Basement Baby And Rachel Roy Were Both At The CFDAs, No Beat Downs Occurred

“Sup, vato, float like a moth ball, sting like a mold mite.” – Basement Baby

Surprisingly, the most overheard sentence at last night’s CFDA Awards in NYC wasn’t, “Oh, no food for me, I’ll stick with this cup of air.” It was, “Er, I think I’ll take the stairs” every time someone came across noted camel beater and the real-life inspiration for the movie Devil, Basement Baby. BB was at the CFDAs last night and so was fashion designer type Rachel Roy, who some say is the reason why the Bruce Lee of the basement and the Illuminati kingpin Jay-Z got crazy in that elevator. The rumor goes that Jay-Z busted out some sweet camel lothario moves on Rachel Roy and since BeyonceBot has been programmed to not care about such things, Basement Baby brought the rage on that shady camel, because she felt like somebody from the Knowles family needed to. And at the CFDAs, Basement Baby and Rachel Roy MET AGAIN!!!!!!1!!!!!@1!!@@!11

Some source tells UsWeekly that when Rachel, who came with Chrissy Teigen, and Basement Baby both walked into the event, everyone didn’t immediately form a circle around them and start chanting, “FINISH HER!” Nothing happened. Basement Baby’s people kept her away from Rachel all night. Stop it with Basement Baby’s “people.” I’d hardly call mice and baby raccoons “her people.”

“Rachel looked uncomfortable. They obviously didn’t want to run into Solange, and Solange’s people also tried to steer clear of them.”

Rachel Roy can take off the bullet proof vest and she doesn’t have to pull out her mace every time she gets in an elevator. I think she’s safe for now. But you know who isn’t safe? Basement Baby. It’s only a matter of time before the corner of her eye catches a tornado of hair and sparkles coming toward her. That tornado of hair and sparkles will be Diana Ross coming to whoop BB’s trick ass for constantly stealing her look. Miss Ross is sick and tired of Basement Baby constantly giving us “Orlando Jones as Diana Ross in a Lifetime biopic.”

Pics: Wenn.com

Tina Knowles Is Keeping All Of Those Unruly Hos In Check

While some of us were taking in the Razzie-worthy performances of Beyonce and Jay-Z in the shitty, ridiculous trailer for their tour yesterday, Beyonce threw up a completely natural and not-at-all calculated precious family portrait on Tumblr. All those fake smiles say, “I better smile like I mean it or Tina Knowles is going to nibble off the rest of my soul.” No, I need to stop being so dramatic. Everything is fine and they’re totally healthy and they’re being a totally healthy and normal family in New Orleans. You can tell everything’s fine, because Jay-Z is keeping a safe distance from Basement Baby and is giving himself a head start just in case she wants to go for round 2. Basement Baby’s got her slapping hand ready for action if Jay-Z looks at her wrong and Tina Knowles’ got a stun gun pressed up against Basement Baby’s back, because she’s not going to let that kids table child refugee fuck with her money again.

Meanwhile, BeyonceBot is staring off into yonder thinking about puppies and Givenchy shorts. Totally natural! Totally normal!

The Hell Did I Just Watch: Jay-Z And Beyonce’s Messy Trailer For Their Tour

And this is what happens when two walking massive egos don’t have anybody in their lives brave enough to tell them to just stop acting, because it doesn’t do anybody any good.

Jay-Z and Beyonce are going on tour this summer and to promote that shit, they queefed up an almost 4-minute-long trailer called RUN From Basement Baby and it is a ridiculous mess from start to finish. It’s like watching Lifetime’s remake of Bonnie & Clyde barf into the mouth of Spring Breakers while Heat pissed on both of them. It makes Carmen: A Hip Hopera look like an underrated masterpiece that future film historians will call a revolutionary cinematic experience. To show everyone that random celebrities love them and will act in a shitty vanity project for free, Beyonce and Jay-Z threw in cameos from the wart burned off of a hyena’s asshole Sean Penn, a glamorous looking Emmy Rossum, Jake Gyllenhaal, Rashida Jones, Don Cheadle, Blake NotSoLively and other hos.

