From The Museum Of Priceless Side-Eyes

Many have tried and some have come close, but so far in history not one BABY!!! has toppled Louis Bullock as the junior side-eye throwing champion and he proved this once again while dressed up in Pirates of the Carabeinadorable drag at some pirate party in L.A. with his mom Sandra Bullock yesterday. Louis B usually has Monday face, but he actually broke into a smile during the party and I’m not saying it had something to do with the fact that he’s making a happy into his peek-a-boo (peek-a-poo?) diaper. Speaking of that, I will refrain from making FIX YER SELF BABY comments, because Louis’ “Yo Ho Yo Ho Back Up” side-eye is telling me to do so.

It’s Racist Out There For Basement Baby And Her Giant Inflatable Banana Friend

A revolution is brewing deep under the basement between a young black mother with a giant inflatable banana friend and the RACIST police officers in Miami Beach who just won’t let a young black mother party with her giant inflatable banana friend! It all started when Beyonce, who is too busy these days barking at the House of Derriere sweat shop workers to bedazzle those pregnancy pantaloons faster, accidentally left the basement door open and out crawled Solange and her banana friend with a look in their eyes (or in her banana friend’s case, his “blow hole”) that said they were ready to paint the town with trouble. Before you wonder why Basement Baby’s best friend is a giant inflatable banana, I should let you know it was either the banana, one of Kelly Rowland’s crusty wig caps or a sculpture of her son Juelz she made out of moth balls. Yeah, your choices for a best friend are limited down in the basement.

TMZ says that on Sunday, Basement Baby and her banana friend made their way to Club Cameo in Miami Beach and tried to get in. They would not let Basement Baby’s banana friend in and told her she had to leave that bitch on the curb. Now, Basement Baby reads a lot of old Life Magazines down in the basement so she knows that if she left a giant banana alone on the streets of Miami Beach, some drunk slut whore would fuck it right there or Tina Knowles would snatch it up and turn it into another skirt for her precious Beyonce. Basement Baby couldn’t let that happen so she flipped the uppity bitch switch.

When the cops showed up, Basement Baby told them that the club refused to let her in because she’s black and not because she’s carrying a gigantic banana friend with her. The cops say they took Basement Baby across the street to calm her down. Basement Baby says that when the cops took her across the street, they pulled out a knife and tried to murder her gigantic banana friend!

Basement Baby hopped on her Twitter and let it be known in so many words that this would never happen to a young white woman with a banana friend:

I have literally had my last leg with discriminating police! Miami police department will be notified.

A police officer just pulled a weapon on me…. I have done NOTHING illegal, against the law, or anything of the sort.

I am simply tired of police using arrogance, ego and authority as an offense.

I’m only tweeting this to raise awareness. I could have left quietly, but I am sick & tired of this scenario being played over & over again.

I’m ok. I’m safe & sound at my apartment. I’m just beyond frustrated with the system.

It is time to do something about it. I am a mother raising a young black child in America. Im going to die trying!

Been on the phone for the last 20 minutes reporting this incident. Yes, I have the officers name. Yes, I have the location.

Scare tactics don’t WORK.

I’m with Basement Baby! I’d tell her to raise a fist with me, but I don’t want her to hit one of the ceiling tiles and wake the asbestos. In this day and age, we should be able to get drunk with our banana friends in a Miami club and walk the streets with them without some RACIST cop threatening to pop ’em to death. We’re going to fight! It’s what our foremother, Chiquita Banana, would want. If you’re with us, take to the streets when you hear our march song.

Ryan Reynolds And Sandra Bullock Are Totally Doing It

The entire internet gathering together to pray that Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds end up licking each other’s nipples for the rest of eternity has finally paid off, because the two were photographed going on a hike with friends through Grand Teton National Park in Wyoming last weekend. TMZ says that Ryan, Sandra and her Baby Louis are all vacationing together in Jackson Hole. When you’re Ryan and Sandra and you’re together in Jackson Hole, you’re obviously jacking each other’s holes (just nod that like that makes sense).

You know, I will never understand why everyone wants Sandra and Ryan together the same way I wanted Beverly Hills 90210 to end with Brenda Walsh and Dylan McKay dancing for the first time as husband on wife on Kelly Taylor’s grave. But yeah, your praying paid off, because these two are totally doing it.

Or maybe they’re just friends and Ryan is only hanging around Sandra, because witnessing Baby Louis’ signature side-eye in the flesh feels like Jesus himself just blew an air kiss of life into your soul. That’s probably it.

Jesse James Says Kat Von D Is A “Vixen” In Bed

Vanilla Gorilla writes in his memoirs that he never felt he was on the same level as Sandra Bullock, because she’s a high-class movie star with refinement running through her veins and he’s a piece of trash biker kid who listens to his music too loud. VG goes on to write that he felt trapped being married to Sandra which is one of the reasons why he licked on every tattooed labia in the skank bouquet. There’s one way he’s putting the blame on Sandra. VG subtlety put more blame on Sandra yesterday during an interview with Howard Stern. But before we get to that mess, here’s what VG had to say when Howard asked him if his ex-wife was better at sex shit than his current fiancee. You already know the answer.

Howard: Who’s more fun in bed? Sandra Bullock or Kat Von D?

Jesse: That one’s an easy no-brainer.

Howard: ….Kat Von D

Jesse: Yes, sir. Hundred percent.

Howard: Hundred percent?

Jesse: She’s a vixen, man. I love her.

Howard: What is she doing in that bed? She must be hanging from the ceiling.

