a fire (for real and not Brian Williams-style) married them. Come on, B. Cums, time is running out and you better start churning out the STUNT QUEEN stunts. Or at least leak career-ruining stories to the media about how Michael Keaton once liked Iggy Azalea’s Facebook page and Eddie Redmyane actually paid to see and enjoyed Mortdecai.

Click here to see the full list of all the hos who won tonight, but if you don’t want to see the full list, here’s the nominees and winners of some of the main categories.

BEST FILM
Boyhood
Birdman
The Grand Budapest Hotel
The Imitation Game
The Theory of Everything

OUTSTANDING BRITISH FILM
The Theory of Everything
71
The Imitation Game
Paddington
Pride
Under the Skin

LEADING ACTOR
Eddie Redmayne, The Theory of Everything
Benedict Cumberbatch, The Imitation Game
Jake Gyllenhaal, Nightcrawler
Michael Keaton, Birdman
Ralph Fiennes, The Grand Budapest Hotel

LEADING ACTRESS
Julianne Moore, Still Alice
Amy Adams, Big Eyes
Felicity Jones, The Theory of Everything
Reese Witherspoon, Wild
Rosamund Pike, Gone Girl

DIRECTOR
Boyhood, Richard Linklater
Birdman, Alejandro G. Inarritu
The Grand Budapest Hotel, Wes Anderson
The Theory of Everything, James Marsh
Whiplash, Damien Chazelle

SUPPORTING ACTOR
J.K. Simmons, Whiplash
Edward Norton, Birdman
Ethan Hawke, Boyhood
Mark Ruffalo, Foxcatcher
Steve Carell, Foxcatcher

SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Patricia Arquette, Boyhood
Emma Stone, Birdman
Imelda Staunton, Pride
Keira Knightley, The Imitation Game
Rene Russo, Nightcrawler

Do we even need to bother with the Oscars at this point? I’d bet my beat down asshole on Julianne Moore, J.K. Simmons and Patricia Arquette getting trophies. Can’t they just skip all the speeches and handing out of awards and instead air a documentary on the life of Dick Poop?

Here’s more pictures from tonight including some of Michael Keaton, Keira Knightley and Laura Jeanne Poon. I kind of want the Bobbies to fuck with Laura Jeanne Poon after one of the BAFTA after-parties, because I’m wondering what she’d yell at police if she couldn’t yell, “I’M AN AMERICAN CITIZEN ON AMERICAN SOIL!”

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

The Alien Lizard King Is Really Sorry For Referring To Black Actors As “Colored”

I guess the Reptilian from Benedict Cumberbatch’s home planet who trained him to talk and act like a modern day human before he came to Earth forgot to tell him that it’s probably not a good idea to refer to black people as “colored.” The alien lizard masquerading as a Posh British actor was on PBS’ The Tavis Smalley Show last week and they got into talking about diversity in Hollywood. B. Cums called black actors” colored” when talking about how there’s more roles in the US than in the UK for black actors. B. Cums’ great great great great great great great-granddaddy would be proud!

“I think as far as colored actors go, it gets really difficult in the U.K., and a lot of my friends have had more opportunities (in the U.S.) than in the U.K. and that’s something that needs to change.”

The clip is here if your ears need to hear it for themselves. Some people said that B. Cums should get a pass since he’s a privileged British person who was raised by privileged British people who still use outdated phrases from the old times, but many, many others including the UK-based organization Show Racism the Red Card slapped at his lizard slit of a mouth for saying that shit.

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Leaping Alien Lizards!

It looks like Benedict Cumberbatch is the Jennifer Lawrence of this awards season. Yay.

During that awkward Golden Globes skit where Margaret Cho (done up as a North Korean journalist for a movie magazine) got her picture taken with Meryl Streep, the ever thirsty Babadook Chamomilepunch just had to snatch away some of the attention by jumping into the picture. He looked like my chihuahua trying to get on the bed. I get that CUMBERBOMBING is B. Cums’ thing, but this shit was so choreographed and staged that I could practically hear Debbie Allen scream, “3..2…JUMP,” off camera. B. Cums even changed into a blinding white blazer so that everyone could clearly see him jumping over the Meryl.  Was it really necessary? B. Cums already got a lot of attention for his engagement and for the cumberbaby growing in a human woman’s uterus, and now he’s trying to get more attention by Jennifer Lawrence’ing his way through awards season. What’s next? He’s going to stage a fall at the Oscars and tell a magazine how he just loves the smell of his fiancee’s pregnancy farts?

What am I saying!

B. Cums wasn’t going full attention whore by photobombing that picture. He was trying to escape! That wasn’t a leap for attention, it was a leap for help. He was obviously trying to jump away from the conniving, scheming, hussy harlot who trapped him into being a father and husband. I’ve seen all of the Planet Earths so I should know a lizard’s distress face when I see one. And here I am calling him an attention whore when he’s in pain and trying to get away from that lizard trapper. Shame on me.

And if Golden Globe winner Eddie Redmayne has any love in his heart for the alien lizard community, he’d drop out of the Oscar race and let B. Cums take the award for Best Actor. After everything B. Cums has been through, he deserves it.

Pics: Wenn.com, GIF: Vulture