Watching Beyonce and Blake NotSoLively attempt to act together in a scene brings up a question that can never be answered: Who is the worst actress? It’s like brushing two strokes of paint on the wall and asking, “Which one is giving us the most exciting show?”

And I don’t know why Jay-Z felt like he should narrate that mess. It’s supposed to be some kind of badass, hardcore action movie trailer and Jay-Z sounds like the voice of a toddler character on Rugrats who is all gums, has two teeth and is always suffering from post-nasal drip. Jay-Z’s talking voice is about as hard as a baby bunny’s first burp.

With all that being said, I would’ve loved the shit out of that trailer if at the very end, Basement Baby busted through the floor and drop kicked everyone involved.

Speaking of BB, here’s BB and Beyonce’s latest STUNT QUEEN show on Instagram:

via Everywhere

Basement Baby, Her Sister And Her Sister’s Husband Release A Joint Statement About That Elevator Smack Down

I thought I’d spare your eyeballs from more pictures of those three in their Met Gala ensembles and instead give you this precious portrait of Basement Baby during her true fashion icon days. Looking like the flag of Bolivia’s slutty sister complete with a Jay-Z toe. That is fashion.

After days of milking the elevator scandal and passively-aggressively responding to all the rumors by posting old ass pictures on Instagram, Beyonce, Jay-Z and Basement Baby shat out a statement today that said absolutely nothing. They didn’t say if the fight was about RiRi or that Rachel Roy person. They only said that Basement Baby isn’t a crackhead, she just fights like one and that they’re just like any other family. Yes, because every family handles their problems with each other by brawling in an elevator. Stop shaking your head “yes,” White Oprah, you’re not normal. Here’s the statement (via AP):

“As a result of the public release of the elevator security footage from Monday, May 5th, there has been a great deal of speculation about what triggered the unfortunate incident. But the most important thing is that our family has worked through it. Jay and Solange each assume their share of responsibility for what has occurred. They both acknowledge their role in this private matter that has played out in the public. They both have apologized to each other and we have moved forward as a united family.

The reports of Solange being intoxicated or displaying erratic behavior throughout that evening are simply false. At the end of the day families have problems and we’re no different. We love each other and above all we are family. We’ve put this behind us and hope everyone else will do the same.”

“…hope everyone else will do the same.” Like that’ll happen and like those bitches want that to happen. I’m sure that the Beygency assistant who typed this statement laughed and laughed at that part and kept on laughing until a trap door opened under their chair and they dropped into a locked cell in the basement. That’s what they get for insubordinate behavior!

The Standard Hotel Fired The Employee Who Sold The Basement Baby Beat Down Video To TMZ For $250,000

And that is the look from a camel who is realizing that he just got his trick ass whooped by Basement Baby. Never underestimate a crazy bitch who is always scrapping with rats for the piece of cheese that Beyonce threw down into her basement.

The Standard Hotel issued a statement yesterday saying that they found out which one of their employees leaked footage from an elevator surveillance camera of Basement Baby busting some “eat the cake, Jay-Z” shit on Hova. The employee used their phone to record the footage playing on a CCTV monitor. HuffPo says that The Standard pink-slipped the employee and turned all evidence over to the cops:

The Standard Hotel said the person had been terminated for “breaching the security policies of the hotel and recording the confidential CCTV video.”

The hotel said after the video was first aired that it was “shocked and disappointed” by the security breach. It said Wednesday that it will turn over “all available information to criminal authorities.”

The employee must be crying into the Napa leather seats of the BMW they bought with the $250,000 that TMZ gave them for that video. Page Six says that TMZ bought the Scrappy-Doo vs. Scooby-Doo fight video for a quarter of a million dollars. To put that amount into perspective, $250,000 is half of Harvey Levin’s Spandex muscle t-shirt budget and it’s three times as much as the yearly allowance Basement Baby gets from Beyonce. But really, I hope that employee used that money to get Face/Off surgery and move to an underground barrack, because The Beygency is going to track them down  and have them turned into a pair of House of Dereon human skin boots designed by Tina Knowles.

And this morning, Basement Baby kept milking this mess for more attention by taking a page from Beyonce’s team. Basement Baby threw up a vintage picture of her and BeyBot on Instagram :

I see Basement Baby throwing some lukewarm shade by posting a picture of Beyonce looking like a child linebacker with Dracula brows.