Jesse: She just… Man, the way she just gets in my head and makes me feel. You know, it’s a mental thing. Just connected on a whole different level.

If Sandra Bullock has the stuff that makes nutsacks burst into the clouds above and open a pathway to heaven for the angels’ voices to travel through, this bitch would still say Kat Von D. If Kat Von D gave head like a catatonic turtle and laid there like an al dente lasagna noodle, he’d still say Kat Von D. The answer to that question is: who ever he’s currently fucking. Therefore that question and answer are both invalid. Moving on…. Howard then brought up a very good point.

Howard: If she cheated on you, you’d be devastated. You’d understand the hurt that Sandra went through.

Jesse: If she cheated on me, I would forgive her and still love her.

See, another slight dig followed by a slap of blame. Vanilla Gorilla is full of so much cold shit that it’s starting to back up and trickle out of his mouth. Even an enema the size of the Hoover Dam can’t clear him out.

Kat Von D should really take his words as a dare and scoot her poon all over everywhere. Let her vag flag fly without shame! Just leave a trail and see what he does then. Take him up on that, Kat!

via Radar

Jesse James Boo Hoos Over Not Seeing Baby Louis

Vanilla Gorilla packed up his whore couch and swastika nipple charms and moved from California to Austin, Texas so that his daughter Sunny could spend more time Sandra Bullock and so that he could bask in Baby Louis’ impeccable side-eye action. This is not how it’s playing out. VG is bawling into his crying cloth, because Baby Louis is picking up the phone and slamming it down when he calls. Baby Louis will not bless VG by throwing a shank eye at him live and in person. That would make me weep too, actually.

Vanilla Gorilla’s got a memoir to whore out and he sat down with Vicki Mabrey of Nightline to talk about what life has been like since shit (being his dick) hit the shit (being Bombshell McGee). Even though VG and Sandra inhale the same Texas oxygen, he’s barely seen her face and she’s only hung out with Sunny twice. Get your shit a floatie and ride on the pool of herp pus tears that flowed out of VG’s eyes:

“I’ve never seen Louis since everything happened, so a year. Sunny has only seen Sandra couple of times, but there has been no contact at all for several months.

I could only cry so much about [Louis] until I have to suck it up and keep a stiff upper lip and realize, Hey, [there are] three kids that I do have. I need to take care of them and not worry about the one that I don’t, you know, and I think that’s the lesson.

[Moving to Texas and closing West Coast Choppers was a way] to get out of California. I think I was just dad again. And like, eliminated all of the things that distracted me from being a dad. … I think we’re all connecting better. I think for the first time in their lives, they can depend on me to be there and I think the life here is better, you know, for the family.”

My stepmother was a one-legged cunt witch (no relation to Heather Mills) who served us half-baked almond cookies and made us sleep on her living room floor with just couch cushions and scratchy throws (WORSE THAN PRISON!), so I pretty much hopped a jig when she moved far far away and never contacted us again. But if the one-legged cunt witch gave me a real pillow to sleep on and served me fully baked almond cookies, I would’ve been sort of sad to never talk her again. However, I’m sure it would’ve been awkward for her to serve me fully baked almond cookies while looking into the face that is directly connected to the man who fucked his side pieces in her guest bathroom. I don’t know. But I do know that Sunny is lucky that her daddy picked up Kat Von D so she has a new female figure to look up to. I’m sure they’ll bond when Kat gives Sunny her first neck tattoo in a couple of months.

Andre Leon Talley Leads The Fuckery Parade At The MET Gala

Andre Leon Talley is the most influential person in the fashion world (as Tyra Banks tells us every single week on America’s Next Top Model) and he really didn’t disappoint at last night’s MET Costume Gala last night when he floated onto the red carpet like the ethereal gay dream version of some University’s mascot. You can tell that when his farts billow through that gown, they smell like blueberries dipped in melted grape chapstick. When ALT is done with that old gown, he can donate it to the entire graduating class (EVERY SCHOOL) of 2011! There’s room in there for all of them.

The Vixen of Vogue wasn’t the only trick who served scalding hot fuckery on a plate of fuckery last night. There were others who made it their night’s goal to summon a wave of WTF faces from the photographers. They would not let ALT be the only one. No, they would not!

Wednesday Addams snatched this shit from the rack marked “Morticia’s freakum dresses” in The Addams Family costume closet many years ago and she’s been waiting for the day to wear it.

Kate Hudson’s dress is pretty normal, but that crap on her head looks like a rhinestone sea urchin that crawled out of Andre Leon’s Talley’s glitter hole and found a new home on her hair.

Miranda Kerr’s mess of a dress is like Lara Flynn Boyle’s balleriNO look meets the White Swan meets Mimi’s slutty bridal gown costume.

Ashley Olsen brings us the news that Brenda Walsh’s prom dress moved to Switzerland and got a morning job as a milk maid.

Christina Hendricks… Christina Hendricks… Christina Hendricks… I’m just going to focus on the beautiful pair of sunrise chichis and then move right along before I get rust poisoning.

A slew of ICANTS go to Fuggie Fug, Freida Pinto, Kristen Stewart, Marc Jacobs, Robert Duffy and Serena Williams (who thinks she’s at a HoJo’s Royal Wedding party).

Lastly, I can’t say one mean thing about Basement Baby’s look. Beyonce accidentally left a bag of Cost Plus impulse buys in front of the basement door and Solange made a DRESS out of them. Not a dress, but a DRESS! No comment on the make-up which makes her look like a constipated lady bug.