Category: Solange
Let Basement Baby Soothe Your Soul With Her Deep Interpretive Dance Moves
Beyonce performed at a Clinton rally in Cleveland, Ohio on Friday where she commanded the Beyhive to fly into the polling places to use their stingers to punch a hole next to the name Hillary Clinton. (Beyonce tried but you know the BeyHive is going to write-in her name in their bee blood.) While she was doing that, Solange was in NYC preparing to dust our faces with several layers of new age art, sweet lyrical dance moves and high fashion (that’s usually only found in a public access movie from the 1970s about space).
Open Post: Hosted By Diddy’s Luscious Farrah Fawcett Wig
The 35th anniversary of the birth of Beysus (I’ll pause here for all of us shady bitches who need to throw a side-eye at “35“) was on Sunday and she celebrated Beymas all weekend long. Beyonce and Blue Ivy Carter spent Friday with Michelle Obama at Camp David, Chance The Rapper serenaded her at the Made In America festival in Philadelphia on her actual born day, and last night she threw herself a giant Soul Train-themed party in NYC. A zillion famous tricks went to Beyonce’s party, including Puffy whose puffy b-hole probably screamed out a YES when he got the invitation, because he finally had a reason to wear that $3 swap meet-bought Vinnie Barbarino wig.
Who Dared To Be Rude To Basement Baby At The Met Gala?
After everyone saw that video from 2014 of Solange going all Basement Baby Ali (“float like a moth ball, sting like a bee“) on Jay-Z in an elevator after the Met Gala, you’d think that people would make sure to be polite to her and keep their shady side-eyes to themselves. But apparently, one brave soul was rude to Solange at the Met Gala on Monday night. Instead of checking them with her flying fists, Solange checked the bitch with a blind item on Twitter. She tweeted a shout out to a member of the You So Artsy Club who was about as annoying as a hungry mouse nibbling at your toes when you’re trying to sleep on an egg crate in the basement.
Shout out to when you think you all "artsy and shit" , but your just rude and annoying lol
— solange knowles (@solangeknowles) May 3, 2016
The first response under Solange’s tweet is this:
Now we know. RT @solangeknowles: Shoutout to when you think you all "artsy and shit" but your just rude and annoying pic.twitter.com/4vKGoCURY5
— ⚪️ Beige Bitch ⚪️ (@alialmoore) May 3, 2016
Yeah, Taylor Swift probably rules the craft table in her playroom and nobody can make a pasta shell jewelry box like her, but does she consider herself “arty“? Yeah, she probably does. I don’t think it’s her, though. My first guesses were Kanye West or Lady Gaga. But you know, maybe there will be a major M. Night Shyamalan-approved PLOT TWIST in this riveting saga. Maybe Solange got really drunk at the Met Gala and when she went into the bathroom, she noticed a shifty trick in a try-hard outfit throwing her rude looks. And well, it turns out that shifty trick in a try-hard outfit throwing her rude looks was her own reflection in the mirror! When Solange finds out the truth, her reflection is totally going to get it.
Pic: Wenn.com
Rita Ora Still Really Wants You To Know She’s Not Becky With The Good Hair
We’ll get to that “Showgirls meets SilverHawks” dress mess in a second. First we need to talk about the person wearing it, and how she once again attempted to just-so-subtly get some attention courtesy of Beyonce. As you may remember, the Who’s On First of people, Rita Ora, practically dislocated both her shoulders after throwing up her arms and waving “Over here! I’m not Becky with the good hair!” last week. Well, surprise surprise, she did it again at the Met Gala last night. Several times, actually.
Beyonce’s Met Gala Dress Needs To Pay A Visit To The Free Clinic
I just want to spray Beyonce down with some liquid antibiotics and acid, because she looks like a used condom covered in herpes and rolled in kitty litter.
As we all know by now, the theme for tonight’s Meth Gala is Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology, and it looks like Beyonce honored that theme by finding a way to copy and paste Zoe Saldana’s face onto hers, because that does not look like Beyonce. The rest of Beyonce’s look would be 100% perfect if the theme was A Night With Derek Jeter. Since Beyonce is a true artiste and everything she does has a message, maybe her doing herself up like a giant condom is her way of saying, “And I still don’t trust Jay!”
That dress is also giving me “It rubs the lotion on its skin,” because it looks like she skinned someone with chronic eczema alive and wore their hide on her body. That dress doesn’t only need to be dipped in antibiotics, it also needs to be dipped in Proactiv.
And just like she did last year, Solange outdid her sister tonight. Basement Baby’s look will remind you of the time that your dog pissed on the floor and you didn’t have any paper towels to clean it up with so you had to use the coffee filters. While Beyonce has access to all of the fanciest designers in the world and still shows up wearing that mess, Basement Baby only has access to what she finds in the dumpster and she still comes up with ART!
Solange also kind of looks like a lemon that’s been mauled by a garbage disposal, and that’s my cue to write a 12,000 word think piece on how this look is her commentary on Lemonade.
Pics: Getty
Basement Baby Came Prepared This Time
Almost one year ago, Basement Baby went all “FINISH HER!” on Jay Z in an elevator while leaving a Met Gala after-party. Well, at tonight’s Mess Gala, Basement Baby came prepared for war and Jay Z better not try shit.
To you, Basement Baby’s fucked-up dress may look like a CD that warped under the sun on a car’s dashboard. But to me, it looks like a shield of protection. If Jay Z tried to bring some Hunger Games shit on Basement Baby by shooting an arrow at her, that arrow would bounce right off of her dress. If Jay Z brought out his nunchucks and tried to take down Basement Baby, that shit would break right off as soon as he hit her dress. If Jay Z tried to punch Basement Baby in the chest, his knuckles would break on the crap she’s wearing.
Basement Baby is wearing a damn shield. If Jay Z tried any kind of shady shit, she could scream, “Everyone, get behind me,” before kicking at him. You can tell that Jay Z is scared too. Here he is at the Met Gala with Beyonce and you can definitely tell that he’s thinking to himself, “FUCK! Bitch wore a shield! So much for that taser I’ve got in my pocket.”
As for Beyonce’s dress… She looks like she dipped herself in Elmer’s glue and rolled around in some Fruity Pebbles and a bunch of broken Jolly Ranchers. Tomorrow, I better see some pictures of being Beyonce dragged out of the Met Gala by the FBI. Beyonce has gone too far with her acts of thievery this time. Beyonce committed felony theft tonight by stealing the look that international supermodel Phoebe Price wore to Elton John’s Oscar Party almost three whole months ago. Beyonce should be charged with blatantly thieving from Chicken Cutlets and for thinking that she could actually work it better. Somebody please CITIZEN’S ARREST her!
Pics: Getty, Splash, Wenn.com (Thanks @elmatthewcas)