And celebrities (and Solange) are just like us! They passive-aggressively respond to a fight with their siblings by posting some dumb shit on Instagram. I always know when my cousins are fighting, because they cover their Facebook walls with shit like a shitty picture of a storm with the words, “I’m a good enough person to forgive you, but not stupid enough to trust you again” on it. Then the cousin who that is directed to will answer by posting a shitty picture of a stupid moon with some more ~deep thoughts~ on it and they’ll go back and forth for a while until I know they’ve made up when one of them posts a dumb picture of two dumb kittens hugging each other with the words, “You’ll always be my best friend,” underneath it. And then I go outside, look up into the sky and silently thank the universe for letting me live in a time when people fight and make-up through dumb macros on Facebook.

Beyonce Keeps It Subtle By Posting A Bunch Of Pictures Of Her And Basement Baby On Instagram

Beyonce could’ve killed some of the cuntspiracy theories out there about Basement Baby and Jay-Z’s “FINISH HER!” moment in the elevator by issuing a statement saying that she she has no idea what happened in that elevator, because her batteries were charging and her husband put the computer in her head on sleep mode. Most of us would’ve shrugged and said, “That makes sense.” But if she did that, she would lose her STUNT QUEEN crown for not milking the life out of this ESCANDALOSONESS. So this morning she answered to Basement Baby almost erasing all of her face on Instagram by posting four pictures of her and Basement Baby on her Instagram page. I’m surprised Beyonce and The Beygency didn’t take it all the way by posting pictures of her and Basement Baby with Jay-Z’s camel head pasted on top of Basement Baby’s head. They’re probably saving that little stunt move for the second act of this scandal.

Yesterday (or should I say, “yesterbey“), the NYDN said that Basement Baby played kickball with Jay-Z’s nuts in the elevator, because after the Met Gala he wanted to go to RiRi’s after-party. It really is always RiRi’s fault. If you’re still in school and on your history test is the question, “Who is responsible for World War I?”,  just write, “Rihanna,” and you’ll get it right. The story goes that while Basement Baby, BeyonceBot and Jay-Z were leaving The Standard Hotel, he told them both he was going to RiRi’s after-party and BB freaked out:

Why can’t you go home?” a drunken Solange Knowles said to her brother-in-law as they left the swanky May 5 Met Gala after-party, a source told The News.

Then the 27-year-old singer turned to her 32-year-old big sis Beyoncé.
“You’re one to talk,” he shot back at Solange, the source said.

“Why does your husband need to go to the club right now?” Solange asked, according to the source.

An incensed Jay Z took offense to Solange getting involved in his business.

Some source said that before they got into the elevator, Jay-Z was already annoyed by Basement Baby, because earlier in the night a few of her non-famous peasant friends used his name to get into the Met Gala. And Basement Baby didn’t like that Jay-Z called the venue where RiRi’s party was at and told them he was coming alone and didn’t need extra security.

WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN? Is RiRi really Jay-Z’s longterm side piece and Beyonce thinks she’s the Jackie O of today, so she just turns her head the other way? (By the way, a full-length mirror is hanging on the other way’s wall, which is always why Beyonce’s always looking the other way.) Does Basement Baby feel like she needs to repay Beyonce for that monthly allowance she gets by being her Captain Save-A-Ho?

Jay-Z is a major asshole, but I don’t blame him for wanting to go to RiRi’s after-party. Hmmm, go home with Beyonce and sit there as she spends hours upon hours looking at thousands of pictures of herself in her Met Gala outfit? Or go to RiRi’s after-party and suck weed smoke out of a stripper’s asshole? Tough choice!

Beyonce’s people answered to those RiRi rumors by doing this:

And finally, Necole Bitchie has photographic proof that the “IV” tattoo that Beyonce and Jay-Z got on their fingers before their wedding is no longer on Beyonce’s finger. Eh, that doesn’t mean anything. When the painters slathered her body in a fresh coat of mannequin paint during her monthly tune-up and maintenance appointment at the robot factory, they forgot to paint that “IV” tattoo on her finger. That’s all.